(no subject)
Well all I use this thing is for my useless bitching it seems. I remember the days when I posted stuff with the intent of others seeing it, when I go back and read that shit It makes me realize how immature I was back then and makes me wonder if in another four or five years if I’ll be doing the same thing. I honestly don’t know why I even let shit bother me either, any time I sit down and reflect I feel stupid for even caring when my future brother in Law’s Mother is currently in Palestine hoping that she or their house doesn’t get blown up by a missile. That shit is real. The fact that I tend to go after chicks that I don’t have a chance with, like Alaina, seems like a small time problem in comparison. No one can die on my end. And yet even though I admit this to myself I still can’t help but end some nights feeling extremely unfulfilled with my current life situation.
As much as I like Alaina I think I knew that nothing would ever happen between us, no matter how much we flirt when we hang out or over IM when she’s gone 4+ hours away at school. I should know that long distance doesn’t work but it’s still something I want. So much so that I fucked up a good thing I coulda had at the dorm with this chick Ashley but I chose to try to see if Alaina and I would go anywhere (which surprise, it didn’t) and grounded myself in the proverbially friend zone with Ashley whilst simultaneously hooking her up with my buddy Kerim, which is a trend in my life. So that bridge has been burned for nothing. And I even know what I’m doing wrong. I actually give pretty damn good relationship advice to people, and can really hone in on other peoples problems and yet can’t do the same for myself. Damn my life.
There’s also Katie, she seems really cool. Way more my type then Alaina anyway, very artsy and really really into music but I can’t puzzle her out. And I tend to be pretty damn good at reading people. I can’t tell if she’s into me or still dating Cullen who is a mutual friend and actually the reason I met her. God damn, my problem is clearly that I try at this shit way too hard and yet I know that but can’t stop. Maybe I need to for once in my life do what I always tell myself and just relax and let shit play out. For whatever reason I can’t force myself to do that, with anything.
It’s like the studio stuff, I have spent 3 plus years building a studio, it was really nice for a while but now I’m trying to make major label quality records because that’s what I’ve been working on with Ziggy and after spending 12000 dollars this year I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t actually do that with my current situation without spending more money just due to the lack of isolation in my house and having to deal with my mom so I’ve decided to forfeit my room at the house and tear down the walls that I spent a decent amount of money and time on and sell off most of my equipment. Buy some fancy stuff with what’s left to add to the few nice things I currently own and move into a local commercial facility.
Well it was nice bitching incoherently for a while again. I need to talk to real people soon. Too bad instead of having a nice conversation with Phoebe and Eddie at Denny’s as per usual Eddie, Q-Tip and I took care of a very very drunk Phoebe. It’s weird because I really want to explain to her how I feel about the Alaina deal despite her being Alaina’s best friend because I know she won’t say anything to her and will sincerely listen to me.
Fuck Life man. At the same time I try to be optimistic but really I think I just try to appear optimistic. I like the fact that my suite mate says I'm just a happy guy even after getting caught smoking the reefer in my dorm I couldn't be upset about it. Oh well.
As much as I like Alaina I think I knew that nothing would ever happen between us, no matter how much we flirt when we hang out or over IM when she’s gone 4+ hours away at school. I should know that long distance doesn’t work but it’s still something I want. So much so that I fucked up a good thing I coulda had at the dorm with this chick Ashley but I chose to try to see if Alaina and I would go anywhere (which surprise, it didn’t) and grounded myself in the proverbially friend zone with Ashley whilst simultaneously hooking her up with my buddy Kerim, which is a trend in my life. So that bridge has been burned for nothing. And I even know what I’m doing wrong. I actually give pretty damn good relationship advice to people, and can really hone in on other peoples problems and yet can’t do the same for myself. Damn my life.
There’s also Katie, she seems really cool. Way more my type then Alaina anyway, very artsy and really really into music but I can’t puzzle her out. And I tend to be pretty damn good at reading people. I can’t tell if she’s into me or still dating Cullen who is a mutual friend and actually the reason I met her. God damn, my problem is clearly that I try at this shit way too hard and yet I know that but can’t stop. Maybe I need to for once in my life do what I always tell myself and just relax and let shit play out. For whatever reason I can’t force myself to do that, with anything.
It’s like the studio stuff, I have spent 3 plus years building a studio, it was really nice for a while but now I’m trying to make major label quality records because that’s what I’ve been working on with Ziggy and after spending 12000 dollars this year I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t actually do that with my current situation without spending more money just due to the lack of isolation in my house and having to deal with my mom so I’ve decided to forfeit my room at the house and tear down the walls that I spent a decent amount of money and time on and sell off most of my equipment. Buy some fancy stuff with what’s left to add to the few nice things I currently own and move into a local commercial facility.
Well it was nice bitching incoherently for a while again. I need to talk to real people soon. Too bad instead of having a nice conversation with Phoebe and Eddie at Denny’s as per usual Eddie, Q-Tip and I took care of a very very drunk Phoebe. It’s weird because I really want to explain to her how I feel about the Alaina deal despite her being Alaina’s best friend because I know she won’t say anything to her and will sincerely listen to me.
Fuck Life man. At the same time I try to be optimistic but really I think I just try to appear optimistic. I like the fact that my suite mate says I'm just a happy guy even after getting caught smoking the reefer in my dorm I couldn't be upset about it. Oh well.