the time has come
i've been waiting for a long long time for this. i am nervous, and exicted, and scared out of my wits. I haven't been to confession since my own confirmation. I haven't seen father o'byrne outside of the mass i went to a few weeks ago in a year and a half. but he was so inviting and so accomodating. It was no problem at all for him to see me. It was basically whenever i wanted I could come.
I'm scared. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say and I'm not sure exactly what to expect. Ever since I got back from Europe though. I've wanted to go back to Church so badly. I'm hoping that by talking with father, that block I have will dissapear and I will feel comfortable standing with my brother and saying yes, I am a role model catholic. Role model may be a bit much, but I just want to feel connected to my faith again. I feel so close, like there's just one obstacle to overcome. And that obstacle is confession and feeling like it's okay that I strayed and that God will accept me back into his arms. I'm also a little nervous I think that this meeting with father won't do that for me. That perhaps the problem is deeper than I thought or that I haven't made as much progress back towards God as I've thought.
But honestly, compared to where I was last year, I feel ready to go back. Last year I was contemplating the existence of God and questioning everything the Catholic Church stands for. I was wondering if perhaps it wasn't just a social construction to promote the growth and life of morality amongst people. I thought that God was a social construction in the sense that the Catholic Church described him. That he wasn't all loving. He wasn't my father, he was an inanimateobject. I believed in some kind of higher power but I couldn't quite define what kind of higher power. What that power entailed and what it meant in my life.
But I know now that God is always with me. When I felt at my lowest and loneliest, I knew that he was there with me and I was never truly alone. I may not agree with everything the Catholic Church teaches, and yes, the Church is a social construction in some sense. But what makes it more than just a social construction is the meaning behind it. From my philosophy classes I learned how different religions can co-exist, and how they can all be right in a sense. becuase they all teach the same fundamental beliefs. And they all have the same God. The differences are in the practices and rituals which are social constructions. Man created the practices and rituals we use today. You don't need a building to have God in your life. You have to have faith in the Lord to have God in your life. God is always there, with or without your faith, you just experience him differently.
There has been so much keeping me from God in the last year. And it was mostly me just trying to test the waters and the limits of my own faith. I don't think I quite realized what the repurcussions of that experiment would be. But it became a fear of a building. Something that is man-made. And I know that father o'byrne can't take back all of my sins. But according to the church he can absolve me and I think that it's just a feeling, hearing "it's okay" that is all I need to feel religiously whole again.
wish me luck.
I'm scared. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to say and I'm not sure exactly what to expect. Ever since I got back from Europe though. I've wanted to go back to Church so badly. I'm hoping that by talking with father, that block I have will dissapear and I will feel comfortable standing with my brother and saying yes, I am a role model catholic. Role model may be a bit much, but I just want to feel connected to my faith again. I feel so close, like there's just one obstacle to overcome. And that obstacle is confession and feeling like it's okay that I strayed and that God will accept me back into his arms. I'm also a little nervous I think that this meeting with father won't do that for me. That perhaps the problem is deeper than I thought or that I haven't made as much progress back towards God as I've thought.
But honestly, compared to where I was last year, I feel ready to go back. Last year I was contemplating the existence of God and questioning everything the Catholic Church stands for. I was wondering if perhaps it wasn't just a social construction to promote the growth and life of morality amongst people. I thought that God was a social construction in the sense that the Catholic Church described him. That he wasn't all loving. He wasn't my father, he was an inanimateobject. I believed in some kind of higher power but I couldn't quite define what kind of higher power. What that power entailed and what it meant in my life.
But I know now that God is always with me. When I felt at my lowest and loneliest, I knew that he was there with me and I was never truly alone. I may not agree with everything the Catholic Church teaches, and yes, the Church is a social construction in some sense. But what makes it more than just a social construction is the meaning behind it. From my philosophy classes I learned how different religions can co-exist, and how they can all be right in a sense. becuase they all teach the same fundamental beliefs. And they all have the same God. The differences are in the practices and rituals which are social constructions. Man created the practices and rituals we use today. You don't need a building to have God in your life. You have to have faith in the Lord to have God in your life. God is always there, with or without your faith, you just experience him differently.
There has been so much keeping me from God in the last year. And it was mostly me just trying to test the waters and the limits of my own faith. I don't think I quite realized what the repurcussions of that experiment would be. But it became a fear of a building. Something that is man-made. And I know that father o'byrne can't take back all of my sins. But according to the church he can absolve me and I think that it's just a feeling, hearing "it's okay" that is all I need to feel religiously whole again.
wish me luck.