I See You...
Well, no, not really. What I'm trying to do is see "me", which sounds as simple as looking into a mirror and yet can be far more fucking difficult. Frankly, I'm a little at a loss to figure out precisely what I need to figure out.
If that sounds contradictory, well... I reckon you've never tried it.
I have things in my brain and being, triggers of emotion, that I need to understand. Since I firmly believe that writing something out helps one to see facets of a concept and truly grasp it, naturally I'm writing some stuff down.
I'd love to make a list and move down it point by point, noting what I need to do and how to measure my progress and have a nice, neat, organized way of accomplishing things on a friggin' timetable. (well, I would and I wouldn't. There's something in that notion that displeases me at the core)
But I can't, not yet.
See, the first step is to commit myself to doing the things that make me happy, and it's been a long time since I took a long look at what really makes me happy. There are things I love doing, but I've taken to using those things as a way of staving off depression instead of doing them for the joy of just doin' 'em.
I want that joy back.
Sex was one of those things. It's a painful thing to look at, and I fear for losing my enjoyment of it, but the fact is that I used physical affection and sensation to reassure myself that I was/am desirable, wanted, worthy of being pleased and able to please others. Sure, those aren't bad things, but it also leads to a hollowness (eventually) because the core of it, the place where I really needed to address stuff, went ignored.
So why do I love sex so much? Aside from the physical sensation, of course. The closeness, the intimacy, even the awkwardness are enjoyable... but what was I getting out of it? Why did I need that specific thing to make me feel whole?
When I was young, oh so long ago, I would fantasize about girls... not because of the sex, but because I wanted to feel liked. If a woman liked me enough, we could have sex and then, naturally, I wouldn't feel lonely.
Spent a lot of time alone, so much so that I began to think that nobody really wanted to know me or be around me. Loneliness... makes puppies cry and grown men weep. Struck me pretty hard, particularly since I rarely had a sense of belonging prior to age fourteen, and not even really then. So sex became my way of being popular. I would seek it out because I wanted to believe that it meant I wouldn't feel alone. People who are alone aren't happy, by popular interpretation, so...
Loneliness. Deal with that, find out what's so scary about it and confront that and maybe my neuroses about loneliness will be alleviated. Hopefully I won't lose my interest in sex. (tongue in cheek, that, but some seriousness as well)
What's so bad about being alone?
Well, if you're young and afraid all the time, being alone means that you have to deal with your fears all by yourself. There's no one to protect you from The Bad Things. You might be hurt by someone. You might get hurt. You can't be happy when you're alone, after all... (I know, I know, but the very young don't often know any better)
I got left alone a lot when I was growing up. Mom would be working, or taking a night out with friends. Then I would spend time hiding from my uncle and grandparents, who were abusive people.
Hiding and being "alone" at that time meant withdrawing, pulling away and being inconspicuous so I wouldn't get hurt. These days, pain is just pain and I decline to let fear of it rule me... but back then it was horrible. Not because of the pain itself, but because it meant that I was getting actively hurt again and there was nothing I could do about it.
Helplessness.
All right, that's something that resonates. A lot of what I've done, from learning to fight to being perfectly willing to kill to hiding what I'm feeling has been done to assure myself that I'm not really helpless. After all, if I don't value someone, I'm not helpless... I just don't care, right?
And if you can fight, you're not helpless (which is not true, but movies and television don't often admit that. It's not good for the story).
Hell, being willing to kill people came from that too. A killer ain't helpless, after all, and if you're a stone-cold killer then you always have another option that most people won't utilize.
So am I helpless?
In a sense, yes. I don't know what's going to make that feeling go away, so sort of, yes. At the same time, if I can embrace the understanding that I'm not alone in being helpless, then I can remind myself that it's not the end of the world. It may or may not work, but at least I can see my enemy now.
So what do I love doing?
Poker is something I enjoy. The element of chance; the way people can be involved in something even if they're not actively in the hand; the casual chat around the table; the excitement of a good hand. And you just really aren't apt to lose money if you're decently lucky and careful. Still can, that's poker, but it's less likely.
I enjoy talking to people about things, visiting and just shooting the shit. At least, certain people. I want to do that more, I think, and while it does tie in with poker nicely there's something to be said for just chillin' around a fire and being there.
I like feeling useful. If I can create something or refine it to be more efficient or just repair something... it makes me feel good. Less helpless, for starters, but also I enjoy knowing stuff and knowing how to DO stuff is pretty fun.
That's all a side-bar. How does my aversion to loneliness affect me? What choices does it prompt me to make, and are they choices I would make if I weren't worried about that empty feeling?
Poker. People, chatter, et cetera. Could be loneliness prompting that, but I've gone to play when I had people who wanted to hang out, which means I'm not going just so I won't be lonely. Means it is, in my limited understanding of myself, an acceptable hobby.
Good.
Man, lame as it sounds, I do like walking around. Mostly at night, because you have privacy and can think and imagine and be alone. Or you can walk around with someone and have company while you're moving. I've gone and done that when I had the option of company, but not too many times, and not when the company was really good. Well, or they'd walk with me. ~shrug~ Which means I do like doing it, I reckon, and I want to get back into that. I can visualize just walking around by myself and I do draw a sense of satisfaction from the idea. It appeals, regardless of whether anyone is with me, so a plus for that.
I won't say I love working out... but I do like that I do it. Getting toward being in the physical condition I want to be in so that I can move like I want to is important to me. A little for the sense that being in good shape is appealing to others, and makes you less likely to be attacked, but the reality is that a bullet doesn't care how many pounds you can lift or miles you can run.
But freedom of movement within my own body is something I crave. To be able to reach and stretch and just move how I want appeals. It alleviates the sense of being trapped in a physicality, so... it's worth pursuing.
Fear of loneliness encourages me to lash out at others. It also helps me shut down and not communicate with others. If I'm all cold and drawn in then nothing can hurt me, and I can hurt others by not talking to them. Snub them so that they hurt too. ~headshake~ That's just destructive and unhelpful. Too much snubbing back and forth, escalation syndrome, and you've got a very real case of "lonely" going on that you not only helped along but you've also earned.
So some things I should practice doing.
To Do: Communicate with people. Honestly and without rancor. Those who love me will try to hear me, and while that doesn't promise success at least the attempt was made. It's usually appreciated, too.
Fact: closing down and shutting people out doesn't make me feel less lonely; it does make things worse.
To Do: Stop worrying about whether someone is going to come with me or spend time with me or whatever. I really want to get into doing what I want to do and if someone wants to come along, great! If not, whatever it is should still be worth doing.
I've spent a lot of time doing things I didn't want to do either to be with other people or not be alone, and passed on doing the things I wanted to do because no one else wanted to come.
Sometimes you can bow to the will of the group... but if it matters to me, if I really want to go swimming or take a nap, I should do those things and catch up with folks later. We have sophisticated communication devices called "phones" now and they're mobile; I can find 'em when I'm done.
Fact: Ignoring my needs makes me self-destructive and sad. I get desperate for... attention? For assurances. I get worked up about having "nothing to do", when there are things I could actually go and do if I would just do 'em.
That wasn't easy. It wasn't too terribly hard, but it's definitely working an emotional muscle I haven't flexed in a long time.
I'm a little curious about how long it's going to take me to integrate these ideas into my life. I know I just want to start doing them, but I wrote 'em out to remind myself that THIS is what I wanted to try. If they work, awesome; they'll become part of my arsenal to be wielded against my inner demons. If they don't work, at least I've made a good effort.
I hope there will be more to come, more personal development, more introspection AND progress. I'm not going to push this unreasonably, however. Getting psychotic about it would be self-defeating, after all.
It's a little exciting, being back in the saddle of trying to improve my life. A little scary too. But the fact is that my life, as it was and as I was living it, wasn't much of a life at all.
Fact: If I'm not actively going to live my life, I'm wasting it. And I don't want to waste it.