Power dynamics and anal sex, whee!

[kalpurna]

I really, fundamentally don't get fic or pairings where one partner is defined as being always the top, or always the bottom. [Disclaimer: this does not mean that I have not read and adored particular fics of this type, only that I had to overcome my issues to like them.] I guess you could call this a squick, of a sort, except that it's not a

Comments

[joandarck]

You know, I was just thinking about something sort of like this recently - the way people say "a top" or "a bottom." Taking it from a verb to a noun makes it sound so locked-down and defining, doesn't it? Would that make all non-pegging, intercourse-having straight women "bottoms" getting "topped" by men then? It makes sense that some people would prefer one or the other, but defining a whole identity that way feels weird.

On the butch-femme thing, I know a lot of people who joke about it but don't take it seriously, sort of like astrology. At the same, though, mostly they seem to have seized on their particular relationship to traditional feminity and won't vary from it, and tend to get uncomfortable if you vary from however they've pegged you. It seems like roles just get in under your guard whether you want them to or not.

[kalpurna]

Yeah, that's it exactly; the nouning of these things is always a problem. (Look, it's A Gay!) If people have a preference, I get that. But it's still a preference, you know? Your relationship to penetration isn't your whole identity.

I'm not sure I get what you're saying, exactly - is it that lots of people tend to seize onto roles for themselves, even if they're pretty liberated? Or is it that people tend to pick out roles for others? Because I think both of those are probably true to some extent, but I'm not sure which you meant.

[joandarck]

Oh, both... you know, speaking in vague, broad generalizations, possibly based on nothing or complete misunderstandings or my own defensiveness, but I'd say both.

[kalpurna]

Yeah, okay, I feel you (although, hee, you are like me with the disclaimers ♥). I'm oversimplifying a bit, because out of lesbians that I know, a lot of them really do tend towards the butch/femme thing. And it's sure as hell true that straight people I know love to put queer people into hetero roles. I guess the part I don't really like, though, is that in a lot of the stories I'm talking about, it goes beyond a preference, and becomes this huge unchangeable forever-and-ever identity - inevitably related to the ass, for God's sake! "This guy is The Girl in the relationship, and thus he is also A Bottom. This guy is The Man, so he is A Top."

But yeah, we do like our roles, don't we? And that's not even a bad thing, that can be fun. I just wish it didn't have to be so... defining? At least, not in slash, which is my happy place.

[joandarck]

(Yeah, I have this theory about how people who've experienced a lot of pressure about their sexuality or gender definition tend to be rigid about it - even if the way they end up is a rebellion against that pressure, they tend to be rigid about that rebellion, and about their expectations of others. But I don't know how much of that notion comes from my own defensiveness over pressure that I may just be projecting ("You're wearing makeup?" "I LIKE MAKEUP, OKAY? I HAVE ALWAYS WORN MAKEUP. I WILL KEEP WEARING MAKEUP. THERE IS NO REASON I SHOULD NOT." "...Okay.") And I didn't want to get all waffly and vague about it, so I skipped that part.)

[kalpurna]

That definitely makes sense to me, even though I don't really have any kind of experience that would back it up? But it does resonate with me, and I feel instinctively like that could be true.

[joandarck]

...I think what I just said was unnecessary and either a total repeat or made no sense? I have no idea, I'm really tired, erk! Please don't feel obliged to come up with a response to it. It's more like finishing out what I was saying before. Sorry!

[kalpurna]

You are so cute with the disclaimers. It's okay, I trust you! I get what you're trying to say and I'm not annoyed when your point is not completely polished and perfect! WE ARE GOING TO MEET IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS YAYYY.

[indywind]

"this huge unchangeable forever-and-ever identity - inevitably related to the ass"

That right there is an excellent concise summary.

[kalpurna]

Thanks!