(no subject)
i've been feeling pretty bad.
i've never thought about death so much in my life. DON'T WORRY. even after recent events, and all of this pondering death i still do not believe in suicide.
so no need to fear. all 1.73 of you.
something happened recently. something so fucked up i don't know how to talk about it. nor do i ever think i'll be able to completely/openly talk about it. even though a part of me does want to...
i was in a situation where i couldn't even stand upright/walk by myself. i had to be carried to a vehicle. i was passed out/uncontrollably vomiting.
something happened.
someone else, we'll say TOM, was doing something out of the norm to say the least. this person was witnessed by Ash (my significant other) doing something out of the norm... or even deviant one might say. he was pleasuring himself. Ash didn't say anything out of fear TOM's significant other would freak out, and she hoped that it would just pass.
then a few minutes went by.
TOM who was pleasuring himself, was in a much better state than myself... he having been one of the people that helped carry me to the vehicle.
TOM's significant other then saw something else that was out of the norm, or even deviant... but unfortunately was unaware of what Ash had seen TOM doing a few minutes before.
i lean against the door. covered in vomit. not knowing what is going on. unable to move.
when i got home Ash couldn't get me out of the car. i lay there for two hours.
inside, ash undresses me and cleans me up due to the fact that i was so out of it, i couldn't take care of myself/take off my own clothes. ash asks me whether or not i saw something strange. i told her that i couldn't remember anything.
i sleep.
a few days go by.
a phone call.
TOM was on the phone saying basically "you did something. she (TOM's significant other) looked back and saw you doing something. you had a blank stare on your face. we can still be friends. she said. she said. but YOU did something"
disbelief.
well what do you say? what do you remember? how is that possible with the state i was in? blank stare? i did something? how exactly? how did I do something if i was passed out in a puddle of vomit. blank stare? really? i wonder why?
did someone help me do this "something" just as someone helped me get into the vehicle?
all questions that make a lot of sense to me. what do, the 1.73 readers think? are these questions worth asking?
how can someone, who was so out of it, who couldn't willingly walk to a car... then put himself in a position to do "something"... willingly. i don't think it is possible.
and i promise if there was an ounce of me that believed that i could have done this "something" i would say it. i keep very few secrets. it might actually only be a couple... i keep a couple of secrets.
i'm man enough to come forward and fess up.
i've searched every nook and fucking cranny of my brain, looking for the answer. looking for the slightest hint of whether or not i could have done "something" willingly. the answer. the only answer i come up with is -no-.
denial does not play a role here. there is nothing to deny.
how could someone in my frame of mind/level of drunkenness do something like that? especially what would have had to happen to get that point when i couldn't even walk/talk/undress myself? it isn't fucking possible.
who has had a history of drunken, pseudo-masculine, nearly-date rape debauchery? me? no. no history what-so-ever. none. how about TOM? oh... only five years worth. AND IF TOM EVER READS THIS, YOU CAN'T DENY IT! YOU'RE PROUD OF IT. YOU'VE ALWAYS TALKED OF THE DRUNKEN CHICKS YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES WOULD TAKE HOME FROM THE CLUB. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE THIS TIME. AND ONLY GOD OR ALLAH OR WHOFUCKINGEVER KNOWS WHAT YOU WILL DO IN THE FUTURE.
so to TOM i say FUCK YOU. you're a piece of shit. you know the truth. you know what you did. how convenient that you were "passed out" as your significant other turned around. i'm sure you were in ecstasy yes. a few minutes before you sure as hell weren't passed out.
fuck you. "friend".
the fact that you won't even listen to the other side... not even that, the fact that you disregard any other evidence points to you being a guilty fuck. why not listen to the other shit that was seen that night? you too afraid to face the facts? too afraid that everyone might find out who you really are? go fuck yourself. better yet. force another "friend" to do it for you. why not speak for yourself? because you can kinda remember what happened huh? you remember but you can't admit it huh? so, you'll just rely on your significant other's perspective... which of course is the half truth. she wasn't aware of what was going before... asshole.
you've already spun the story to suit your needs. if not, why not hear about the other shit that went down? it's funny how Ashley clearly remembers your significant other yelling "TOM! TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" but when you called TOM, you said she had yelled "JIMMY, JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" If Ashley would have heard someone yell my name, she would have stopped the fucking car. there are some plot-holes here TOM... some serious plot-holes.
i've listened to your side. and guess what, it doesn't add up. i've questioned every part of me, searching for the truth. i have the answer. i feel quite comfortable in knowing that i was a victim, not a perpetrator. have you given it this much thought? probably not. so, remain angry. but remember. you're not angry at me, you're angry at yourself. you're angry at yourself because you're a fucking mess. get help. get fucking help.
asshole.
i'll see you in hell.
i've never thought about death so much in my life. DON'T WORRY. even after recent events, and all of this pondering death i still do not believe in suicide.
so no need to fear. all 1.73 of you.
something happened recently. something so fucked up i don't know how to talk about it. nor do i ever think i'll be able to completely/openly talk about it. even though a part of me does want to...
i was in a situation where i couldn't even stand upright/walk by myself. i had to be carried to a vehicle. i was passed out/uncontrollably vomiting.
something happened.
someone else, we'll say TOM, was doing something out of the norm to say the least. this person was witnessed by Ash (my significant other) doing something out of the norm... or even deviant one might say. he was pleasuring himself. Ash didn't say anything out of fear TOM's significant other would freak out, and she hoped that it would just pass.
then a few minutes went by.
TOM who was pleasuring himself, was in a much better state than myself... he having been one of the people that helped carry me to the vehicle.
TOM's significant other then saw something else that was out of the norm, or even deviant... but unfortunately was unaware of what Ash had seen TOM doing a few minutes before.
i lean against the door. covered in vomit. not knowing what is going on. unable to move.
when i got home Ash couldn't get me out of the car. i lay there for two hours.
inside, ash undresses me and cleans me up due to the fact that i was so out of it, i couldn't take care of myself/take off my own clothes. ash asks me whether or not i saw something strange. i told her that i couldn't remember anything.
i sleep.
a few days go by.
a phone call.
TOM was on the phone saying basically "you did something. she (TOM's significant other) looked back and saw you doing something. you had a blank stare on your face. we can still be friends. she said. she said. but YOU did something"
disbelief.
well what do you say? what do you remember? how is that possible with the state i was in? blank stare? i did something? how exactly? how did I do something if i was passed out in a puddle of vomit. blank stare? really? i wonder why?
did someone help me do this "something" just as someone helped me get into the vehicle?
all questions that make a lot of sense to me. what do, the 1.73 readers think? are these questions worth asking?
how can someone, who was so out of it, who couldn't willingly walk to a car... then put himself in a position to do "something"... willingly. i don't think it is possible.
and i promise if there was an ounce of me that believed that i could have done this "something" i would say it. i keep very few secrets. it might actually only be a couple... i keep a couple of secrets.
i'm man enough to come forward and fess up.
i've searched every nook and fucking cranny of my brain, looking for the answer. looking for the slightest hint of whether or not i could have done "something" willingly. the answer. the only answer i come up with is -no-.
denial does not play a role here. there is nothing to deny.
how could someone in my frame of mind/level of drunkenness do something like that? especially what would have had to happen to get that point when i couldn't even walk/talk/undress myself? it isn't fucking possible.
who has had a history of drunken, pseudo-masculine, nearly-date rape debauchery? me? no. no history what-so-ever. none. how about TOM? oh... only five years worth. AND IF TOM EVER READS THIS, YOU CAN'T DENY IT! YOU'RE PROUD OF IT. YOU'VE ALWAYS TALKED OF THE DRUNKEN CHICKS YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES WOULD TAKE HOME FROM THE CLUB. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE THIS TIME. AND ONLY GOD OR ALLAH OR WHOFUCKINGEVER KNOWS WHAT YOU WILL DO IN THE FUTURE.
so to TOM i say FUCK YOU. you're a piece of shit. you know the truth. you know what you did. how convenient that you were "passed out" as your significant other turned around. i'm sure you were in ecstasy yes. a few minutes before you sure as hell weren't passed out.
fuck you. "friend".
the fact that you won't even listen to the other side... not even that, the fact that you disregard any other evidence points to you being a guilty fuck. why not listen to the other shit that was seen that night? you too afraid to face the facts? too afraid that everyone might find out who you really are? go fuck yourself. better yet. force another "friend" to do it for you. why not speak for yourself? because you can kinda remember what happened huh? you remember but you can't admit it huh? so, you'll just rely on your significant other's perspective... which of course is the half truth. she wasn't aware of what was going before... asshole.
you've already spun the story to suit your needs. if not, why not hear about the other shit that went down? it's funny how Ashley clearly remembers your significant other yelling "TOM! TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" but when you called TOM, you said she had yelled "JIMMY, JIMMY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" If Ashley would have heard someone yell my name, she would have stopped the fucking car. there are some plot-holes here TOM... some serious plot-holes.
i've listened to your side. and guess what, it doesn't add up. i've questioned every part of me, searching for the truth. i have the answer. i feel quite comfortable in knowing that i was a victim, not a perpetrator. have you given it this much thought? probably not. so, remain angry. but remember. you're not angry at me, you're angry at yourself. you're angry at yourself because you're a fucking mess. get help. get fucking help.
asshole.
i'll see you in hell.