In limbo
As I wait for the carpet cleaners to arrive, it seemed a fine time to attempt to begin to unload a long story. I'm sure I won't get through all of it today, but it seems like a good plan to try to improve my mental health. Shrug. Couldn't hurt.
My last day at work was March 23rd. I have not been fired, but when I was pressured to resign, I turned in paperwork to go on medical leave. At first, this was a move to buy time, assuming that I'd be able to find another job before my paid leave ran out. But it wasn't exactly easy to pick up and begin the job search. I quickly discovered that I was feeling exhausted and completely without motivation. I had underestimated just how much fatigue I'd been experiencing and slept away most of April.
Now I recognize that depression is the main force that is keeping me paralyzed. Things are improving slowly, but there are so many difficult decisions remaining. I have been treated for major depressive disorder since probably 99, but a couple of years ago, I was feeling so good and very optimistic that I no longer needed to continue treatment. Last summer, I felt the first pangs of depression returning, but I had just gotten a lay off notice from one job and was starting a new one. Seemed that feeling a little down and overwhelmed would be a normal reaction.
But I was unable to shake it and with having to stop work, it ate away at me relentlessly. After being unable to leave home for close to a week, itterally unable to control the frequent onslaught of tears, I finally agreed to restart treatment and began counciling for the first time in probably a decade. And it is helping. While I'm still not working or even applying for work, I am slowing sorting out my life. First, there was three days of cognitive tests to determine whether I'm finally experiencing cognitive deficits due to MS. I am. Although, not as obvious cognitive problems as most. And it was just as I expected to find. I think more slowly these days and tire more easily. Meaning, I require more time to complete tasks than I used to.
And what this boils down to is that I need to find a new line of work. This is actually good news. I am finished with science after 12 years of defeat. I just wish I had more ideas of where to go from here, but soon I will have help sorting this out.
And this time away form work has resulted in more time spent volunteering. I got to use the pushier side of my personality to keep hoards of movie-goers in the correct lines and ready with tickets in hand. I'd forgotten just how pushy I can be given the obvious authority of a volunteer tee-shirt. That was actually quite fun. I've also thrown myself into learning to project 35mm film. So far, I've projected Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid and Tokyo Story. This week, we're showing Headshot, which is on BluRay, so no additional practice this week. Sadly, by next year, distributers are going to stop sending out film and digital projection will become the norm, but here's hoping that film lives on. And I've started volunteering at the CSPC as a librarian. It is great fun being in charge the the largest collection of sexuality materials in the US for a few hours a week. And as a result, I'm delving into porn, which isn't exactly a film medium that I enjoy, but am still curious about the spectrum of offerings. Maybe I should begin to review them...
Counciling is still wierd. I'm never certain what I should be getting out of it, but maybe just checking in with someone every two weeks is helpful for prioritizing my life and determining exactly what I should be working on while in this between work, no cash, seemingly unending limbo.