Parody Scriptness!
I have a number of Season 2 episodes I would like to parody, but I've discovered that it's rather tricky writing parody scripts with only the dialog script and am imperfect memory of what actions belong to which lines. So I'll have to go back and re-watch "Hathor" if I want to lampoon her.
In the mean time, I shall direct my snark at a more recently-viewed episode:
Episode 3-14: "Foothold" - The Parody Script!
[INT. STARGATE BOARDING TERMINAL]
SG-1 drips through the gate.
JACK: Hi. We are wet.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: And late.
JACK: Daniel's fault, as usual.
DANIEL: I thought I saw some continuing plot arc, but turns out it was nothing.
JACK: But hey, at least I get to be cranky and sarcastic about getting soaked!
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Whatever. Go to the hospital wing.
JACK: Did you miss where I said we were soaked?
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Hospital wing!
JACK: *grumbles*
[INT. ELEVATOR]
SUSPICIOUS GUARD: Hi, I'll be your suspicious guard during your elevator ride.
JACK: Since when do we have suspicious guards in the elevators?
SUSPICIOUS GUARD: Oh, it all has to do with a very thin cover story about a chemical spill.
DANIEL: Oh, well then.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: *flourishes syringe* Right, drop the pants, Colonel.
JACK: It's a good thing I keep so much spare dignity in my locker. By the way, Daniel, about that continuing plot arc...
DANIEL: Huh?
SAM: Speaking of that, I've been meaning to unload this small expository infodump disguised a question within the context of an episode that has little or nothing to do with the subject of said exposition. *does so*
DR. FRASIER: *sedates everyone*
TEAL'C: *fails to be properly sedated*
DR. FRASIER: Muahahahaaa! I may now begin acting in a patently non-Janet-Frasier manner in order to make it clear that I am an alien in disguise!
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Excellent. Just in case that's not enough, let us engage in a little extraterrestrial maid-and-butler dialog about our planned invasion of earth. We should probably refer to someone as "the human" just to really drive the point home.
DR. FRASIER: Also, I'd better mention that Teal'c and Sam are immune to whatever we're doing to the rest of the good guys. I should also make clear that this is because of their respective symbiote issues, just in case anyone out there hasn't already assumed as much.
ALIEN ARTHROPOD DUDES: And we'll march around in front of the door a bit to reinforce the whole alien invasion thing.
TEAL'C: I feel my intelligence is being insulted. *eyebrow*
[INT. ELEVATOR]
RANDOM DUDE #1: "Go wheel the unconscious female lead into the elevator," they tell me. Why don't they just say "go get your nose broken by Teal'c"?
TEAL'C: *breaks random dude's nose*
RANDOM DUDE #1: Not like I didn't see that coming. *is knocked senseless*
TEAL'C: Major Carter, wake up, the SGC is being invaded by aliens.
SAM: Oh, I need coffee or something before I can deal with this. How do you know we're being invaded by aliens.
TEAL'C: Dr. Frasier is channeling a sadistic supervillain, General Hammond called you "the human" and they discussed invasion plans. Also there are alien arthropod dudes marching around.
SAM: Ugh. So no coffee, then. Okay, well, we should probably find out what's happened to Jack and Daniel. Clearly they are somewhere without either of us, and that's a state of affairs that rarely fails to result in disaster.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
[INT. 3 ROOM OF MONITOR SCREENS]
SAM: There aren't any cameras working on level 23.
TEAL'C: I believe this has something to do with the thin cover story involving chemical spills that the suspicious guard gave to us.
SAM: Aaand looks like our boys have been body-snatched or whatever, since they are letting aliens come through the gate without a single sign of alarm or sarcasm.
TEAL'C: I don't believe we can trust anyone in the base, we need to escape and call for help.
SAM: Conveniently, I happen to know of a sneaky way out of this supposedly top-security facility.
TEAL'C: I will stay behind for reasons that are logically unclear. It will be much easier for the aliens to play mind games with us if we are separated.
SAM: Good plan. *departs*
TEAL'C: *pwns several people before being rendered unconscious*
[EXT. AIRPORT PAY PHONE]
SAM: *calls Maybourne*
MAYBOURNE: Yello?
SAM: Maybourne, this is Major Carter, we have a situation. Aliens are taking over the SGC and planning planetwide invasion. This is a bad thing, just to let you know.
MAYBOURNE: Why are you calling me? I'm an incompetent ass, what am I supposed to do.
SAM: Everyone else is body-snatched or under mind control or something. Can you please at least pretend that you know how to observe protocol and meet me somewhere ASAP.
MAYBOURNE: I don't know, I have golf with a senator in a few minutes, and after that I'm scheduled to stamp about being an impotent windbag for a few hours.
SAM: Did you miss the part about the body-snatching alien invasion?
MAYBOURNE: Oh, fine. *is petulant*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: Teal'c, wake up. I am in no way an alien invader and the fact that you're strapped to your hospital bed is entirely to do with the thin cover story involving chemical spills.
TEAL'C: Right.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: We were hoping you could tell us where Major Carter went.
TEAL'C: As if.
DR. FRASIER: She had an adverse reaction to the thin cover story, and if we don't find her, she could die. You should squeal on her for her own safety.
TEAL'C: Whatever.
[EXT. CAFE OF SOOPER SEEKRECY]
MAYBOURNE: So, I just got off the horn with General Hammond, and it sounds like this thin cover story involving chemical spills is--
SAM: *facepalm* Maybourne, you are an idiot.
ME: I'm glad someone finally just got that out there.
JACK: Hey, Carter, everything's fine. I'm me, Daniel is Daniel, everyone's fine now that we've gotten over the effects of the thin cover story. Look, I'll prove it by being sarcastic at Maybourne!
DANIEL: And I'll look vaguely mopey and in need of a hug. See? Everyone's who they say they are. Pretty please come back so Dr. Frasier can experiment on you?
SAM: Maybourne, why are you such a nitwit?
MAYBOURNE: Am not. You're going back to the SGC whether you like or not, young lady.
SAM: Brilliant. Fine, whatever. At least I got coffee.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: You're sure you don't know where Carter is, Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Yes. Untie me.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Actually I've just received word that they found Carter and are bringing her back.
DR. FRASIER: Then we may begin laughing in a diabolical manner at once! Muahahahaaa!
[INT. MAYBOURNE'S SNAZZY JET]
MAYBOURNE: So is the thing cover story involving chemical spills all taken care of?
JACK: Oh, sure, don't worry about a thing. *is briefly revealed to be alien arthropod dude*
SAM: *busts out Maybourne's gun* Ha! I knew it. *shoots*
JACK: *bleeds blue stuff, turns back into alien arthropod dude*
DANIEL: Whoa, what is that?
SAM: Oh, like you don't know. Maybourne, if you would be so kind as to bleed a little for me to prove you're human, I'm going to go shoot this other alien in disguise over here.
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
REAL JACK: *wakes up suspended from the ceiling by purple intestine things with metalic puffy-paint across his forehead* Uh-oh.
[INT. MAYBOURNE'S SNAZZY JET]
DANIEL: I swear, I'm not an alien arthropod dude, and I had no idea that Jack was!
SAM: Pfft. *takes away mimic gadget*
DANIEL: *turns into alien arthropod dude*
SAM: Aha! *uses mimic device, becomes Daniel*
ME: Oh, please take that off. Alien arthropods impersonating Daniel is one thing, but you impersonating him is somehow very wrong.
SAM: Okay, so they're using little gadgets to imitate everyone, so where does that leave the people being imitated? More importantly, why did these short out a minute ago?
MAYBOURNE: I'm pretty sure you're not actually asking me, since I'm an incompetent ass, but I'll act s if I actually have something to contribute, here.
SAM: I've got it, it's harmonic interference! Now all we have to do is get back into the SGC and use the same thing to disable all the mimic devices!
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
JACK: Anybody else out there not comatose?
DAVIS: Me!
DR. FRASIER and an alien arthropod accomplice enter with a fresh victim.
JACK: Ack! Play dead.
DR. FRASIER does villainy things while Jack observes, then departs.
JACK: One Dr. Frasier up here unconscious, another down there being villainous. And apparently they're using gadgets on their chests to impersonate the people hanging in here. That sums up the situation pretty handily. Let's get down from these intestine things, Davis.
DAVIS: So there's doubles of everyone running around here somewhere?
JACK: I already covered the exposition, Davis, no need to ask obvious questions. Let's see what happens when you take the real Dr. Frasier's puffy-paint headpiece off. *does so*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: *pauses from sadistic experimentation to have suspicious facial expression*
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
JACK: Actually, *puts puffy-paint headpiece back* that didn't work the way I'd hoped.
DR. FRASIER enters, looking suspicious.
JACK: Hi! *decks Dr. Frasier* I think I'm going to need therapy after this.
DAVIS: See if you can find her mimic gadget, it should be on her chest.
JACK: Oh yeah, lots and lots of therapy.
SAM-AS-DANIEL: Colonel! Hi!
JACK: Um...?
ME: If you jump on him and give him a snog right now, you will make several different kinds of shippers very happy.
SAM-AS-DANIEL: Oh, yeah. *takes off mimic device*
JACK: Oh, well, hi!
SAM: Okay, so here's the deal: Maybourne's due in a few with back-up and guns. We need to disconnect all these people, set up a widget to cause harmonic interference with the mimic gadgets, and spring Teal'c, who's being held prisoner someplace.
JACK: Great. Davis, you're pulling puffy-paint headpieces off people. Carter, you're playing with electronics. I'll go get Teal'c. Break!
[INT. HOLDING CELL]
JACK: I am totally digging on pretending to be an arthropoid bad guy. *hams it up bigtime* Teal'c, come with me.
TEAL'C: Get lost.
JACK: Seriously, this is too much fun. *hams it up further before shooting guards*
TEAL'C: Colonel O'Neill.
JACK: Aw, you mean I have to stop hamming, now?
[INT. SAM'S LAB]
SAM: Yay, I've got the right harmonic frequency! Now I just have to plug this into the PA...
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: *makes half-assed attempt at foiling Sam's plan before inexplicably fleeing when paged over the PA*
SAM: *broadcasts harmonic frequency, demasking arthropod alien dudes*
ARTHROPOD ALIEN DUDES: *make mad dash for Stargate*
SAM: Wait, we can't let them leave, they've had access to all kinds of classified information!
MAYBOURNE: *arrives just in time to complicate attempt to stop alien exodus*
SAM: *shuts down gate*
REMAINING ARTHROPOD ALIEN DUDES: *self-destruct*
[INT. DEBRIEFING ROOM]
JACK: Okay, so what do we still need to exposite about?
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Let's see...what measures we're taking in light of this encounter: we're locking the planet the aliens came from out of our program and changing our codes. Also we'll be blasting all returning teams with Sam's harmonic interference thingy from now on, just in case.
SAM: The fate of all the other good guys: everyone's fine, they all woke up after the self-destruct explosion. I think that covers everything.
MAYBOURNE: I will now have act less like an incompetent ass than usual.
JACK: And I will have a brief moment of not being sarcastic at you.
[ROLL CREDITS]
(The term "General Babyfacehead" appears courtesy of jd3000 and, if memory serves, his sister. We of the Anderson Ancestral Abode endorse this term as being the best possible nickname for General Hammond.)
In the mean time, I shall direct my snark at a more recently-viewed episode:
Episode 3-14: "Foothold" - The Parody Script!
[INT. STARGATE BOARDING TERMINAL]
SG-1 drips through the gate.
JACK: Hi. We are wet.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: And late.
JACK: Daniel's fault, as usual.
DANIEL: I thought I saw some continuing plot arc, but turns out it was nothing.
JACK: But hey, at least I get to be cranky and sarcastic about getting soaked!
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Whatever. Go to the hospital wing.
JACK: Did you miss where I said we were soaked?
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Hospital wing!
JACK: *grumbles*
[INT. ELEVATOR]
SUSPICIOUS GUARD: Hi, I'll be your suspicious guard during your elevator ride.
JACK: Since when do we have suspicious guards in the elevators?
SUSPICIOUS GUARD: Oh, it all has to do with a very thin cover story about a chemical spill.
DANIEL: Oh, well then.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: *flourishes syringe* Right, drop the pants, Colonel.
JACK: It's a good thing I keep so much spare dignity in my locker. By the way, Daniel, about that continuing plot arc...
DANIEL: Huh?
SAM: Speaking of that, I've been meaning to unload this small expository infodump disguised a question within the context of an episode that has little or nothing to do with the subject of said exposition. *does so*
DR. FRASIER: *sedates everyone*
TEAL'C: *fails to be properly sedated*
DR. FRASIER: Muahahahaaa! I may now begin acting in a patently non-Janet-Frasier manner in order to make it clear that I am an alien in disguise!
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Excellent. Just in case that's not enough, let us engage in a little extraterrestrial maid-and-butler dialog about our planned invasion of earth. We should probably refer to someone as "the human" just to really drive the point home.
DR. FRASIER: Also, I'd better mention that Teal'c and Sam are immune to whatever we're doing to the rest of the good guys. I should also make clear that this is because of their respective symbiote issues, just in case anyone out there hasn't already assumed as much.
ALIEN ARTHROPOD DUDES: And we'll march around in front of the door a bit to reinforce the whole alien invasion thing.
TEAL'C: I feel my intelligence is being insulted. *eyebrow*
[INT. ELEVATOR]
RANDOM DUDE #1: "Go wheel the unconscious female lead into the elevator," they tell me. Why don't they just say "go get your nose broken by Teal'c"?
TEAL'C: *breaks random dude's nose*
RANDOM DUDE #1: Not like I didn't see that coming. *is knocked senseless*
TEAL'C: Major Carter, wake up, the SGC is being invaded by aliens.
SAM: Oh, I need coffee or something before I can deal with this. How do you know we're being invaded by aliens.
TEAL'C: Dr. Frasier is channeling a sadistic supervillain, General Hammond called you "the human" and they discussed invasion plans. Also there are alien arthropod dudes marching around.
SAM: Ugh. So no coffee, then. Okay, well, we should probably find out what's happened to Jack and Daniel. Clearly they are somewhere without either of us, and that's a state of affairs that rarely fails to result in disaster.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
[INT. 3 ROOM OF MONITOR SCREENS]
SAM: There aren't any cameras working on level 23.
TEAL'C: I believe this has something to do with the thin cover story involving chemical spills that the suspicious guard gave to us.
SAM: Aaand looks like our boys have been body-snatched or whatever, since they are letting aliens come through the gate without a single sign of alarm or sarcasm.
TEAL'C: I don't believe we can trust anyone in the base, we need to escape and call for help.
SAM: Conveniently, I happen to know of a sneaky way out of this supposedly top-security facility.
TEAL'C: I will stay behind for reasons that are logically unclear. It will be much easier for the aliens to play mind games with us if we are separated.
SAM: Good plan. *departs*
TEAL'C: *pwns several people before being rendered unconscious*
[EXT. AIRPORT PAY PHONE]
SAM: *calls Maybourne*
MAYBOURNE: Yello?
SAM: Maybourne, this is Major Carter, we have a situation. Aliens are taking over the SGC and planning planetwide invasion. This is a bad thing, just to let you know.
MAYBOURNE: Why are you calling me? I'm an incompetent ass, what am I supposed to do.
SAM: Everyone else is body-snatched or under mind control or something. Can you please at least pretend that you know how to observe protocol and meet me somewhere ASAP.
MAYBOURNE: I don't know, I have golf with a senator in a few minutes, and after that I'm scheduled to stamp about being an impotent windbag for a few hours.
SAM: Did you miss the part about the body-snatching alien invasion?
MAYBOURNE: Oh, fine. *is petulant*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: Teal'c, wake up. I am in no way an alien invader and the fact that you're strapped to your hospital bed is entirely to do with the thin cover story involving chemical spills.
TEAL'C: Right.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: We were hoping you could tell us where Major Carter went.
TEAL'C: As if.
DR. FRASIER: She had an adverse reaction to the thin cover story, and if we don't find her, she could die. You should squeal on her for her own safety.
TEAL'C: Whatever.
[EXT. CAFE OF SOOPER SEEKRECY]
MAYBOURNE: So, I just got off the horn with General Hammond, and it sounds like this thin cover story involving chemical spills is--
SAM: *facepalm* Maybourne, you are an idiot.
ME: I'm glad someone finally just got that out there.
JACK: Hey, Carter, everything's fine. I'm me, Daniel is Daniel, everyone's fine now that we've gotten over the effects of the thin cover story. Look, I'll prove it by being sarcastic at Maybourne!
DANIEL: And I'll look vaguely mopey and in need of a hug. See? Everyone's who they say they are. Pretty please come back so Dr. Frasier can experiment on you?
SAM: Maybourne, why are you such a nitwit?
MAYBOURNE: Am not. You're going back to the SGC whether you like or not, young lady.
SAM: Brilliant. Fine, whatever. At least I got coffee.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: You're sure you don't know where Carter is, Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Yes. Untie me.
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Actually I've just received word that they found Carter and are bringing her back.
DR. FRASIER: Then we may begin laughing in a diabolical manner at once! Muahahahaaa!
[INT. MAYBOURNE'S SNAZZY JET]
MAYBOURNE: So is the thing cover story involving chemical spills all taken care of?
JACK: Oh, sure, don't worry about a thing. *is briefly revealed to be alien arthropod dude*
SAM: *busts out Maybourne's gun* Ha! I knew it. *shoots*
JACK: *bleeds blue stuff, turns back into alien arthropod dude*
DANIEL: Whoa, what is that?
SAM: Oh, like you don't know. Maybourne, if you would be so kind as to bleed a little for me to prove you're human, I'm going to go shoot this other alien in disguise over here.
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
REAL JACK: *wakes up suspended from the ceiling by purple intestine things with metalic puffy-paint across his forehead* Uh-oh.
[INT. MAYBOURNE'S SNAZZY JET]
DANIEL: I swear, I'm not an alien arthropod dude, and I had no idea that Jack was!
SAM: Pfft. *takes away mimic gadget*
DANIEL: *turns into alien arthropod dude*
SAM: Aha! *uses mimic device, becomes Daniel*
ME: Oh, please take that off. Alien arthropods impersonating Daniel is one thing, but you impersonating him is somehow very wrong.
SAM: Okay, so they're using little gadgets to imitate everyone, so where does that leave the people being imitated? More importantly, why did these short out a minute ago?
MAYBOURNE: I'm pretty sure you're not actually asking me, since I'm an incompetent ass, but I'll act s if I actually have something to contribute, here.
SAM: I've got it, it's harmonic interference! Now all we have to do is get back into the SGC and use the same thing to disable all the mimic devices!
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
JACK: Anybody else out there not comatose?
DAVIS: Me!
DR. FRASIER and an alien arthropod accomplice enter with a fresh victim.
JACK: Ack! Play dead.
DR. FRASIER does villainy things while Jack observes, then departs.
JACK: One Dr. Frasier up here unconscious, another down there being villainous. And apparently they're using gadgets on their chests to impersonate the people hanging in here. That sums up the situation pretty handily. Let's get down from these intestine things, Davis.
DAVIS: So there's doubles of everyone running around here somewhere?
JACK: I already covered the exposition, Davis, no need to ask obvious questions. Let's see what happens when you take the real Dr. Frasier's puffy-paint headpiece off. *does so*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
DR. FRASIER: *pauses from sadistic experimentation to have suspicious facial expression*
[INT. MAGENTA ROOM OF UNCONSCIOUS GOOD GUYS]
JACK: Actually, *puts puffy-paint headpiece back* that didn't work the way I'd hoped.
DR. FRASIER enters, looking suspicious.
JACK: Hi! *decks Dr. Frasier* I think I'm going to need therapy after this.
DAVIS: See if you can find her mimic gadget, it should be on her chest.
JACK: Oh yeah, lots and lots of therapy.
SAM-AS-DANIEL: Colonel! Hi!
JACK: Um...?
ME: If you jump on him and give him a snog right now, you will make several different kinds of shippers very happy.
SAM-AS-DANIEL: Oh, yeah. *takes off mimic device*
JACK: Oh, well, hi!
SAM: Okay, so here's the deal: Maybourne's due in a few with back-up and guns. We need to disconnect all these people, set up a widget to cause harmonic interference with the mimic gadgets, and spring Teal'c, who's being held prisoner someplace.
JACK: Great. Davis, you're pulling puffy-paint headpieces off people. Carter, you're playing with electronics. I'll go get Teal'c. Break!
[INT. HOLDING CELL]
JACK: I am totally digging on pretending to be an arthropoid bad guy. *hams it up bigtime* Teal'c, come with me.
TEAL'C: Get lost.
JACK: Seriously, this is too much fun. *hams it up further before shooting guards*
TEAL'C: Colonel O'Neill.
JACK: Aw, you mean I have to stop hamming, now?
[INT. SAM'S LAB]
SAM: Yay, I've got the right harmonic frequency! Now I just have to plug this into the PA...
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: *makes half-assed attempt at foiling Sam's plan before inexplicably fleeing when paged over the PA*
SAM: *broadcasts harmonic frequency, demasking arthropod alien dudes*
ARTHROPOD ALIEN DUDES: *make mad dash for Stargate*
SAM: Wait, we can't let them leave, they've had access to all kinds of classified information!
MAYBOURNE: *arrives just in time to complicate attempt to stop alien exodus*
SAM: *shuts down gate*
REMAINING ARTHROPOD ALIEN DUDES: *self-destruct*
[INT. DEBRIEFING ROOM]
JACK: Okay, so what do we still need to exposite about?
GENERAL BABYFACEHEAD: Let's see...what measures we're taking in light of this encounter: we're locking the planet the aliens came from out of our program and changing our codes. Also we'll be blasting all returning teams with Sam's harmonic interference thingy from now on, just in case.
SAM: The fate of all the other good guys: everyone's fine, they all woke up after the self-destruct explosion. I think that covers everything.
MAYBOURNE: I will now have act less like an incompetent ass than usual.
JACK: And I will have a brief moment of not being sarcastic at you.
[ROLL CREDITS]
(The term "General Babyfacehead" appears courtesy of jd3000 and, if memory serves, his sister. We of the Anderson Ancestral Abode endorse this term as being the best possible nickname for General Hammond.)