Burnt Out at Work
So I'm in the new apartment, in my new room, listening to a new iPod. It's amazing that music can supply a small bit of connection when I'm lacking, even if it's a connection to similarly difficult time.
I love the apartment. I love living with Bq. Honestly, he's the only one keeping me sane right now. He's what is keeping me from collapsing. Him and a lack of any space or safe, strong, figure to collapse upon.
The last two weeks at work have been really bad. Yesterday brought an unexpected success and new hope to our dwindling numbers, but overall the stress level has mounted to something I'm not going to be able to handle for much longer. I really tried to always give myself time when I needed it, and let myself focus on fun things like designing posters and the new website. These are things that rejuvenate me and don't stretch the limits of my already-low supply of extroverted energy, but really they just get me to the end of the day. Despite my efforts, I am burnt out, after only one year.
I know why. I understand that this job is about constantly putting time, energy and hope into events, activities, advertising strategies, and new initiatives that fail at least 75% of the time, and I am NOT a person who can stay detached.
I find solace in the kids. They're amazing, especially Michael. Mo and I have agreed that we would have quit long ago, had it not been for him. I hope he knows how amazing he is.
I have new strategies, new ideas, and at least one new exciting project, but really I know that they are just coping mechanisms until I can get out. I'll start looking at grad school and other job options in December, and hopefully have a new job by June, when our favorites graduate.
Part of the problem is that I don't really have a way to deal with the stress because I don't have anyone to talk to right now. Bobby has his own stuff to deal with and when I talk to him, even when I hint that things are wrong, it's like he's somewhere else. Somewhere that can't help me.
And of course Dan is in Japan.
I'm really glad I'm going down to visit Sam in a couple weeks, and Celine and Anna are always great to talk to, but somehow talking doesn't always help. I think what I am missing is physical comfort. Basically, a relationship.
So what am I doing? Ignoring it, and without tv I might add, because it won't be installed until monday. If I just keep going nobody can see it and it's not there. It only comes back when I stop moving, and it's there every time I stop moving, like a weight.
So here I am on a friday night. Dave invited me out to see his new place, Anna and Celine are gallery-hopping, and Lindsay wants me to meet her for drinks to hook me up with her friend Nick... and I don't want to go out. I actually don't have the impulse to do anything. Maybe I'll just head to bed.
I love the apartment. I love living with Bq. Honestly, he's the only one keeping me sane right now. He's what is keeping me from collapsing. Him and a lack of any space or safe, strong, figure to collapse upon.
The last two weeks at work have been really bad. Yesterday brought an unexpected success and new hope to our dwindling numbers, but overall the stress level has mounted to something I'm not going to be able to handle for much longer. I really tried to always give myself time when I needed it, and let myself focus on fun things like designing posters and the new website. These are things that rejuvenate me and don't stretch the limits of my already-low supply of extroverted energy, but really they just get me to the end of the day. Despite my efforts, I am burnt out, after only one year.
I know why. I understand that this job is about constantly putting time, energy and hope into events, activities, advertising strategies, and new initiatives that fail at least 75% of the time, and I am NOT a person who can stay detached.
I find solace in the kids. They're amazing, especially Michael. Mo and I have agreed that we would have quit long ago, had it not been for him. I hope he knows how amazing he is.
I have new strategies, new ideas, and at least one new exciting project, but really I know that they are just coping mechanisms until I can get out. I'll start looking at grad school and other job options in December, and hopefully have a new job by June, when our favorites graduate.
Part of the problem is that I don't really have a way to deal with the stress because I don't have anyone to talk to right now. Bobby has his own stuff to deal with and when I talk to him, even when I hint that things are wrong, it's like he's somewhere else. Somewhere that can't help me.
And of course Dan is in Japan.
I'm really glad I'm going down to visit Sam in a couple weeks, and Celine and Anna are always great to talk to, but somehow talking doesn't always help. I think what I am missing is physical comfort. Basically, a relationship.
So what am I doing? Ignoring it, and without tv I might add, because it won't be installed until monday. If I just keep going nobody can see it and it's not there. It only comes back when I stop moving, and it's there every time I stop moving, like a weight.
So here I am on a friday night. Dave invited me out to see his new place, Anna and Celine are gallery-hopping, and Lindsay wants me to meet her for drinks to hook me up with her friend Nick... and I don't want to go out. I actually don't have the impulse to do anything. Maybe I'll just head to bed.