Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
.. I haven't update in a really long time. In all honesty, I haven't that energy to. Things in my life have gone.. to nothing. Michael left me yesterday, and I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I'm not. I'm just not. I'm trying, please believe I am trying, but I cannot handle this.
I want to say thank you to those of you who care.. who try to help me...
My entire world is gone... without it, I have no future.
Michael.. this is to you:
I understand what you expect of me... but if you loved me you would not do this. If you truely loved me you would work through all of this, take the shit your dad gives you and just keep going. I know he's a fucking dick, but that's why i wanted to take you out. You didn't want to leave, therefore you are not allowed to complain about what your dad says and does to you. You say your dad is all you can depend on, but that you used to be me. You just remember, I have never lied to you. I have always treated you with great respect and showed you all the love in the world, because I love you. You need to know that with your heart. For a little bit, just drop your emotional guard and take in what i'm saying because it's the last thing I have to say.
Your dad is PLAYING YOU. And it is WORKING. You like to think that you are playing him, but in 2 weeks he's changed you completely. You are not you anymore, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. COME BACK TO ME. Come back to everyone. Come back, michael. Just come back. You promised me you wouldn't forget, and now you have. You know me. I know you. Days we took walks and comforted eachother in our problems, nights we spent making love and promising "forever and always" and now it's call gone to you because you think everything we were and everything we planned was stupid. The reality of the situation is that what you're doing now is stupid. What you're pretending to be is stupid. What your pushing away, is stupid. I know that your dad is behind alot of this, and probably behind alot more than what you even think. I've seen and heard the way he talks to you and doesn't allow you to have your own thoughts. He warped your mind, michael. he makes it look like I'VE done it, but in fact if you remember right, I always told you to do what you want and express what you want. I've always told you that! I care about what you want, and I care because I want to be with you. No matter what I want to be with you. You're pushing me away because of your dad, and he probably threatened my safety, maybe that's part of it. The point is, I cannot go on living thinking that you don't want me in your life.
And for the record, there is nothing in my life that i need to get straight. Everything in my life was going fine. I got my job, I had you. *I* was doing what *I* wanted to do, but at the same time just because I'm not finishing high school like you I'm not succeding. The only success in this world is when you're happy, and I hope you someday realize the mistakes of your choices and blame.
As much as you want to blame your discission on other peoples actions, this is all squarily on you. You hate people approaching you and talking to you about it, but it's alot bigger of a deal than you're making it out to be. We were ENGAGED! Remember that? Forever and always, remember that? You wanted to take care of me! Remember that? You said no matter what you would never let go of me, and I did nothing wrong for you to leave me right now. I have done nothing to deserve this pain. I have goals in my life more than you know. I have goals of being with you. I have goals of paying the bills. I have goals of the hours I will work and the places I will apply for work at. Just because I don't work in some huge office does not mean I am not a success because with you I would've been the strongest, hard working person alive.
Stop pretending. Stop saying being straight is easier because it's NOT. The only reason this is so hard is because of YOUR DAD. Try to realize who the bad person here REALLY is and take your dads words out of your head. You and I both know that your dad is full of a BUNCH of bullshit. He said you could come with me for the summer, that was a LIE. He's said alot of things that were LIES. He's tried to KILL YOU! He even tried to fight with you because you SAW ME??? I would NEVER EVER do that. And when you were with me on that last weekend, what was I doing being taking care of you? You were taking care of me, and I was taking care of you. I do not cause you as much stress as you want to pull over, because if it wasn't for your dad there would be no stress between us.
You're a great person. You're an AMAZING person. You know I mean that, you know I love you, you know I respect you and your opinions and thoughts. This last week hasn't been you. I have no reason to love a person who doesn't exist. And if the person who I love doesn't exist, I have no reason to be alive.
I wasn't lying when I said you're all I have to live for. You really were. You have no idea how important to me you really are and how much i want you out of there and away from that manipulative asshole. He took your feelings for me and made you believe that i was lying to you. And when you were proved WRONG, what then? You just didn't care. Maybe you need to think I'M not the one that's lying, but your dad was. And for you to follow your DADS advice for life when he's 40, alone, and barely making the bills; shows you how good he really is. Your dad is not all you have. Your dad is not someone you should depend on. Your decisions are your own, but once upon a time we had plans, and a future together. You ripped that away because you didn't think that it was possible, but really it is the most realistic thing you have. There is nothing in this world that you could do that I couldn't come with you and help you with. It's what I wanted to do, help you. Just like you helped me. It's too bad I will never be given that chance, and I'm sorry you have to know how much you broke my heart.
I can't eat, michael. Like it or not, YOU did it. I can't sleep Michael. Like it or not, YOU did it. I don't want to live anymore michael. Like it or not, your dad did it.... I want you to hurt right now, because I want you to feel. i want to know you care. I want you to stop living inside of your dads world because that world is NOT a reality. Your dads world is made hard because of himself, his temper, and his mental condition. And by the way, I am TOO your family! I'm your brother, your dad, your best friend, your lover. You need to really actually TRY to remember, PLEASE. For the sake of the love we had.
I love you Michael. I love you so much it hurts me now. All the great memories only hurt me now... and maybe that's why you don't remember, because you don't want to hurt. Like it or not Michael, but by leaving me you put me through the greatest pain of my life. I hope your story ends up a happy one...
get away from you dad...
get away from that house...
Do whatever you have to, but just PLEASE... even if you never talk to me again, GET OUT. Run away, do what you need to but GET AWAY from him! PLEASE!
....... I asked God to help me be with you, not to take you away...
If someone could give that to Michael.. okay, if EVERYONE could give that to Michael, it would mean alot to me. I want him to have multiple copies. PLEASE give it to him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. It is my last wish in this world. GIVE HIM THAT NOTE!
I want to say thank you to those of you who care.. who try to help me...
My entire world is gone... without it, I have no future.
Michael.. this is to you:
I understand what you expect of me... but if you loved me you would not do this. If you truely loved me you would work through all of this, take the shit your dad gives you and just keep going. I know he's a fucking dick, but that's why i wanted to take you out. You didn't want to leave, therefore you are not allowed to complain about what your dad says and does to you. You say your dad is all you can depend on, but that you used to be me. You just remember, I have never lied to you. I have always treated you with great respect and showed you all the love in the world, because I love you. You need to know that with your heart. For a little bit, just drop your emotional guard and take in what i'm saying because it's the last thing I have to say.
Your dad is PLAYING YOU. And it is WORKING. You like to think that you are playing him, but in 2 weeks he's changed you completely. You are not you anymore, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. COME BACK TO ME. Come back to everyone. Come back, michael. Just come back. You promised me you wouldn't forget, and now you have. You know me. I know you. Days we took walks and comforted eachother in our problems, nights we spent making love and promising "forever and always" and now it's call gone to you because you think everything we were and everything we planned was stupid. The reality of the situation is that what you're doing now is stupid. What you're pretending to be is stupid. What your pushing away, is stupid. I know that your dad is behind alot of this, and probably behind alot more than what you even think. I've seen and heard the way he talks to you and doesn't allow you to have your own thoughts. He warped your mind, michael. he makes it look like I'VE done it, but in fact if you remember right, I always told you to do what you want and express what you want. I've always told you that! I care about what you want, and I care because I want to be with you. No matter what I want to be with you. You're pushing me away because of your dad, and he probably threatened my safety, maybe that's part of it. The point is, I cannot go on living thinking that you don't want me in your life.
And for the record, there is nothing in my life that i need to get straight. Everything in my life was going fine. I got my job, I had you. *I* was doing what *I* wanted to do, but at the same time just because I'm not finishing high school like you I'm not succeding. The only success in this world is when you're happy, and I hope you someday realize the mistakes of your choices and blame.
As much as you want to blame your discission on other peoples actions, this is all squarily on you. You hate people approaching you and talking to you about it, but it's alot bigger of a deal than you're making it out to be. We were ENGAGED! Remember that? Forever and always, remember that? You wanted to take care of me! Remember that? You said no matter what you would never let go of me, and I did nothing wrong for you to leave me right now. I have done nothing to deserve this pain. I have goals in my life more than you know. I have goals of being with you. I have goals of paying the bills. I have goals of the hours I will work and the places I will apply for work at. Just because I don't work in some huge office does not mean I am not a success because with you I would've been the strongest, hard working person alive.
Stop pretending. Stop saying being straight is easier because it's NOT. The only reason this is so hard is because of YOUR DAD. Try to realize who the bad person here REALLY is and take your dads words out of your head. You and I both know that your dad is full of a BUNCH of bullshit. He said you could come with me for the summer, that was a LIE. He's said alot of things that were LIES. He's tried to KILL YOU! He even tried to fight with you because you SAW ME??? I would NEVER EVER do that. And when you were with me on that last weekend, what was I doing being taking care of you? You were taking care of me, and I was taking care of you. I do not cause you as much stress as you want to pull over, because if it wasn't for your dad there would be no stress between us.
You're a great person. You're an AMAZING person. You know I mean that, you know I love you, you know I respect you and your opinions and thoughts. This last week hasn't been you. I have no reason to love a person who doesn't exist. And if the person who I love doesn't exist, I have no reason to be alive.
I wasn't lying when I said you're all I have to live for. You really were. You have no idea how important to me you really are and how much i want you out of there and away from that manipulative asshole. He took your feelings for me and made you believe that i was lying to you. And when you were proved WRONG, what then? You just didn't care. Maybe you need to think I'M not the one that's lying, but your dad was. And for you to follow your DADS advice for life when he's 40, alone, and barely making the bills; shows you how good he really is. Your dad is not all you have. Your dad is not someone you should depend on. Your decisions are your own, but once upon a time we had plans, and a future together. You ripped that away because you didn't think that it was possible, but really it is the most realistic thing you have. There is nothing in this world that you could do that I couldn't come with you and help you with. It's what I wanted to do, help you. Just like you helped me. It's too bad I will never be given that chance, and I'm sorry you have to know how much you broke my heart.
I can't eat, michael. Like it or not, YOU did it. I can't sleep Michael. Like it or not, YOU did it. I don't want to live anymore michael. Like it or not, your dad did it.... I want you to hurt right now, because I want you to feel. i want to know you care. I want you to stop living inside of your dads world because that world is NOT a reality. Your dads world is made hard because of himself, his temper, and his mental condition. And by the way, I am TOO your family! I'm your brother, your dad, your best friend, your lover. You need to really actually TRY to remember, PLEASE. For the sake of the love we had.
I love you Michael. I love you so much it hurts me now. All the great memories only hurt me now... and maybe that's why you don't remember, because you don't want to hurt. Like it or not Michael, but by leaving me you put me through the greatest pain of my life. I hope your story ends up a happy one...
get away from you dad...
get away from that house...
Do whatever you have to, but just PLEASE... even if you never talk to me again, GET OUT. Run away, do what you need to but GET AWAY from him! PLEASE!
....... I asked God to help me be with you, not to take you away...
If someone could give that to Michael.. okay, if EVERYONE could give that to Michael, it would mean alot to me. I want him to have multiple copies. PLEASE give it to him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. It is my last wish in this world. GIVE HIM THAT NOTE!