TWILIGHT WANK: *Smirks* Stephenie Meyer's Jack's Mannequin Video
I finally got around to trolling Amazon.com's Breaking Dawn Forum again... (Yes, I've been out of the loop for a little while. I can only take Smeyer in small doses these days without wanting to slap a baby or kick a puppy.) And WUMP! I run face first into a link to Steph's Jack's Mannequin video that's supposed to bore bedazzle the hell out of us with its boring gripping Chicken of the Sea concept.
"Sparkling sparklecock!" I cried. "This I gotta see!"
So off I skipped all trah-la-lah to Steph's site for a little peeky-poo because one does not miss the chance to see the mermaid equivalent of sparkling vampires in Stephenie's mind if one can help it. Even if it means a lobotomy afterwards.
Plus, I just couldn't believe she'd really follow through with it. I kept expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out in front of Andrew in the video and yell "You've been PUNK'D!" at any minute. CORRECTION: I was hoping Ashton Kutcher would jump out in front of Andrew any minute. Alas, he didn't and thus I just wasted 3 precious minutes of my life on this sh*t.
BEHOLD!
**WARNING: MERMAIDS IN OCEAN ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! Or not. Yeah, not.
*Headdesk* Mermaids, Stephenie? Reeeeeally? MERMAIDS?!?!
What is with this woman?! First Bella gets the PERFECT Happy Ending with Sir Sparkles in a quaint little cottage in the woods with baby, family, no newborn symptoms, etc. all protected by her Shield Of Luuurve and now MERMAIDS?!?!?! Does Smeyer live in a Barbie Dream House or something? Ugh.
There is only one word to describe this supposed "video concept" of hers and that is--FAIL!! Quickly followed by peels of extreme laughter.
Here's the VIDEO IN A NUTSHELL (for those of you that actually want to use the 3 minutes it takes to watch it to do something more productive with your lives like hang-gliding or...sleeping):
Lots of shots of Andrew McMahon singing, 2-3 shots of something behind him that looks like it could possibly resemble a mermaid's tail but in reality is probably Noble Jones (the director) diving into the ocean to avoid being subjected to any more of Stephenie's ridiculous brilliant, agonizing groundbreaking childish fantasies "concepts".
I'm sorry but video footage of the Loch Ness Monster rollerskating through Times Square during rush hour wearing a tank top that says JAM would be more believable than that "tail"...
A couple shots of a seashell heart in the sand. Andrew near a truck. Andrew looking out over the sea. Finally we get to the mermaid, er...blue lady just beneath the surface of the water (flashes back to scenes from M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water) and then...the heart-shaped seashells in the friggin' sand rears its girlish head again. OMGWTF?!
Here let me show you a 100 year old virgin vampire that sparkles...POOF! *Tosses glitter in your face* THAT'S more exciting then this video.
Don't get me wrong here, I love Jack's Mannequin I really do. (Although Andrew's big teef scare the bejesus outta me sometimes. I thought you were never allowed to let a mogwai near water? *blinkblink*) It's just that--as I watch this--I can't help but wonder why Steph would be so damn proud of her involvement. I certainly wouldn't want to take credit for it. Not without my attorney present, at any rate. Preferably with a gag order in hand for the director.
Seriously... THIS is what she decided to do instead of trying to finish Midnight Sun for her fans? THIS?!?!?!
This is total CRAAAAAP! My five year old cousin could come up with a better video concept than this. It would most likely involve Dora the Explorer stomping through Lego Town Godzilla-style and taking out her brother's Transformers like popsicle sticks (Die, Megatron! Die! RAWR!!) but it'd still have more depth then this hot mess.
I mean how exactly did Steph contribute to this video? Did it go a little something like this...?
STEPHENIEHmm, okay yeah. So this is gonna be about a mermaid...
JONES (DIRECTOR)
Um, excuse me Ms. Meyer but don't you think that's a little, er...silly for a pop rock video? I mean most of JM's fans are out of elementary school.
STEPHENIE
*Shrieks* I SAID IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT A MERMAID, GOSH DARNIT!! MERMAID! M-E-R, um...MAID! GOT IT? NOW DO YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO USE MY NAME FOR THIS PROJECT OR NOT?!?!
*Jones nods slowly and backs up five paces*
STEPHENIEGood. Now where was I? Oh yeah! Mermaids! They're so pretty and graceful and mysterious, don'tcha think? *Claps hands gleefully*
JONESIf you're 13 years old...
STEPHENIEAnd they sparkle in sunlight!
JONESJust like your vampires.
STEPHENIEExactly! And everyone loves my vampires so mermaids it is!
JONESYou didn't have a lot of friends as a child, did you? That's when you dreamt up this whole sparkling vampire thing?
STEPHENIE*Nonplussed* I dreamt that when I was 30. I had a vision of the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen sparkling in a meadow... *Eyes glaze over*
JONES(Speechless) Well I guess that's alright for a young adult series...
STEPHENIE*Furious* IT ISN'T A YOUNG ADULT SERIES!! *crazy eyes* IT'S A SERIES ABOUT A 100 YEAR OLD VIRGIN VAMPIRE NAMED EDWARD THAT SPARKLES AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH MEEE!! *Twitchtwitch* I mean, erm... a human teenage girl named Bella. *Coughs* And she has this hot Teen Wolf Quileute dude named Jacob in love with her too. *Whispers* He can't compare to Edward though, he's too fun and fluffy; and he's got a pulse. Yuck! *Shivers*
JONESA pulse is bad?
STEPHENIEOf course it is, silly! A pulse means he's not a vampire, he's alive. We don't want Bella to stay alive and live a normal life, we want her to die, die, DIE so she can become beautiful and, and perfect, and finally be worthy enough for Edward. *Drooling excessively*
*Jones hands Meyer a hanky. Stephenie wipes her mouth then tries to hand hanky back to Jones, who graciously declines.*
STEPHENIE (CONT'D)Anyway... Of course, I had to have some reason to keep them apart otherwise I couldn't drag out the series and make more money soooo I had Bella act all Emo for three books and mislead my fans into thinking she would actually grow up and make a more responsible, informed choice when all along I was planning to have Edward knock her up with a mutant baby, offer to swap her with Teen Wolf so she could have puppies, eat her uterus, turn her into the perfect love shield, then live happily ever after together in a cottage in the woods. You see? Totally not young adult.
JONESI see... *Pregnant pause* (To Andrew) Did you actually read her books before you agreed to let her consult on this video?
ANDREWNah, man. My sister Katie recommended them.
JONESThat explains a lot. (To Stephenie) Back to the mermaid concept. Are you sure--?
STEPHENIEOh, definitely! Only we don't want people to know it's a mermaid at first see so we're gonna stick an erection tree trunk in the background in the ocean to kinda confuse them.
JONESA tree trunk. Just sticking up out of the ocean?
STEPHENIEYep! That's her tail.
ANDREWLooks more like Poseidon got an erection to me.
STEPHENIEShut up, asswipe! Nobody asked you! It's a perfectly good tail. You just have to use your imagination a bit. We're simply promoting using your imagination. *Smiles*
JONESShouldn't it be waving or something if it's a mermaid's tail? Fins are very fluid. And why would a mermaid swim upside down with her tail sticking out of the water like that anyway? Wouldn't she drown eventually?
STEPHENIENoble, this is fiction. We could have the mermaid flying around like a bird in the sky if we wanted to. It doesn't have to make sense. Trust me. I'm an expert. Now we start off with a window and a heart made out of seashells and starfish in the sand--
JONESWait a minute... A heart made out of seashells and starfish? What is this The Little Mermaid?
STEPHENIE*Squeals like a fangurl* OMG! That's like sooo the movie I'm basing this concept on! How'd you know?
JONES*Facepalm* This is gonna be a long shoot...
STEPHENIENow I want you to pan to Andrew's face. Again. Again. Again. Erection Mermaid's tail. Andrew's face. Again. Again. Wow, this is harder than I thought. What comes next? Oh, right. Tail. Face. Again.
JONESUm, Stephenie? Don't you think we should try to give Andrew something more interesting to do?
STEPHENIEWhat do you mean?
JONESI mean a plot. You know, like on ER?
STEPHENIEI don't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks you're talking about, mister. For God's sake, Jones, I'm a bestselling author of a Mary Sue-based vampire "saga" not a doctor.
*Jones crosses his arms and glares at her*
STEPHENIE (CONT'D)
Fine. Put Andrew at a piano. Ooh! That's EPIC! Can we add in some glitter?
JONESNo.
STEPHENIEWhat-ever. You sooooo don't understand my creative genius. Now where were we again? Oh yeah! Face. Tail. Again. Piano. Beach. Truck. Ocean. Get that seashell heart ready for another shot! Or maybe we should use a heart made out of seaweed? Yes, seaweed! That's EPIC! Whew! I need a break!
And the sad thing is that Seth, Stephenie's webmaster/brother, is actually enabling her with this shit!
From Steph's official site:
About a month ago we announced that Stephenie would be involved in the production of a music video. The video for the new single "The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin was Stephenie's concept, but she insists that the success of the video was largely due to Noble Jones' awesome directing.
*Coughs* Kiss ass! *Coughs again* THE DIRECTOR DID ALL OF THE WORK, YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The hardest decision Steph had to make in all this was was which color Hello Kitty glitter pen to doodle with while she sat in the corner twirling her hair and attempting to look Emo. SHEESH!
She was sooooooooooooooo depressed by the MS leak that she's making videos with mermaids and seashell hearts in them?? Riiight. Nice try, Smeyer, but I'm not buying it! Nor will I be buying anymore of your books in the foreseeable future.
xoxo
Miss ♥ Mia
"Sparkling sparklecock!" I cried. "This I gotta see!"
So off I skipped all trah-la-lah to Steph's site for a little peeky-poo because one does not miss the chance to see the mermaid equivalent of sparkling vampires in Stephenie's mind if one can help it. Even if it means a lobotomy afterwards.
Plus, I just couldn't believe she'd really follow through with it. I kept expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out in front of Andrew in the video and yell "You've been PUNK'D!" at any minute. CORRECTION: I was hoping Ashton Kutcher would jump out in front of Andrew any minute. Alas, he didn't and thus I just wasted 3 precious minutes of my life on this sh*t.
BEHOLD!
**WARNING: MERMAIDS IN OCEAN ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! Or not. Yeah, not.
*Headdesk* Mermaids, Stephenie? Reeeeeally? MERMAIDS?!?!
What is with this woman?! First Bella gets the PERFECT Happy Ending with Sir Sparkles in a quaint little cottage in the woods with baby, family, no newborn symptoms, etc. all protected by her Shield Of Luuurve and now MERMAIDS?!?!?! Does Smeyer live in a Barbie Dream House or something? Ugh.
There is only one word to describe this supposed "video concept" of hers and that is--FAIL!! Quickly followed by peels of extreme laughter.
Here's the VIDEO IN A NUTSHELL (for those of you that actually want to use the 3 minutes it takes to watch it to do something more productive with your lives like hang-gliding or...sleeping):
Lots of shots of Andrew McMahon singing, 2-3 shots of something behind him that looks like it could possibly resemble a mermaid's tail but in reality is probably Noble Jones (the director) diving into the ocean to avoid being subjected to any more of Stephenie's ridiculous brilliant, agonizing groundbreaking childish fantasies "concepts".
I'm sorry but video footage of the Loch Ness Monster rollerskating through Times Square during rush hour wearing a tank top that says JAM would be more believable than that "tail"...
A couple shots of a seashell heart in the sand. Andrew near a truck. Andrew looking out over the sea. Finally we get to the mermaid, er...blue lady just beneath the surface of the water (flashes back to scenes from M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water) and then...the heart-shaped seashells in the friggin' sand rears its girlish head again. OMGWTF?!
Here let me show you a 100 year old virgin vampire that sparkles...POOF! *Tosses glitter in your face* THAT'S more exciting then this video.
Don't get me wrong here, I love Jack's Mannequin I really do. (Although Andrew's big teef scare the bejesus outta me sometimes. I thought you were never allowed to let a mogwai near water? *blinkblink*) It's just that--as I watch this--I can't help but wonder why Steph would be so damn proud of her involvement. I certainly wouldn't want to take credit for it. Not without my attorney present, at any rate. Preferably with a gag order in hand for the director.
Seriously... THIS is what she decided to do instead of trying to finish Midnight Sun for her fans? THIS?!?!?!
This is total CRAAAAAP! My five year old cousin could come up with a better video concept than this. It would most likely involve Dora the Explorer stomping through Lego Town Godzilla-style and taking out her brother's Transformers like popsicle sticks (Die, Megatron! Die! RAWR!!) but it'd still have more depth then this hot mess.
I mean how exactly did Steph contribute to this video? Did it go a little something like this...?
STEPHENIEHmm, okay yeah. So this is gonna be about a mermaid...
JONES (DIRECTOR)
Um, excuse me Ms. Meyer but don't you think that's a little, er...silly for a pop rock video? I mean most of JM's fans are out of elementary school.
STEPHENIE
*Shrieks* I SAID IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT A MERMAID, GOSH DARNIT!! MERMAID! M-E-R, um...MAID! GOT IT? NOW DO YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO USE MY NAME FOR THIS PROJECT OR NOT?!?!
*Jones nods slowly and backs up five paces*
STEPHENIEGood. Now where was I? Oh yeah! Mermaids! They're so pretty and graceful and mysterious, don'tcha think? *Claps hands gleefully*
JONESIf you're 13 years old...
STEPHENIEAnd they sparkle in sunlight!
JONESJust like your vampires.
STEPHENIEExactly! And everyone loves my vampires so mermaids it is!
JONESYou didn't have a lot of friends as a child, did you? That's when you dreamt up this whole sparkling vampire thing?
STEPHENIE*Nonplussed* I dreamt that when I was 30. I had a vision of the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen sparkling in a meadow... *Eyes glaze over*
JONES(Speechless) Well I guess that's alright for a young adult series...
STEPHENIE*Furious* IT ISN'T A YOUNG ADULT SERIES!! *crazy eyes* IT'S A SERIES ABOUT A 100 YEAR OLD VIRGIN VAMPIRE NAMED EDWARD THAT SPARKLES AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH MEEE!! *Twitchtwitch* I mean, erm... a human teenage girl named Bella. *Coughs* And she has this hot Teen Wolf Quileute dude named Jacob in love with her too. *Whispers* He can't compare to Edward though, he's too fun and fluffy; and he's got a pulse. Yuck! *Shivers*
JONESA pulse is bad?
STEPHENIEOf course it is, silly! A pulse means he's not a vampire, he's alive. We don't want Bella to stay alive and live a normal life, we want her to die, die, DIE so she can become beautiful and, and perfect, and finally be worthy enough for Edward. *Drooling excessively*
*Jones hands Meyer a hanky. Stephenie wipes her mouth then tries to hand hanky back to Jones, who graciously declines.*
STEPHENIE (CONT'D)Anyway... Of course, I had to have some reason to keep them apart otherwise I couldn't drag out the series and make more money soooo I had Bella act all Emo for three books and mislead my fans into thinking she would actually grow up and make a more responsible, informed choice when all along I was planning to have Edward knock her up with a mutant baby, offer to swap her with Teen Wolf so she could have puppies, eat her uterus, turn her into the perfect love shield, then live happily ever after together in a cottage in the woods. You see? Totally not young adult.
JONESI see... *Pregnant pause* (To Andrew) Did you actually read her books before you agreed to let her consult on this video?
ANDREWNah, man. My sister Katie recommended them.
JONESThat explains a lot. (To Stephenie) Back to the mermaid concept. Are you sure--?
STEPHENIEOh, definitely! Only we don't want people to know it's a mermaid at first see so we're gonna stick an erection tree trunk in the background in the ocean to kinda confuse them.
JONESA tree trunk. Just sticking up out of the ocean?
STEPHENIEYep! That's her tail.
ANDREWLooks more like Poseidon got an erection to me.
STEPHENIEShut up, asswipe! Nobody asked you! It's a perfectly good tail. You just have to use your imagination a bit. We're simply promoting using your imagination. *Smiles*
JONESShouldn't it be waving or something if it's a mermaid's tail? Fins are very fluid. And why would a mermaid swim upside down with her tail sticking out of the water like that anyway? Wouldn't she drown eventually?
STEPHENIENoble, this is fiction. We could have the mermaid flying around like a bird in the sky if we wanted to. It doesn't have to make sense. Trust me. I'm an expert. Now we start off with a window and a heart made out of seashells and starfish in the sand--
JONESWait a minute... A heart made out of seashells and starfish? What is this The Little Mermaid?
STEPHENIE*Squeals like a fangurl* OMG! That's like sooo the movie I'm basing this concept on! How'd you know?
JONES*Facepalm* This is gonna be a long shoot...
STEPHENIENow I want you to pan to Andrew's face. Again. Again. Again. Erection Mermaid's tail. Andrew's face. Again. Again. Wow, this is harder than I thought. What comes next? Oh, right. Tail. Face. Again.
JONESUm, Stephenie? Don't you think we should try to give Andrew something more interesting to do?
STEPHENIEWhat do you mean?
JONESI mean a plot. You know, like on ER?
STEPHENIEI don't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks you're talking about, mister. For God's sake, Jones, I'm a bestselling author of a Mary Sue-based vampire "saga" not a doctor.
*Jones crosses his arms and glares at her*
STEPHENIE (CONT'D)
Fine. Put Andrew at a piano. Ooh! That's EPIC! Can we add in some glitter?
JONESNo.
STEPHENIEWhat-ever. You sooooo don't understand my creative genius. Now where were we again? Oh yeah! Face. Tail. Again. Piano. Beach. Truck. Ocean. Get that seashell heart ready for another shot! Or maybe we should use a heart made out of seaweed? Yes, seaweed! That's EPIC! Whew! I need a break!
And the sad thing is that Seth, Stephenie's webmaster/brother, is actually enabling her with this shit!
From Steph's official site:
About a month ago we announced that Stephenie would be involved in the production of a music video. The video for the new single "The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin was Stephenie's concept, but she insists that the success of the video was largely due to Noble Jones' awesome directing.
*Coughs* Kiss ass! *Coughs again* THE DIRECTOR DID ALL OF THE WORK, YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The hardest decision Steph had to make in all this was was which color Hello Kitty glitter pen to doodle with while she sat in the corner twirling her hair and attempting to look Emo. SHEESH!
She was sooooooooooooooo depressed by the MS leak that she's making videos with mermaids and seashell hearts in them?? Riiight. Nice try, Smeyer, but I'm not buying it! Nor will I be buying anymore of your books in the foreseeable future.
xoxo
Miss ♥ Mia