Alone
This is my first real attempt at trying to express my feelings so sorry if this comes off ...well off.
I dedicated almost 4 years of my life to Ben and all I can feel with the aftermath is a giant void inside of me. Everyone has flaws but to me he was as perfect as it can get to me. I found someone I was completely happy with and could see myself growing old with. But alas, like I am surprised, it was not meant to be.
I always hear that there is someone better out there and I'm sure there is but I just don't feel it anymore. Yes, technically I left Ben but he might as well have left me.
This brings me to the only logical conclusion as to why I constantly suffer.
I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything.
I know how ridiculously stupid that sounds and I assure you I don't say that for pity. I say it for the mere fact its really how I feel.
Why can't someone find me? What's so wrong with me? In all my relationships I've been the one who initiates. I've chased and charmed and traveled my way to love. 2 years ago I asked benson to move here but he said no... guess I'm not worth it.
No one ever finds me and that my friends is why I have such low self esteem issues. I honestly don't think I deserve anyone...
Each day I feel uglier and I don't know if I can ever recover. This hurts so much and I just want to scream but I can't.
When I first got with Ben I was already very wary of falling in love again. Between the first love in michael to my horrible distreatment of Eric, "the rebound" if you will, then Trea, my only relationship that didn't start behind a pc screen...I was terrified with Ben. I didn't want to feel that same pain again.
4 years later nearly and here I am right back into this emotional hell. All of my relationships (aside from my first) were extremely painful but not even those combined can describe how much hurt I feel from me and Benson's.
He is such a great person and just too good for me. I think everyone is to be honest. I don't know how I've grown to hate myself but its probably all the rejection.
I'm just a broken toy at a factory who needs to be locked away in the broken toy closet.
My greatest fear in life is slowly but surely leading to reality...and that's dying alone. And I don't mean literally...most of us die alone but I mean dying lonely...a broken hearted mess.
I fear that will be me...
I fear that I will be forgotten. I try so hard to please others I never stop to help myself. I gave everything I had for michael...SLAM that door got shut. I was too stupid to love eric...SLAM that door shuts too. Trea and I became long distance...my own fault and that was done. Then 4 years of a great life but the only problem was ben only loved me as a friend.
That is what I found out recently. I gave everything I could possibly give and finally built the courage to propose marriage again and he doesn't even love me.
God damn I hate love and I hate my fucking stupid ass self for ever believing it possible.
Anyways, I apologize for this shitty emo fest post but I haven't been able to express my feelings in a while and this is sadly 100% how I feel right now.
I don't want sympathy...if I get it fine but the point of this post was to get what I feel out of me in hopes maybe it will help me a little.
Thanks for reading if you're not sleeping yet
-Emy
I dedicated almost 4 years of my life to Ben and all I can feel with the aftermath is a giant void inside of me. Everyone has flaws but to me he was as perfect as it can get to me. I found someone I was completely happy with and could see myself growing old with. But alas, like I am surprised, it was not meant to be.
I always hear that there is someone better out there and I'm sure there is but I just don't feel it anymore. Yes, technically I left Ben but he might as well have left me.
This brings me to the only logical conclusion as to why I constantly suffer.
I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything.
I know how ridiculously stupid that sounds and I assure you I don't say that for pity. I say it for the mere fact its really how I feel.
Why can't someone find me? What's so wrong with me? In all my relationships I've been the one who initiates. I've chased and charmed and traveled my way to love. 2 years ago I asked benson to move here but he said no... guess I'm not worth it.
No one ever finds me and that my friends is why I have such low self esteem issues. I honestly don't think I deserve anyone...
Each day I feel uglier and I don't know if I can ever recover. This hurts so much and I just want to scream but I can't.
When I first got with Ben I was already very wary of falling in love again. Between the first love in michael to my horrible distreatment of Eric, "the rebound" if you will, then Trea, my only relationship that didn't start behind a pc screen...I was terrified with Ben. I didn't want to feel that same pain again.
4 years later nearly and here I am right back into this emotional hell. All of my relationships (aside from my first) were extremely painful but not even those combined can describe how much hurt I feel from me and Benson's.
He is such a great person and just too good for me. I think everyone is to be honest. I don't know how I've grown to hate myself but its probably all the rejection.
I'm just a broken toy at a factory who needs to be locked away in the broken toy closet.
My greatest fear in life is slowly but surely leading to reality...and that's dying alone. And I don't mean literally...most of us die alone but I mean dying lonely...a broken hearted mess.
I fear that will be me...
I fear that I will be forgotten. I try so hard to please others I never stop to help myself. I gave everything I had for michael...SLAM that door got shut. I was too stupid to love eric...SLAM that door shuts too. Trea and I became long distance...my own fault and that was done. Then 4 years of a great life but the only problem was ben only loved me as a friend.
That is what I found out recently. I gave everything I could possibly give and finally built the courage to propose marriage again and he doesn't even love me.
God damn I hate love and I hate my fucking stupid ass self for ever believing it possible.
Anyways, I apologize for this shitty emo fest post but I haven't been able to express my feelings in a while and this is sadly 100% how I feel right now.
I don't want sympathy...if I get it fine but the point of this post was to get what I feel out of me in hopes maybe it will help me a little.
Thanks for reading if you're not sleeping yet
-Emy