Mockscript: "The First Commandment"
We haven't had an SG-1 parody script in a long time, and I just re-watched "The First Commandment" for the discussion on redial_the_gate. Also, aurora-novarum has poked me for more parodies and provided the term "mockscript", which I may adopt permanently since it's handier than "parody script". So let's see if I can't limber-up the old parody muscles. I cracked myself up repeatedly while writing this, which is either a good sign or a very bad one. Anyway!
EPISODE: 1-6 "The First Commandment"
[EXT. DARK ALIEN PLANET. CONNORS and REDSHIRT ANTHROPOLOGIST run from a horde of HOSTILE NATIVES.]
HOSTILE NATIVES: We have blowpipes and giant potato hats!!
REDSHIRT ANTHROPOLOGIST: Ow, blowpipe darts! Save yourself, Connors!
CONNORS: Okay! *dials gate and hides*
[CAPT. CRAZYPANTS and his MINION approach.]
CRAZYPANTS: I am crazy and evil for reasons that will be discussed after the first commercial break! Check it out: *shoots redshirt anthropologist*
MINION: I'm evil, too, though my evilness will go entirely unexplained! *burns body*
ME: Oh, thank goodness, I don't have to keep mis-typing "anthropologist" any more.
[EXT. SAME PLANET, DAYTIME. SG-1 exit the Gate and begin applying sunblock.]
JACK: Okay, who wants to hang a lantern on the omnipresent trees?
DANIEL: Me!
JACK: And someone should cover how this planet has really mad UV radiation.
DANIEL: Me again!
TEAL'C: With some assistance from myself.
SAM: There aren't any birds.
JACK: Thank you, Legolas. Daniel, go wander off alone so someone can jump you.
DANIEL: You got it! *does so*
CONNORS: Rarr!
JACK: Hi!
CONNORS: Oh, good, more good guys! *collapses*
[SG-1 and CONNORS huddle for some EXPOSITION.]
JACK: So what's going on?
CONNORS: Capt. Crazypants.
JACK: I'm going to need a few more details than that.
CONNORS: The natives think he's their god and he concurs. Also, he's now evil. He killed a redshirt, just in case you need proof of his evilness.
JACK: Okay, Carter, we need to establish that Crazypants used to be engaged to you.
SAM: Done.
JACK: Now, take Connors back to the SGC with you and fill them in while I take Daniel and Teal'c after Crazypants.
SAM and CONNOR: *are insubordinate*
JACK: Nobody ever does what I tell them.
ME: Get used to it.
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR. MINION reports to CAPT. CRAZYPANTS.]
MINION: SG-1 in the hizzous!
CRAZYPANTS: You'd think a god could afford better sunblock.
[EXT. FOREST. SG-1 and CONNOR set up dome tents, a fire pit and a bear-deterrent perimeter.]
DANIEL: So, how did Capt. Crazypants turn evil?
CONNORS: Well it all started when the natives started worshiping him. Our anthropologist...
ME: Damnit! I always skip that last "o"...
CONNORS: ...said it might be best to just go along with the whole worshiping thing, but then Capt. Crazypants spent a few days in the high-UV sunlight and things just went downhill from there.
TEAL'C: How downhill?
CONNORS: Very. As in staking people out in the sun to die of sunburn.
JACK: And on that pleasant note: to bed!
[EXT. CRAZYPANTS'S PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
CRAZYPANTS: Still evil, over here. Just FYI.
[EXT. SG-1'S CAMP. SG-1 and CONNOR sleep on the ground, no doubt reserving the dome tents for all their extra hats.]
HOSTILE NATIVES: Boo!
TEAL'C: *deploys eyebrow and staff blast*
HOSTILE NATIVES: *run in fear*
CONNOR: *gets nabbed*
JACK: Well, crap.
[EXT. CRAZYPANTS'S PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
CRAZYPANTS: Make the slaves work MORE!! Muahaha!
MINION: Dude, we get that you're evil. You can stop trying so hard.
CRAZYPANTS: Yes, we've established that I'm evil and crazy, but have we established the staggering hugeness of my grandiose delusions?
MINION: We have, now.
[EXT. FORREST. SG-1 hike toward the PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR.]
DANIEL: Crazypants just snatched Connors because he wants us to know that he's in control.
SAM: Yeah, he's really into control.
DANIEL: Kinky. Is that why you went out with him?
SAM: No, I just have this soft spot for the lunatic fringe.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: What?
SAM: His trip to Wackoland is probably due to all those years in Black Ops.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: Can I help you?
DANIEL: Well, our military does seem to favor putting unstable people in positions where they can do serious damage if they really lose it.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: Seriously, what?
TEAL'C: If you are quite finished drawing thinly-veiled parallels between Capt. Crazypants and O'Neill, we have reached the Pit-O-Slave-Labor.
[SG-1 hunker down to scan the area. CONNORS can be seen staked out to die of sunburn.]
JACK: I'm going for a jog. Wait right here, I'll be right back, and then we can exploit Sam's past relationship with Crazypants. *takes off*
DANIEL: While he's gone, I'm going to make a reference to one of the more inscrutable sections of the Old Testament.
TEAL'C: Naturally, I will ask you to elaborate.
DANIEL: And I'll give an explanation that doesn't really relate to what's going on at all but does make the whole thing sound kind of disturbing.
SAM: Hey, guys, there's a slave getting a rifle-butt to the head down there. Guys?
[DANIEL and TEAL'C are too occupied with a discussion of Kierkegaard's leap to faith to notice when SAM rolls her eyes and stomps off to intervene. JACK jogs up.]
JACK: Okay, so here's the plan...
[Below, SAM knocks CRAZYPANTS'S MINION on his ass.]
JACK: I did say to stay here, right?
DANIEL: Um...
JACK: Am I the only one here who gets the concept of "orders"?
ME: Get used to it.
JACK: You already said that.
ME: Yeah, well it bears repeating.
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR. SAM is escorted into the THRONE ROOM OF CRAZY, where CRAZYPANTS sits being attended by a rather scant and sunstroked harem.]
CRAZYPANTS: Heya, Sweetcheeks!
SAM: Bite me. What's up with the "god" thing?
CRAZYPANTS: Ah, you want to hear my megalomaniacal monologue! Have a seat! You may want to use the bathroom before I start.
SAM: I'm good.
CRAZYPANTS: Excellent. *launches into long tirade that mostly serves to further cement his status as mayor of crazytown*
[SAM, who has apparently watched enough Saturday morning television to know what to do, allows CRAZYPANTS to become engrossed in his monologue before pulling his own gun on him.]
SAM: Ha!
CRAZYPANTS: *shifting tobacco chaw into left cheek* You ain't gonna shoot me. You ain't got the guts.
[Unfortunately, SAM has not watched enough Friday night television, and so allows CRAZYPANTS to head-shrink her out of shooting him. She surrenders the gun.]
CRAZYPANTS: I knew you couldn't do it. You love to heal the emotionally wounded too much.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: You know what, that is really getting excessive.
[EXT. STREAM. A NATIVE SLAVE scoots off for a drink and nearly has the piss scared out of him by JACK, DANIEL and TEAL'C's attempt at a SMILE.]
DANIEL: Hi. We need your help.
JAMALA: Anything you want, just don't let the big guy smile at me again!
JACK: Your god is actually just a guy. And a cukoo one, at that.
JAMALA: That's a little upsetting. He's supposed to be saving my people.
TEAL'C: At the moment, he appears to be using you for pointless slave labor.
JAMALA: Yes, but if we do what he says, he'll turn on the orange light filters.
JACK: And for this you guys are willing to work to death? Not to judge, but...
JAMALA: When the orange light filters are on, nobody gets sunburned. Capt. Crazypants promised to turn them on if we were good and did all our chores.
TEAL'C: I believe this is where my knowledge of goa'uld technology comes into play.
[EXT. PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR.]
CRAZYPANTS: Aaaand I'm still crazy and evil.
SAM: No argument, here.
[EXT. FOREST.]
TEAL'C: What Jamala describes is a shield that would protect the populace from the sun's harmful rays. It would be created by a generator--
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR]
CRAZYPANTS: Like this! *pulls blanket off of shield generator with a flourish* Thing is, I can't figure out how to turn it on.
SAM: You never wanted me, you only wanted my brain! *flips hair*
CRAZYPANTS: Aw, baby, that's not true! I want you and your brain! I want you to be my goddess!
SAM: Okay, I'd be lying if I said no one's ever played the "goddess" card with me before, but in this context, it is just beyond creepy.
[EXT. FOREST]
TEAL'C: As I was saying, this field would be created by a shield generator. Or, more accurately, two shield generators. Based on the original location of the first generator, I should be able to triangulate the location of the second--
JACK: Right, well, while you do that I'm going to go rescue Connor.
[JACK swaps clothes with JAMALA and skulks off. DANIEL, TEAL'C and JAMALA go in search of the second generator which they locate, with surprising ease, under the stone floor of a ruin.]
TEAL'C: *sets staff weapon to precision cutting mode* If you'll allow me... *blows a tidy hole in the floor, exposing the shield generator*
DANIEL: Handy! I will now get this thing working using only skills that I learned as a graduate student of the social sciences!
[EXT. PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
JACK: Hi, I'm here to rescue you!
CONNORS: Kill me.
JACK: Oh dramatize. Let's go.
[CRAZYPANTS'S MINION enters, Stage Right.]
JACK: Hi! Don't suppose you could just let us go?
MINION: Maybe if you provided some insight into my character's motivation? I really have no idea why I'm here, backing up Capt. Crazypants's evil actions.
JACK: I could call you a brain-dead sycophant?
MINION: Is that the most explanation I'm going to get?
JACK: 'Fraid so.
MINION: Then I don't think I can help you. *parades Jack and Connors into Crazypants's Lair*
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR]
SAM: I can't turn it on.
CRAZYPANTS: Can.
SAM: Can't.
CRAZYPANTS: Can.
SAM: Can't!
[CRAZYPANTS'S MINION arrives with JACK and CONNORS in tow.]
CRAZYPANTS: *points gun at Jack* Can.
SAM: Fine. *turns it on* Happy?
[EXT. FOREST. The Gate has been flopped over on its side, JACK and CONNORS kneel on the steps in preparation of being made to walk the plank. NATIVES gather to hear CAPT CRAZYPANTS orate about how awesome he is.]
CRAZYPANTS: I have the power to save you all! But first, a mangled medley of portentious-sounding Biblical quotations!
SAM: You said you wouldn't kill them!
CRAZYPANTS: Yeah, well. *engages wormhole*
DANIEL: Okay, playtime's over.
JAMALA: *shoots Minion with Teal'c's staff*
MINION: *dies*
SCUFFLE: *ensues*
DANIEL: You should all know that Capt. Crazypants is not a god, he's just a guy with weird hair!
CRAZYPANTS: No! I am a god! I am, I am, I am!! Look, I can turn on the orange light filters! *flips generator's switch*
ORANGE LIGHT FILTERS: *fail to come on*
CRAZYPANTS: *tantrums*
DANIEL: See? What kind of god throws a hissy like that? Wanna see us turn the orange light filters on?
JAMALA: *fires signal shot*
TEAL'C: *flips other generator's switch*
ORANGE LIGHT FILTERS: *come on*
ANGELIC CHOIR: Aaaaaaaah!
CRAZYPANTS: *tantrums more*
NATIVES: For this whiny-ass we get terminal sunburn? Hell no!
[The NATIVES dogpile CAPT. CRAZYPANTS and toss him into the event horizon. Presumably, he splatters all over the iris on Earth. SAM looks upset but will doubtless GET OVER IT. Later, the Gate is once again upright and SG-1 prepare to decamp with CONNORS in tow.]
SAM: I have angst because I didn't take that chance to shoot Crazypants in the head.
JACK: 'S okay. I'm sure the United States military is grateful they don't have to pay for that much therapy.
[ROLL CREDITS]
EPISODE: 1-6 "The First Commandment"
[EXT. DARK ALIEN PLANET. CONNORS and REDSHIRT ANTHROPOLOGIST run from a horde of HOSTILE NATIVES.]
HOSTILE NATIVES: We have blowpipes and giant potato hats!!
REDSHIRT ANTHROPOLOGIST: Ow, blowpipe darts! Save yourself, Connors!
CONNORS: Okay! *dials gate and hides*
[CAPT. CRAZYPANTS and his MINION approach.]
CRAZYPANTS: I am crazy and evil for reasons that will be discussed after the first commercial break! Check it out: *shoots redshirt anthropologist*
MINION: I'm evil, too, though my evilness will go entirely unexplained! *burns body*
ME: Oh, thank goodness, I don't have to keep mis-typing "anthropologist" any more.
[EXT. SAME PLANET, DAYTIME. SG-1 exit the Gate and begin applying sunblock.]
JACK: Okay, who wants to hang a lantern on the omnipresent trees?
DANIEL: Me!
JACK: And someone should cover how this planet has really mad UV radiation.
DANIEL: Me again!
TEAL'C: With some assistance from myself.
SAM: There aren't any birds.
JACK: Thank you, Legolas. Daniel, go wander off alone so someone can jump you.
DANIEL: You got it! *does so*
CONNORS: Rarr!
JACK: Hi!
CONNORS: Oh, good, more good guys! *collapses*
[SG-1 and CONNORS huddle for some EXPOSITION.]
JACK: So what's going on?
CONNORS: Capt. Crazypants.
JACK: I'm going to need a few more details than that.
CONNORS: The natives think he's their god and he concurs. Also, he's now evil. He killed a redshirt, just in case you need proof of his evilness.
JACK: Okay, Carter, we need to establish that Crazypants used to be engaged to you.
SAM: Done.
JACK: Now, take Connors back to the SGC with you and fill them in while I take Daniel and Teal'c after Crazypants.
SAM and CONNOR: *are insubordinate*
JACK: Nobody ever does what I tell them.
ME: Get used to it.
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR. MINION reports to CAPT. CRAZYPANTS.]
MINION: SG-1 in the hizzous!
CRAZYPANTS: You'd think a god could afford better sunblock.
[EXT. FOREST. SG-1 and CONNOR set up dome tents, a fire pit and a bear-deterrent perimeter.]
DANIEL: So, how did Capt. Crazypants turn evil?
CONNORS: Well it all started when the natives started worshiping him. Our anthropologist...
ME: Damnit! I always skip that last "o"...
CONNORS: ...said it might be best to just go along with the whole worshiping thing, but then Capt. Crazypants spent a few days in the high-UV sunlight and things just went downhill from there.
TEAL'C: How downhill?
CONNORS: Very. As in staking people out in the sun to die of sunburn.
JACK: And on that pleasant note: to bed!
[EXT. CRAZYPANTS'S PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
CRAZYPANTS: Still evil, over here. Just FYI.
[EXT. SG-1'S CAMP. SG-1 and CONNOR sleep on the ground, no doubt reserving the dome tents for all their extra hats.]
HOSTILE NATIVES: Boo!
TEAL'C: *deploys eyebrow and staff blast*
HOSTILE NATIVES: *run in fear*
CONNOR: *gets nabbed*
JACK: Well, crap.
[EXT. CRAZYPANTS'S PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
CRAZYPANTS: Make the slaves work MORE!! Muahaha!
MINION: Dude, we get that you're evil. You can stop trying so hard.
CRAZYPANTS: Yes, we've established that I'm evil and crazy, but have we established the staggering hugeness of my grandiose delusions?
MINION: We have, now.
[EXT. FORREST. SG-1 hike toward the PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR.]
DANIEL: Crazypants just snatched Connors because he wants us to know that he's in control.
SAM: Yeah, he's really into control.
DANIEL: Kinky. Is that why you went out with him?
SAM: No, I just have this soft spot for the lunatic fringe.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: What?
SAM: His trip to Wackoland is probably due to all those years in Black Ops.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: Can I help you?
DANIEL: Well, our military does seem to favor putting unstable people in positions where they can do serious damage if they really lose it.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: Seriously, what?
TEAL'C: If you are quite finished drawing thinly-veiled parallels between Capt. Crazypants and O'Neill, we have reached the Pit-O-Slave-Labor.
[SG-1 hunker down to scan the area. CONNORS can be seen staked out to die of sunburn.]
JACK: I'm going for a jog. Wait right here, I'll be right back, and then we can exploit Sam's past relationship with Crazypants. *takes off*
DANIEL: While he's gone, I'm going to make a reference to one of the more inscrutable sections of the Old Testament.
TEAL'C: Naturally, I will ask you to elaborate.
DANIEL: And I'll give an explanation that doesn't really relate to what's going on at all but does make the whole thing sound kind of disturbing.
SAM: Hey, guys, there's a slave getting a rifle-butt to the head down there. Guys?
[DANIEL and TEAL'C are too occupied with a discussion of Kierkegaard's leap to faith to notice when SAM rolls her eyes and stomps off to intervene. JACK jogs up.]
JACK: Okay, so here's the plan...
[Below, SAM knocks CRAZYPANTS'S MINION on his ass.]
JACK: I did say to stay here, right?
DANIEL: Um...
JACK: Am I the only one here who gets the concept of "orders"?
ME: Get used to it.
JACK: You already said that.
ME: Yeah, well it bears repeating.
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR. SAM is escorted into the THRONE ROOM OF CRAZY, where CRAZYPANTS sits being attended by a rather scant and sunstroked harem.]
CRAZYPANTS: Heya, Sweetcheeks!
SAM: Bite me. What's up with the "god" thing?
CRAZYPANTS: Ah, you want to hear my megalomaniacal monologue! Have a seat! You may want to use the bathroom before I start.
SAM: I'm good.
CRAZYPANTS: Excellent. *launches into long tirade that mostly serves to further cement his status as mayor of crazytown*
[SAM, who has apparently watched enough Saturday morning television to know what to do, allows CRAZYPANTS to become engrossed in his monologue before pulling his own gun on him.]
SAM: Ha!
CRAZYPANTS: *shifting tobacco chaw into left cheek* You ain't gonna shoot me. You ain't got the guts.
[Unfortunately, SAM has not watched enough Friday night television, and so allows CRAZYPANTS to head-shrink her out of shooting him. She surrenders the gun.]
CRAZYPANTS: I knew you couldn't do it. You love to heal the emotionally wounded too much.
CAMERA: *zooms to Jack*
JACK: You know what, that is really getting excessive.
[EXT. STREAM. A NATIVE SLAVE scoots off for a drink and nearly has the piss scared out of him by JACK, DANIEL and TEAL'C's attempt at a SMILE.]
DANIEL: Hi. We need your help.
JAMALA: Anything you want, just don't let the big guy smile at me again!
JACK: Your god is actually just a guy. And a cukoo one, at that.
JAMALA: That's a little upsetting. He's supposed to be saving my people.
TEAL'C: At the moment, he appears to be using you for pointless slave labor.
JAMALA: Yes, but if we do what he says, he'll turn on the orange light filters.
JACK: And for this you guys are willing to work to death? Not to judge, but...
JAMALA: When the orange light filters are on, nobody gets sunburned. Capt. Crazypants promised to turn them on if we were good and did all our chores.
TEAL'C: I believe this is where my knowledge of goa'uld technology comes into play.
[EXT. PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR.]
CRAZYPANTS: Aaaand I'm still crazy and evil.
SAM: No argument, here.
[EXT. FOREST.]
TEAL'C: What Jamala describes is a shield that would protect the populace from the sun's harmful rays. It would be created by a generator--
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR]
CRAZYPANTS: Like this! *pulls blanket off of shield generator with a flourish* Thing is, I can't figure out how to turn it on.
SAM: You never wanted me, you only wanted my brain! *flips hair*
CRAZYPANTS: Aw, baby, that's not true! I want you and your brain! I want you to be my goddess!
SAM: Okay, I'd be lying if I said no one's ever played the "goddess" card with me before, but in this context, it is just beyond creepy.
[EXT. FOREST]
TEAL'C: As I was saying, this field would be created by a shield generator. Or, more accurately, two shield generators. Based on the original location of the first generator, I should be able to triangulate the location of the second--
JACK: Right, well, while you do that I'm going to go rescue Connor.
[JACK swaps clothes with JAMALA and skulks off. DANIEL, TEAL'C and JAMALA go in search of the second generator which they locate, with surprising ease, under the stone floor of a ruin.]
TEAL'C: *sets staff weapon to precision cutting mode* If you'll allow me... *blows a tidy hole in the floor, exposing the shield generator*
DANIEL: Handy! I will now get this thing working using only skills that I learned as a graduate student of the social sciences!
[EXT. PIT-O-SLAVE-LABOR]
JACK: Hi, I'm here to rescue you!
CONNORS: Kill me.
JACK: Oh dramatize. Let's go.
[CRAZYPANTS'S MINION enters, Stage Right.]
JACK: Hi! Don't suppose you could just let us go?
MINION: Maybe if you provided some insight into my character's motivation? I really have no idea why I'm here, backing up Capt. Crazypants's evil actions.
JACK: I could call you a brain-dead sycophant?
MINION: Is that the most explanation I'm going to get?
JACK: 'Fraid so.
MINION: Then I don't think I can help you. *parades Jack and Connors into Crazypants's Lair*
[INT. CRAZYPANTS'S LAIR]
SAM: I can't turn it on.
CRAZYPANTS: Can.
SAM: Can't.
CRAZYPANTS: Can.
SAM: Can't!
[CRAZYPANTS'S MINION arrives with JACK and CONNORS in tow.]
CRAZYPANTS: *points gun at Jack* Can.
SAM: Fine. *turns it on* Happy?
[EXT. FOREST. The Gate has been flopped over on its side, JACK and CONNORS kneel on the steps in preparation of being made to walk the plank. NATIVES gather to hear CAPT CRAZYPANTS orate about how awesome he is.]
CRAZYPANTS: I have the power to save you all! But first, a mangled medley of portentious-sounding Biblical quotations!
SAM: You said you wouldn't kill them!
CRAZYPANTS: Yeah, well. *engages wormhole*
DANIEL: Okay, playtime's over.
JAMALA: *shoots Minion with Teal'c's staff*
MINION: *dies*
SCUFFLE: *ensues*
DANIEL: You should all know that Capt. Crazypants is not a god, he's just a guy with weird hair!
CRAZYPANTS: No! I am a god! I am, I am, I am!! Look, I can turn on the orange light filters! *flips generator's switch*
ORANGE LIGHT FILTERS: *fail to come on*
CRAZYPANTS: *tantrums*
DANIEL: See? What kind of god throws a hissy like that? Wanna see us turn the orange light filters on?
JAMALA: *fires signal shot*
TEAL'C: *flips other generator's switch*
ORANGE LIGHT FILTERS: *come on*
ANGELIC CHOIR: Aaaaaaaah!
CRAZYPANTS: *tantrums more*
NATIVES: For this whiny-ass we get terminal sunburn? Hell no!
[The NATIVES dogpile CAPT. CRAZYPANTS and toss him into the event horizon. Presumably, he splatters all over the iris on Earth. SAM looks upset but will doubtless GET OVER IT. Later, the Gate is once again upright and SG-1 prepare to decamp with CONNORS in tow.]
SAM: I have angst because I didn't take that chance to shoot Crazypants in the head.
JACK: 'S okay. I'm sure the United States military is grateful they don't have to pay for that much therapy.
[ROLL CREDITS]