tick... tock...
2 days, and now I am scared as hell. Scared for whats going to happen to me, and for whats going to happen to the people I love when Im gone. Im still having the whole they'll forget me complex but thats not the part thats tearing me apart. Its still amanda, I went for ovwr a week without any contact, to give her the space that she wants, and I was fine with it.
I was fighting with myself to call her and tell her that I missed her, but held back. Whne I finally broke down and went to call her, she had already text messaged me, so I called hger just to say hi. This was yesterday, and I am still in knots about all of it. I miss her so terribly, yet I know that I cant be with her, she doesn't want to be with me right now, I don't know if ever. Im not stable, I cant give her the things in life that I know she wants and I know that she deserves, but I want to try so hard to give tjhose things to her.
Love is a strange thing. I guess that I was never in love with anyone the same way that I was, no AM in love with Amanda right now. I just wish that things could be different, I wish that I could be me, not this shell that I have been reduced to. The false smiles to hide my pain and to keep up the apperance that I'm all right.
I am not all right. I am so scared, uncertain, and angry right now. Scared that I dont know what is going to happen to me. Uncertain about my future, and angry that I put myself here and now I can find my way out.
I ache all over. my back is so tense its always in pain, my chest just keeps getting tighter and tighter worry and dobut. And of all my nagging pain, my heart hurts the most.
The last year and a half of fear, dobut and uncertainty are all coming to a culmination in about 48 hours. where it can do only two things, get 100% better or 100% worse. For my sake, I hope for the better outcome, cause I cant imagine any feeling worse than the way I feel right now.
I was fighting with myself to call her and tell her that I missed her, but held back. Whne I finally broke down and went to call her, she had already text messaged me, so I called hger just to say hi. This was yesterday, and I am still in knots about all of it. I miss her so terribly, yet I know that I cant be with her, she doesn't want to be with me right now, I don't know if ever. Im not stable, I cant give her the things in life that I know she wants and I know that she deserves, but I want to try so hard to give tjhose things to her.
Love is a strange thing. I guess that I was never in love with anyone the same way that I was, no AM in love with Amanda right now. I just wish that things could be different, I wish that I could be me, not this shell that I have been reduced to. The false smiles to hide my pain and to keep up the apperance that I'm all right.
I am not all right. I am so scared, uncertain, and angry right now. Scared that I dont know what is going to happen to me. Uncertain about my future, and angry that I put myself here and now I can find my way out.
I ache all over. my back is so tense its always in pain, my chest just keeps getting tighter and tighter worry and dobut. And of all my nagging pain, my heart hurts the most.
The last year and a half of fear, dobut and uncertainty are all coming to a culmination in about 48 hours. where it can do only two things, get 100% better or 100% worse. For my sake, I hope for the better outcome, cause I cant imagine any feeling worse than the way I feel right now.