I join the ranks of Stargate fans...I'm late, but I brought snark!
Finally broke down this weekend and watched some Stargate SG-1 episodes with Bill's sisters. Made the mistake of asking to see the very first episode (actually, the first ep after the pilot, because apparently the pilot contains boobies and the girls aren't zoned for that kind of thing, yet) and then watching the second episode directly after the first. At which point it became generally accepted that I am planning to watch them all, start to finish. Now, every time I get out laundry or ironing, the girls ask hopefully if I want to "watch the next one". Am enjoying them quite a bit, so far, though this does not stop me from shouting helpful advice at the characters whenever they are not handling a situation to my satisfaction ("Just shoot him in the leg and sort things out once he's on the floor!"). To the characters' credit, I don't have to shout at them nearly so often as I had to shout at Angel & Co back when I was watching That Buffy Spin-off. I can't help it, I like bossing people.
Another thing I can't help doing is writing little parody scripts in my head:
EPISODE: 1-4 "The Broca Divide"
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.]
BALD GENERAL: Okay, so we're sending you through to a particular planet for reasons that are probably significant if you actually saw the pilot or remember anything about the movie.
JACK: Cool, what's it like?
BG: Really dark.
SAM: ...and?
BG: That's it, actually. The probe thingy's headlights got busted.
DANIEL: You don't suppose we'll get our headlights busted first thing we walk through the gate, do you?
BG: Naw. Probably happened in transit, anyway. Damn baggage handlers.
DANIEL: This whole plan doesn't strike anyone else as a bad idea?
JARHEADS: You'll be fine, we're coming with!
JACK: Capitol, let's go!
SWEATY JARHEAD: I'm going to give Teal'c a weird look. It may be vaguely important later.
[INT. STARGATE BOARDING TERMINAL.]
SG-1 and the JARHEADS put on SPIFFY NIGHT VISION GOGGLES.
JACK: So why doesn't the probe thingy have a pair of these?
ME: Yeah, you hang that lantern.
SG-1 and the JARHEADS saunter through the GATE.
PLANET: *is dark*
CAVEMAN NATIVES: WE KEEL YOU!!!1!
JARHEADS: Bang! Fear our boomsticks!!
CAVEMAN NATIVES: *flee*
DANIEL: What were those things?
JACK: You're the nerd here, you tell me.
DANIEL: Okay: they're cavemen.
SAM: And one of them is attempting to molest some poor non-caveman girl! We should do something!
DANIEL: But cultural relativism!
SAM: *chambers a round* I've got your cultural relativism right here.
JACK: Look, people in white hoods throwing rocks at the cavemen!
ME: Wow. So many KKK jokes.
JACK: Hi, folks, we're from out of town.
KLANSMEN: OMG you must be gods!
DANIEL: Common misconception, but no. We're actually a couple of airedales, an anthropologist, some jarheads with guns and a big alien guy with bitchin' eyeshadow.
KLANSMEN: Well whatever. Wanna come back to our place?
JACK: Sure!
SG-1, the JARHEADS, and the KLANSMEN stroll into ANCIENT MINOA, where the KLANSMEN are revealed to be not white-hooded bigots but merely PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HATS.
JACK: So who are you guys, anyway?
TUPLO: We are the Untouched. Those other guys you met are the Touched. They have a curse that turns them into cavemen. That's why my daughter's up there on a pillow between two giant bull heads: it's a catching curse.
JACK: Right-o, well, this has been fun, but we really have to be getting back.
SG-1 and the JARHEADS decamp and return for debriefing with BALD GENERAL.
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.]
BG: So, anything interesting?
JACK: Not really, just a curse that turns people into crazy cavemen.
DANIEL: Excuse me, but we also found Ancient Minoa! It was fascinating. There were giant bull statues!
SAM: And prehistoric people! We could have studied them!
NO ONE ELSE: *cares*
SWEATY JARHEAD: TEAL'C I KEEL YOU!!!1
TEAL'C: Whatever. *pwns*
SWEATY JARHEAD is taken to the hospital wing, where MADAM POMFREY does some TESTS. Meanwhile...
[INT. GUY'S LOCKER ROOM]
SAM: Hey there, sweet thang.
JACK: Uh...
SAM: Take me, I'm yours! *snogs*
JACK: Oookay, the ol' spider-sense is telling me you need to visit the hospital wing, too.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: It would appear that Cavemanitis is a catching virus. It's causing people to develop unibrows and David Boreanaz's forehead. Also, they start behaving like Oakland Raiders fans.
JACK: Bummer.
[INT. +4 ROOM OF CONTROL PANELS.]
DANIEL: Hey, what happened to you, you've got a hicky the size of South Dakota.
JACK: Oh, Sam jumped me in the locker room and tried to snog me to death.
DANIEL: You have all the luck.
JACK: She caught Cavemanitis and now she's behaving like a Radiers fan.
DANIEL: Bummer. I should go visit her.
JACK: Why would you do that, Four-eyes?
DANIEL: I don't know, why not?
JACK: Because I KEEL YOU!!!!!1
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
MADAM POMFREY: Sheesh, we're really piling them in. We need to start working on a cure.
BALD GENERAL: There's a cure for being a Radiers fan?
MADAM POMFREY: We've figured out what's causing the Cavemanitis, but not how to stop it. Hang on, why aren't Daniel and Teal'c growing unibrows, yet?
DANIEL: The extraterrestrial worm thing in Teal'c's gut is probably keeping him safe.
MADAM POMFREY: And you, what, root for the Chargers?
BG: At any rate, we need to seal up the mountain so no one else catches this thing. Why don't you take Teal'c back to that planet with you and ask the people in the funny hats what the scoop is on this thing. You should be able to handle that, right?
DANIEL: No problem, I have a Ph.D!
[EXT. DARK HALF OF ANCIENT MINOA.]
DANIEL: Hey, it's that chick from earlier! She gets Cavemanitis so they just dump her out here?
TEAL'C: I believe that is my cue to say something vaguely indicting about the human condition. *does so*
DANIEL: Great, now that we've got that out of the way, I can get captured by cavemen! *does so*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: Hi there, Jack, we're stowing Bald General in here because there's nowhere else left. I will now vent my frustration over the hopelessness of the current situation to you even though you currently have the IQ of a rabid aardvark.
JACK: Actually, I'm still pretty intelligent, I just can't form complete sentences, and I have an overwhelming urge to stab an opposing linebacker with a hidden prison shiv. Could you maybe pump me full of some more quaaludes so we can chat?
[INT. ANCIENT MINOA.]
TEAL'C: I require your assistance in recovering my nerd, who has been absconded with by the cavemen. Also, I will be needing a blood sample from one of you.
TUPLO: No, on both counts, for vague cultural reasons. Also we're now totally offended. Leave now, or we will be forced to flip our hair at you!
TEAL'C: Whatever. *pwns guards, takes blood sample*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: Thanks for the blood sample. Turns out Daniel and the people with funny hats have something in common.
TEAL'C: Lack of fashion sense?
MADAM POMFREY: Antihistimenes. Turns out Cavemanitis can be cured with a hefty dose of Benadryl! Jack, you get to be the guinea pig.
JACK: This is the part where I make a cultural reference in humorous context so Teal'c can ask me what the heck I'm talking about!
TEAL'C: How are we to discern that you are no longer a Raiders fan?
JACK: No more unibrow? Complete sentences? Go 'Niners?
MADAM POMFREY: Bril! Lets start mainlining this into folks!
[EXT. THE DARK SIDE OF ANCIENT MINOA.]
CAVEMEN: Rarr!
SG TEAM: Woo tranquilizers! We so pwn you and your weird virus!
JACK: Looks like Daniel's allergies have been acting up while he couldn't get at his meds.
DANIEL: Rarr, I have the silliest-looking unibrow in recorded history!
JACK: Someone shoot him up, we'll drag him over as proof for the people in funny hats that this stuff works, and then we'll be on our way.
PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HATS: Ugh, you bring a Raiders fan into our house?! Now we're really offended!
SAM: We found a cure, check it out!
DANIEL: Urgh, is this the part where I say something vaguely cranky to establish how I'm back in character?
EVERYONE: Yay!
SAM: By the way, Jack, sorry about earlier.
JACK: No need to apologize, I quite enjoyed--I mean I don't remember a thing. Ahem.
------------------------------------------------------------------
(And yeah, in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like when I'm really enjoying something. I never waste this much snark on things I don't like. Now I need to make myself a SG icon...in the mean time we'll go with a random guy with a gun being sarcastic.)
Another thing I can't help doing is writing little parody scripts in my head:
EPISODE: 1-4 "The Broca Divide"
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.]
BALD GENERAL: Okay, so we're sending you through to a particular planet for reasons that are probably significant if you actually saw the pilot or remember anything about the movie.
JACK: Cool, what's it like?
BG: Really dark.
SAM: ...and?
BG: That's it, actually. The probe thingy's headlights got busted.
DANIEL: You don't suppose we'll get our headlights busted first thing we walk through the gate, do you?
BG: Naw. Probably happened in transit, anyway. Damn baggage handlers.
DANIEL: This whole plan doesn't strike anyone else as a bad idea?
JARHEADS: You'll be fine, we're coming with!
JACK: Capitol, let's go!
SWEATY JARHEAD: I'm going to give Teal'c a weird look. It may be vaguely important later.
[INT. STARGATE BOARDING TERMINAL.]
SG-1 and the JARHEADS put on SPIFFY NIGHT VISION GOGGLES.
JACK: So why doesn't the probe thingy have a pair of these?
ME: Yeah, you hang that lantern.
SG-1 and the JARHEADS saunter through the GATE.
PLANET: *is dark*
CAVEMAN NATIVES: WE KEEL YOU!!!1!
JARHEADS: Bang! Fear our boomsticks!!
CAVEMAN NATIVES: *flee*
DANIEL: What were those things?
JACK: You're the nerd here, you tell me.
DANIEL: Okay: they're cavemen.
SAM: And one of them is attempting to molest some poor non-caveman girl! We should do something!
DANIEL: But cultural relativism!
SAM: *chambers a round* I've got your cultural relativism right here.
JACK: Look, people in white hoods throwing rocks at the cavemen!
ME: Wow. So many KKK jokes.
JACK: Hi, folks, we're from out of town.
KLANSMEN: OMG you must be gods!
DANIEL: Common misconception, but no. We're actually a couple of airedales, an anthropologist, some jarheads with guns and a big alien guy with bitchin' eyeshadow.
KLANSMEN: Well whatever. Wanna come back to our place?
JACK: Sure!
SG-1, the JARHEADS, and the KLANSMEN stroll into ANCIENT MINOA, where the KLANSMEN are revealed to be not white-hooded bigots but merely PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HATS.
JACK: So who are you guys, anyway?
TUPLO: We are the Untouched. Those other guys you met are the Touched. They have a curse that turns them into cavemen. That's why my daughter's up there on a pillow between two giant bull heads: it's a catching curse.
JACK: Right-o, well, this has been fun, but we really have to be getting back.
SG-1 and the JARHEADS decamp and return for debriefing with BALD GENERAL.
[INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.]
BG: So, anything interesting?
JACK: Not really, just a curse that turns people into crazy cavemen.
DANIEL: Excuse me, but we also found Ancient Minoa! It was fascinating. There were giant bull statues!
SAM: And prehistoric people! We could have studied them!
NO ONE ELSE: *cares*
SWEATY JARHEAD: TEAL'C I KEEL YOU!!!1
TEAL'C: Whatever. *pwns*
SWEATY JARHEAD is taken to the hospital wing, where MADAM POMFREY does some TESTS. Meanwhile...
[INT. GUY'S LOCKER ROOM]
SAM: Hey there, sweet thang.
JACK: Uh...
SAM: Take me, I'm yours! *snogs*
JACK: Oookay, the ol' spider-sense is telling me you need to visit the hospital wing, too.
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: It would appear that Cavemanitis is a catching virus. It's causing people to develop unibrows and David Boreanaz's forehead. Also, they start behaving like Oakland Raiders fans.
JACK: Bummer.
[INT. +4 ROOM OF CONTROL PANELS.]
DANIEL: Hey, what happened to you, you've got a hicky the size of South Dakota.
JACK: Oh, Sam jumped me in the locker room and tried to snog me to death.
DANIEL: You have all the luck.
JACK: She caught Cavemanitis and now she's behaving like a Radiers fan.
DANIEL: Bummer. I should go visit her.
JACK: Why would you do that, Four-eyes?
DANIEL: I don't know, why not?
JACK: Because I KEEL YOU!!!!!1
[INT. HOSPITAL WING]
MADAM POMFREY: Sheesh, we're really piling them in. We need to start working on a cure.
BALD GENERAL: There's a cure for being a Radiers fan?
MADAM POMFREY: We've figured out what's causing the Cavemanitis, but not how to stop it. Hang on, why aren't Daniel and Teal'c growing unibrows, yet?
DANIEL: The extraterrestrial worm thing in Teal'c's gut is probably keeping him safe.
MADAM POMFREY: And you, what, root for the Chargers?
BG: At any rate, we need to seal up the mountain so no one else catches this thing. Why don't you take Teal'c back to that planet with you and ask the people in the funny hats what the scoop is on this thing. You should be able to handle that, right?
DANIEL: No problem, I have a Ph.D!
[EXT. DARK HALF OF ANCIENT MINOA.]
DANIEL: Hey, it's that chick from earlier! She gets Cavemanitis so they just dump her out here?
TEAL'C: I believe that is my cue to say something vaguely indicting about the human condition. *does so*
DANIEL: Great, now that we've got that out of the way, I can get captured by cavemen! *does so*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: Hi there, Jack, we're stowing Bald General in here because there's nowhere else left. I will now vent my frustration over the hopelessness of the current situation to you even though you currently have the IQ of a rabid aardvark.
JACK: Actually, I'm still pretty intelligent, I just can't form complete sentences, and I have an overwhelming urge to stab an opposing linebacker with a hidden prison shiv. Could you maybe pump me full of some more quaaludes so we can chat?
[INT. ANCIENT MINOA.]
TEAL'C: I require your assistance in recovering my nerd, who has been absconded with by the cavemen. Also, I will be needing a blood sample from one of you.
TUPLO: No, on both counts, for vague cultural reasons. Also we're now totally offended. Leave now, or we will be forced to flip our hair at you!
TEAL'C: Whatever. *pwns guards, takes blood sample*
[INT. HOSPITAL WING.]
MADAM POMFREY: Thanks for the blood sample. Turns out Daniel and the people with funny hats have something in common.
TEAL'C: Lack of fashion sense?
MADAM POMFREY: Antihistimenes. Turns out Cavemanitis can be cured with a hefty dose of Benadryl! Jack, you get to be the guinea pig.
JACK: This is the part where I make a cultural reference in humorous context so Teal'c can ask me what the heck I'm talking about!
TEAL'C: How are we to discern that you are no longer a Raiders fan?
JACK: No more unibrow? Complete sentences? Go 'Niners?
MADAM POMFREY: Bril! Lets start mainlining this into folks!
[EXT. THE DARK SIDE OF ANCIENT MINOA.]
CAVEMEN: Rarr!
SG TEAM: Woo tranquilizers! We so pwn you and your weird virus!
JACK: Looks like Daniel's allergies have been acting up while he couldn't get at his meds.
DANIEL: Rarr, I have the silliest-looking unibrow in recorded history!
JACK: Someone shoot him up, we'll drag him over as proof for the people in funny hats that this stuff works, and then we'll be on our way.
PEOPLE WITH FUNNY HATS: Ugh, you bring a Raiders fan into our house?! Now we're really offended!
SAM: We found a cure, check it out!
DANIEL: Urgh, is this the part where I say something vaguely cranky to establish how I'm back in character?
EVERYONE: Yay!
SAM: By the way, Jack, sorry about earlier.
JACK: No need to apologize, I quite enjoyed--I mean I don't remember a thing. Ahem.
------------------------------------------------------------------
(And yeah, in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like when I'm really enjoying something. I never waste this much snark on things I don't like. Now I need to make myself a SG icon...in the mean time we'll go with a random guy with a gun being sarcastic.)