inert
I'm still in a state of inertia, but at least decisions finally taken form and the fear of making even more mistakes by taking the wrong path are evaporating. And slowly, the direction is becoming less of a choice, but more of a reality.
Since March, I believed I was working toward a change in career emphasis. That is out of the laboratory and into an office. I assumed that I was waiting for 9 months to pass so that DVR could pressure my employer into finding an alternative position. The first step would be to have a physician to send a form detailing my ability to work. My physician doesn't think this is in my best interest and is strongly pushing for me to apply for disability.
After nearly 10 months of not working, I feel more rested and more alert, but become easily frustrated by my lack of productivity. I had assumed that being home most days would result in a very clean apartment; that I'd be cooking and baking more; sewing projects would finally be finished; and I'd be cranking about film essay after film essay. Instead, I'm still overwhelmed with a heaviness and constant inability to just begin tasks. It takes so much effort just to get out of bed. I read news while sipping my tea and find myself frequently overwhelmed with all of the evil in the world. I get caught up reading the details of too many rapes and other hate crimes and when not fixated on those acts of violence, I become overwhelmed with the ways that the earth is being destroyed and cannot imagine any positive outcome in a society so driven by selfishness and greed.
But perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There must be. I'm a trained projectionist at The Grand Illusion Cinema and a librarian at the Center for Sex-Positive Culture. And these two volunteer activities are combining into something interesting. Due to my love of cinema and my recent curiosity about mainstream pornography, I've taken on the project of categorizing, viewing, and curating the library's video collection. Even thinking about this task fills me with more energy than I've had in months. That still isn't much, but more than before.
I'm going to try to blog more often about these personal issues. I need to track my mood and anyway, I should be using this inactivity to at least start doing some much needed soul searching. Seems I've no longer know exactly who I am and what I'm searching for. Perhaps just hoping I'll recognize it when I find it isn't sufficient.
Since March, I believed I was working toward a change in career emphasis. That is out of the laboratory and into an office. I assumed that I was waiting for 9 months to pass so that DVR could pressure my employer into finding an alternative position. The first step would be to have a physician to send a form detailing my ability to work. My physician doesn't think this is in my best interest and is strongly pushing for me to apply for disability.
After nearly 10 months of not working, I feel more rested and more alert, but become easily frustrated by my lack of productivity. I had assumed that being home most days would result in a very clean apartment; that I'd be cooking and baking more; sewing projects would finally be finished; and I'd be cranking about film essay after film essay. Instead, I'm still overwhelmed with a heaviness and constant inability to just begin tasks. It takes so much effort just to get out of bed. I read news while sipping my tea and find myself frequently overwhelmed with all of the evil in the world. I get caught up reading the details of too many rapes and other hate crimes and when not fixated on those acts of violence, I become overwhelmed with the ways that the earth is being destroyed and cannot imagine any positive outcome in a society so driven by selfishness and greed.
But perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There must be. I'm a trained projectionist at The Grand Illusion Cinema and a librarian at the Center for Sex-Positive Culture. And these two volunteer activities are combining into something interesting. Due to my love of cinema and my recent curiosity about mainstream pornography, I've taken on the project of categorizing, viewing, and curating the library's video collection. Even thinking about this task fills me with more energy than I've had in months. That still isn't much, but more than before.
I'm going to try to blog more often about these personal issues. I need to track my mood and anyway, I should be using this inactivity to at least start doing some much needed soul searching. Seems I've no longer know exactly who I am and what I'm searching for. Perhaps just hoping I'll recognize it when I find it isn't sufficient.