Who am I? Who are you?
So I was looking over the past like 80 entries of mine and rediscovered how'd big of a douche bag I was and still can be.
Being a senior this year has made me realize that there is little room for hate. Other people in my class that I’ve previously strongly disliked I’ve grown to accept and even like now. I really can't think of anyone in our class that I dislike, but that might be because I don't really care about them and thus don't give them the time of day. When I hear other seniors bitch and moan about seniors they don't like, I get kinda confused. I think to myself "wow, you'd think that by now they would've grown to accept that person for who they are." this all makes me sound so holier than thou, and while I am more holy than everyone else (though none of us compare to Mr. Moore or Jesus), I don't mean it to sound this way. I still feel hatred and anger running through me, just not like it used to. And instead of channeling it into livejournal posts that make me seem like all I do is hate (perception equals reality anyone?), I have learned to accept that about myself.
This year i feel a lot more mature. I may still may act like an attention whore fuck up little shit sometimes, but hey, that's just me going back to my old ways on occasion.
Next year when I’m at the university of Nebraska, I’ll have a clean slate. Nobody will know who I am, and more importantly, know who I was. Over high school I have lost a few friendships because of many factors, whether they be temporary insanity, mistakes, or me just pushing people away. Regardless, I start out college fresh and can choose to be whomever I want. I think that I have changed myself to reflect the people I admire most. When we meet someone we really respect, we change ourselves slightly because we think that person is, well, bomb (but not necessarily skeet-skeet). This, along with past experiences, is how we evolve as people. I feel happier about the person I am today than I ever have before. However, I am still haunted by my past as it remains in both my memory and the memories of those around me. Some people can't get over shit/let things go and, well, they shouldn't have to because I should've never done or said things. Regardless, this will not be the case at Nebraska. One of the best things about college is you get to start over in a way. Even people staying in state and going to colleges with lots of people from high school can have this experience, albeit not as intense or extreme.
So the question then becomes, who should I be? And saying "Devin, just be yourself" isn't a good answer, because all my life, I have been constantly evolving and changing on the inside. On the outside it may not always seem that way, but that's because people (including myself) force on me expectations on how I should act. In a way, it's like stereotyping, except doing it for just one person. It’s a flaw to believe that just because a person acted this way before means they will act that way again (although it is often correct). Am I an exception? Ask yourself that. All my life I’ve considered myself an exception to quite a few things, sometimes erroneously. I guess I would say I’m special, a unique snowflake of sorts (color matches).
So thoughts, questions, comments? This entry has taken 45 minutes to write, so I kinda hope I get something. But at the same time, if you read this, that's all I can really ask of you: that you know a little bit of what I am and what's going through my head. You can stop me in the hall or text/call me or whatever and we can talk. Don't be afraid because, after all, who the hell am I to reject you?
Being a senior this year has made me realize that there is little room for hate. Other people in my class that I’ve previously strongly disliked I’ve grown to accept and even like now. I really can't think of anyone in our class that I dislike, but that might be because I don't really care about them and thus don't give them the time of day. When I hear other seniors bitch and moan about seniors they don't like, I get kinda confused. I think to myself "wow, you'd think that by now they would've grown to accept that person for who they are." this all makes me sound so holier than thou, and while I am more holy than everyone else (though none of us compare to Mr. Moore or Jesus), I don't mean it to sound this way. I still feel hatred and anger running through me, just not like it used to. And instead of channeling it into livejournal posts that make me seem like all I do is hate (perception equals reality anyone?), I have learned to accept that about myself.
This year i feel a lot more mature. I may still may act like an attention whore fuck up little shit sometimes, but hey, that's just me going back to my old ways on occasion.
Next year when I’m at the university of Nebraska, I’ll have a clean slate. Nobody will know who I am, and more importantly, know who I was. Over high school I have lost a few friendships because of many factors, whether they be temporary insanity, mistakes, or me just pushing people away. Regardless, I start out college fresh and can choose to be whomever I want. I think that I have changed myself to reflect the people I admire most. When we meet someone we really respect, we change ourselves slightly because we think that person is, well, bomb (but not necessarily skeet-skeet). This, along with past experiences, is how we evolve as people. I feel happier about the person I am today than I ever have before. However, I am still haunted by my past as it remains in both my memory and the memories of those around me. Some people can't get over shit/let things go and, well, they shouldn't have to because I should've never done or said things. Regardless, this will not be the case at Nebraska. One of the best things about college is you get to start over in a way. Even people staying in state and going to colleges with lots of people from high school can have this experience, albeit not as intense or extreme.
So the question then becomes, who should I be? And saying "Devin, just be yourself" isn't a good answer, because all my life, I have been constantly evolving and changing on the inside. On the outside it may not always seem that way, but that's because people (including myself) force on me expectations on how I should act. In a way, it's like stereotyping, except doing it for just one person. It’s a flaw to believe that just because a person acted this way before means they will act that way again (although it is often correct). Am I an exception? Ask yourself that. All my life I’ve considered myself an exception to quite a few things, sometimes erroneously. I guess I would say I’m special, a unique snowflake of sorts (color matches).
So thoughts, questions, comments? This entry has taken 45 minutes to write, so I kinda hope I get something. But at the same time, if you read this, that's all I can really ask of you: that you know a little bit of what I am and what's going through my head. You can stop me in the hall or text/call me or whatever and we can talk. Don't be afraid because, after all, who the hell am I to reject you?