Oh dear... ^.^;;
It’s raining today. I went up early to shower and Sae was still asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up so I didn’t. Maybe I should have, to be able to say good morning to him, but I didn’t. I’m still debating whether I ought to go home over summer break or not. I want to stay here if Eiji stays here, because we have so much to catch up on, but at the same time it would be nice to go home. I’d be able to see Yumiko and Yuuta and mom and dad and I need to check up on the cacti I left at home. Well, I’m sure they’re all right because mom promised she’d watch after them, but you can never be sure.
I still need to sort out what I’m doing here to begin with. Do I really wish to dedicate myself to tennis this much? I’m stuck in the same circle of people twenty-four seven, and some of them I like, and some of them I don’t. We’re living in some odd sort of micro world here, and I’m not sure this is what I want. All my dreams have been put on the backburner because of the tennis, and being stagnant in life doesn’t really seem like me. Well, it’s not like I know who I am anyway. I must have lost myself somewhere down the road and trying to make sense of myself and my situation only leads me to a dead end.
I guess I’m worried about Tachibana. Something’s rather off there, so much I’ve been able to gather, but I don’t wish to pry and people ought to be allowed to have their secrets, right? I don’t even feel comfortable writing his name out in public like this, even if this post is friends locked, but since I’ve done it in the past I’m not going to start some odd sort of double standards here.
I think I made some sort of bet with Marui, but I’m not certain. I don’t wish to think about him at all, so I haven’t really paid it much attention. Whatever happens, happens. And it isn’t exactly as if we’ve shaken hands on it or anything; it isn’t a sealed deal.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I’m slipping away from me. I look myself in the mirror and I see someone I don’t recognize. My hair’s dull and a bit too long, but I haven’t bothered taking care of it properly. I’m losing weight, I know I am. The tennis uniform I got when I came to camp is too big now. The shorts keep sliding down and I guess I have to ask for a new one, but then I have to write to mom and dad and tell them I need more money, and then they would like to know why… And then I’d worry them. I can’t afford to worry them, least of all mom. She was reluctant to let me go to camp to begin with; instead she wanted me to stay home - maybe take a year off from school until I’ve calmed down again - and work through what happened in class. In retrospect… Maybe she was right.
I barely see anyone from old Seigaku. And when I do… Got into a fight with Echizen, for example. And let’s not talk about how I behaved with Tezuka, shall we? That was the utter most low, really. I feel like I’m only keeping in touch with Momoshiro and Kaidou through the journals, and that’s barely. And I’m just as bad when it comes to Oishi and Inui. I miss Taka-san, but that alone doesn’t help me write to him or phone him or anything. I’m losing touch with the people dear to me, and it’s mostly my own fault. I can only hope I’ll patch things up with Eiji.
And really… Is this the Fuji Syuusuke I want to be? No. Quite far from it. I’ve tried talking to Shishido-sensei, but the words just doesn’t come out right. Maybe I need to see a shrink who has more experience? Would that even help? I’m not sure. I know I have issues, and that they won’t be solved just with a handful of fairy dust. This isn’t even the Fuji Syuusuke I was. I just don’t know where to find him again.
Saa… Is it a waste of time if you write a long, long entry and then decide it’s a bit too much and then delete it? ^_^;; I kind of did that just now~ At least it cleared my mind out for a while. Let’s hope it lasts. ♥ To sum it up though… I’m thinking a lot. ^_~
[ooc: Why yes, all the strikeouts are deleted. :x;; You’re free to comment on it ooc (or ic, what your muses would have answered to the post, had they been able to read it) if you feel like it, but don’t feel obliged to do so. Muse is just venting anyway. :/;; *pokes him*]
I still need to sort out what I’m doing here to begin with. Do I really wish to dedicate myself to tennis this much? I’m stuck in the same circle of people twenty-four seven, and some of them I like, and some of them I don’t. We’re living in some odd sort of micro world here, and I’m not sure this is what I want. All my dreams have been put on the backburner because of the tennis, and being stagnant in life doesn’t really seem like me. Well, it’s not like I know who I am anyway. I must have lost myself somewhere down the road and trying to make sense of myself and my situation only leads me to a dead end.
I guess I’m worried about Tachibana. Something’s rather off there, so much I’ve been able to gather, but I don’t wish to pry and people ought to be allowed to have their secrets, right? I don’t even feel comfortable writing his name out in public like this, even if this post is friends locked, but since I’ve done it in the past I’m not going to start some odd sort of double standards here.
I think I made some sort of bet with Marui, but I’m not certain. I don’t wish to think about him at all, so I haven’t really paid it much attention. Whatever happens, happens. And it isn’t exactly as if we’ve shaken hands on it or anything; it isn’t a sealed deal.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I’m slipping away from me. I look myself in the mirror and I see someone I don’t recognize. My hair’s dull and a bit too long, but I haven’t bothered taking care of it properly. I’m losing weight, I know I am. The tennis uniform I got when I came to camp is too big now. The shorts keep sliding down and I guess I have to ask for a new one, but then I have to write to mom and dad and tell them I need more money, and then they would like to know why… And then I’d worry them. I can’t afford to worry them, least of all mom. She was reluctant to let me go to camp to begin with; instead she wanted me to stay home - maybe take a year off from school until I’ve calmed down again - and work through what happened in class. In retrospect… Maybe she was right.
I barely see anyone from old Seigaku. And when I do… Got into a fight with Echizen, for example. And let’s not talk about how I behaved with Tezuka, shall we? That was the utter most low, really. I feel like I’m only keeping in touch with Momoshiro and Kaidou through the journals, and that’s barely. And I’m just as bad when it comes to Oishi and Inui. I miss Taka-san, but that alone doesn’t help me write to him or phone him or anything. I’m losing touch with the people dear to me, and it’s mostly my own fault. I can only hope I’ll patch things up with Eiji.
And really… Is this the Fuji Syuusuke I want to be? No. Quite far from it. I’ve tried talking to Shishido-sensei, but the words just doesn’t come out right. Maybe I need to see a shrink who has more experience? Would that even help? I’m not sure. I know I have issues, and that they won’t be solved just with a handful of fairy dust. This isn’t even the Fuji Syuusuke I was. I just don’t know where to find him again.
Saa… Is it a waste of time if you write a long, long entry and then decide it’s a bit too much and then delete it? ^_^;; I kind of did that just now~ At least it cleared my mind out for a while. Let’s hope it lasts. ♥ To sum it up though… I’m thinking a lot. ^_~
[ooc: Why yes, all the strikeouts are deleted. :x;; You’re free to comment on it ooc (or ic, what your muses would have answered to the post, had they been able to read it) if you feel like it, but don’t feel obliged to do so. Muse is just venting anyway. :/;; *pokes him*]