REVIEW: True Blood (Season 1) - First Impressions [Eps. 1-3]
I have to admit, I've been a ginormous (it's a word!!) fan of THE SOUTHERN VAMPIRE SERIES by Charlaine Harris for years now. It's one of the few permanent fixtures on my pre-order list at Amazon.com.
So I was tickled purple (purple's the new pink, dotcha know! :-P) when I found out HBO was going to make a show based on it. I mean, Eric Northman in the flesh?!?! OMGOMGOMG! Talk about BATSHIT SQUEE! LOL (That's me whenever I read a scene with Sookie and Eric in it! Eric being the the Viking vampy equivalent of sex-on-a-stick LOL)
Anyway, I really like the show so far. I've even been lucky enough to see the original pilot episode with Brook Kerr as Spookie's BFF Tara (as opposed to Rutina Wesley, who's playing Tara now). My thoughts on the show and the change in actresses follow. Enjoy!
Title: True BloodTV Rating: TV-MANetwork: HBOGenre: Drama
Synopsis: Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), a telepathic barmaid from the small town of Bon Temps, Lousiana, falls in love with a vampire named Bill (Stephen Moyer) and is pulled into a dangerous world of supernatural intrigue that just may cost her her soul.
Rating:
(4 out of 5 Paws)
**SPOILER ALERT: Spoilers ahead! Proceed at your own risk, biatches!
PURRS!
(What works for me.)
The viral marketing compaign involving TruBeverage.com and BloodCopy.com - Ingenius and very entertaining! I dunno which PR company thought these two sites up but it was definitely worth the price of admission! Erm, especially since both sites are FREE to browse. LOL No, seriously they're free. Check 'em out yourself!
Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse - The purrfect fit for Sookie, even if she is a wee bit too spastic, er...energetic at times. *coughs* I mean sure, Sookie is suppose to be batshit crazy, um... a speshul snowflake odd due to her "disability" but sometimes Anna plays her like a hopped-up jack-in-the-box on speed.
Speaking of which, is it just me or is Anna's acting ability devolving as the show progresses? Dial it down a bit, Anna! There's acting and then there's The "How-To Audition For A Fox Reality Show" School of Acting. Learn the difference.
Oh, and while you're at it? GET YER GOD D*MNED TEETH FIXED ALREADY! I don't care what your mama told you, that gap is not cute anymore--it's just plain distracting!
Sam Tramell as Sam Merlotte - Sam is Sookie's boss and the owner of Merlotte's--the best darn tootin' bar in Bon Temps! Yee-haw! Sorry, couldn't resist. *Smirk* Sam also has the ability to make me go weak in the knees and contemplate the ancient art of swooning whenever he appears on the screen and bats those purty melt-on-you-like-chocolate eyes of his.
Unfortunately, Sam is in love with Sookie so I'm going to have to tie him down in his trailer (conveniently situated behind Merlotte's) and learn him a thing or two about luuurve using my sassy Italian charms. That's if he doesn't turn into a collie halfway through my attack onslaught seduction and need to go walkies :-/ There's nothing worse than interrupting sexay times in order to take yer man outside to pee.
Yeah, that's right! Sam's a shapeshifter! There are "shifters" and there are "weres" in Sookie's world too. (Psst! She hasn't found that out yet, but she will very soon so it's not really a spoiler.) Shifters are basically any Were that shifts into something other than a wolf. Sam, however, is a super speshul kind of shifter that can take on any shape he wants. (Which has infinite possibilities in regards to the bedroom, if you know what I mean... Whaaat? You know you weren't thinking it too! :-P)
The one really interesting difference between the Sam in the novels and the Sam on your TV screen is that Sookie can hear his thoughts clearly. In the series, Sookie has a harder time reading shifters and weres due to their genetic make-up. She often describes it as trying to tune into a radio station through static. Because of this, Sookie doesn't find out Sam has the hots for her until after she starts dating Bill and Sam admits he's jealous.
I dunno how they're planning on addressing this issue in the TV show but I really don't care as long as we get to see lots of Sam for the rest of the season. Preferably naked and in bed at least ONE episode so I can practice fanning myself and swooning on a daily basis. *SiZzle*
Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse - "Hunky/dopey, lovable manhoor seeks bored town sluts in the Bon Temps area for plenty of hot n' sweaty monkey lovin'. Good looks are optionable. (I just need your cooch!) Note: must bring your own porn tapes and manacles. Thanks! --Jason" LOL What else can I say? Ryan plays this role to PURRFECTION!! His ass does a good acting job too! teehee
Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette Reynolds - Arguably the most diverse and entertaining character on the show. Laffy Taffy is flamboyantly gay and proud of it. He's actually my favorite supporting character on True Blood right now. Nelsan is doing an incredible job. It's a shame he won't be around next season. :-(
Lorin McCraley as Count Clerkula - The clerk at Grabbit Quik that winds up pissing off Bubba Joe Vampire. The act this guy puts on to scare the two Tweedles (Dum and Dee) that come in looking for True Blood in the Pilot episode was classic! I actually felt shivers dance like sugar plum fairies up and down my spine when he was talking to them. (Then again, I was eating Taco Bell at the time...) Too bad it was just an act. Dude would've made a good vampire!
GRRS!
(What I'll need time to adjust to.)
Stephen Moyer as the vampire Bill Compton - Oh my, JT! This is bringing sexyback? Reeeaaally?? From where? 1861?!
Icky and greasy come to mind (so does transient bum--yeck!) but def-NOT-sexy! The producers aren't doing a good job of convincing me that Sookie would pick Mr. Tall, Dead, and Broody over nummy Sam Merlotte. (You know, the guy who's actually got a pulse...and needs the occasional walkies?)
The biggest draw Bill has with Sookie is the fact that she can't read his mind. Vampires don't have brainwaves due to their undead mojo so all they are is (*smirks*) dead air to her.
In the book series, Bill is suppose to be mysterious and desirable--an enigmatic 173 year old former Civil War soldier/Southern gentleman trying to fit into human society. Moyer's portrayal is none of these things. He's creepy, stalkerish, and predatory...Oh, my! And his grooming leaves even more to be desired...Yech! (Soap and water, por favor! Pronto!)
Call me Sookie crazy but, it's pretty bad when the leading man (um, vampire?) reminds me of the corroded, slimey hairball I pulled out of my bathroom sink last week with the plunger. Only, I think the hairball may have been cleaner... I'M JUS' SAAAYIN'!
However, I will admit that I actually liked when Bill said Sookie's name all Parseltongue and sh*t (i.e."Sssssuh-keee..." *Shivers*) as they're staring intensely into each other's eyes at Merlotte's. I never knew a name could come off sounding like a dirty word before but Steve manages to pull it off beautifully. Now if we could just convince the producers to let the poor man/vampire bathe...
P.S. Where's Alex O'Loughlin when you need him? He would've made the purrfect Bill Compton! (I still can't believe they canceled Moonlight! *Le sigh*)
Rutina Wesley replacing Brook Kerr as Tara Thornton - Big, big, BIG MISTAKE!! I was lucky enough to see the original pilot episode where Brook Kerr (Whitney Russell on Passions--the screwiest soap opera to ever screw!) was cast to play Tara and I effin' LOVED it, man! I was more than a little disappointed when I sat down to watch the premiere on TV only to discover they recast Rutina Wesley in the role. I even Googled that sh*t and still can't find out why Brook was smited by the TV gods and usurped by generic-looking, dead-eyed Ruti. (Seriously, I never see an ounce of emotion in Ruru's eyes! It's eerie!)
Rutina just doesn't bring the sass like Brook did. Brook had me laughing hysterically in that scene where Tara confronts Barney's Mom (i.e. humungous fat lady in purple dress suit) at the Work Bench. Erm...I mean "Wal-mart-esque department store." *AHEM* Anyho, that scene made me fall in luuurve with Brook as Tara. I really wish they'd bring her back.
BTW, Tara is actually caucasian in Charlaine's series (not that it matters, just a nifty little piece of trivia really *shrugs) and not nearly as important a character as HBO is making her out to be. She and Sookie are old friends but they're not all BFF or anything. In fact, Tara is pretty unreliable. Sookie's actually a better friend to her than she is to Sookie. I'm curious how that's going to play out on-screen.
So far they've turned Tara into an angry, loudmouth [read: stereotypical caricature of a young, African American Southern female] who can't hold a job and has a huge crush on Sookie's brother Jason (a cute but otherwise dimwitted redneck with questionable breeding). The only consistency in Tara's characterization seems to be her torturous childhood thanks to alcoholic parents. Although, her mom is still alive and kickin--and smacking her daughter upside the head with bottles (What? It was a love tap!) on True Blood even though we're told both parents are DEAD AS A DOORNAIL (Ha!) in the novels.
Are the producers going to stick with Charlaine's original vision or are they going to pull a Paris & Nicole (Buffy and Willow?) on us and make Tara Sookie's Sidekick? Only time will tell!
The vampire fangs - Or should we just call them teef? No? How about knitting needles? Because that's what they look like. I swear, old folks in retirement homes pack scarier sh*t than this!
When Bubba Joe vampire decides "enuf iz enuf!" and goes all Billy Bob Sling Blade on the occupants of the Grabbit Quik (i.e. the darkity-Goth vampire wannabe behind the counter I call Count Clerkula and the two Tweedles) by unleashing his Needles O' Fury switchblade-style >snikt< RAAAAAGE!!...I just about peed my friggin' pants! I kid you not! Yes, I was laughing that hard! LULZ
My first thought was WTF is he gonna do? Acupuncture them to death?! (Hey, don't laugh! It's happened!) quickly followed by "I wonder which cheek the trigger mechanism's hidden in." (And yes, I did contemplate all four of them. Ha!)
The funny thing is, Clerkula looked waaayyy scarier than Bubba Joe Vampire when he was making like a vampire to fake out the Tweedle twins. I'm going with Clerkula on this one. Clerkula is now officially my b*tch. We laugh in the face of Bubba Joe Vampire's knitting needles. Ha. Ha. Ha. HA! Right, Clerkula? Clerkula?!
*Realizing I'm all alone* Ruh-roh... Um. On second thought, maybe I'll just run on home now and take up needlepoint? :-/ EEP!
YEOWS!
(What makes me want to poke an eye out with a stick.)
The Opening Credits - Absolutely disgusting! Since when do I want to be subjected to pictures of roadkill, Klan children, and rotting fox corpses when I sit down to watch a TV show about VAMPIRES?! What were the producers thinking when they did this?!?!?!
The only saving grace (and I do mean O-N-L-Y!!) is the theme song "Bad Things" by Jace Everett. (Which you can listen to here without all the morbid lil' extras typically associated with homicidal maniacs and funeral directors.)
The scene where Maudette Pickens (Danielle Sapia) is getting fang-banged by a vampire: - If TMI were a visual, it'd be summed up by this scene and proceeded by the word "hillarible" (hilarious + horrible). Scary bad vampire porn doesn't even begin to cover it!
Put it this way, it's like The Exorcist hooked up with Chucky, did some crack, had sex, did a little more crack, had sex again, captured it all via webcam, then decided to post it on PornoTube for shits and giggles! Only Linda Blair has too much class to touch this sh*t with a ten foot pole! And she was possessed by an evil demon that caused her to rotate her head like a sprinkler and spew pea soup!
I actually had to close my eyes and look away the first time this scene played out. Even the second and third run through don't make it any better. Not even with a shot of tequila and a few lemon wedges to take the edge off with!
Oh, and Sookie's brother Jason busting a nut over it then going all BSDM and asphyxiating Maudette's haggard ass is far more than six degrees shy of Sexytown! In fact, it completely missed the exit to Sexytown, refused to ask for directions, circled the track at Podunk High for a couple hours, then finally blew out a tire deep in the heart of Creepyville, USA.
Jeepers, HBO! If I wanted to watch necro porn I'd hook with my ex-BF again! (Seriously. Mannequins show more enthusiasm than that man did. They make more noise too. Hell, I'd rather eff a mannequin! At least then I wouldn't have to fake it! LOL)
In closing: Jason naked and servicing the Bon Temps hos like a good lil' manhoor? Yes'suh! More, please! MOAR! Creepy vampire porn with BSDM asphixia angle that makes me think of really bad Sweeney Todd erotica and cringe whenever I get near a butcher shop or hear a jackhammer? NO THANK YOU!!
MEOWS
(What I'm looking forward to.)
OM NOM NOM NOM! *Licks fingers*
Alexander Skarsgård as the vampire Eric Northman - BATSHIT SQUEE!! *Does the Happy Kitty Dance* Next week, folks! NEXT WEEK!! :-D (Check out the promo! 1 x 04 "Escape From Dragon House"!!) Eric is the owner of Fangtasia, a vampire bar in Shreveport, Louisiana that caters to vampire groupies (a.k.a. "fang-bangers"--I just LOVE that word!); as well as Sheriff of Area 5 and Bill's superier.
His surname Northman (north + man) actually stems from the fact that he's a former Viking warrior, which makes him all the more delectable in IMHO (*sw00n*). It also makes him over 1000 years old and thus, very powerful. (Hey, Sookie! Kinda ironic when you can say your vampy boyfriend Bill is the baby of the bunch at 173, huh? LOL *wink*) So his job--literally!--is to be all ubervampire and reign in the natives whenever they get restless. Which tends to happen a LOT around Sookie... (Someone really needs to put a bell around that girl's neck... Or a shock collar. *Evil smile* Nah. I'd have wayyy too much fun with one of those. Muahaha!)
You know, I never thought it'd be possible to go all ga-ga over a character in a book before but I have fallen head-over-pretty-pink-toenails (What? I gave myself a pedicure today! Sheesh!) in love with this one! Forget Edward Cullen! Eric will take a bullet for you AND repave your driveway! (Fans of the series know exactly what I'm talking about here! teehee) The sexy interactions and snappy dialogue between he and Sookie are PRICELESS!! You know a character's hot when you keep wanting to shove the main heroine out of the way--and in front of the nearest bus--so you can take her place! LOL
Then again, I'd be happy if he just stood there looking all vampalicious and kept trying to seduce Sookie for the entire season. Meanwhile, Jason can be out in the back yard hosing down Bill and introducing him to a nifty little invention called flea dip. Heh.
Kristin Bauer as Pam - Pam is such a hoot! Fangtasia (and Eric) just wouldn't be the same without her! I can't wait to see what Kristin does with this role. Will she be able to pull off Pam's Soccer Mom style versas her Fangtasia Goth persona believably?
B-U-B-B-A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Anyone who's read the series knows who Bubba is! Heck, he's probably got the most recognizable face in the world! Yes, Bubba was famous before he was turned into a vampire. I won't say who he was because that would ruin the surprise for you but make sure you never call him by his real name in person--it really upsets him and then he might snack on your cat. (Bubba prefers cat blood to human blood. Yeah. He's not playing with a full deck of cards.)
You see, Bubba's a little addlepated en la cabeza due to all the drugs that were in his system the night he was turned. (The orderly attending him was a vampire and a big fan.) Which is why the vampires try to hide him from the public. Can you say "PR Nightmare" if humans ever found out the vamps effed up a National Treasure? Of course, Bubba manages to escape (or get "misplaced") from time-to-time and that's when you hear about those "sightings" that make his legend live on in the media.
Still DYING to find out who it is? OK, I'll give you a hint :-)
HIGHLIGHT THIS TEXT:
"Thank you! Thank you, very much!"
Now shhh! Don't tell anybody! *wink*
Raoul Trujillo as Longshadow - I can't say what will happen to Longshadow without giving too much away so I'll just raise one eyebrow and say, "bartending at Fangtasia should come with hazard pay."
Whoever's cast to play Claudette - Sookie's Fairy Godmother. This is going to be an interesting casting choice since Claudette is described as a a virtual brickhouse in high heels. As a fairy she's suppose to possess an otherworldly beauty that attracts everyone she sees. Watching the vamps spaz out around her because fairy blood is like chocolate cheesecake to vampires is gonna be all kinds of laughable squee.
Whoever's cast to play Sophie-Anne Leclerq - The infamous vampire queen of Louisiana. Sophie-Anne is very petite and supposedly died when she was just a teenager so hopefully the producers of the show will cast this role very carefully. Sophie-Anne is also over 1000 years old and extremely powerful. Her interactions with the King of Arkansas will be a very pivotal turning point in the story arc and have far reaching repercussions for poor Sookie. Can't wait!
FINAL VERDICT
(a.k.a. This is why I'm hot.)
If you're a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, then you'll LOVE this series!!! Just keep in mind that HBO is a paid cable channel and therefore a little more fancy free when it comes to grotesque imagery and sexual explicity, erm...explicitness. (Wait a minute...Is "explicity" even a word? DAMN YOU SPELLCHECK!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!)
Then again, seeing Stephen, Alexander, Sam, and any of Sookie's other potential beaus nekkid isn't necessarily a bad thing. ;-) At least not in MY book. (Oh, would you look at that? I made a cheesy pun! Mom will be so proud! *Sniff*)
Now where's my bottle of O Neg? All this typing has gots me all kinds of thirsty! *Cue the evil vampire laughter* Muahaha! *glugglug*
xoxo
Miss ♥ Mia
P.S. Yes, there's nothing better for them to do in Bon Temps than drink, kill each other, and have sex! It's an HBO thing. Anyone who's watched Rome will know this. Don't fight it, cher. Just site back, relax, and go along for the ride! :-)
So I was tickled purple (purple's the new pink, dotcha know! :-P) when I found out HBO was going to make a show based on it. I mean, Eric Northman in the flesh?!?! OMGOMGOMG! Talk about BATSHIT SQUEE! LOL (That's me whenever I read a scene with Sookie and Eric in it! Eric being the the Viking vampy equivalent of sex-on-a-stick LOL)
Anyway, I really like the show so far. I've even been lucky enough to see the original pilot episode with Brook Kerr as Spookie's BFF Tara (as opposed to Rutina Wesley, who's playing Tara now). My thoughts on the show and the change in actresses follow. Enjoy!
Title: True BloodTV Rating: TV-MANetwork: HBOGenre: Drama
Synopsis: Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), a telepathic barmaid from the small town of Bon Temps, Lousiana, falls in love with a vampire named Bill (Stephen Moyer) and is pulled into a dangerous world of supernatural intrigue that just may cost her her soul.
Rating:
(4 out of 5 Paws)
**SPOILER ALERT: Spoilers ahead! Proceed at your own risk, biatches!
PURRS!
(What works for me.)
The viral marketing compaign involving TruBeverage.com and BloodCopy.com - Ingenius and very entertaining! I dunno which PR company thought these two sites up but it was definitely worth the price of admission! Erm, especially since both sites are FREE to browse. LOL No, seriously they're free. Check 'em out yourself!
Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse - The purrfect fit for Sookie, even if she is a wee bit too spastic, er...energetic at times. *coughs* I mean sure, Sookie is suppose to be batshit crazy, um... a speshul snowflake odd due to her "disability" but sometimes Anna plays her like a hopped-up jack-in-the-box on speed.
Speaking of which, is it just me or is Anna's acting ability devolving as the show progresses? Dial it down a bit, Anna! There's acting and then there's The "How-To Audition For A Fox Reality Show" School of Acting. Learn the difference.
Oh, and while you're at it? GET YER GOD D*MNED TEETH FIXED ALREADY! I don't care what your mama told you, that gap is not cute anymore--it's just plain distracting!
Sam Tramell as Sam Merlotte - Sam is Sookie's boss and the owner of Merlotte's--the best darn tootin' bar in Bon Temps! Yee-haw! Sorry, couldn't resist. *Smirk* Sam also has the ability to make me go weak in the knees and contemplate the ancient art of swooning whenever he appears on the screen and bats those purty melt-on-you-like-chocolate eyes of his.
Unfortunately, Sam is in love with Sookie so I'm going to have to tie him down in his trailer (conveniently situated behind Merlotte's) and learn him a thing or two about luuurve using my sassy Italian charms. That's if he doesn't turn into a collie halfway through my attack onslaught seduction and need to go walkies :-/ There's nothing worse than interrupting sexay times in order to take yer man outside to pee.
Yeah, that's right! Sam's a shapeshifter! There are "shifters" and there are "weres" in Sookie's world too. (Psst! She hasn't found that out yet, but she will very soon so it's not really a spoiler.) Shifters are basically any Were that shifts into something other than a wolf. Sam, however, is a super speshul kind of shifter that can take on any shape he wants. (Which has infinite possibilities in regards to the bedroom, if you know what I mean... Whaaat? You know you weren't thinking it too! :-P)
The one really interesting difference between the Sam in the novels and the Sam on your TV screen is that Sookie can hear his thoughts clearly. In the series, Sookie has a harder time reading shifters and weres due to their genetic make-up. She often describes it as trying to tune into a radio station through static. Because of this, Sookie doesn't find out Sam has the hots for her until after she starts dating Bill and Sam admits he's jealous.
I dunno how they're planning on addressing this issue in the TV show but I really don't care as long as we get to see lots of Sam for the rest of the season. Preferably naked and in bed at least ONE episode so I can practice fanning myself and swooning on a daily basis. *SiZzle*
Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse - "Hunky/dopey, lovable manhoor seeks bored town sluts in the Bon Temps area for plenty of hot n' sweaty monkey lovin'. Good looks are optionable. (I just need your cooch!) Note: must bring your own porn tapes and manacles. Thanks! --Jason" LOL What else can I say? Ryan plays this role to PURRFECTION!! His ass does a good acting job too! teehee
Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette Reynolds - Arguably the most diverse and entertaining character on the show. Laffy Taffy is flamboyantly gay and proud of it. He's actually my favorite supporting character on True Blood right now. Nelsan is doing an incredible job. It's a shame he won't be around next season. :-(
Lorin McCraley as Count Clerkula - The clerk at Grabbit Quik that winds up pissing off Bubba Joe Vampire. The act this guy puts on to scare the two Tweedles (Dum and Dee) that come in looking for True Blood in the Pilot episode was classic! I actually felt shivers dance like sugar plum fairies up and down my spine when he was talking to them. (Then again, I was eating Taco Bell at the time...) Too bad it was just an act. Dude would've made a good vampire!
GRRS!
(What I'll need time to adjust to.)
Stephen Moyer as the vampire Bill Compton - Oh my, JT! This is bringing sexyback? Reeeaaally?? From where? 1861?!
Icky and greasy come to mind (so does transient bum--yeck!) but def-NOT-sexy! The producers aren't doing a good job of convincing me that Sookie would pick Mr. Tall, Dead, and Broody over nummy Sam Merlotte. (You know, the guy who's actually got a pulse...and needs the occasional walkies?)
The biggest draw Bill has with Sookie is the fact that she can't read his mind. Vampires don't have brainwaves due to their undead mojo so all they are is (*smirks*) dead air to her.
In the book series, Bill is suppose to be mysterious and desirable--an enigmatic 173 year old former Civil War soldier/Southern gentleman trying to fit into human society. Moyer's portrayal is none of these things. He's creepy, stalkerish, and predatory...Oh, my! And his grooming leaves even more to be desired...Yech! (Soap and water, por favor! Pronto!)
Call me Sookie crazy but, it's pretty bad when the leading man (um, vampire?) reminds me of the corroded, slimey hairball I pulled out of my bathroom sink last week with the plunger. Only, I think the hairball may have been cleaner... I'M JUS' SAAAYIN'!
However, I will admit that I actually liked when Bill said Sookie's name all Parseltongue and sh*t (i.e."Sssssuh-keee..." *Shivers*) as they're staring intensely into each other's eyes at Merlotte's. I never knew a name could come off sounding like a dirty word before but Steve manages to pull it off beautifully. Now if we could just convince the producers to let the poor man/vampire bathe...
P.S. Where's Alex O'Loughlin when you need him? He would've made the purrfect Bill Compton! (I still can't believe they canceled Moonlight! *Le sigh*)
Rutina Wesley replacing Brook Kerr as Tara Thornton - Big, big, BIG MISTAKE!! I was lucky enough to see the original pilot episode where Brook Kerr (Whitney Russell on Passions--the screwiest soap opera to ever screw!) was cast to play Tara and I effin' LOVED it, man! I was more than a little disappointed when I sat down to watch the premiere on TV only to discover they recast Rutina Wesley in the role. I even Googled that sh*t and still can't find out why Brook was smited by the TV gods and usurped by generic-looking, dead-eyed Ruti. (Seriously, I never see an ounce of emotion in Ruru's eyes! It's eerie!)
Rutina just doesn't bring the sass like Brook did. Brook had me laughing hysterically in that scene where Tara confronts Barney's Mom (i.e. humungous fat lady in purple dress suit) at the Work Bench. Erm...I mean "Wal-mart-esque department store." *AHEM* Anyho, that scene made me fall in luuurve with Brook as Tara. I really wish they'd bring her back.
BTW, Tara is actually caucasian in Charlaine's series (not that it matters, just a nifty little piece of trivia really *shrugs) and not nearly as important a character as HBO is making her out to be. She and Sookie are old friends but they're not all BFF or anything. In fact, Tara is pretty unreliable. Sookie's actually a better friend to her than she is to Sookie. I'm curious how that's going to play out on-screen.
So far they've turned Tara into an angry, loudmouth [read: stereotypical caricature of a young, African American Southern female] who can't hold a job and has a huge crush on Sookie's brother Jason (a cute but otherwise dimwitted redneck with questionable breeding). The only consistency in Tara's characterization seems to be her torturous childhood thanks to alcoholic parents. Although, her mom is still alive and kickin--and smacking her daughter upside the head with bottles (What? It was a love tap!) on True Blood even though we're told both parents are DEAD AS A DOORNAIL (Ha!) in the novels.
Are the producers going to stick with Charlaine's original vision or are they going to pull a Paris & Nicole (Buffy and Willow?) on us and make Tara Sookie's Sidekick? Only time will tell!
The vampire fangs - Or should we just call them teef? No? How about knitting needles? Because that's what they look like. I swear, old folks in retirement homes pack scarier sh*t than this!
When Bubba Joe vampire decides "enuf iz enuf!" and goes all Billy Bob Sling Blade on the occupants of the Grabbit Quik (i.e. the darkity-Goth vampire wannabe behind the counter I call Count Clerkula and the two Tweedles) by unleashing his Needles O' Fury switchblade-style >snikt< RAAAAAGE!!...I just about peed my friggin' pants! I kid you not! Yes, I was laughing that hard! LULZ
My first thought was WTF is he gonna do? Acupuncture them to death?! (Hey, don't laugh! It's happened!) quickly followed by "I wonder which cheek the trigger mechanism's hidden in." (And yes, I did contemplate all four of them. Ha!)
The funny thing is, Clerkula looked waaayyy scarier than Bubba Joe Vampire when he was making like a vampire to fake out the Tweedle twins. I'm going with Clerkula on this one. Clerkula is now officially my b*tch. We laugh in the face of Bubba Joe Vampire's knitting needles. Ha. Ha. Ha. HA! Right, Clerkula? Clerkula?!
*Realizing I'm all alone* Ruh-roh... Um. On second thought, maybe I'll just run on home now and take up needlepoint? :-/ EEP!
YEOWS!
(What makes me want to poke an eye out with a stick.)
The Opening Credits - Absolutely disgusting! Since when do I want to be subjected to pictures of roadkill, Klan children, and rotting fox corpses when I sit down to watch a TV show about VAMPIRES?! What were the producers thinking when they did this?!?!?!
The only saving grace (and I do mean O-N-L-Y!!) is the theme song "Bad Things" by Jace Everett. (Which you can listen to here without all the morbid lil' extras typically associated with homicidal maniacs and funeral directors.)
The scene where Maudette Pickens (Danielle Sapia) is getting fang-banged by a vampire: - If TMI were a visual, it'd be summed up by this scene and proceeded by the word "hillarible" (hilarious + horrible). Scary bad vampire porn doesn't even begin to cover it!
Put it this way, it's like The Exorcist hooked up with Chucky, did some crack, had sex, did a little more crack, had sex again, captured it all via webcam, then decided to post it on PornoTube for shits and giggles! Only Linda Blair has too much class to touch this sh*t with a ten foot pole! And she was possessed by an evil demon that caused her to rotate her head like a sprinkler and spew pea soup!
I actually had to close my eyes and look away the first time this scene played out. Even the second and third run through don't make it any better. Not even with a shot of tequila and a few lemon wedges to take the edge off with!
Oh, and Sookie's brother Jason busting a nut over it then going all BSDM and asphyxiating Maudette's haggard ass is far more than six degrees shy of Sexytown! In fact, it completely missed the exit to Sexytown, refused to ask for directions, circled the track at Podunk High for a couple hours, then finally blew out a tire deep in the heart of Creepyville, USA.
Jeepers, HBO! If I wanted to watch necro porn I'd hook with my ex-BF again! (Seriously. Mannequins show more enthusiasm than that man did. They make more noise too. Hell, I'd rather eff a mannequin! At least then I wouldn't have to fake it! LOL)
In closing: Jason naked and servicing the Bon Temps hos like a good lil' manhoor? Yes'suh! More, please! MOAR! Creepy vampire porn with BSDM asphixia angle that makes me think of really bad Sweeney Todd erotica and cringe whenever I get near a butcher shop or hear a jackhammer? NO THANK YOU!!
MEOWS
(What I'm looking forward to.)
OM NOM NOM NOM! *Licks fingers*
Alexander Skarsgård as the vampire Eric Northman - BATSHIT SQUEE!! *Does the Happy Kitty Dance* Next week, folks! NEXT WEEK!! :-D (Check out the promo! 1 x 04 "Escape From Dragon House"!!) Eric is the owner of Fangtasia, a vampire bar in Shreveport, Louisiana that caters to vampire groupies (a.k.a. "fang-bangers"--I just LOVE that word!); as well as Sheriff of Area 5 and Bill's superier.
His surname Northman (north + man) actually stems from the fact that he's a former Viking warrior, which makes him all the more delectable in IMHO (*sw00n*). It also makes him over 1000 years old and thus, very powerful. (Hey, Sookie! Kinda ironic when you can say your vampy boyfriend Bill is the baby of the bunch at 173, huh? LOL *wink*) So his job--literally!--is to be all ubervampire and reign in the natives whenever they get restless. Which tends to happen a LOT around Sookie... (Someone really needs to put a bell around that girl's neck... Or a shock collar. *Evil smile* Nah. I'd have wayyy too much fun with one of those. Muahaha!)
You know, I never thought it'd be possible to go all ga-ga over a character in a book before but I have fallen head-over-pretty-pink-toenails (What? I gave myself a pedicure today! Sheesh!) in love with this one! Forget Edward Cullen! Eric will take a bullet for you AND repave your driveway! (Fans of the series know exactly what I'm talking about here! teehee) The sexy interactions and snappy dialogue between he and Sookie are PRICELESS!! You know a character's hot when you keep wanting to shove the main heroine out of the way--and in front of the nearest bus--so you can take her place! LOL
Then again, I'd be happy if he just stood there looking all vampalicious and kept trying to seduce Sookie for the entire season. Meanwhile, Jason can be out in the back yard hosing down Bill and introducing him to a nifty little invention called flea dip. Heh.
Kristin Bauer as Pam - Pam is such a hoot! Fangtasia (and Eric) just wouldn't be the same without her! I can't wait to see what Kristin does with this role. Will she be able to pull off Pam's Soccer Mom style versas her Fangtasia Goth persona believably?
B-U-B-B-A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Anyone who's read the series knows who Bubba is! Heck, he's probably got the most recognizable face in the world! Yes, Bubba was famous before he was turned into a vampire. I won't say who he was because that would ruin the surprise for you but make sure you never call him by his real name in person--it really upsets him and then he might snack on your cat. (Bubba prefers cat blood to human blood. Yeah. He's not playing with a full deck of cards.)
You see, Bubba's a little addlepated en la cabeza due to all the drugs that were in his system the night he was turned. (The orderly attending him was a vampire and a big fan.) Which is why the vampires try to hide him from the public. Can you say "PR Nightmare" if humans ever found out the vamps effed up a National Treasure? Of course, Bubba manages to escape (or get "misplaced") from time-to-time and that's when you hear about those "sightings" that make his legend live on in the media.
Still DYING to find out who it is? OK, I'll give you a hint :-)
HIGHLIGHT THIS TEXT:
"Thank you! Thank you, very much!"
Now shhh! Don't tell anybody! *wink*
Raoul Trujillo as Longshadow - I can't say what will happen to Longshadow without giving too much away so I'll just raise one eyebrow and say, "bartending at Fangtasia should come with hazard pay."
Whoever's cast to play Claudette - Sookie's Fairy Godmother. This is going to be an interesting casting choice since Claudette is described as a a virtual brickhouse in high heels. As a fairy she's suppose to possess an otherworldly beauty that attracts everyone she sees. Watching the vamps spaz out around her because fairy blood is like chocolate cheesecake to vampires is gonna be all kinds of laughable squee.
Whoever's cast to play Sophie-Anne Leclerq - The infamous vampire queen of Louisiana. Sophie-Anne is very petite and supposedly died when she was just a teenager so hopefully the producers of the show will cast this role very carefully. Sophie-Anne is also over 1000 years old and extremely powerful. Her interactions with the King of Arkansas will be a very pivotal turning point in the story arc and have far reaching repercussions for poor Sookie. Can't wait!
FINAL VERDICT
(a.k.a. This is why I'm hot.)
If you're a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, then you'll LOVE this series!!! Just keep in mind that HBO is a paid cable channel and therefore a little more fancy free when it comes to grotesque imagery and sexual explicity, erm...explicitness. (Wait a minute...Is "explicity" even a word? DAMN YOU SPELLCHECK!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!)
Then again, seeing Stephen, Alexander, Sam, and any of Sookie's other potential beaus nekkid isn't necessarily a bad thing. ;-) At least not in MY book. (Oh, would you look at that? I made a cheesy pun! Mom will be so proud! *Sniff*)
Now where's my bottle of O Neg? All this typing has gots me all kinds of thirsty! *Cue the evil vampire laughter* Muahaha! *glugglug*
xoxo
Miss ♥ Mia
P.S. Yes, there's nothing better for them to do in Bon Temps than drink, kill each other, and have sex! It's an HBO thing. Anyone who's watched Rome will know this. Don't fight it, cher. Just site back, relax, and go along for the ride! :-)