~if I should leave this lonely world behind~|~your voice will still remember our melody~

[kaminotenshi]

Kami had always wondered what the world's end would look like. He never thought is would be anything like this. He stood on the porch of a house; perhaps it was his house... perhaps it wasn't. He found it hard to remember practical things like that as of late. Still, it did not matter whether or not the house was his; it was the only one left.

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[pinkspiderhide]

He sat where he had been sitting since he had returned from checking on Kami in the park. He had left the drummer there to dream, even though it pained him to leave. Cha was of the living and was powerless at the moment...Cha had seen him, he owed it to the blonde guitarist to watch over him. But then the butterfly on his shoulder had started to act agitated and his eyes widened. The tiny thing had all but laid dormant on his shoulder the entire time Kami had been asleep, only now it moved and bounced heading outside. He felt compelled to follow it. So he did. It wasn't long before he had traveled that long and winding path of white shadows back to the park to find the drummer awake and leaning against the tree.

His outfit was bright and cheerful as he now felt. The yellow of his Rocket Drive LEMONed jogging suit matched the loud and gaudy goggles. A bright smile on his lips as he wrapped his arms around the drummer.

Kami! You're awake...you are okay...I'm so relieved, I didn't want to leave you...but Cha..oh God..Kami, something terrible happened to Cha...

He trailed off, not wanting to bombard the drummer with too much, waiting till Kami asked before he would tell the long haired man about Cha.

But Kami was okay...he was awake, everything was fine now.

[kaminotenshi]

At first, the drummer was shocked to see the rather cheerful guitarist suddenly beside him, the bright colors of hide's outfit helping his headache along. It took him a long time to recognize his friend, and even then it was only matching a name with the face.

...I must be dead... he murmured, ...you died a year ago...

It seemed as if Kami had left some part of himself behind in his dream world, and that which he was robbed of was replaced by nothing more than confusion. Feeling a pleasant sort of tickle on his hand, a contrast to the sharp pain that had now faded to a dull ache that plagued him, Kami lifted his hand to eye level. hide's spider, the one that had been given to him, was moving in slow circles there. The sight caused the drummer to smile faintly and whisper.

...it's you again. I saw you right before I died...

[pinkspiderhide]

...I must be dead... he murmured, ...you died a year ago...

His eyes went wide behind the goggles at Kami's words.

Ne Kami...it's been longer then that...it's 2003...we've both been gone for a long time...don't you remember...you came back to take care of the rest of Mizer...of Camui-san...and I came back for my friends. We've been together since then...

He trailed off trying to see if his words were getting to the other man. As Kami looked down and spoke to the spider the wondered how in the world the little thing was allowed to travel back and forth with Kami when he himself was not. hide held out his hand and the purple butterfly belonging to Kami hovered over his hand moving out over to the spider landing next to it, fluttering it's wings gently as the spider crawled to it and about it.

[kaminotenshi]

...what are you talking about? he asked softly, voice filled with puzzlement as he observed the rather peculiar behavior of the spider and the butterfly. He did not realize the butterfly was his, only that is was the loveliest insect he had ever seen. Had so many years passed while Kami was trapped in what seemed to be another world trapped forever at dusk? Death had always been mysterious to him, but he had never dreamed it would be so confusing. It seemed only moments and yet an eternity ago when Mana had told him it was spring of 1999.

...together since then...?

[pinkspiderhide]

At first he had thought that Kami's statements were made out momentary confusion from his coming back from...well where ever it was that he went. But when the drummer didn't even seem to recognize his own butterfly a since of fear gripped him.

Well...we've only been together for a little over a month...I came back because Cha called to me...asking Gackt to ask you if you ever saw me...his and Yoshiki's want to have me back brought me back I guess...and Now Cha is...

He trailed off again, if Kami didn't even remember him, how would he know the names of Gackt's new bandmates since he left Mizer? Be expected to know about how everyone else is living now.

Iie...it's nothing...just don't worry about it...you are back...that's all that matters...ne?

He sighed dejectedly and moved to sit next to the other against the tree. His brows furrowed as he reached for a cigarette form the pack that he fished out of his pocket. Lighting up he took a harsh drag and exhaled. It was like breathing out grief. Kami didn't remember him... {bet he remembers Gackt} his mind snarled at him.

[kaminotenshi]

Indeed, Kami did remember Gackt... but the memories were hardly as fond as they had been before his dreams. To Kami, the vocalist and he had more or less broken up just then. Gackt and he had a rather trivial fight, Gackt had wanted to leave Mizer and when Kami tried to stop him, the drummer was accused of holding him back. Not wanting to lose the man he loved completely, Kami had held back his tongue when Gackt confronted Mana with the news and did not question his choice like the others did. Still, the damage was done and Gackt threw himself into his work, leaving Kami to his own solitude for two month's time. The drummer was angry, hurt, and alone, crying himself to sleep at night... feeling pains in his chest during work as he stared at the places Mizer's ex vocalist should have filled... Kami no longer remembered Gackt's words, words which were spoken to him after he died and sought out his love for the very first time. How Gackt never meant to leave him, only that they had parted on bad terms and the vocalist could not find the time or emotional strength to contact him in those first few chaotic months. Those words that filled Kami's hollow heart with a feeling of belonging that he had missed so much; words that made him vow to always be there for Gackt no matter the circumstance. That promise carried him through the years... through Gackt's lovers and heartbreaks, tears and laughter... through the trips to the hospital and lapses in judgement... through moments in time silly and solemn alike... no matter how trying his supportive role became, those words saw Kami through to the end.

...and now those words were forgotten.

Hearing the change in hide's voice and watching the guitarist move away, Kami drew his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. While he hardly understood any of hide's references, the drummer caught the name 'Gackt' and his overall mood darkened.

...so he's still alive... they all are, aren't they... only I died... Kami murmured, looking toward the exit of the park. ...Cha... the person who asked... should know better. Gaku doesn't want to see me.

[pinkspiderhide]

Well Camui-san certianly has his hands full at the moment, that's for sure...but I wouldn't go as far as to say he wouldn't want to see you.

The thought had been spoken nonchalantly, he knew that Kami had been hiding from Gackt as of late, it was part of the reason that they were together so much, or atleast that's what he had been telling himself. But then after a moment's thinking and looking at Kami...he realized that it wasn't just him that he'd forgotten. It was everything after he had died...it meant he didn't remember the years he'd spent looking after the vocalist and he felt bad. All those memories lost...but at the same time...if Kami didn't remember such things...he wouldn't be so attached to Gackt.

He tried to rid his mind of the selfish thought. Could he really abuse his friend's state of mind, his memory loss and turn it to his own gain. The thought ate at him for a few minutes, glancing out of his eyes at the drummer. {He looks so lost, waiting for someone to find him.} hide wanted it to be him that found Kami. He ached for companionship again, someone to cling to. Everyone else had someone else, why should he be alone? Why should Kami be alone with only dreams of someone that hurt him to live with.

He stilled his nerves and knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this would come back and bite him in the ass...but damnit, it would be nice while it lasted. Throwing away the cig he turned and gathered Kami up into his arms and drew him in close, pulling off the goggles he set them ontop of his hand. Giving the drummer an absolutely pathetic, hurt look he searched Kami's eyes as if he was trying to find recognition in them, before he placed his lips against the drummer's in a firm kiss. Fingers running through long tresses. Pulling back after a long moment he allowed his own eyes to flutter open his lips brushing against Kami's as he spoke softly

Have you even forgotten that....and all the other times we've held each other?

[kaminotenshi]

hide certainly knew how to play his cards, that much was certain. The mournful note in his gaze almost effortlessly ensnared the helpless drummer; it was a look he had so often given Gackt in the vocalist's last days with the band, to Kami it plainly read 'don't you remember loving me?' That was why when the kiss came, he was neither startled or appalled and did not pull away. Instead, he held it and asked himself whether or not it felt right... and it did. After that, everything made themselves known to Kami, showing him that each of them also felt right. The the shape of the guitarist's lips against his, the arms around him felt right, the fingers trailing through his hair felt right... The lost, love starved, and somewhat naive butterfly was almost instantly caught in the spider's web of lies.

...I'm sorry... he whimpered, tense body relaxing against hide's, ...I wish I remembered... but... I don't...

[pinkspiderhide]

Pink spiders eat purple butterflies, you know, Kami-chan...
...come and get me.

The memory of those words only fueled him as he continued to place passionate kisses against the soft skin. Hearing Kami's words he placed a finger over the other's lips and shook his head slightly, giving Kami a small smile.

Don't be sorry...you don't have to remember...we'll just start again ne? We're together now, that's what's important.

He spoke softly as he caressed the other's cheek dark eyes looking into the other pair. A part of him still screamed that this was wrong. But he'd always been good at squashing that voice, as he had done so many times before, even though he regreted the choices he made later, it never did seem to sway him from reckless actions.

I want to make you happy...it gets hard to watch them all go on about their lives, demo...the pain lessens when I'm with you. I want, have always wanted it to be the same for you. Onegai Kami...let me try...

[kaminotenshi]

At the words that, save for the fact they were blatant lies, would otherwise be kind, Kami smiled a grateful sort of smile and nodded. After all, to him it would be a crime to deny something that felt so right when he had little to no reason to. By his virtues, it was neither morally wrong or something to cause him guilt. On top of having broken up with Gackt, the two of them existed in different worlds now. hide... hide was the present and hide needed him. From how the guitarist spoke, it seemed as though the drummer had made the decision to take him up on his offer before. There was only one option for Kami as far as he saw or wanted to see for that matter.

...hai. Of course... he agreed without hesitation, leaning slightly toward the hand at his cheek, pleading for more of that addictive touch with his dark, stormy eyes. ...I want to ease your hurt, hide...

[pinkspiderhide]

He smiled even more when he felt Kami lean into the touch. Hugging Kami close he breathed out a sigh of relief. He wanted to do more, but his heart was ladened with the grief over his friend. He knew he shouldn't burden Kami with such things now. But he needed to talk about it to someone.

Pulling away from the drummer he fixed Kami with soft, sad eyes as he began to reaccount the entire sad story for the drummer.

From being with Yoshiki...then leaving him....his death...coming back to finding Kami (Throwing in choice editing here and there)...then moved to Cha...Cha and Yoshiki...the fight between Juka and Yoshiki...then accounting how it seemed that everything was righting itself again. Cha and Juka, Pata and Yoshiki...and how he himself had the drummer...and then he recounted the grisly details of Kami falling into his sleep and how concerned he had been, only leaving his side to attempt and fail at rescuing his friend from the filthy animals that had hurt him. He let the words sink in and he sat there after it was all over, his head lowered, a long sigh flowing from him.

He saw me...and I was so scared...because I thought he was going to die...and that's why he could see me. That I was there to take him away...I don't want him to be like us...and he's not woken up...I was by his side but then I was too worried about you and came back as soon as I could...Gomen ne, I left you, even though I know I promised I never would, and that I wouldn't let you go and let you fade...I did...I didn't keep my promise...Gomen ne.

He was asking honest forgiveness this time. He had left the drummer and had felt bad. Then felt bad for leaving Cha for Kami. Leaning forward he buried his face against the drummer's chest and just held him. It felt so good to be allowed to do such a thing and actually be able to FEEL the other person. Kami was as real as he was, they exsisted in the same place, he could feel the drummer's touch, smell his scent, taste his skin. He lost himself in the sensory overload that came with holding the other man.

[kaminotenshi]

Shhh... it's alright, hide... Kami comforted the guitarist, gently stroking his back, ...it must have been awful for you... I really... really wish I could have been there for you... I'm sorry too, hide...

Even though he had not been able to provide moral support for the man he had convinced himself he loved, Kami knew he could do so now. And so, much like he once did for Gackt, Kami made a vow to protect and support hide to the best of his ability. The drummer scarcely promised anything unless he were truly serious about it and he always put all of his heart into keeping them. That decided, the drummer allowed himself to enjoy having someone to hold for the first time in what seemed like forever.