The insomnia comes in waves..
Today was essentially a very boring day at work. I had so much time on my hands that I actually went back and read about a million of my journal entries from 500 million years ago. The reaction was no good at all.
I read all about my former self... it causes me to once again act like my former self. Perhaps it's just the PMS. I cried quite a bit today.
I would go back looking specifically for posts about Derek. How dumb is that? The person who tormented and scarred me most through all of high school, and I decided to make myself relive the pain? My god I'm a dumb ass. I have to say though.. the amount of love and respect for people was very evident. However, the amount of hate and pain was also quite prominent. My posts were highs and lows. Nothing in between. They always say that there is no grey area.
So here I am once again with a late night post (for no reason, none the less) to take up a page in some one's friends page that they will never read.
My life has the horrible ups and downs that everyone has. It just seems that when it rains, it pours.
By now, everyone knows that my car is in the body shop to get repaired from that accident awhile back. Well, they called me the other day to pick it up cuz it was "ready". HOWEVER.... Every damn part they put on there was fucking crooked! I almost lost my shit. I flipped out on the poor body shop guy. But the parts didn't fit my car... my hood was damaged and they didn't even fix it. The headlights didn't match up, and they had the wrong bumper on my car. Dumb asses. Needless to say, I prolly won't have my car by Christmas. Merry Fucking Christmas.
Kevin and I are still together. Barely.
I go through the same fit every time. It's just, each time, the process takes a little longer. My wandering eyes. The guys that flirt with me and act like they want me. None of it is a good mix. But I have myself in a fix this time. There's this guy, Eddie. He's HORRIBLE. I hate him so much, and I can't get enough of him. I realized today that my biggest mistake ever (still is a huge mistake I make) was believing that people actually cared about me. (Please no evil comments! I know some people genuinely did care)
This makes me THANKFUL (sarcasm) for Eddie who lets me know exactly where I stand. He does not care about me. I am someone to occupy his time, keep him company, and hopefully fuck one day. He does not care about who I am or what I am about. Yet... I'm strangely drawn. Every time I'm with him, he's the only person in the room. He knows he has that effect. When I'm away from him and alone, I think about him and what he's doing. I hope that secretly he does care for me and he's going to sweep me off my feet and make me so happy one day. When I'm with Kevin, there is only Kevin... until my cell phone rings and it's Eddie.
He does that shit on purpose.
Perhaps it's in my best interest to never talk to him again, but it's not possible.
We work together.
We play pool together.
Fuck...
As if I don't work enough, I now have a side job. If anyone is interested in at home "tupperware" parties, contact me. I'm now a rep. for the For Your Pleasure company. For some reason, that only makes Eddie want me more. (see how everything goes back to Eddie..)
I have my motorcycle. It's one of the very few things that lets me escape EVERYTHING... and I do mean EVERYTHING. Well, everything except traffic. I can clear my brain and just cruise. I love it... But that type of therapy is no longer available in 30 degree weather.
I think I'm just gonna go on a crash diet to lose 60 lbs, get a boob job, and move to vegas to become a showgirl. That would be the end of my problems!!! LOL.
At least I'm laughing now. The crying earlier was ridiculous.
I'm such a smiley happy person. This stuff isn't supposed to affect me in such a profound way.
To top it all of, my best guy friend (who was always meant to replace derek) moved to Florida. He'd understand. He'd talk to me and listen and give me fantastic input. He'd hold me until I stopped crying, then we'd get drunk and watch a movie. He'd tell me when I'm being stupid and congratulate me when I'm doing well. He meant the world to me, and I don't have that anymore. I don't have a lot of things anymore. There are so many voids to be filled.
I'm going to stop now.
The only thing that's really certain is... Money really CANT buy you happiness...
I read all about my former self... it causes me to once again act like my former self. Perhaps it's just the PMS. I cried quite a bit today.
I would go back looking specifically for posts about Derek. How dumb is that? The person who tormented and scarred me most through all of high school, and I decided to make myself relive the pain? My god I'm a dumb ass. I have to say though.. the amount of love and respect for people was very evident. However, the amount of hate and pain was also quite prominent. My posts were highs and lows. Nothing in between. They always say that there is no grey area.
So here I am once again with a late night post (for no reason, none the less) to take up a page in some one's friends page that they will never read.
My life has the horrible ups and downs that everyone has. It just seems that when it rains, it pours.
By now, everyone knows that my car is in the body shop to get repaired from that accident awhile back. Well, they called me the other day to pick it up cuz it was "ready". HOWEVER.... Every damn part they put on there was fucking crooked! I almost lost my shit. I flipped out on the poor body shop guy. But the parts didn't fit my car... my hood was damaged and they didn't even fix it. The headlights didn't match up, and they had the wrong bumper on my car. Dumb asses. Needless to say, I prolly won't have my car by Christmas. Merry Fucking Christmas.
Kevin and I are still together. Barely.
I go through the same fit every time. It's just, each time, the process takes a little longer. My wandering eyes. The guys that flirt with me and act like they want me. None of it is a good mix. But I have myself in a fix this time. There's this guy, Eddie. He's HORRIBLE. I hate him so much, and I can't get enough of him. I realized today that my biggest mistake ever (still is a huge mistake I make) was believing that people actually cared about me. (Please no evil comments! I know some people genuinely did care)
This makes me THANKFUL (sarcasm) for Eddie who lets me know exactly where I stand. He does not care about me. I am someone to occupy his time, keep him company, and hopefully fuck one day. He does not care about who I am or what I am about. Yet... I'm strangely drawn. Every time I'm with him, he's the only person in the room. He knows he has that effect. When I'm away from him and alone, I think about him and what he's doing. I hope that secretly he does care for me and he's going to sweep me off my feet and make me so happy one day. When I'm with Kevin, there is only Kevin... until my cell phone rings and it's Eddie.
He does that shit on purpose.
Perhaps it's in my best interest to never talk to him again, but it's not possible.
We work together.
We play pool together.
Fuck...
As if I don't work enough, I now have a side job. If anyone is interested in at home "tupperware" parties, contact me. I'm now a rep. for the For Your Pleasure company. For some reason, that only makes Eddie want me more. (see how everything goes back to Eddie..)
I have my motorcycle. It's one of the very few things that lets me escape EVERYTHING... and I do mean EVERYTHING. Well, everything except traffic. I can clear my brain and just cruise. I love it... But that type of therapy is no longer available in 30 degree weather.
I think I'm just gonna go on a crash diet to lose 60 lbs, get a boob job, and move to vegas to become a showgirl. That would be the end of my problems!!! LOL.
At least I'm laughing now. The crying earlier was ridiculous.
I'm such a smiley happy person. This stuff isn't supposed to affect me in such a profound way.
To top it all of, my best guy friend (who was always meant to replace derek) moved to Florida. He'd understand. He'd talk to me and listen and give me fantastic input. He'd hold me until I stopped crying, then we'd get drunk and watch a movie. He'd tell me when I'm being stupid and congratulate me when I'm doing well. He meant the world to me, and I don't have that anymore. I don't have a lot of things anymore. There are so many voids to be filled.
I'm going to stop now.
The only thing that's really certain is... Money really CANT buy you happiness...