I don't want to be the one the battles always choose, cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused
I do wonder... how many posts am I at?
"What do you want to bitch about today, Alex?" Hmmm.. I dunno. I just know I have an opperunity to update my journal, so I want to take it.
Lets take it from the top!
"Is any of this real... or not?"
I have alot in my heart lately that I'm having a hard time expressing. I don't know why.. I mean, I've never had too much of a problem expressing myself and how I feel. But there's just so many things that coinside with eachother and I just... I dunno, I can't grasp it all or how to handle it. So I guess you could say for the last couple days I've been sorta going through the motions.
Also.. I'm a bit of an attention whore as we all know. Specifically when it comes to my signifigant others. Yesterday, I realized that if attention is what I want out of a relationship, I'm definately in the wrong one. Adrienne and her.. not even girlfriend yet.. just.. friend with potential.. were cuddling and loving on eachother and giggling and having fun all day.. And I couldn't shave off more than 2 minutes at a time with James. He just always keeps himself busy with this or that, anything really. He never takes the time to really grasp that I'm here souly for the reason to be with him and spend time with him. Hence the entire come over here for the week thing. And I constantly try to love on him.. give him a hug, or a kiss.. and sometimes he'll give it back, and other times it's like he doesn't even notice. When he gives me attention, I love it. He treates me great. But he seems to think that we're "Past that point" in our relationship where we can laugh and giggle and hang out with just the two of us for fun. Past that point?? How can we be past that point? That point is supposed to last forever. That's what love is, right? Finding someone who each and every day of your life you find amazing in a new way. Where you can tickle and giggle and laugh and play... I dunno.. maybe I'm overthinking it all. Maybe this is just how things are supposed to be. I'll just have to deal, I guess.. but it seems like I've been doing alot of that lately. More than James is willing to do.....
Now, don't get me wrong. I love him with all my heart, and he IS a great guy. Really, he's sweeter than fucking pie. He really is fantastic, and I am amazed with him everyday. I'm so thankful to have him. But sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted. Like, I'm happy and entralled with the fact that I have someone as beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, caring, and funny as James in my life everyday. And giving him 5-20 minutes of love just to show to him how much I care about him and how greatfull I am for him is nothing less than what I feel necissary for someone you love deeply. .... And sometimes I feel like for him to give me that much love is more "work" to him than anything else. I guess that's why I ask if he really does love me so much. We express it in different ways.. but as I've said before, I go by the "Treat people how you want to be treated" thing. That's what I want. I want the 5-20 minutes of love and cuddling just because he's thankful for me. I want to know that he doesn't just take our time together for granted, because in all honesty, and as badly as I may sound like a parent right now; anything could happen. I could die tomorrow. He could die tomorrow. ANYTHING could happen. Doesn't have to be your fault. A car crash is a perfect example. ...Arg.. one night he was thankful for me, after we finally saw Brokeback Mountain. He was thankful for me for the last 2 hours of that day and didn't take me for granted. And, in fact; admitted that sometimes he does. But then the next day it's like he didn't even remember and it's back to the same old same old.
Really, I guess James is all that's been on my mind lately. All these little problems in my head that I sorta try to mention only to be shot down halfway into the conversation because all I'm doing is whining.
/sighs
I wonder if I can keep going like this.