A few suggestions
anonymous
October 29 2009, 02:27:44 UTC
Most of the authors I know appreciate constructive criticism, so I'd like to offer a few comments in that spirit--constructively, respectfully, and not intended to offend you personally.
1. The complete lack of indirect characterization in this story is a huge flaw. Try showing rather than telling sometimes--it makes for a much better read.
2. The plot is trite and cliched. I could predict the basic outline of the plot from the first couple of paragraphs. Also, with minimal changes to dialogue and character names, this story could appear in almost any fandom. It simply isn't original--it isn't even a very original spin on a traditional storyline.
3. Characterization of Alan and Billy is flat and simplistic. I know the mmovies don't give you a lot to go on, but try and use your imagination rather than writing them like characters from a Danielle Steele novel who just happen to have spent some time with dinosaurs lately. Remember these are /grown men/ who have complex lives, relationships, and reactions. Try thinking up a situation and then imagining what Alan or Billy would actually say if they were real, rather than just what you want the to say because you think it sounds romantic.
4. You have your characters growling and sighing a lot--like, every couple of paragraphs. You might try to use more nuanced verbs to reflect subtler expressions of more complex emotions. You might try to be more subtle in your writing in general--but that goes back to "show, don't tell."
5. To me, at least, the medically-focused scenes seem choppy and unrealistic. It feels like you overuse medical terms without really knowing what you're talking about. I think, in those scenes, less might be more. The dialogue between Alan and the ER doctor was particularly difficult to read--though in that case it was because it was too vague and doesn't sound like any conversation with any doctor I've ever had or overheard.
1. The complete lack of indirect characterization in this story is a huge flaw. Try showing rather than telling sometimes--it makes for a much better read.
2. The plot is trite and cliched. I could predict the basic outline of the plot from the first couple of paragraphs. Also, with minimal changes to dialogue and character names, this story could appear in almost any fandom. It simply isn't original--it isn't even a very original spin on a traditional storyline.
3. Characterization of Alan and Billy is flat and simplistic. I know the mmovies don't give you a lot to go on, but try and use your imagination rather than writing them like characters from a Danielle Steele novel who just happen to have spent some time with dinosaurs lately. Remember these are /grown men/ who have complex lives, relationships, and reactions. Try thinking up a situation and then imagining what Alan or Billy would actually say if they were real, rather than just what you want the to say because you think it sounds romantic.
4. You have your characters growling and sighing a lot--like, every couple of paragraphs. You might try to use more nuanced verbs to reflect subtler expressions of more complex emotions. You might try to be more subtle in your writing in general--but that goes back to "show, don't tell."
5. To me, at least, the medically-focused scenes seem choppy and unrealistic. It feels like you overuse medical terms without really knowing what you're talking about. I think, in those scenes, less might be more. The dialogue between Alan and the ER doctor was particularly difficult to read--though in that case it was because it was too vague and doesn't sound like any conversation with any doctor I've ever had or overheard.
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1. If you disliked it and my writing ability so much, why continue reading?
2. If you're going to attempt to improve the masses writing, why not be bold enough to do so under your name, rather than hiding behind anonymous?
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