TRUTH CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES (SP?)
I had to leave church in the middle of class today 0.o Zulma had to go home. I was talking to her about it, I was trying to see if she could call her mom and say she'd be late or something (I felt so bad talking, instead of REALLY listening...) but she couldn't. It wasn't her fault, her mom gets really strict (she even scares me.) So I had to raise my hand in the middle of the guy talking and be like "We gotta go...." I was mortified. I feel like a horrible person too. I really hope no one thinks i'm like, the evil child who left church. I might be being paranoid but, seriously, what kind of girl walks out of church in the middle? I don't see anything else I could have done, still. I left church early. NOT only that but it was a church I liked. I don't know, there was just so much passion. I can't describe it. I mean all my other churches when we worshiped it was just kind mumbling along with the words. There was NOTHING to it, nothing real. I never actually felt anything, and the only thing I could think of was "when will this be over so I can sit down." ... and I can't describe it, but this was different. I am hoping i'll be able to go again, but there's a slight problem with that...
My parents. They are religious, but they're picky. They didn't get to come today, but they'll be there next time. They're probably bring my sister and my Niece and Nephew. Not that I have a problem with that, I want them to go to church. Believe me I do. But, my mom thinks anyone who is really truly sweet is faking it. She thinks no one can just be - nice. I don't know, i'm just afraid they won't like it for a stupid reason then I won't be able to go. They never go to weekday church so I suppose I might be able to go on fridays if they don't want to go on sundays. Then i'd have to find someone to go with. Zulma might not be able to go (her mom again) and as where I know Brian who goes there - I don't know him that well. I hate feeling like i'm pushing myself into people "circles" ya know? Like they'll have a group of people they hang with, and you just come in because you know one of the people and - are just there. They one else knows you and every ones just kinda like "uh huh, who's the kid with the black jacket?" I doubt they'd ever say they, they're really cool people but I can't describe it but I don't wanna be the person who pushes herself in.
One of the things that troubles me the most about my parents coming is how I feel around them. Today I could really - sing. It felt great...I felt great. Normally I just mumble the words in a pathetic attempt to look interested. I don't know if it makes any sense but if I think they're watching me I won't be able to feel how I did today. They judge. They say they don't, but if I (there own daughter) is afraid of what they'll think of me...its hopeless. They do judge, and I can't be loose around them. I'm always watching my back. I don't wanna make a mistake. I want so bad to just be perfect so they don't say anything about me anymore. So they can't say anything about me. But I think to feel like I did today when I was singing (by the way -not a good singer. heh.) would be impossible if they where there. I don't even think i'd be able to sing at all...
I kind of was hoping Ray would come with me next friday for their youth group. Then again, I was thinking of all the things he could do to embarrass me. Which we all know he LOVES to do. He'd probably act like the most evil person you could meet just to make me mad. Then i'd me mortified for a SECOND time in the same church. Not that he's a bad guy, I mean he's not a good guy but last time I talked to him he said he was changing some of the stuff he did. I was glad. I hope he can, I don't know I don't want to out him on live journal. heh. I just hope he gets better.
OH! There was something good. (Besides me really liking the church itself and the worshiping. Which where without a doubt the best parts of my day.) I learned something. I thought all this stuff I was feeling, was just me being pathetic. Like - I used to sit outside at night looking into the sky and just asking myself how anyone could think God wasn't real. It was such a good feeling, I felt whole. Like I meant something, and that was probably one of the times I was closest to God. That seems like forever ago. Lately, I havn't been able to be even close to that feeling. I thought that something was wrong with me, like I was just evil or something. My friends where doing a good job of enforcing that theory. (I told you they think i'm a lesbian right? ugh.) But i'm not evil, and i'm not a lesbian. And I realized that today. (Just for the record, I knew I wasn't a lesbian.) I might not be as close to God right now as I want to be, but I just need to keep trying. I'm not going to feel this, far away, forever, and I'll bounce back. Knowing that made my day. Heh.
I really liked the part about "In the valley we grow." or something like that. It was about how the mountian top is the great times of our life when everything just goes right. And the Valley is where you are when your at your worst and everything seems like its against you. (Man, I hope I am putting this right 0.o) We like to be in the mountain top, we get to stay on the mountain top for a while. But we can't be there forever. BECAUSE in the valley, we grow. If we stayed on the mountain top we wouldn't grow ever. Ever... We wouldn't appreciate God and all the things he does for us to make us happy, if we where never sad... (One things for sure I'll never be a preacher, I am horrible at it I can barely spit back a lesson I learned today without distorting it...I hope I said it okay...0.o) Anyways, I liked that a lot. I need to get that "A Purpose Driven Life" book.
Normally at this point, i'd normally sulk myself in a story. Pour out everything i'm feeling onto words, that I could show people. Then when they asked questions about how the emotions are so real, I can pretend I made them up. Then I can get there honest reaction about what the character is doing, without them being nice because "it's a friend". It would probably be beautiful story. Full of pain, but with a happy ending anyways. Something that would help me out here. But as I've previously said, I can't get a line onto paper. Or at least one that I like. I was never a great writer, but now I just can't do it. I wrote yesterday, it was pretty forced though. I didn't really want to do it I felt like I had to. Maybe it's all mind over matter. Maybe it's just me being ridiculous, wouldn't be the first time...
I think i'll just go pray. Maybe something will happen, who knows?
P.S - I am chewing a tootsie pop, and I have cavities. It hurts, badly. And I have to get shots tomorrow, which will hurt. Badly. -is terrified of needles-.
My parents. They are religious, but they're picky. They didn't get to come today, but they'll be there next time. They're probably bring my sister and my Niece and Nephew. Not that I have a problem with that, I want them to go to church. Believe me I do. But, my mom thinks anyone who is really truly sweet is faking it. She thinks no one can just be - nice. I don't know, i'm just afraid they won't like it for a stupid reason then I won't be able to go. They never go to weekday church so I suppose I might be able to go on fridays if they don't want to go on sundays. Then i'd have to find someone to go with. Zulma might not be able to go (her mom again) and as where I know Brian who goes there - I don't know him that well. I hate feeling like i'm pushing myself into people "circles" ya know? Like they'll have a group of people they hang with, and you just come in because you know one of the people and - are just there. They one else knows you and every ones just kinda like "uh huh, who's the kid with the black jacket?" I doubt they'd ever say they, they're really cool people but I can't describe it but I don't wanna be the person who pushes herself in.
One of the things that troubles me the most about my parents coming is how I feel around them. Today I could really - sing. It felt great...I felt great. Normally I just mumble the words in a pathetic attempt to look interested. I don't know if it makes any sense but if I think they're watching me I won't be able to feel how I did today. They judge. They say they don't, but if I (there own daughter) is afraid of what they'll think of me...its hopeless. They do judge, and I can't be loose around them. I'm always watching my back. I don't wanna make a mistake. I want so bad to just be perfect so they don't say anything about me anymore. So they can't say anything about me. But I think to feel like I did today when I was singing (by the way -not a good singer. heh.) would be impossible if they where there. I don't even think i'd be able to sing at all...
I kind of was hoping Ray would come with me next friday for their youth group. Then again, I was thinking of all the things he could do to embarrass me. Which we all know he LOVES to do. He'd probably act like the most evil person you could meet just to make me mad. Then i'd me mortified for a SECOND time in the same church. Not that he's a bad guy, I mean he's not a good guy but last time I talked to him he said he was changing some of the stuff he did. I was glad. I hope he can, I don't know I don't want to out him on live journal. heh. I just hope he gets better.
OH! There was something good. (Besides me really liking the church itself and the worshiping. Which where without a doubt the best parts of my day.) I learned something. I thought all this stuff I was feeling, was just me being pathetic. Like - I used to sit outside at night looking into the sky and just asking myself how anyone could think God wasn't real. It was such a good feeling, I felt whole. Like I meant something, and that was probably one of the times I was closest to God. That seems like forever ago. Lately, I havn't been able to be even close to that feeling. I thought that something was wrong with me, like I was just evil or something. My friends where doing a good job of enforcing that theory. (I told you they think i'm a lesbian right? ugh.) But i'm not evil, and i'm not a lesbian. And I realized that today. (Just for the record, I knew I wasn't a lesbian.) I might not be as close to God right now as I want to be, but I just need to keep trying. I'm not going to feel this, far away, forever, and I'll bounce back. Knowing that made my day. Heh.
I really liked the part about "In the valley we grow." or something like that. It was about how the mountian top is the great times of our life when everything just goes right. And the Valley is where you are when your at your worst and everything seems like its against you. (Man, I hope I am putting this right 0.o) We like to be in the mountain top, we get to stay on the mountain top for a while. But we can't be there forever. BECAUSE in the valley, we grow. If we stayed on the mountain top we wouldn't grow ever. Ever... We wouldn't appreciate God and all the things he does for us to make us happy, if we where never sad... (One things for sure I'll never be a preacher, I am horrible at it I can barely spit back a lesson I learned today without distorting it...I hope I said it okay...0.o) Anyways, I liked that a lot. I need to get that "A Purpose Driven Life" book.
Normally at this point, i'd normally sulk myself in a story. Pour out everything i'm feeling onto words, that I could show people. Then when they asked questions about how the emotions are so real, I can pretend I made them up. Then I can get there honest reaction about what the character is doing, without them being nice because "it's a friend". It would probably be beautiful story. Full of pain, but with a happy ending anyways. Something that would help me out here. But as I've previously said, I can't get a line onto paper. Or at least one that I like. I was never a great writer, but now I just can't do it. I wrote yesterday, it was pretty forced though. I didn't really want to do it I felt like I had to. Maybe it's all mind over matter. Maybe it's just me being ridiculous, wouldn't be the first time...
I think i'll just go pray. Maybe something will happen, who knows?
P.S - I am chewing a tootsie pop, and I have cavities. It hurts, badly. And I have to get shots tomorrow, which will hurt. Badly. -is terrified of needles-.