My volume control is on 74
SO... Life couldn't be any worse, really.
My birthday was traumatic... It will surely take a while to fully recover.
All I have to say - I hope karma works doubletime this time around. I would take matters into my own hands, but that would be immoral and against every part of what I live for. You know, Love, Peace, Blah blah blah.
(Although it wouldn't take much for you to choke on my tears.. There sure as hell are enough to go around).
However, Canada was fun. Thank you everyone who went. And for those who didn't... Eh.
My disposition wasn't compelety transfixed... But good enough I suppose. You guys are the best.
DETAIL
Saturday November 19th, 2005
I awake to wonder home and shortly visit my family. At which point I check MySpace to find plenty of wonderful Birthday greetings, which made me happy. (Haven't been on myspace in a while, because somtime last week my mother for no reason at all heartlessly decides to tell my grandma I have some scandelous provacative pictures and sayings on my profile - this results in madness and my g'ma taking away the computer) SO I have been without the use of a computer for about a week - and not having my cell phone makes me feel even more isolated and alone.
So, I travel back to the grandmothers to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing on my birthday. This is when she decides to give me something to do - ball my fuckin eyes out. She violently, remorselessly shouts and screams as loud as her vocal chords allow her to, in order to let me know what she thinks of me.
She apparently thinks I'm a slut, whore, a woman with no standards and no moral values. A woman who has obviously not appreciated or learned anything, from the thousands of dollars she has spent on my emotional and mental well being. Of course, I didn't let it all get to me. Because 99.9% of what was coming out of her mouth was untrue. What really got to me, was that she was screaming at me for things I did a year ago. Basing my morals and behavior on things I did when I was corrupted and careless. Not even taking into consideration how much I have grown and matured. That's what really hurt, her thinking and adimently saying how I "haven't changed".. The fact that she thinks my behavior is more destructive and naive than when I first started living with her (not that it was really ever that to begin with). She wouldn't let me say anything. Kept on puting words into my mouth. Kicked me out of the house a few times... Claims that my living with her isn't good. Which I completely agree with. But not for the same reasons.
What I did exactly to cause this, I'm not sure. Maybe its the dozens of men I casually sleep with every week.. No. That couldn't be it... :o\
(This has been brought to you by the recreational firms of sarcasm!)
So right now.. I am at a very sensitive interval. I can't trust my mother - right now I never want to have anything to do with her (and seeing as I've felt that way since I was twelve, I highly doubt the feeling will fade). I can't trust my grandmother. And nothing seems to help.
I am looking for someplace to live. I can't do this anymore. I am trying to make a life for myself. How do they expect me to work and do everything else I need to do when they've slashed my heart and left it to rot and shrivel up? Thats how I feel. I feel my heart has stopped working and the rest of my body is working overtime in order to make up for the pulse my heart has given up on.
I'm dying more and more as the seconds go by. If only you could understand...
My birthday was traumatic... It will surely take a while to fully recover.
All I have to say - I hope karma works doubletime this time around. I would take matters into my own hands, but that would be immoral and against every part of what I live for. You know, Love, Peace, Blah blah blah.
(Although it wouldn't take much for you to choke on my tears.. There sure as hell are enough to go around).
However, Canada was fun. Thank you everyone who went. And for those who didn't... Eh.
My disposition wasn't compelety transfixed... But good enough I suppose. You guys are the best.
DETAIL
Saturday November 19th, 2005
I awake to wonder home and shortly visit my family. At which point I check MySpace to find plenty of wonderful Birthday greetings, which made me happy. (Haven't been on myspace in a while, because somtime last week my mother for no reason at all heartlessly decides to tell my grandma I have some scandelous provacative pictures and sayings on my profile - this results in madness and my g'ma taking away the computer) SO I have been without the use of a computer for about a week - and not having my cell phone makes me feel even more isolated and alone.
So, I travel back to the grandmothers to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing on my birthday. This is when she decides to give me something to do - ball my fuckin eyes out. She violently, remorselessly shouts and screams as loud as her vocal chords allow her to, in order to let me know what she thinks of me.
She apparently thinks I'm a slut, whore, a woman with no standards and no moral values. A woman who has obviously not appreciated or learned anything, from the thousands of dollars she has spent on my emotional and mental well being. Of course, I didn't let it all get to me. Because 99.9% of what was coming out of her mouth was untrue. What really got to me, was that she was screaming at me for things I did a year ago. Basing my morals and behavior on things I did when I was corrupted and careless. Not even taking into consideration how much I have grown and matured. That's what really hurt, her thinking and adimently saying how I "haven't changed".. The fact that she thinks my behavior is more destructive and naive than when I first started living with her (not that it was really ever that to begin with). She wouldn't let me say anything. Kept on puting words into my mouth. Kicked me out of the house a few times... Claims that my living with her isn't good. Which I completely agree with. But not for the same reasons.
What I did exactly to cause this, I'm not sure. Maybe its the dozens of men I casually sleep with every week.. No. That couldn't be it... :o\
(This has been brought to you by the recreational firms of sarcasm!)
So right now.. I am at a very sensitive interval. I can't trust my mother - right now I never want to have anything to do with her (and seeing as I've felt that way since I was twelve, I highly doubt the feeling will fade). I can't trust my grandmother. And nothing seems to help.
I am looking for someplace to live. I can't do this anymore. I am trying to make a life for myself. How do they expect me to work and do everything else I need to do when they've slashed my heart and left it to rot and shrivel up? Thats how I feel. I feel my heart has stopped working and the rest of my body is working overtime in order to make up for the pulse my heart has given up on.
I'm dying more and more as the seconds go by. If only you could understand...