Murh
So I haven't been posting here for a while and honestly for the time being I don't think that I will be.
The new year hasn't gone well at all since it has started. I thought that the start of it was so terrible up until now. I've had very little hope for a while about this new year.
For one thing I had to go to California to see family that cares nothing about me. Aren't they paying for my school? Why yes they are. But not because they want to...It's because they can't say that their kids deserve it or want it...I'm 21 and the oldest young adult and I'm the only one who doesn't already have a kid. I don't know how many times while I was up there I was asked, "Oh where's your baby?"
I had a major break down while I was up there. Being around all these people who are treating me nice only to my face, but as soon as they thought that they were out of ear shot, I could hear them talking about how I was supposed to be the one who was the drug using, alcoholic, pregnant bimbo and about how they're disappointed that I'm not so that their kids could look better.
Next on the list was when I was hiding at a Border's Book Store snagging some WiFi. Some little punk runs into the table my laptop was on and knocks it over. Suddenly it didn't turn on. Parents walk up to me and say, "Here buy a new one," and then hand me $5...like that's really going to fix anything.
$5 doesn't even pay for my lunch.
Not only that, but it was the most condescending thing I have ever heard. The apology would have been just fine...but that $5 thing...ugh...
Next was my dog, Katy, hurt herself...She did the same thing she had done before to her back. Making her legs unable to move...My parents took her to the vet and they gave her some prednison and some pain killers...We couldn't take her to get surgery because no one there knew how...Nearest place was a 7 hour drive away...
So we left early to bring her home...but it was too late. The fluid in her spine had already run free...Her back legs were paralyzed...we were fine with the idea of her living in a cart because we knew that she could still be happy...We've seen Dachshunds in carts happy before...But she no longer had control over her bladder and was getting infections left and right...there was nothing we could do for her...
So on 1-14-2011 I had to hold Katy as they put her down. I only had her for 4 years...But she brought so much joy into my life after I lost my previous dog, Abby, who I had from the time I was 5 to 16.
I knew Katy would be happy if she could do nothing else but lay next to me like she had for a week before we put her down as we said our goodbyes.
But it was so hard not to look at her and just think to yourself, "What I would give to see a simple tail wag."
I hate the fact that I did everything that I could, and it still wasn't enough to save her. I was going to bring her with me to Japan. I don't care if people say, "It's just a dog," because no they aren't...I like dogs more than I like people.
Dogs don't lie to you. Dogs don't hurt you on purpose. Dogs don't ignore you. They're there when you're sad. They're their when you're lonely. They stay by your side through thick and thin. They're someone to talk to who just listen. They don't judge you. They just love you.
I think that if anyone thinks otherwise about this, they've either never had a dog and have never felt that sort of love, or they're just a cold person who will never understand.
I believe that everyone should have a pet of some sort that brings them this sort of joy. The only thing that is terrible about bringing one into your family is that no matter how much you wish it, they will never out live you.
But to have one so young is almost worse. I can say that even though Abby suffered through cancer, she lived a long happy life. Katy's was only beginning and it was cruelly ripped away from her all because of a stupid mistake and then not beating the clock.
My Japanese sensei's father also passed away right at the start of our semester. I've had only one class for the last 2 weeks of school, and this worries me. I'm scared that my classes will get dropped since I am taking 3 different Japanese courses with the same teacher. Then what do I do?
The only thing that is bringing me any hope at all at this point is that we've found a new little puppy.
Right now, she's only 3 weeks old, so it's going to be another 3 weeks before we can take her home, but...
She's Katy's great great grand niece.
Her mother is Katy's sister, Samantha. I usually don't believe in things like a God, Fate, Destiny, or anything like that. I do believe that when a soul passes, a piece of them remains in your heart. The fact that I have found this sweet little puppy that's related to Katy is like having a little piece of her back with me.
So I've chosen a name for her that means a lot to me.
Nozomi.
All I can say is that I am counting down the days to when I can bring her home.
In the meantime, my parents already brought home a little boy puppy that they named Angus. So I've been playing with him.
It's still difficult, and I still hurt and break into tears when I see where we buried Katy in our back yard.
I guess what I want to say is that I am going to take a break from Livejournal...as to whether or not I return to blog...I don't know.
Right now, I feel like I have nothing to blog about and nothing to talk about that isn't just me being depressed.
I don't like it when people tell me that they are sorry, and that they want to give me love because it reminds me of how miserable I am or was.
I don't want pity, I want to heal.
I admit that right now, I still hurt. I know people have seen it, and I want them to know that this is why I am hurting, but I don't want their pity. I don't want their sorrys. None of you have anything to be sorry about. You didn't do anything. Don't remind me of what I did and didn't do. I can't change the past. So saying anything about it won't do anything other than make me upset.
So for the time being, I'm going to be away from Livejournal. There's too much drama for me to handle here. There's too much hate here for me at the moment.
I want to be where there is a positive force.
I'm not closing this LJ down, at least at the moment I don't want to. I would like to return here, because while there are foul memories here, there are good ones too. I've made some wonderful friends here.
But even if I do leave LJ, I'm not going to surrender this name to anyone, therefore I will not deactivate the account. I've got enough art theft as it is, don't need someone using my name here and pretending to be me like they have elsewhere.
If you have commission business with me, I sent you an LJ PM. If you want to get in further contact with me, I suggest that you email me at
room4play@ymail.com <--- Commissions Account
If you want to get into contact with me on a friends basis as well, start there. That's my only public email.
And so begins my hiatus.
The new year hasn't gone well at all since it has started. I thought that the start of it was so terrible up until now. I've had very little hope for a while about this new year.
For one thing I had to go to California to see family that cares nothing about me. Aren't they paying for my school? Why yes they are. But not because they want to...It's because they can't say that their kids deserve it or want it...I'm 21 and the oldest young adult and I'm the only one who doesn't already have a kid. I don't know how many times while I was up there I was asked, "Oh where's your baby?"
I had a major break down while I was up there. Being around all these people who are treating me nice only to my face, but as soon as they thought that they were out of ear shot, I could hear them talking about how I was supposed to be the one who was the drug using, alcoholic, pregnant bimbo and about how they're disappointed that I'm not so that their kids could look better.
Next on the list was when I was hiding at a Border's Book Store snagging some WiFi. Some little punk runs into the table my laptop was on and knocks it over. Suddenly it didn't turn on. Parents walk up to me and say, "Here buy a new one," and then hand me $5...like that's really going to fix anything.
$5 doesn't even pay for my lunch.
Not only that, but it was the most condescending thing I have ever heard. The apology would have been just fine...but that $5 thing...ugh...
Next was my dog, Katy, hurt herself...She did the same thing she had done before to her back. Making her legs unable to move...My parents took her to the vet and they gave her some prednison and some pain killers...We couldn't take her to get surgery because no one there knew how...Nearest place was a 7 hour drive away...
So we left early to bring her home...but it was too late. The fluid in her spine had already run free...Her back legs were paralyzed...we were fine with the idea of her living in a cart because we knew that she could still be happy...We've seen Dachshunds in carts happy before...But she no longer had control over her bladder and was getting infections left and right...there was nothing we could do for her...
So on 1-14-2011 I had to hold Katy as they put her down. I only had her for 4 years...But she brought so much joy into my life after I lost my previous dog, Abby, who I had from the time I was 5 to 16.
I knew Katy would be happy if she could do nothing else but lay next to me like she had for a week before we put her down as we said our goodbyes.
But it was so hard not to look at her and just think to yourself, "What I would give to see a simple tail wag."
I hate the fact that I did everything that I could, and it still wasn't enough to save her. I was going to bring her with me to Japan. I don't care if people say, "It's just a dog," because no they aren't...I like dogs more than I like people.
Dogs don't lie to you. Dogs don't hurt you on purpose. Dogs don't ignore you. They're there when you're sad. They're their when you're lonely. They stay by your side through thick and thin. They're someone to talk to who just listen. They don't judge you. They just love you.
I think that if anyone thinks otherwise about this, they've either never had a dog and have never felt that sort of love, or they're just a cold person who will never understand.
I believe that everyone should have a pet of some sort that brings them this sort of joy. The only thing that is terrible about bringing one into your family is that no matter how much you wish it, they will never out live you.
But to have one so young is almost worse. I can say that even though Abby suffered through cancer, she lived a long happy life. Katy's was only beginning and it was cruelly ripped away from her all because of a stupid mistake and then not beating the clock.
My Japanese sensei's father also passed away right at the start of our semester. I've had only one class for the last 2 weeks of school, and this worries me. I'm scared that my classes will get dropped since I am taking 3 different Japanese courses with the same teacher. Then what do I do?
The only thing that is bringing me any hope at all at this point is that we've found a new little puppy.
Right now, she's only 3 weeks old, so it's going to be another 3 weeks before we can take her home, but...
She's Katy's great great grand niece.
Her mother is Katy's sister, Samantha. I usually don't believe in things like a God, Fate, Destiny, or anything like that. I do believe that when a soul passes, a piece of them remains in your heart. The fact that I have found this sweet little puppy that's related to Katy is like having a little piece of her back with me.
So I've chosen a name for her that means a lot to me.
Nozomi.
All I can say is that I am counting down the days to when I can bring her home.
In the meantime, my parents already brought home a little boy puppy that they named Angus. So I've been playing with him.
It's still difficult, and I still hurt and break into tears when I see where we buried Katy in our back yard.
I guess what I want to say is that I am going to take a break from Livejournal...as to whether or not I return to blog...I don't know.
Right now, I feel like I have nothing to blog about and nothing to talk about that isn't just me being depressed.
I don't like it when people tell me that they are sorry, and that they want to give me love because it reminds me of how miserable I am or was.
I don't want pity, I want to heal.
I admit that right now, I still hurt. I know people have seen it, and I want them to know that this is why I am hurting, but I don't want their pity. I don't want their sorrys. None of you have anything to be sorry about. You didn't do anything. Don't remind me of what I did and didn't do. I can't change the past. So saying anything about it won't do anything other than make me upset.
So for the time being, I'm going to be away from Livejournal. There's too much drama for me to handle here. There's too much hate here for me at the moment.
I want to be where there is a positive force.
I'm not closing this LJ down, at least at the moment I don't want to. I would like to return here, because while there are foul memories here, there are good ones too. I've made some wonderful friends here.
But even if I do leave LJ, I'm not going to surrender this name to anyone, therefore I will not deactivate the account. I've got enough art theft as it is, don't need someone using my name here and pretending to be me like they have elsewhere.
If you have commission business with me, I sent you an LJ PM. If you want to get in further contact with me, I suggest that you email me at
room4play@ymail.com <--- Commissions Account
If you want to get into contact with me on a friends basis as well, start there. That's my only public email.
And so begins my hiatus.