to be or not to be
scared shitless about camp?
hmm...
Well, I just traveled to England/paris for 3 weeks. Just a vacation right?? I don't think so, alathough i'm not too sure. I think it put me in a different position on how I look at my life, and even though three weeks is such a short time, I'm feeling much different then I did when I left. Other factors play into that, what happened at home while I was gone, who I was talking to on the trip -people I haven't been able to talk to in so long- and being constantly surrounded by a different lifestyle. I missed home, but I didn't at all. I'm sad that I can't be with the people I love, I cna't be in Ann Arbor (which I have realised is my home now, more than any other place I've been or lived), I can't be with my best friend at home, or with my parents, or brother, but I also was happy in England, and I didn't think about home constantly. I'm ready to go away and do my own thing, you can't think of it as missing out on stuff, but as getting an opportunity of a lifetime. And I don't mean to go off and forget about the life I love here, by all means necessary I will be in contact and still let everyone know how important they are to me, but WOW! I get to go to Spain!! For a whole YEAR!!!
Of course, I have to admit, I was ok in Paris with the different language thing, but I am scared shitless to go to Spain and be surrounded by the language 24/7. I'm so unconfident in my Spanish, and whew, I'm scared.
But before I go to Spain, it's camp. I love camp, more than anything I've ever loved, but how can I seperate my feelings from camp while I had such strong feelings for that other thing. I've had an entire year to prepare for it, and now it's here. I think I'm ready, but you can't prepare for something that difficult, that intense (like a circus), that deep. SO in some ways I am not ready, at all, I have no idea what to expect. I just have to trust myself (which is not one of the smartes things to do), that I can get through it. and I hate to look at it like a chore, I just hope my love of the camp will come out once I get there. I remember at Christmas when I hit my lowest point, the moment I walked out of the van onto camp, I was so full of joy, I can't even describe it, I felt like I couldn't hold it in, I was BEAMING, like I would burst before I even got to the lake. That feeling is what I'm holding on to for support, for confidence. To be scared, I'm fucking shaking in my legs, or not to be scared, he can't take that away from me, I don't mind sharing it, I think that's even better, more like, I cna't let him influence me enough to ruin it, here's my chance, my opportunity to be me, and really be in a place I love and love being there.
Ready?
Set?
GO!
hmm...
Well, I just traveled to England/paris for 3 weeks. Just a vacation right?? I don't think so, alathough i'm not too sure. I think it put me in a different position on how I look at my life, and even though three weeks is such a short time, I'm feeling much different then I did when I left. Other factors play into that, what happened at home while I was gone, who I was talking to on the trip -people I haven't been able to talk to in so long- and being constantly surrounded by a different lifestyle. I missed home, but I didn't at all. I'm sad that I can't be with the people I love, I cna't be in Ann Arbor (which I have realised is my home now, more than any other place I've been or lived), I can't be with my best friend at home, or with my parents, or brother, but I also was happy in England, and I didn't think about home constantly. I'm ready to go away and do my own thing, you can't think of it as missing out on stuff, but as getting an opportunity of a lifetime. And I don't mean to go off and forget about the life I love here, by all means necessary I will be in contact and still let everyone know how important they are to me, but WOW! I get to go to Spain!! For a whole YEAR!!!
Of course, I have to admit, I was ok in Paris with the different language thing, but I am scared shitless to go to Spain and be surrounded by the language 24/7. I'm so unconfident in my Spanish, and whew, I'm scared.
But before I go to Spain, it's camp. I love camp, more than anything I've ever loved, but how can I seperate my feelings from camp while I had such strong feelings for that other thing. I've had an entire year to prepare for it, and now it's here. I think I'm ready, but you can't prepare for something that difficult, that intense (like a circus), that deep. SO in some ways I am not ready, at all, I have no idea what to expect. I just have to trust myself (which is not one of the smartes things to do), that I can get through it. and I hate to look at it like a chore, I just hope my love of the camp will come out once I get there. I remember at Christmas when I hit my lowest point, the moment I walked out of the van onto camp, I was so full of joy, I can't even describe it, I felt like I couldn't hold it in, I was BEAMING, like I would burst before I even got to the lake. That feeling is what I'm holding on to for support, for confidence. To be scared, I'm fucking shaking in my legs, or not to be scared, he can't take that away from me, I don't mind sharing it, I think that's even better, more like, I cna't let him influence me enough to ruin it, here's my chance, my opportunity to be me, and really be in a place I love and love being there.
Ready?
Set?
GO!