(no subject)
I like to pretend that the reason I've been staying up so late over the past couple of days is because I've been playing too many video games, or reading too much, or some other silly shit like that.
In truth, I've been staying up so late because nothing I do can put my mind at peace. I'm exhausted physically, and want nothing more than to sleep, but the ever-present fear and profound loneliness keeps screaming in my head, incessantly, so I stay up and try to read things and occupy my mind on happier thoughts than family (or lack thereof) and what my future holds.
I picked the worst possible time to have read Childhood's End. What a bleak book. Now I can't get it out of my head, and I need desperately to replace it with something comforting, but I can't do that. The last real comfort I had is my muse, and she never existed outside of my head, and I can't fucking take it any more. I need something tangible to ground me in reality. I need a real person or place to take comfort in knowing exists, but I'm running out of time to find a place like that, and I'm so fucked in the head it's not likely I'll be getting close to anyone emotionally any time soon.
In truth, I've been staying up so late because nothing I do can put my mind at peace. I'm exhausted physically, and want nothing more than to sleep, but the ever-present fear and profound loneliness keeps screaming in my head, incessantly, so I stay up and try to read things and occupy my mind on happier thoughts than family (or lack thereof) and what my future holds.
I picked the worst possible time to have read Childhood's End. What a bleak book. Now I can't get it out of my head, and I need desperately to replace it with something comforting, but I can't do that. The last real comfort I had is my muse, and she never existed outside of my head, and I can't fucking take it any more. I need something tangible to ground me in reality. I need a real person or place to take comfort in knowing exists, but I'm running out of time to find a place like that, and I'm so fucked in the head it's not likely I'll be getting close to anyone emotionally any time soon.