Aftermath
I ought to post about my mother's death, but I don't have a great deal to say at the moment.
Over the 19 days from when they told us she was going to die, there was at least one of the family with her every day. Her state was very much up and down, but she had a particularly good day on Saturday when my brother and his partner were with us. She was not so good on Sunday, but as she had been alternating good days and bad that was not unexpected, and I left for the night at about quarter to eight. At quarter past nine, the hospital rang to say she had just taken a turn for the worse, so I got into her car and drove back, but she had already gone - from what they told me, I think the final stage took about ten to fifteen minutes. I had heard before that it is not unusual for people to die while the family are absent, as if to save them trouble, though I would have preferred to be with her. She was not alone as a doctor and nurse were in attendance. I stayed with her for about an hour, and read her Auden's Lullaby, which she once told me Paddy had quoted in his first letter to her, and then I went home to her flat.
Everybody expects me to be emotional, but at present I feel very little emotion, so I probably haven't absorbed it yet. (I do have tearful moments, but they are almost invariably a response to someone being tearful at me, so don't really count as my own.) I'm hoping I can defer any powerful feelings until after the funeral, as I want to give a fair performance of the Lullaby in public. I did hear something today that might cause me to break, but with luck I won't have to deal with it until the end of the ceremony, which would be fine.
There is a lot of admin, which I quite enjoy, but I desperately need to get back to proper work as I've lost about a month at a time of year when we really can't afford it. At least I can skip Christmas, which I've been planning to do one year for a very long time...
Thanks to all who have written to express their sympathy, and to those too who have just thought it, as I sense and appreciate it either way.
Also posted on Dreamwidth, with
comments.
Over the 19 days from when they told us she was going to die, there was at least one of the family with her every day. Her state was very much up and down, but she had a particularly good day on Saturday when my brother and his partner were with us. She was not so good on Sunday, but as she had been alternating good days and bad that was not unexpected, and I left for the night at about quarter to eight. At quarter past nine, the hospital rang to say she had just taken a turn for the worse, so I got into her car and drove back, but she had already gone - from what they told me, I think the final stage took about ten to fifteen minutes. I had heard before that it is not unusual for people to die while the family are absent, as if to save them trouble, though I would have preferred to be with her. She was not alone as a doctor and nurse were in attendance. I stayed with her for about an hour, and read her Auden's Lullaby, which she once told me Paddy had quoted in his first letter to her, and then I went home to her flat.
Everybody expects me to be emotional, but at present I feel very little emotion, so I probably haven't absorbed it yet. (I do have tearful moments, but they are almost invariably a response to someone being tearful at me, so don't really count as my own.) I'm hoping I can defer any powerful feelings until after the funeral, as I want to give a fair performance of the Lullaby in public. I did hear something today that might cause me to break, but with luck I won't have to deal with it until the end of the ceremony, which would be fine.
There is a lot of admin, which I quite enjoy, but I desperately need to get back to proper work as I've lost about a month at a time of year when we really can't afford it. At least I can skip Christmas, which I've been planning to do one year for a very long time...
Thanks to all who have written to express their sympathy, and to those too who have just thought it, as I sense and appreciate it either way.
Also posted on Dreamwidth, with
comments.