Losing My Emotions
Huh. Well, I was thinking to myself the other night about my current situation in life. I'm technically single, but I have a fuck buddy who has five kids and is getting a divorce. That sounds a lot worse than it really is. I don't care how many kids she has or how old they are or if she's in the middle of a divorce, so none of you should, just in case you do (and I know some will).
Anyways, I know that I'm not going to have feelings for this young woman (whom is older than I by a few years, but that doesn't matter), but I've seen that she might be getting feelings for me. Now, I've told her repeatedly that I am not looking for a relationship. She understands this and says that it's the same with her, so if she does indeed fall for me, it's her own fault if I break her heart.
Now, this gets to the actual topic of this post. I have come to realize that it's going to be a very long time before I allow a woman to have access to my heart. Now, my family has told me not to allow the situation with Nicole to change my view on women, and it hasn't, really, but it has changed my perspective on love. I find myself reluctant to get into an emotional relationship with anyone. I think about how I felt when I was pre-Marines Nicole and I smile. Then I think about Marine Nicole and my blood runs cold, then goes immediately to boiling. Yes, I know I shouldn't allow her to have this type of effect on me, but she does. I can't help it. I fell in love with her to the point where I was contemplating marriage. Bah... just thinking about it again makes me feel sorry for myself. That's a horrible feeling. I know all of you know how that is. Feeling sorry for yourself is a horrid feeling. I'd rank it in the top five worse emotions ever.
Anyways, I don't know. I'm hoping my trip home for a couple of weeks will be beneficial to me, but I'm skeptical. I want a girlfriend, but I don't, y'know? It's hard to explain. I want to have that elation I had with Nicole, but then I think of what happened later and it's just... *shudder* Ew, no. I don't ever want to feel like that again.
We'll see, I guess. For now I'll just close myself off from any type of relationship and just enjoy having relations with a very smexy young woman. I need female friends, I think. I mean, in real life, that is. I don't have any around here. All the ones back home moved elsewhere. I'm hoping my friend, Karen, from back home will be able to help me out a bit and hang out. I really do miss all my friends from back home. I haven't had female companionship in a very long time and it's showing. I've become even more rude than normal. Now, my online personality was quite different than my real life personality before I joined the Army, but now I've started to become that person entirely. While that's not a necessarily bad thing (hell it's actually a good thing I think), it just doesn't feel... right? No, it does or I wouldn't be it. I dunno, I feel like I'm more of an asshole now than I should be and that doesn't set right with me. Hmm... I'll think on that.
Anyways, I know that I'm not going to have feelings for this young woman (whom is older than I by a few years, but that doesn't matter), but I've seen that she might be getting feelings for me. Now, I've told her repeatedly that I am not looking for a relationship. She understands this and says that it's the same with her, so if she does indeed fall for me, it's her own fault if I break her heart.
Now, this gets to the actual topic of this post. I have come to realize that it's going to be a very long time before I allow a woman to have access to my heart. Now, my family has told me not to allow the situation with Nicole to change my view on women, and it hasn't, really, but it has changed my perspective on love. I find myself reluctant to get into an emotional relationship with anyone. I think about how I felt when I was pre-Marines Nicole and I smile. Then I think about Marine Nicole and my blood runs cold, then goes immediately to boiling. Yes, I know I shouldn't allow her to have this type of effect on me, but she does. I can't help it. I fell in love with her to the point where I was contemplating marriage. Bah... just thinking about it again makes me feel sorry for myself. That's a horrible feeling. I know all of you know how that is. Feeling sorry for yourself is a horrid feeling. I'd rank it in the top five worse emotions ever.
Anyways, I don't know. I'm hoping my trip home for a couple of weeks will be beneficial to me, but I'm skeptical. I want a girlfriend, but I don't, y'know? It's hard to explain. I want to have that elation I had with Nicole, but then I think of what happened later and it's just... *shudder* Ew, no. I don't ever want to feel like that again.
We'll see, I guess. For now I'll just close myself off from any type of relationship and just enjoy having relations with a very smexy young woman. I need female friends, I think. I mean, in real life, that is. I don't have any around here. All the ones back home moved elsewhere. I'm hoping my friend, Karen, from back home will be able to help me out a bit and hang out. I really do miss all my friends from back home. I haven't had female companionship in a very long time and it's showing. I've become even more rude than normal. Now, my online personality was quite different than my real life personality before I joined the Army, but now I've started to become that person entirely. While that's not a necessarily bad thing (hell it's actually a good thing I think), it just doesn't feel... right? No, it does or I wouldn't be it. I dunno, I feel like I'm more of an asshole now than I should be and that doesn't set right with me. Hmm... I'll think on that.