A piece of Kame for romapi (Part 1/2)
Title: The book of love
Pairing/Group: RyoKame; others: Yamapi, Matsumoto Jun
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, Angst, language, dark themes, humour
Summary: Ryo has it pretty tough after changing into the new school. He gets into trouble on a daily basis. It’s not like anyone has it in for him, though. Ryo keeps getting himself into trouble, his entire life is really messed up and he’s giving trouble to other people too. Even anyone who is trying to befriend him will end up in a huge mess.
Note: This is the first of three chapters. I did not forget the content of the request, of course. The story will be romance and have many fun and fluffy moments. I really hope you will like it. ^_^
“Ouch, hold his leg, damn it.”
“I can’t reach it.”
“Wait, I’ll get the arm.”
“Okay.”
“Now keep him still.”
Did you know that people sometimes drown in rain puddles on the street? If they’re drunk and pass out, or if they fall and land face down in the water and don’t wake up in time. A good inch of water is enough. Kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? Then try to imagine drowning in a toilet. How pathetic is that? Not that it matters too much anymore. My dignity is drowned already - and I’m to follow. I’m pretty sure. Here is where I’ll die. My lungs are burning, my eyes stinging and my head feels like it’s about to explode. My arms and legs are restrained. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. Well, at least now it’ll be over soon…
*~ Nigetai toki wa dou sureba ii? ~*
(What should I do when I want to run away?)
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?!”
Fantastic, a witness. If I could bring up the strength, I’d roll my eyes. Nobody ever sees any of it. But, of course, someone has to walk in when they’re killing me.
“Let go of him, damn it. Now!”
I want to scream. My body painfully hits the floor and the hard, cold frame of the toilet my head is still down in. At least the flushing has stopped. Strangely, even though I’ve already (abgeschlossen) with my life I hear myself heaving, filling my deprived lungs with much-needed oxygen. Basic instincts are pretty weird. The need for life.
“And now get lost, before I report you for gang criminalism instead of just random assault.”
I hear footsteps and find myself sighing in relief. However, as I try to straighten myself I feel a sharp pain in my chest and slack forward again.
“And you,” the voice finally addresses me. “Are you actually trying to get killed?”
I grunt as strong arms grab me and force me onto wobbly feet. For a second nothing happens. I assume he’s seen my face and judging by the way it feels it’s not a pretty sight. He doesn’t say anything, though, but slowly starts to set out. As my vision slowly clears a bit I can estimate he’s taking me to the nursing station. He doesn’t say anything further while he drags me along and I’m grateful for it. It’s not like I’m not thankful. And I’m not trying to get killed. Not really, anyway. But right now I don’t think I could talk anyway.
“Shizurei shimasu!”
“Hai, hai,” I can hear our medical attendant. “Oh, Kamenashi-kun. Are you… Nishikido-kun!”
He sounds alarmed. I guess I must really look like a mess. Well, I still find it hard to breathe. Maybe a rib is broken, after all?
“He hasn’t said a word,” my savior explains. “I don’t know what really happened. I just happened to walk in as they `flushed´ him repeatedly.”
“Shut up.” My voice is weak, but at least it’s still working.
“Wow he does talk,” Kame remarked. “Quite a first word to the one who saved your ass.”
“I can’t remember asking for help,” I bite back.
“Well, I figured you were too busy drinking piss water.”
Kame is too much of a bitch to be a guy, actually, but he’s sharp and tough, which is quite respectable.
*~ Nigetai toki wa dou sureba ii? ~*
(What should I do when I want to run away?)
“And that will be enough, now,” the medical attendant cut in. “Kamenashi-kun, thank you for bringing the young man. I will take care of him now.”
I’m heaved onto the large bed in the corner of the room. At least I can manage to keep sitting upright without further support.
“Thank you,” Kame chirps sweetly. “Please take good care of him. See you at lunch, Kou-chan!”
“Oi, what’s with that? Mind your attitude, young man.”
“Of course. See you, Koichi.”
Koichi sighs as Kame swishes out. Then the man turns to look at me. A mix of sympathy and anger is in his eyes. I really hope he doesn’t give me another speech. It’s my second time I’m in for treatment this week.
“Well, let’s patch you up, shall we?” he finally decides.
He checks me thoroughly and I’m glad when he informs me that I’m actually not seriously injured. Finally he hands me a glass of water.
“Nishikido…”
Oh, here it comes.
“Should we talk to the headmaster?”
“No.”
“What happened?”
“I fell.”
“Oh, really?” Koichi’s brow goes up.
I swallow bitterly, avoiding his gaze.
*~ Kimi nara dou suru darou? ~*
(If it were you, what would you do, I wonder?)
“You know,” Koichi muses, “you’re actually quite an amazing guy. And you don’t even know it. Kamenashi isn’t a guy who usually interferes with the business of people he doesn’t really know. Yet he cut in and saved you today. So, in a way, even to him you must mean something. And you affect people so much they mess with you in such a way. You know, you wouldn’t even have to try hard. If only you stopped bashing everything you see or get a hold of, you’d have actual friends instead of each a bunch of haters and admirers.”
“I don’t even want admirers.”
“No,” Koichi agrees. “You want the red card. For some reason you really think that getting expelled would do something for you. But before that happens somebody will seriously hurt you. The students won’t take all of your shit, you know.” He gives me another considering look. “I won’t write a report on this. Just… Nishikido, please, try to find some kind of… inner stability. Nobody is hurting you as much as yourself. Maybe you want to reconsider whether this suffering is really what you want. It’s not happening to you, you know. I’ve seen bullying in this school, but that’s not what is happening here. You’re not only choosing this - you’re the one doing it to yourself. You are the one creating the pain. Is it really better this way?”
“If Kame had minded his own business, most probably we wouldn’t have these problems anymore.”
“Well, if it’s all that bothersome, you might as well save me the trouble to patch you back up again next time.”
I’m quite shocked. Koichi’s face is hard, his eyes dark. And his words sting unexpectedly.
“If you really don’t care at all anymore, then take care of your own business and don’t try to get other people to do that kind of dirty work for you.”
Wow. That’s… at least unexpected. Did he just suggest I should kill myself? Just as I study his face more carefully, I see remorse in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. “That was… very uncalled for. I really did not mean it. It’s just… when you say things like that - like your life isn’t worth anything… it just makes me mad. Everybody has to face tough times every now and then. But dammit, you can still fight. It’s your life, shouldn’t you try to make the most of it to the best of your abilities?”
I can only laugh bitterly at that.
“You know, I used to think that way too. That if it’s your own life it’s worth fighting for.”
“Then why don’t you?” he asks, as if any kind of reason could change fucked-up reality.
“Sometimes you just don’t fight,” I simply bite back.
“But why not?!”
His voice is loud and high-pitched now. For a second it feels like he wants to slap me. It’s not me, though. It wasn’t me, at any rate. But how can I fight alone? It’s not like I haven’t tried. I did. I tried. I was not the one, who…
“I don’t know.”
My eyes sting and my first impulse is to jump up and run. What does this guy know anyway? He’s never going where I have to go - back home.
*~ Kimi nara dou suru darou? ~*
(If it were you, what would you do, I wonder?)
*~ Nigetai toki wa dou sureba ii? ~*
(What should I do when I want to run away?)
“Hey, my dear.”
My mother’s voice is almost bitingly sweet. It’s sickening. She beams at me as I walk into the kitchen.
“Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Is dad eating with us tonight?” I ask bluntly and her face immediately falls.
I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Maybe I want her to hurt as I do. It’s cruel, isn’t it? Why am I like this? I know she’s miserable enough, even though she’s trying to hide it from me. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I want her to stop pretending. To accept all of this and call it by name. But ever since we came here she’s always been overly motivated and encouraging. As if you could simply ignore everything until it all goes back to normal. Just that it won’t. This is reality now. I’ve accepted it, at least.
“Your father was feeling tired,” my mother smiles apologetically.
“Ah,” I merely say, rushing off towards my room.
I can’t help it. Even though I’ve been through this a thousand times by now and I know it doesn’t do anything, I cry. I’m pretty sure, if there’s such a place like “hell”, I’ve found it. And I’m stuck in it.
*~ Nigetai toki wa dou sureba ii? ~*
(What should I do when I want to run away?)
I open my eyes and it’s dark outside. I blink. How long have I been sleeping? I suppose dinner is over by now. Not that I mind. I don’t feel hungry, even now. But I feel like some fresh air. So I get up, open the door to my room and check the surroundings. It’s silent. Even so, just to be safe I’ll grab a pair of shoes I don’t usually wear and climb out the window. I quickly rush over to the small cupboard that holds the only spare pair of shoes I still own, open it and stare in shock. I gulp as I grab the huge bottle of Vodka that stands behind a pair of boots, obviously put there is hopes that with just a quick glance it wouldn’t be spotted. I pull it out, grab my shoes and take everything back to my room. After getting ready I grab the bottle and swish out the window. It’s not like I have a particular place in mind I want to go. I don’t even know what I want to do with the bottle, or why I took it. There are at least six more somewhere in the house, I’m sure. It’s not like I care to try and “clear” the house. Well, if someone sees me with it, there’s gonna be trouble, for sure. Just that it seems to be pretty late. Hardly anyone is on the streets anymore and the people who pass me by simply ignore me. Of course. I give it up to try to get into trouble, and choose a bench on a small lawn area to sit down on.
I look at the bottle in my hands. It looks like water. Totally unspectacular. How can something like this completely ruin a life? For a second I think about emptying the entire thing, but decide against it. While I wouldn’t mind the physical consequences, my mother would be horrified and that is something I do not want. I’ve given up to try to get through to her too. She’s trapped and not even trying to get out. Well, she doesn’t want to leave dad behind. She doesn’t even know, she doesn’t understand… it’s not like he cares anymore. He couldn’t care less. But she doesn’t want to see that. The day I shouted everything at her… It was the day everything ended. It wasn’t even all that bad that she slapped me. But I understood… she was stuck too and unable or unwilling to get out again. I inspect the bottle again. Why should I care? When everybody else is giving up, why should I keep fighting? What’s the point?
*~ Kimi nara dou suru darou? ~*
(If it were you, what would you do, I wonder?)
I blink as I feel something weird at my foot. As I watch more closely I see a young dog sniffing my shoe. I can’t help smiling. It seems to be pretty young, really. But unafraid and curious.
“Hello, you.”
I try to pet the head carefully. It’s fluffy and warm and it seems the dog is used to being petted, because it sits down, nudging my hand asking for more. I chuckle. Such a cutie.
“Are you all alone out here? Don’t you have someone looking after you?”
I jump slightly as a rough tongue laps over my hand, but it’s actually nice and so we keep playing like that for a while.
“Oh, there you are!”
My head rushes up, searching my surroundings. I blink in surprise as I see someone running towards me. Someone I know.
“What do you want?” I ask barkingly.
Kame considers me for a moment, seemingly recognizing me only now, then his eyes darken.
“I could ask you the very same thing,” he finally answers. “What are you doing here with my dog?”
I blink at the small creature at my feet.
“Oh… it’s yours?”
“Yeah,” Kame confirms. “So?”
“So?” I mimic. “Where’s your leash? Why do you let your dog run around like this, huh?”
Kame bites his lips, looking nervous. I frown. He’s hiding something.
“Is it really your dog?” I ask skeptically.
“Yes,” he spits out. “Well… sort of.”
“What does sort of mean?” I ask, feeling confused. “Either it’s yours, or it isn’t. What is it now?”
“Well,” Kame stutters, “strictly spoken… I’m not the owner. I can’t really have a dog. My mom’s allergic. I saved this one,” he explains. “The owner of the mother wanted to kill him. I said I’d take him home, so he agreed to give him to me. I can’t really bring him home, but I’ve built something for him, a little hut near the river and I feed and walk him every day.”
*~ Sekai nara dou suru no? ~*
(If it were the world, what would it do?)
“You made a promise you couldn’t keep.”
I see his eyes growing wide. I know I’m doing it again. Why do I keep doing this? It’s not like he deserves it. It’s not like there’s a reason. I don’t even know what I think it’ll do. Probably nothing.
“What the fuck is your problem?!”
Here goes. If I push it, maybe he’ll hit me. It’s not like I particularly want that. It’s neither like I don’t want it. It’s a weird kind of feeling. I know he’s actually a good guy and he must have felt sympathy for this little puppy. Still, in the end he made the same mistake as my mother. He’s trying to help this creature, while he can’t really. Why are we like that?
“Seriously, do you have some kind of mental issue?” Kame keeps shouting. “Come on, now, say it. You want to get hurt, don’t you? And you want to hurt others. Why can’t you keep your fucked-up mind away from others?”
I blink at him in shock. Not even Koichi has touched the core so directly. The core of my stinging heart.
“Why should I?” I ask, glaring at him. “The world’s fucking with me too and I have to cope with it.”
“And your solution is to try to fuck with everyone else’s lives?” he asks, his voice still aggressive, but not so loud anymore.
“If you don’t like it, stay away,” I shrug.
“You’re one big paradox,” Kame says, shaking his head. “On the one hand you’re dashing out at everybody but at the same time you want everybody to simply leave you alone.”
“So?”
“So?” Kame takes up on my earlier statement. “That’s not possible. If you shout at people, they’re gonna look at you. You should make up your mind. If you want to be left alone, then leave other people alone too. Or if you want to go into interaction, do it reasonably.”
“And why should I listen to you?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Maybe because it’s tiring? Aren’t you sick of it? I mean, I don’t know what it is that makes you… like this. But in the end, you are the one dwelling in it. It’s your own choice… to live like this.”
I sneer. “Why do people keep telling me to end my life these days?”
He looks shocked. “I said no such thing!” he demands. “I meant that you should make a choice.”
“If everybody around you is stuck in the dwelling… how are you supposed to get out?” I ask and I fear I let him in too deep, but for some reason I can’t help it.
I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about what happened to me. I haven’t talked to my old friends ever since we came here and people in school… well, I make sure they don’t particularly like me.
“I don’t know,” Kame admits.
He sits down next to me. I blink, not sure how to react. I start fidgeting with my fingers in order to occupy them.
*~ Sekai nara dou suru no? ~*
(If it were the world, what would it do?)
“Maybe you’re right and I’m just the same,” he muses. “I just pretend that I’m better than that. But when looking at it objectively, you’re right. I said I’d take care of this little cutie,” he continues, picking the dog up and placing it on his lap, “but in the end I can’t really do anything.”
“You’re trying, though,” I state, surprising myself.
I haven’t had such a talk in forever. It feels good.
“Is that enough?”
“It’s more than what I’m doing.”
Finally Kame’s gaze goes to the big bottle I put next to me.
“What do you plan with this?” Kame asks, sounding alarmed.
“Nothing much,” I shrug.
“Where did you get it?”
“I’m not getting you booze, if that’s your thought now,” I bite out.
“Hey, relax,” Kame retorts. “I don’t want any of it. It’s just that you didn’t seem the type.”
“I’m not drinking it,” I repeat. “You can’t really judge that kind of thing just from looking at someone, though.”
“Probably,” he mutters. A longer silence spreads between us. It’s nice and calming and I think I haven’t felt so at ease in forever. I don’t even tense up as he addresses me again. “So, do you want to tell me?”
“Not really.”
“Will you?”
I can’t help smiling. This guy is really quite special. I look at him, the smile still on my face.
“Why do you care?” I ask. “You don’t even know me.”
“Maybe I’ll get to know you?” he suggests.
“But why do you want to?”
“Well, we’re sitting here on a bench in the middle of the night, stars are out, we’re having this really deep discussion… it felt like… you know, in every good drama that’s when you’ll start to talk more intimately, or get mushy, so I thought I should provide the opportunity.”
“This is not a fucking drama series,” I bite out, but I can’t do it without laughing.
“Well, then maybe you just want to tell someone… you know, what’s on your mind… or just forget about it.”
Another silence follows, but he does not leave. After a while it feels harmonious again.
*~ Sekai nara dou suru no? ~*
(If it were the world, what would it do?)
“About half a year ago,” I suddenly start to relate. I don’t even know why I’m doing it. It’s not like I have to. I don’t even know this guy. But maybe that makes it easier? “My father’s company finally went bankrupt. They had trouble a long while before and it was only a matter of time. When the business was established, everything was wonderful. Sales were high and we everything you could a lot of ideas and can work really hard, is not a business man. He missed out on PR and did not invest well in equipment and such. So, once the first big high was over things constantly went down. Instead of getting help he tried to build things up by himself again. That failed, of course. When he understood that he couldn’t save anything anymore he went completely numb. He closed in on himself, stopped talking to us. After a while he even stopped going to work. And then… these started to appear.” I grab the bottle and shake it a bit for emphasis. “You know, my father used to be a very loving man, he was vivid and he laughed a lot. My mother is still hoping that she will get that man back one day. I used to hope something like that too. But I’ve given up on that a while ago. He doesn’t care about us anymore. He doesn’t want to come back. And he isn’t going to.”
“I see,” I hear Kame’s voice next to me. I dare not look at him right now. I feel like crying again, but I fight the urge. “It sounds a bit cruel, you know,” he continues. “That you’re simply giving up on your dad. But then, I don’t think anyone would do that easily. So I suppose in the end you’re actually trying to protect yourself. You don’t want to go down that same road. But at the same time you cannot make a real cut. Maybe you’re also feeling guilty.”
“Wow, are you a psychiatrist?”
“No,” Kame states with a grin. “But guess what, I know fucked-up too. Well, not like that, I guess, but still…”
“I cannot leave my mother.”
“But isn’t that making the very same mistake?” Kame asks and I know he is right. “You cannot help her, you know it. Yet you pretend that just staying close will do something.”
*~ Isso sakendeshimaeba raku ni naru. ~*
(If I just shouted out I could be at ease.)
“So you’re saying that leaving my family entirely is actually a good thing to do?” I ask, trying to make him feel guilty for suggesting this, but actually feeling guilty myself, because the thought rouses something inside me.
“Maybe something will change if someone breaks the spell?” Kame suggests. I’m surprised. He’s not even ashamed of his thoughts. “At any rate you don’t have to feel guilty. What you do isn’t helping anyone, but it’s making you miserable, so things can actually only improve if you do something for yourself. It’s okay to try to protect yourself, you know.”
“I could get my own place,” I hear myself fantasizing. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Going home always makes me feel sick. I can’t remember how many times I’ve tried to make things change for the better. But my words never did anything. Would it be different, if I took action? Who knows…?
“Do you have money for that?” Kame asks, sounding surprised.
“I have a job, I could afford a room,” the more I keep talking about it, the better it feels.
“Wow, that’s cool,” Kame encourages me. “Maybe I should get a job too. Then I could get an actual place… for him.”
I look at the dog on Kame’s lap. He’s a real cutie.
“Well, I could take him for now.”
I don’t even know why I just said that. Maybe I’m trying to be nice. But why do I care?
“What - seriously?”
I merely shrug.
“You would take him in?” Kame asks, sounding thrilled. “I’ll keep taking care of him. I’ll buy food and toys and I’ll walk him and…”
“Forget it,” I finally wave him off. “It was a stupid idea.”
“But…”
“Sorry, okay?” For some reason I have the big urge to run. “I’d better get going. Have a good night. See you.”
I don’t even let him say anything, I simply leave. On my way back my head starts to spin with a million thoughts. I try to shake it clear, but it’s to no avail. When I’m finally back in my room, I fall into my bed, exhausted.
*~ Isso sakendeshimaeba raku ni naru. ~*
(If I just shouted out I could be at ease.)
“Nishikido, are you sick?” I look up to see the head of the senior classes standing next to me. “I haven’t heard a single report of you today.”
I want to give him a biting answer, but blink as I see Kame coming up behind him.
“Leave him, Jun.”
“Oh,” Jun blinks in surprise, “sorry, are you two friends?”
“He saved Kuma-chan last night,” Kame explains.
“Oh, did you lose him again?” Jun asks teasingly. I didn’t know these two were close?
“Sometimes he simply disappears. I don’t know how he does it,” Kame pouts.
“Kuma?” I ask, wondering what he’s talking about.
“Yeah.” Kame smiles at me. Then, much to my surprise, he sets down his tablet and seats himself next to me. “You found him in the park last night, didn’t you?”
*~ Nigeru ki nante nai sa tatakau sa. ~*
(I'm not intending to run away, I'll fight it.)
I stare. “Your… your dog’s name is Kuma?!”
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Jun agrees and suddenly I find him seated opposite me. Did I invite anyone to eat with me?
“It’s not weird,” Kame opposes. I can see the slight blush on his face.
“You know,” Jun grins, “Kame kept saying how he always wanted to have a bear when he was a kid. He would pester his parents no end. But naturally he never got what he wanted. So he named his dog like that.”
“What are you doing, babbling out such private things?” Kame complains.
“Why are you even sitting here?” I bite out. It’s not like I really mind. But somehow it feels like it’s dangerous letting anyone be close to me. “It’s not like I said that you could.”
“Hey, hey.”
Oh god, another one. And him of all people. The weirdest mix of playboy and goof I’ve ever seen.
“Did I finally get through to you guys?” He looks at me directly. “I’ve been telling them for weeks that we should definitely invite a hottie like you into our group.”
“Pi, if you want to eat with us, sit down, or else get lost,” Kame glares at him.
Yamapi merely grins at him. He sits down next to Jun, but then his eyes find mine again.
“He’s just scared I might hit on you before he gets the chance,” he says with a wink.
“Not interested, thanks,” I mutter, not looking at him directly.
Why is this entire bunch suddenly sitting at a table with me? Only yesterday nobody wanted to even talk to me. What is this?
“Eat, dammit,” Kame keeps biting at Yamapi, “before I take that sandwich and stuff it in your mouth to shut you up.”
“Mh, Kame, you always say such dirty things.”
“Really, Pi, you’re such a pain,” Jun complains, nudging the guy next to him.
“Oh, you have no idea,” Pi teases.
“Oh no?” Jun asks, raising his brows.
Really, these guys are too weird. But look at this. We’re sitting together at this table, they’re joking and eating their lunch. Nobody’s even looking. Actually it’s only too normal. Are these normal things already so extraordinary for me?
“Dammit, Jun,” Yamapi complains. “I was merely joking and you’re getting gross.”
“What - I’m the one getting gross?” Jun asks, sounding amused. “You’re the one who hit on this innocent young man before even introducing yourself.”
*~ Nigeru ki nante nai sa tatakau sa. ~*
(I'm not intending to run away, I'll fight it.)
“Everybody knows who he is,” I state bluntly. “He’s the guy that will get you pregnant just by standing next to him.”
While Yamapi looks quite sour the other two guys laugh at that.
“Very fit,” Jun agrees, still chuckling. “And which guy are you?”
“Oh, he’s the `tragic character´ type,” Kame explains. “And a bit closed up. He doesn’t like other people and he talk much.”
“Oh, dark secret,” Jun analyzes. “Makes you fascinating, but also dangerous.”
“Yeah, I’m dangerous…”
“Well then, Leonheart-san* ,” Jun jokes, “let’s try to socialize you.”
“And why would I want that?” I must be an idiot. These guys are nice to me. Why am I such a jerk?
“You might not for all I know,” Jun shrugs. “But it’s something you definitely need.”
“I’m really fucked up,” I wrap it up.
“Welcome to the club,” Yamapi offers, beaming at me.
And I feel myself giving in a bit. Why should I try to continue to fight something that’s actually good?
“Does this club have a name?” I ask, finally starting to eat too.
“Not officially,” the other tells me. “If you can think of one, you can always suggest it.”
“How about `Bad Luck´** ?”
Kame actually laughs at that. Yamapi and Jun don’t look too happy, though.
“We’re not some stupid idol group,” Jun protests.
“The slogan seems pretty fit, though,” Kame supports my idea.
“Only a person who names their dog Kuma can like this kind of idea,” Yamapi complains.
“Don’t be so up-tight,” Kame tells him. “He’s our friend now.”
What - we’re friends now? How come? Did I agree to this? … Do I mind? Well, they’re a bunch of freaks, but at least they’re not the bad kind of ridiculous. And they seem to accept me like this - even though I’m a jerk.
“Well, it seems that finally our group finally has a `heartless shit´ character,” Jun teases. “Nishikido, you’ll be our mysterious eye-catcher, closed-up, silent, but just the right amount of charming in just the right moment.”
“Didn’t you say this was not an idol group?” I smirk at him. “What’s with that image?”
“Guys, let’s finish lunch,” Yamapi cuts in. “Classes start again in ten minutes.”
I realize that I still have half my lunch on the plate and start to eat quickly. Too quickly. A big bite gets stuck in my throat and I start to cough.
“Hey, now,” Kame scolds me as his hands keeps patting my back repeatedly, “you should be more careful.”
While I’m still coughing I can hear the rest of the group making jokes about Kame’s motherly instincts and I’m sure it must actually be an amusing picture. For me, though, it feels weird, even being in this situation. I wonder if this is a good thing? I mean, obviously Kame likes me and he’s trying to help. But… can I be helped?
Help me
Help me
Help me...
~* Kowareyuku ookii na sekai ni... Yume no nai konna jidai ni...sotto sotto iki wo shite *~
(In this big world, shattered into nothingness… In this era without dreams, I softly, softly draw breath...)
“Yo, Ryo-chaa~n!!!”
I sigh deeply. How on earth did I get into this group? I see Yamapi running up, waving madly. Behind him there are Jun and Kame, being more discrete, but also walking straight up towards me. It has come to feel almost natural to see their faces and have them around. We always have lunch together nowadays and sometimes I even join them for trips to the gaming hall, or shopping mall. It’s actually nice, for the main part. I just can’t help thinking sometimes that they seek my presence for a specific reason. I might well be a bit paranoid, but then, so long as I’m around, they can be pretty sure that nobody else will bother them. People are still wary of me, even though I’ve been pretty relaxed during the past two weeks. I guess a name once owned is hard to change. It’s not like I mind a lot. I’m not trying to piss anybody off, but I don’t need a bunch of followers, or even a huge group of friends. Actually, these guys are quite alright. We seem to fit pretty well. I just wonder if it’s expected that we also hang out between classes? Does that classify as bothersome? Did I do that with my old friends? My old life already seems too vague a memory. It’s kinda scary. But I can’t really grasp the feeling, because I know I have to concentrate on my new friends.
“Hey, Ryo,” Kame greets me with a smile. “Finally,” he sighs. “It’s so pointless that you have to do those stupid support classes.”
“It can’t be helped,” I sigh. “I was way behind the learning schedule when I changed here and I kept skipping classes before…”
“Yeah, but that was back when you wanted to fail at least three subjects,” Jun remarked. “Now it seems you’ve developed quite some ambition. How is it going? It’s quite some work, isn’t it?”
“It’s a lot of work,” I admit. “But it’s okay. I’m used to studying a lot. And I have a home tutor now, who helps me a lot.”
“Oh, you get learning support?” Kame asks. “That’s great. So, you’re feeling okay?”
“Yeah, thanks,” I nod with a smile. “I was really skeptical at the beginning. But now I’m glad that I made the step.”
“It must have been tough,” Jun agrees. “Leaving your family behind. Informing officials. Oh yeah, and not to mention that you have to accept other people close to you. I mean, supervised apartments. That’s got to be tough.”
“It was a difficult decision. But really, I’m glad that I did it. It’s actually nice there. My roommate is a bit weird, but the supervisor is really nice. And my mother has officially started therapy now. I visited her yesterday. She’s much cheerier again. There’s also this group she’s part of now - all women who share her fate. She’s really finding some very good support there.”
“What about your dad?” Kame asked carefully.
“Still in hospital,” I explain. It stings to talk about it, but it’s already so much better than it used to be. “He hasn’t agreed to rehab… but somehow now I want to hope that maybe he’ll change his mind before they release him again.”
“We can all visit him,” Kame suggests. “You know, to support both of you.”
~* Muryoku de chiisa na jibun ni... Shi ni iku inochi no imi ni...zutto zutto toikaketeita *~
(Shrunken by my own helplessness... I asked myself always and forever what meaning there is in a life that only dies in the end)
“Thank you,” I say gratefully, although it makes me feel awkward. What to say? “Maybe…”
“Mou, what’s with that mushy talk?” Yamapi complains and it amazes me how sensitive this guy actually is - and how well he can hide that.
“Right,” I agree with a grin. “Should we move onto our next class?”
“What - together?!” Jun asks, mock-shocked. “Are you finally not embarrassed anymore to be seen with us?”
“No, I am,” I retort, grinning. “I have merely accepted the fact that I can’t avoid you enough not to be considered a part of our gang. So I decided to save my energy.”
“Ah,” the other nods. “I see. Well, you guys have fun at class. Unfortunately, I have to go to this stupid tutorial.”
“Stop nagging already,” Kame tells him. “You’re almost out of here. I’d be delighted.”
“I’ll take you up on that next year, okay?” Jun grins, clasping Kame’s shoulder for a moment before sweeping off to his class.
“So, party of three now,” Yamapi analyzes.
Suddenly he has one arm around me, the other around Kame. It’s not like I’m not used to it by now. He’s a physical kind of person and likes body contact. I don’t think he means much by it.
“Leave it,” Kame protests even so, shoving his friend away and trying to free us.
“It’s okay,” I assure him. “At least we can make sure he won’t hurt himself.”
“Hey, stop talking about me like I’m a freak,” Yamapi pouts.
“But you are a freak,” Kame informs him and I can’t help grinning.
“Yeah, but you’re a really cool freak,” I say with a wink.
Yamapi does a small “damsel passing out” act. “Oh my god, he winked at me. Ryo-chan, give me a kiss.”
“Stop it already,” Kame complains, hitting the back of his head slightly.
They keep bickering kindly as we reach our class and take our seats. Things have pretty much settled down. Nobody’s even looking at me anymore. People mainly leave me be and I try not to make any kind of fuss anymore.
~* Boku ni wa nanika dekiru darou? Yume no tame ni yume miru koto...konna boku wo warau kai? *~
(What can I possibly do? Having dreams for the sake of dreams...are you laughing at me for being this way?)
“Good morning, everybody,” Kobayashi-san greets us as he comes in. He gets a muffled greeting back, as he arranges his things on his desk. “Okay, first I’ll give you your personal test results. The official list will be available at the front by lunch, but I checked your results so I can give them to you. I won’t read them out, you can make your own comparisons later. Just one thing that might be interesting for everybody, the top student ranking number one is sitting in this class.” There is some muttering, which he ignores. “Nishikido Ryo,” he says and I blink in surprise. “Congratulations, young man. When you came here we thought you’d get lost along the way, but you’ve really improved big time. This is quite an achievement and the school is, of course, very happy about it.”
“T-thank you,” I stutter, suddenly feeling embarrassed.
The rest of the class passes by without any further special announcements. Naturally, during lunch break there was a big fuss about the test results.
“Wow, you really ranked in first,” Pi gapes, pointing at my name at the top of the list. “You sure must have worked a lot.”
“This is really cool,” Jun agrees, grasping my shoulder. “You’ll have a bright future here, I just wish I could see more of it.”
“You had better make sure your finals turn out half as good,” Kame suggests, “or else you will get to see more than you actually want of our further careers.”
“Aw, and there I thought you’d be happy if I stayed here with you,” Jun fake-pouts.
“I really just want to get home today,” I sigh.
“Hey, aren’t you happy?” Yamapi asks.
“Oh, you know him,” Kame shrugs. “Any kind of bigger attention makes him feel uncomfortable. Even when it’s something like this.”
“But this is good for you,” Jun addresses me. “It means you won’t have trouble finding a good university.”
“That’s true,” I nod. “I just hope I can live up to everybody’s expectations.”
“You’ll be doing fine,” Jun assures me and I smile. “Oh my god,” he suddenly bursts out as his eyes brush the big clock. “Gotta run,” he simply states, storming off. “Sorry, I’ll be seeing you guys.”
I blink after him. “What…?”
~* Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Mirai wo kaete yume to zetsubou wo ryoute no naka ni... *~
(Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Change the future, dreams and despair held in both hands...)
“Gotta be Sho-kun,” Yamapi grins and Kame nods in agreement.
“Who?”
“Sho-kun,” Kame explains. “He graduated last year. You should have seen him. He was like the star of the school. There’s nobody like him here now. Everybody loved him, really. Just Jun loved him especially, if you know what I mean. He still comes by and helps with official school stuff.”
“What - they’re a couple?” I gasp out.
“Sssshhhhhhhhhhhh!” Yamapi hushes me. “Nobody… well, everybody knows, of course, but nobody ever mentions it. It’s like… unofficial.”
“Ah, okay,” I mutter. “I just didn’t think… Jun…”
“He doesn’t quite look like it,” Kame agrees.
“You don’t think you could… tell by looking at someone?” I ask, sounding wary.
“Not generally, of course,” he explains. “But well… some people just show more.”
I still eye him skeptically.
“Relax, mate, he’s not talking about you,” Yamapi assures me.
“Wow, that’s good to hear.” I roll my eyes at him. Then I shoot him a glance from the corner of my eyes. “I’d be gay for you, though.” He bites his lip for a second and I can’t help laughing. “Oh wow, our playboy’s intimidated?”
“Oh, he couldn’t manage a guy like you,” Kame cuts in.
Something in his voice sounds off, but I have no time to think about it as Jun comes back in, another guy in his vague. I assume it must be that Sho-guy. He really is good-looking.
~* Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys Bokura wa yume mite yogosarete...mata mezameteiku *~
(Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys Those of us who dream and disgrace ourselves, we'll wake up again)
“There he is,” Jun states, making an introductory gesture towards me. “Nishikido-kun.”
“Hello, there,” the other greets me. “It’s an honour to meet the top student of the third grade.”
“What are you talking about?” Jun asks, nudging his arm slightly. “You were the best third grader three years ago.”
“Oh, really?” I ask, smiling. Then I remember to pay my respects and bow. “I am Nishikido Ryo. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“I’ve heard your name before. And I’m sorry for being impolite. I am Sakurai Sho and it’s nice to meet you too.”
“Sho-kun came by because of the festival after the finals,” Jun explains and it’s basically impossible to ignore the look of admiration he shoots at Sho. “And he wanted to meet his heir, so to speak. Ah, Nishikido, the headmaster wants to see you. It’s a tradition that the best of the graduating test will make a short speech and you’re supposed to get a short briefing.”
~* [KONAGONA] ni tobichitta Kokoro to kimi no [SUTOORII]...kitto kitto owari jya nai *~
(Thrown this way and that My heart and your story...surely, surely, this is not the end)
I cringe slightly. “I’m supposed to speak? Like… in front of people?”
“No need to be nervous,” Sho assures me. “It’s basically just a longer thank you. Nothing to worry about. But you should indeed go to the headmaster’s office.”
“Okay,” I nod. “It was really nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to see me.”
“It was my pleasure,” Sho nods at me and then I head off.
****
~* Hiza wo kakaekomanai de Jibun wo kizutsukenai de...motto motto kikasete yo *~
(Don't cling to my knees anymore Don't hurt yourself, listen more and more)
Kame looks after Ryo as he rushes off. Something feels off. He can’t really put his finger on it. But something is definitely weird. At least not usual. He’s still pondering what it might be when suddenly reality smashes down on him as Yamapi addresses him silently.
“You like him, don’t you?”
~* Boku ni wa nani wo dekiru darou? Kimi no tame ni utau koto...konna boku wo warau kai? *~
(What can I possibly do? Singing just for you...are you laughing at me for being this way?)
****
“Tadaima,” I grunt out without much drive.
“Oh you’re back,” my roommate greets me. I place a cup of coffee in front of him and he beams. “Woah, Starbucks. Totally fancy.”
“You know, you could afford a thing or two if you got yourself a job,” I tell him.
He merely scoffs ,though. “What for?”
I sigh. “Jin, I totally don’t get why you’re acting like a scumbag. You’re not stupid and neither ignorant to how this world rolls. You must have some sort of plan.”
“The plan is to get someone to love me so bad they’ll do anything for me.”
“That’s not a plan,” I oppose.
“No?”
“No, that’s just a childish idea.”
“Oh, really?”
Suddenly something hits me, drags me over and throws me down on my bed and next time I blink I see Jin hovering over me, his face so close I almost get cross-eyed trying to look into his eyes.
“What are you doing?” I demand.
“Well, you’d be a nice catch,” Jin informs me and before I can say anything else he presses his lips on mine and my breath catches.
~* Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Mirai wo kaete ketahazure no [BORYUUMU] de *~
(Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Change the future, with deafening volume)
It’s not my first kiss. Not even my first kiss with a guy. But I feel like a truck just hit me. It’s not like I dislike Jin. And I’m a committed bi-phile person. Still, there are some things that are just… not cool. I push him back forcefully, giving him a good glare.
“What do you think I am?” I ask sharply. “I don’t fall for gold diggers.”
“That’s not very nice,” Jin complains, but he retreats and I heave a sigh of relief.
“Hey, relax,” Jin tells me. “It’s not like I’d do anything - unless you want me to.”
“Right, I’ll inform you when I get desperate enough to let you do me.”
“Oh dear, I’ll never get a guy like you,” Jin whines, flopping down on his own bed.
“Most probably not,” I tease with a grin. “But you can always try being a host. Then you’ll get an idea.”
“Jerk,” Jin drags out, throwing his pillow without even looking.
“Hey, wanna grab some dinner?”
“Broke,” Jin mutters into his mattress.
I roll my eyes. “Okay, that’s it. I’ll invite you out tonight. And tomorrow, you’re going to get yourself a job, young man.”
“Great, now I remember why I ran from my parents’ house,” Jin grunts, but he sits up again.
I can’t help feeling a bit angry at that. “Boy, you sure have some problems. How dare your parents try to get you to learn to support yourself?”
“And what do you know?” he suddenly bites at me. “My parents… All I ever was to them was the stupid heir to their fucking company. And you know what’s really fucked up? Everybody always just kept saying how they merely wanted me to have a good life and be successful and shit. Nobody ever listened. Nobody came, they didn’t even help me when I asked for it. So I decided I had to do something myself. I’m not here because I’m a lazy slop. I’m here because my father got me fucking pills to stay up so I could study more and better and harder. I mean it. He bought the stuff and he didn’t simply hand me the bottle. He checked I would take them, like some strange kind of medicine. First thing I did as I got here was signing up for rehab.”
I stare at him, not sure what to say. I feel like a jerk.
“I’m sorry,” I stutter. “I didn’t…”
“Forget it,” he waves me off. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak like that. Usually I don’t give a shit. It’s only natural you’d get a certain kind of idea. That’s actually something I want.”
“But why?”
~* Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys Haruka na mirai wa...sora no taiyou wa donna iro ni shiteru? *~
(Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys In the distant future...what color will the sun in the sky be?)
“It’s not like I don’t want to do anything with my life,” Jin smiles at me. “It’s fun to drive them mad with this here, though.”
“That’s stupid,” I retort. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I get the idea, but… If you really want to set them up, the best way to do it is to achieve something that you really want - your own way.”
Jin looks at me for a moment, not saying or doing anything. Then he gets up.
“Gosh, you’re such an old man,” he informs me as his hand tousles my hair playfully. “Come on, shorty, I’m hungry,” he mutters as he walks by and out the door.
I blink after him for a second, then I roll my eyes. “You know, you should be nice to the person who’s buying you dinner.”
“I tried to be nice,” Jin reminds me.
“That’s not what I mean.”
****
“So, are you nervous about your speech?” Yamapi asks, looking excited.
“Gosh, leave him alone already,” Kame cuts in. “He hasn’t taken a single bite of his lunch just yet.”
“Right, you must eat, Ryo-chan,” the other agrees. “You’re way too thin.”
“Why don’t you lend him some of your flesh,” Kame suggests teasingly.
“Are you saying I’m fat?” Yamapi pouts and I can’t help laughing.
“No, no, you’re not fat,” Kame assures him. “Besides, a lot of people appreciate a love handle.”
“You are so dead,” Yamapi announces, throwing his pudding at Kame.
“What on earth is this?” Jun asks as he comes to sit with us. He’s late today. Probably had some additional work to do. Senior class must really be very intense. “Guys, please, I don’t expect you to act as role models,” he continues. “But please, do you think you can show an attitude that resembles someone at least older than ten?”
“Oh, I think they are hilarious,” I grin at him.
“Yeah, a good two weeks and you’re their guide,” Jun sighs. “Look at them - totally helpless.” He gives me an intense look and for a second I think he must want to say something important, but his voice gives away the joke. “Ryo, please… you must take good care of them. Once I’m not here anymore to look after all of you, you will have to take my place.”
“I’ll give it my very best,” I laugh.
“Hey, you were just a little weirdo when we met,” Kame argues, giving Jun a pouty look.
“Yeah,” Yamapi agrees. “We made you cool.”
“I’ll forever be grateful,” Jun winks at him. “Finish your lunch, guys, I’ll just grab a sandwich today.”
~* Yume wo motanai koto yori Yume no tame ni naite kizutsuku hou ga [II]tte...sou omoun da yo *~
(More than not having dreams at all it's much better to cry and be hurt for the sake of dreaming...that's what I think for sure)
The rest of the school day passes by quickly and feels pretty unspectacular. As we leave school Jun excuses himself, babbling some unintelligible stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Yamapi and Kame agree that it must have something to do with Sho, but I’m not really listening. I keep thinking about that speech I’m supposed to make. It makes my guts twist painfully. As my gaze brushes a scene ahead, my stomach flips completely.
“Er… guys?”
“Huh?” Kame makes.
“What is it?” Yamapi asks with a frown.
I merely point a finger at what I’ve spotted. There’s one of the Junior students. I’ve seen him around school, but I don’t remember his name. That’s not what’s important right now, though. There is a group of other youngsters standing around him. Going by their uniforms they’re from the near-by private high school. It’s obvious what they’re doing. Even while they’re not hurting him the intimidating air is notable even from a distance. We watch for a moment, wondering what to do. Then they start to hit him and we all run off in the very same second.
“Hey,” Yamapi bursts out loudly, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“Shit, seniors,” I hear one of the guys hiss. “Come on, let’s go.”
The entire group rushes off quickly. Most probably they’re trying to stay anonymous, which is understandable. I really didn’t say any of their faces. I’m just glad they fled immediately. Kame instantly checks on the guy sitting on the ground.
“Hey, Kitayama-kun.” Right, that was his name. “Are you okay?”
Kitayama merely grunts, but gives a nod.
“Come on, we’ll take you back to school and get you patched up. Koichi’s an expert.”
“It’s okay,” Kitayama finally presses out. “I just want to go home.”
~* Ima...boku ga shindemo sekai wa kawari wa shinai Demo ne...ikiteiku koto de mirai wa kitto kawatteiku *~
(Now...even if I were to die, the world wouldn't change at all But, you see...by continuing to live, I'll change the future for sure)
“Did they take anything from you?” I ask, feeling quite useless.
“Nothing I can’t live without.”
The moment I want to grab his arm I hear a rough voice behind me.
“What is this?”
“Oh, Sho-kun,” Kame sighs in relief. “Listen, there…”
Sho ignores him, though, and rather addresses Kitayama, who is still trying to get up.
“Did they do this to you?” Sho asks directly.
Everybody stares. Well, I’m not sure but it’s all that I can do. Fortunately Jun comes up to save us.
“Ah, Sho-kun, that’s really quite impossible. These guys are my…”
“Yeah, they did it,” Kitayama presses out and I feel how my knees are about to give out. What did he just say? “They’ve been doing it for weeks. They wait for me after school and… they force me to hand them my money and if I don’t do it, then…” He breaks off.
I can’t believe it. This guy should be an actor. If I hadn’t witnessed the scene before, I’d believe him. Jun and Yamapi are obviously just as shocked as I am because neither of them speaks up. Jun, however, comes forth again.
“Stop talking nonsense,” he demands. “Tell us who really did it.”
“But I’m saying it as it is,” Kitayama assures him. “I don’t know why they’re picking on me.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“You think it’s ridiculous?” Sho asks, his voice tight. “Look at the boy. He’s a total mess.”
“Well, I’m not saying nothing happened,” Jun argues. “But… not them. Never.”
“They’re here, though,” Sho counters. “And I don’t see anybody else.”
Jun gives us a helpless look.
“We saw who did it,” Kame finally relates. “It was a group of five. They threatened him and then they started hitting him. We came to help and they ran.”
Jun nods at him, but Sho inspects him sternly. “So you saw who did it?”
Kame blinks. Uh-oh. This is not good. “Well,” Kame stutters, “not… close-up.”
“What does that mean?” Sho presses the point. “Can you identify them?”
“Ah… no,” Kame admits.
“But you just said you saw who did it.”
“Well, that…”
“That was a lie,” Sho concludes. “It’s obvious. You made this up, but you fucked it up.”
I don’t really know what else was said, or how we moved from the scene. Everything is blurred in my head, it’s spinning and I feel like throwing up. The surroundings are faintly familiar. The headmaster’s office? I still try to organize my thoughts when a single word seeps through my foggy mind.
“…suspended.”
Oh shit.
~* Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Mirai wo kaete ketahazure no [BORYUUMU] de *~
(Coming Century 20+∞ Century Boys Change the future, with deafening volume)
~* Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys Haruka na mirai wa...sora no taiyou wa donna iro ni shiteru? *~
(Dream come true. 20+∞ Century Boys In the distant future...what color will the sun in the sky be?)
____________
*Squall Leonheart is a main character in the RPG “Final Fantasy VIII” whose characteristic is that he is closed up, not communicative and rude towards other people.
**Bad Luck is the name of an idol band in the Manga series “Gravitation”
Part 2 is here