Just to Waste My Time with You [ikon; junhwe/jinhwan] (1/2)
Just to Waste My Time with You
junhwe/jinhwan
pg-13, 13,250 words
Junhwe has a rule where he doesn't deal with anything that makes his life harder than it has to be. Jinhwan is, to no surprise, the exception.
(the gdoc for this fic was titled this. which tbh, is the more accurate summary and the only warning you'll really need)
Junhwe mistakenly believed that over time the brutal practice sessions would become easier. They have in a way -- he’s definitely a lot more used to them now -- but as they get closer to the idea of debuting, the mental burden ends up usurping the already strenuous physical one. Resulting in an overall experience that he’s pretty sure would have crushed him had he been forced to undergo it when he first joined the company.
They’re going through their showcase routine for the twenty seventh time this afternoon, and the better they get, the more unsatisfied Hanbin becomes at their progress. It gets to the point where Jinhwan has to force Hanbin to call a break, under the guise of worrying about the group’s stamina, when really it’s for the sake of Hanbin’s sanity. Junhwe is thankful, even though the breakdown of Hanbin’s psyche has always fascinated him a little bit.
“Go get some food,” Jinhwan suggests, ruffling Hanbin’s hair before pushing him towards the door. No one else has to be told twice, dragging themselves up one by one.
Bobby pauses when he notices Jinhwan taking a seat on the bench, gulping down a bottle of water. “Aren’t you coming Hyung?”
Jinhwan shakes his head. “No, I’m not hungry. Just get me some strawberry ice cream when you come back.”
Junhwe on the other hand, is hungry. He’s always hungry. But, although he would have scoffed (still would scoff, actually) had someone told him this a few months ago: there are some things in life that are more valuable than food, if only by a small margin.
“I’m not hungry either,” Junhwe announces, settling himself down on the floor, back against the mirror. “Just bring me back a snack.”
“You’re not hungry? Really?” Donghyuk says, smacking him with a towel when he walks past. Jinhwan looks at him sceptically from the other side of the room too.
“Fine, I’m hungry. I just don’t want to move. Get me something filling.”
“Of course,” Donghyuk mutters, shaking his head at Junhwe before closing the door.
Once everyone leaves the practice room, it’s like a live wire is running through his veins, all the enervation from practice turning into electricity and he can feel the buzzing underneath his skin. Jinhwan isn’t looking at him, playing with the label of his water bottle, but Junhwe can see the amused smile quirking it’s way through. He doesn’t try to play it cool, knowing it’s a lost cause, and hastens to make his way over to where Jinhwan was sitting on the bench.
He leans forward, but Jinhwan puts up a hand between them because he's horrible. "Junhwe, that wasn't an invitation". He tries to sound stern but Junhwe can tell he's about a second from laughing.
Junhwe kisses his hand and feels embarrassed almost immediately afterwards. Jinhwan snorts. "Why would I need an invitation? I’m hosting this party."
"Then where’s my invitation?" Jinhwan teases. His hands which were pushing Junhwe away by the shoulders, are now curled into the collar of his jacket. Junhwe knows he's won.
"I'm giving you one." Junhwe mumbles, before he has Jinhwan pressed down on the bench. He can't believe it's come to this. His day is basically made by rushed make out sessions when no one else is around, and occasionally playing footsie underneath the table. It’s vile, but Jinhwan lips are soft and his mouth pliant, which doesn’t give Junhwe time to think of all the values he’s turned his back on.
"Jinhwan Hyung they don't have any Strawberry, do you want Vanilla instead!"
Jinhwan pushes Junhwe off himself with an unprecedented amount of strength for such a tiny person. Junhwe ends up hitting the back of his head against the hard wooden floors, and he's going to fucking kill Chanwoo the next chance he gets.
"It's fine, don't get me anything. I've lost my appetite." Jinhwan says, face pale and fingers crossed underneath the bench.
Chanwoo seems to have finally noticed their compromising position, eyes darting between Jinhwan and Junhwe before settling into a confused stare.
"What were you guys doing?"
"We were trying out some new acrobatics moves until you came in and ruined everything." Junhwe bites. Jinhwan kicks him.
"Sorry..." Chanwoo says hesitantly, walking backwards towards the door. "Hyung, are you sure you don't want anything anymore?"
Jinhwan nods. "Yeah. Incredibly sure. Actually don’t worry, I might head over there myself."
"Okay..." Chanwoo gives them one last look before leaving.
Once Junhwe hears the click of the door, he lifts himself off the ground and settles himself above Jinhwan again. His plan of action however, is thwarted when Jinhwan slides out from underneath him and grabs his practice bag, zipping it shut.
"What? Hyung, why?" Junhwe whines, falling back on the bench dramatically.
Jinhwan pulls the straps of his bag over his shoulder. "We shouldn't have been doing anything in the first place." He leans over Junhwe and uses the advantageous height to push Junhwe’s sweaty bangs away from his eyes.
Junhwe wants to grab Jinhwan's hand and pull him down on top of him. However, he's more or less learnt how to manoeuvre situations like this, and knows right now Jinhwan is akin to a startled deer. One wrong move and he'll flee.
"Hey," Jinhwan says quietly, halting his ministrations on Junhwe's hair. "Don't make this harder than it already is."
Junhwe opens one eye and looks at the soft smile on Jinhwan's face. "You are so manipulative. Fine. Go," he grumbles, turning over so he's facing the wall.
Jinhwan hums from behind him. "Come on, let's walk to the store together."
"No," Junhwe replies. "I need to recuperate, I have to get over the rejection."
Junhwe’s been rejected before. Plenty of times, actually.
The first time had been in front of a camera, unstated, but obvious in the dismissive handwave he received from the casting director. He's become pretty apt at handling that kind of rejection. It's devastating and unnerving every time, but he just keeps working harder and trying again and again until the cycle stops.
The first time he's rejected personally, he takes it like any spoilt and overly loved 13 year old boy does. That is, not very well. He spends an entire week sulking, stealing Misoo's lunch, and giving her the cold shoulder, until she finally has enough and punches him in the face for being a dickhead. His nose takes less time to heal than his pride, but there was a lesson learnt there somewhere.
When Jinhwan rejects him he doesn't know if he takes it better or worse than he would have at 13. He certainly feels a lot worse, but at least he isn't going around telling everyone Jinhwan had cooties.
The casting director didn't really care about Junhwe one way or another, Misoo laughed at his face, but Jinhwan looks like saying "Junhwe-yah, I can't. I'm sorry." is the hardest thing he'd had to utter in his 20 years of existence -- which, seriously? It can't be easy rejecting a friend, but Jinhwan could really use some perspective.
Junhwe hadn’t even articulately confessed or anything. He had blurted it out, spur of the moment, his judgement impaired by the long flight and impending jet lag. They’d both gone to buy some snacks before they had to be ushered into the van, Jinhwan had leant against Junhwe’s back to check out the brand of pocky he was going to buy, and Junhwe just vomited his feelings all over him. No warning. He turned his head, saw Jinhwan’s sleepy smile pressed against his shoulder blade, and went: “I really really like you.”
Jinhwan hadn’t even pretended to not know the weight of Junhwe’s words or what they meant. It’s not like Jinhwan could dismiss it with a ’Hey, I like you too bro!’ convincingly. Junhwe wasn’t Bobby, randomly blurting out declarations of love whenever he felt like it. Sometimes Junhwe had a hard time admitting he wasn’t displeased.
Anyway, Jinhwan rejected him, and they had both bought their respective snacks awkwardly while not talking to each other. Needless to say, the van ride home wasn’t fun for either of them.
At the core of it, there’s no real personal malice whenever Donghyuk and Junhwe butt heads. Arguments with Donghyuk are always the result of one of them being in a sour mood, and never vice versa. Most of the time they end up solving themselves since Donghyuk is too nice and Junhwe too lazy to hold an empty grudge. However, whenever Hanbin or Jinhwan manage to get a whiff of an argument within the band, they force the guilty parties into a mediation session as a pre-emptive measure in case it happens to be worse than it looks (it’s more Jinhwan’s idea than Hanbin’s, to be honest). Unfortunately, Hanbin happened to be outside the bathroom this morning when Junhwe was reaming into Donghyuk for clogging the shower drain, and so now they’re separated. Donghyuk going for a walk with Hanbin around the apartment complex, and Junhwe inside the van with Jinhwan.
It’s unfair mostly because Hanbin is only second to Junhwe in regards to his inability to tolerate honest communication, and so he almost always spends the entire time making casual conversation and laughing. Jinhwan on the other hand, makes you talk and reflect and all that other stuff Junhwe hates having to dwell on. Every bit of Junhwe is screaming at him to either run or roll his eyes. The whiny, high pitched”What?” he lets out instead is a product of much resilience, Junhwe will have you know.
"The battles over, you can stop being so tense all the time," Jinhwan says.
“Not that I’m not already super chill, but what does that have to do with anything? Will me being less,” Junhwe does a small shoulder shimmy “tense make Donghyuk stop shedding so much hair?”
"It'll definitely make you care a lot less." Jinhwan moves a little bit closer into Junhwe's space, leaning forward so his body is turned towards him. "Plus you're a lot more like yourself when you're less." He grins at Junhwe, and copies his shoulder shimmy. Except suddenly it's a lot less sardonic and at least fifty times cuter. "Tense."
Junhwe is a goner.
He clears his throat. "I have a few ideas that'll help me uh… lose some... tension."
Jinhwan cocks his head to the side. "Oh? Make a list, I'll pass it on to Hanbin and maybe we can do it as a group."
If Junhwe ever regrets dropping out of high school, it’s now. There was probably a wealth of valuable experience to be earned which would have made this situation a lot less humiliating. Or at the very least he’d have filled his embarrassment quota in a matter of years instead of having it rationed throughout his life during critical moments.
"Um," Junhwe tries, "I don't think my suggestions would be appropriate for..." He trails off when he notices Jinhwan's lips thinning and trembling. "Ha ha ha," Junhwe deadpans, dropping his head onto the seat in front of him. "Shut up!" he groans, ears burning at the sound of Jinhwan’s laughter.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I really appreciate the effort!” He doesn't move when Jinhwan nudges his shoulder. "Junhwe-yah!"
Once Junhwe's face returns to it's normal pigmentation and he’s relatively sure he can look at Jinhwan without wanting to jump out a window, he turns his head. Jinhwan is eye level with him, head resting on the adjacent seat, a fond smile decorating his face.
“Hi,” Junhwe says. His throat clicks when he swallows. “I’ll uh. I’ll apologise to Donghyuk later.”
Jinhwan raises an eyebrow. “Good,” he says, “that’s good.”
Neither of them speak for what seems like an eternity in Junhwe's head, like it's some kind of test. He's beginning to feel agitated, fingers twisting around each other in his lap, and he stares at the mole on Jinhwan's cheek to calm himself down. His tactic fails stupendously when Jinhwan's tongue peeks out to wet his lips.
He doesn't recall moving forward but he must have, because Jinhwan flinches away. He's also sure he must make a pathetic sight, because Jinhwan frowns apologetically at him and lifts a hand up to run his thumb over Junhwe's lips as some kind of consolation.
"Sorry," Jinhwan says. He let's his hand drop and Junhwe misses the texture and weight of it. "No."
It's pretty pointless to ask why because it never changes anything or gives Junhwe any new knowledge to prevent future incidents of sexual frustration from occurring. But he asks anyway.
Jinhwan holds up three fingers. "Because, three." He folds one finger. "Two." He folds another finger. "One." He folds the last finger and the van door is pulled open, startling Junhwe out of the strange Jinhwan induced daze he had fallen in -- which happens more often than he’s comfortable admitting.
Hanbin pokes his head in, followed by Donghyuk, Junhwe wants to slam the door on both their-- alright no, that's a bit extreme. But let it be known he isn't feeling particularly favourable towards either of them right now.
“Did you get it all out Junhwe?” Hanbin asks. Junhwe nods, and Hanbin pushes Donghyuk into the van.
Donghyuk mouths a sorry to Junhwe, who accepts it easily and shrugs. He’s never actually that angry at Donghyuk. But Donghyuk is the only other person in the band aside from Jinhwan who’s good natured enough to understand, more or less, that Junhwe doesn’t mean most of what he says or does. Which makes him a victim of misdirected anger more often than not. It’s like God made Junhwe, saw how emotionally stunted he was, and said ”let there be Donghyuk”, then decided to console Junhwe by saying ”let there be Jinhwan”, but then changed his mind at the last minute and decided Junhwe’s life wasn’t hard enough and went ”let there be Hanbin and Bobby and YG.”. Yeah, that sounds about right.
He’s lost in his thoughts, so when Jinhwan climbs over him, he instinctively grabs his waist to pull him down. He only realises what he’s done because Jinhwan pinches the skin of his neck, causing him to jolt in his seat and Jinhwan’s head to hit the top of the van. Donghyuk laughs, and Hanbin looks more entertained by Junhwe’s antics than suspicious -- probably because he empathises with the need to manhandle Jinhwan. But when Junhwe looks up at Jinhwan, his mouth is small and thin. Jinhwan hasn’t ever looked at Junhwe with anything like resentment before, and even though this is still far off, it’s the closest it’s been.
Junhwe let’s go of Jinhwan immediately, suddenly feeling like his insides were sagging. Jinhwan scrambles off him and jumps out of the van next to Hanbin, who absently wraps an arm around his shoulders.
“We’re just going to go get some food, the other three should be coming in a minute. Stay good, alright?” Hanbin says.
“Yes Hyung,” Donghyuk replies. He prods Junhwe, who for some reason feels too guilty to even talk, and adds, “Junhwe too.”
When the seven of them are all finally tucked into the van, Jinhwan reaches out to quickly press a hand against Junhwe’s neck, before doing exactly the same thing to Donghyuk. Donghyuk preens, but Junhwe knows it was intended to be some sort of comfort for him alone. The small gesture of affection does nothing to alleviate the pang in Junhwe’s chest, and he spends the rest of the ride mulling over it while Jinhwan talks to Hanbin less than half a metre away. Bobby notices Junhwe’s silence and tries to draw him into whatever fruitless conversation he was having with Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, and Donghyuk, but Junhwe can barely contribute one mean sentence before the need to mope becomes too overwhelming.
They practice for around three hours, before Bobby tells Hanbin to give them a break, and they’re given fifteen minutes to recuperate. Exhaustion is surprisingly effective at shaking Junhwe out of any bouts of negativity he’s currently in, so he forgets that he’s meant to be embarrassed, guilty, or something towards Jinhwan, and follows him unthinkingly when the latter suggests they get some air together.
Jinhwan leads him into a dark hallway near some empty practice rooms instead.
“Hey, Junhwe, I’m sorry,” Jinhwan says.
Not surprisingly, Junhwe doesn’t feel better. “Alright,” he says apathetically.
Jinhwan moves forward, pressing himself against Junhwe, and stands on his tip-toes to kiss him on the mouth. It shouldn’t, but Junhwe is still ultimately an extremely weak willed teenager, so it does a shamefully good job of lifting his spirits. Jinwan tugs on Junhwe's lower lip with his teeth when he finally moves back, and it’s so unfair, he could end wars with that technique.
“Better?” Jinhwan asks knowingly.
“No,” Junhwe lies. Jinhwan sees right through it and squeezes Junhwe’s hands where they’d gone to wrap around Jinhwan’s waist of their own accord.
“Just, don’t you remember what I said about being careful?” Jinhwan says when they’re slowly making their way back to the practice room, hands brushing against each other with every step. “I was being serious. Even if it isn’t technically anything, it’s not something anyone needs to find out about. It’s unfair to everyone else, they’re all working so hard and even though they don’t act like it, I know they’re even more wired up than they were during Mix and Match. Just try and be a little more attentive for the group? For me?”
It’s nothing Junhwe hasn’t heard before or already knows himself, but maybe because it’s a pretty shitty day to start with, this time it manages to get under his skin a little bit. He sucks it down though, and complies. “Yeah, sorry. I just slipped up.”
It’s a feeble answer to his own ears, but it pacifies Jinhwan somewhat, and the rest of the day goes by normally. There’s still something at the back of his mind though, a niggling weight he can’t get rid off or identify. But he figures he’d rather be fighting silent battles with himself than with Jinhwan.
Junhwe should have seen this coming, especially since he’s noticed Yunhyeong acting strange the entire week. Okay, he didn’t notice, but Jinhwan had told him ”Hey, do you notice Yunhyeong acting strange?” when they were making out in the bathroom while everyone else was asleep (Junhwe isn’t proud. He really isn’t), and since then he’d kept an eye out. It wasn’t anything obvious, except Junhwe catches Yunhyeong staring at him conflictingly a few times too many, and whenever they’re alone together it almost seems like he’s nervous. As far as Junhwe can tell, Yunhyeong is still acting normally towards everyone else, except for possibly Jinhwan.
In retrospect, yeah he definitely should have seen this coming.
Donghyuk and Chanwoo are in their rooms, Bobby, Hanbin and Jinhwan were out being repulsive or something -- Junhwe doesn’t really care -- when Yunhyeong sits next to him on the couch. Junhwe doesn’t look up from his iPad, murmuring a “Hey Hyung” while scrolling through the screen. Inwardly, he sort of hopes Yunhyeong hasn’t decided to finally tell Junhwe his problem, because he’s really not well equipped to deal with that sort of thing. Then again, Yunhyeong knows him well enough to know it’s easier to bypass Junhwe altogether and go straight for literally anyone else in regards to those types of topics.
“So…” Yunhyeong coughs, and Junhwe tenses. Was this another hidden camera? He puts his iPad down and sits up to reach for Yunhyeong’s shirt. He tugs at it and feels around for a microphone.
Yunhyeong pushes him back down, batting his hands away. “No, it’s not a hidden camera!” he assures. He coughs again and Junhwe narrows his eyes. “I promise. I just, well…”
Junhwe sits up straight, back against the armrest, arms folded against his chest. “What? What is it.”
“So last week during practice, I uh…”
“You…”
“I just needed some time alone to think, and so I wandered off for a walk...” Yunhyeong looks like someone was stabbing the words out of him. Junhwe is getting worried. It sounds like this could be potentially emotional.
“Hey uh, look maybe you should wait until one of the Hyungs come--”
“I saw you kissing Jinhwan Hyung!”
Junhwe almost falls off his seat. He quickly looks around to make sure they were still alone in the living room, and for extra measure calls out “Donghyuk! Chanwoo!”. He’s holding Yunhyeong tightly by the wrist when the two eventually shuffle out of their rooms.
“What? What happened?” Donghyuk asks, annoyed.
Confident that neither of them had heard anything, he dismisses them with “Nothing. Go away,” before pulling Yunhyeong off the couch and into his room. He slams the door shut, and knocks his head against it.
“Junhwe it really isn’t that big of a deal,” Yunhyeong says, patting his shoulder. “It’s just that well, I’m pretty confident it isn’t common knowledge. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay?”
Junhwe turns so that his back is pressed against the door. Even though technically he’s the one who’d dragged Yunhyeong in here against his own will, it feels like he’s been cornered. He convinces himself the situation was salvageable. After all, Yunhyeong had only seen them kissing right? Kissing is nothing. He’s pretty sure if Jinhwan allowed it, Bobby and Hanbin would be showering him with platonic kisses any chance they got. He wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t doing it privately anyway -- Junhwe ends the train of thought there, since that way lies too many sullen musings to sift through. He has more pressing issues at hand. All he has to do is play it off like nothing. A feat which would have probably been easier had he not panicked earlier, but whatever, this is hardly the most difficult task Junhwe’s faced in his life.
“Why wouldn’t everything be okay?” he asks. That was definitely not the easy dismissal he had planned in his head.
Yunhyeong takes a seat on the swivel chair, stomach against the backrest, and rests his chin on his arms. “I don’t know, it’s just a complicated situation to be in. Especially since I’m presuming I’m correct in saying you haven’t told anyone?” Junhwe doesn’t reply, Yunhyeong takes it as an affirmative. “A relationship is tough work, especially when you don’t have anyone to lean on.”
Junhwe cringes, it feels like caterpillars are crawling up his skin. Yunhyeong notices and grins, similar to how Jinhwan purposefully says things like ”it was not my lips you kissed, but my soul” when they’re fooling around just to see Junhwe squirm. It’s always the nicest people who are the most evil.
“You have your Jinhwan face on,” Yunhyeong sings, kicking his legs.
“What? No I don’t.”
“So you acknowledge that you do, in fact, have a Jinhwan face?”
This definitely isn’t going the way Junhwe hoped it would. He tries to steer the conversation back to the right direction. “We’re not in a relationship,” he says bluntly. It takes a few seconds to realise he’s being completely honest which, heh, isn’t that convenient.
It looks like Yunhyeong actually deflates. “Why not?” he says.
Junhwe stalls before saying: “Dating ban”. Even the words taste bitter and artificial on his tongue. He doesn’t add in Jinhwan’s worries about them betraying their bandmates trust, losing their faith, and disappointing them, because honestly?
“I don’t know,” Junhwe sighs, flopping down onto the bed and feeling his muscles sink into the mattress. He closes his eyes. He’s tired, exhausted. Didn’t even realise how taxed he was until now.
Yunhyeong scoots closer to him, stopping when the chair hits the edge of the bed. “This is exactly why I was worried,” he says. Junhwe takes note of how decidedly not betrayed and disappointed he sounds. “Come on, tell me everything.”
Junhwe doesn’t tell him everything. Doesn’t even tell him half of it. But he tells him more than he means to, and definitely a lot more than Jinhwan would want him to. He can acknowledge now that he royally screwed over any chance of denial when he almost ripped Yunhyeong’s arm off, but he still feels kind of guilty, like he’d broken a promise to Jinhwan. Even if the guilt is muted by the sheer amount of everything he didn’t know he was feeling until now.
Honestly, Junhwe doesn’t even think Jinhwan buys the dating ban excuse as much as he thinks he does -- otherwise he wouldn’t have started the vague ‘nothing’ they were currently doing. However, Jinhwan is pretty convinced that if any of the other members found out they’d kick them both out of the band, and that’s what Junhwe can’t understand. He doesn’t underestimate the fact not all of them will be as easily accepting of it as Yunhyeong, but ultimately he can’t really see it being a big deal. Heck, if it was left up to Junhwe he’d have just told all of them on the first day and then tell them to get the fuck over it. Ironically, when Jinhwan first told him “no” he had been heartbroken -- Junhwe didn’t think he was even capable of so much wallowing -- but he’s beginning to wonder if he’d prefer a straight up rebuff, over this wishy washy not-relationship they were currently in.
“Have you told Jinhwan this?” Yunhyeong asks. He’d listened to Junhwe patiently, not interrupting once even when it was obvious he really wanted to.
“No,” Junhwe says, pushing the pillow into his face. “And before you ask, I don’t plan to.”
Yunhyeong looks like he’s about to provide insight that Junhwe doesn’t want to hear, so he cuts him off. “And no matter what you say, I won’t change my mind.”
Junhwe can hear the front door opening, Bobby and Hanbin’s voices announcing their return like they’d just come back from conquering some foreign land instead of just literally down the street to eat convenience store ramen. Yunhyeong sighs and lifts himself off the chair before patting Junhwe on the back.
“If you need to talk, I’m here.”
Junhwe hums before abruptly lifting his head off the bed and waving Yunhyeong back with a flourish of his arm. “Wait! This should be obvious, but don’t tell Jinhwan Hyung.”
Yunhyeong nods, “Yeah, of course.”
“Tell Jinhwan Hyung what?” The voice is playful and easy, but it’s like ice shoots up Junhwe’s spine and he does a silent prayer when he slowly turns his head towards the door.
Bobby stands at the doorway, leaning against it casually and quirking an eyebrow at Yunhyeong and Junhwe. Probably expecting them to say they spilt chocolate on Jinhwan’s pyjamas or something. Under his left arm is Jinhwan, whose eyes switch between focusing on Junhwe lying on the bed, and Yunhyeong frozen in front of him, and Junhwe braces himself. When the penny finally drops Jinhwan widens his eyes at Yunhyeong and Junhwe can see the blood drain from his face.
Junhwe is fucked.
Junhwe, all things considered, is actually doing pretty okay. He has -- what Donghyuk calls a character flaw but Junhwe recognises as a survival mechanism -- a tendency to internalise his feelings. So nobody ever knows what's going on in Junhwe's head at any particular moment, which is a damn shame because no one else can appreciate how well Junhwe is holding himself up. Donghyuk griped at him when Junhwe cut in front of him in the line at the Café they were currently at, when he really should have been holding Junhwe in esteem for managing to compartmentalise his feelings so well. Because even though no one knows, it's been about a week and a half since Jinhwan had turned Junhwe away and crushed him and wounded his feelings and ripped his heart right out of his chest and--
He's fine, really. At the very least, he doesn't blame Jinhwan for not liking him back. Even though his flight or fight instincts blair everytime Jinhwan comes in close vicinity of him, he hasn’t ignored him since the first day. Jinhwan initially looked surprised when Junhwe had ran ahead of the group to stroll next to him on their way to the YG building, but his expression of alarm had quickly morphed into one of quiet relief and he'd begun chatting about their new routine while Junhwe nodded along, nails digging into his palm. Jinhwan had even given Junhwe a gift card as some kind of peace offering, which Junhwe then used on the terrible coffee he was currently drinking. Junhwe purses his mouth and swirls the drink around in his cup -- it was way too sweet. Why did Junhwe order this? It's fucking terrible.
"Is that Hazelnut?" Jinhwan asks, plopping himself down on the seat next to Junhwe. He inhales, closing his eyes and sighing. "It is. My favourite. Can I have some?"
Junhwe looks down at his cup, disgusted at himself first and foremost, and the coffee a close second. He slides the cup towards Jinhwan. "Have all of it. Not a fan of the taste."
Jinhwan flashes Junhwe a bemused look, but accepts the coffee without question. He takes a sip and makes a pleased sound. Junhwe looks away, picking up a packet of sugar from the table and ripping it to shreds.
“She left her number,” Jinhwan says.
“What?” Junhwe spares a glance at the cardboard coffee cup in Jinhwan’s hand, and he sees the messy numbers scrawled near the bottom. He looks over at the girl at the counter, who was currently serving Bobby and trying her best to look patient -- Junhwe knows that feeling all too well. She’s pretty too, probably Junhwe’s type if he had one.
“We have a dating ban,” Jinhwan reminds him. More sternly than necessary. Junhwe knows they have a dating ban. He’s been nothing but obedient when it comes to following company orders. Even when they decided to put him through two survival shows, add in three new trainees, and make Junhwe jump through hoops to score a place in a group he felt like he was already a part of.
“I know that,” Junhwe says, sounding as annoyed as he feels. Jinhwan probably picks up on the shift of mood, because his next words are designed to be placating.
“I know you do. It’s just that she’s really pretty, and it’s easy to do things spur of the moment.” Jinhwan takes a long sip from his coffee.
It’s only once they’re all outside, walking back towards the YG building, that it clicks in Junhwe’s head, and he grabs Jinhwan by his jacket to make him slow down while the rest stride ahead.
“That was different,” Junhwe blurts out. Jinhwan is confused.
“Huh?”
“When I told you last week…” Junhwe has trouble getting the words out, it’s like someone filled his mouth with chalk. Realisation seems to have also dawned on Jinhwan, who now looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Junhwe should really do both of them a favour and stop talking. “That was. It was different,” he finishes lamely.
He’s hopeful that Jinhwan too will just drop it. Of course, Junhwe hoping very rarely turns out well.
“How was it different?” Jinhwan demands. He’s incredibly good at masking how he’s feeling, and his stance is relaxed and easy, which means he’s prepared to patiently engage in this conversation no matter how long it takes. It also means there’s no way Junhwe can rely on Jinwhan’s mercy and awkward himself out of it like he usually does.
“Well for one, you aren’t some random barista I’ve never talked to before.”
“And if I was?”
“If you were… I would give you a really good tip?” Jinhwan is beginning to look annoyed, so Junhwe amends and says: “Do you mean would I still…”
“Yes Junhwe, that’s what I mean.”
“Then no, I guess. Since I wouldn’t really know you. Unless, is this an alternate universe? Would I still be a trainee? Are any of us still trainees? I’d probably be in school. Would you even be in Seoul in that case? Why would you move all the way to Seoul just to be a barista when your mum owns a Café--”
Jinhwan sighs loudly, cutting Junhwe off for the good of humanity. “Forget it,” he says.
“These are legitimate questions! You can’t--”
Junhwe’s been dreaming about kissing Jinhwan for years. In real life it’s both a lot better and a lot worse. A lot better because Jinhwan as a real, tangible being, is always better than dream Jinhwan. Junhwe can actually hold him in his arms, has to bend Jinhwan’s neck backwards to deepen the kiss, can bury his head in Jinhwan’s shoulder when it becomes overwhelming. A lot worse because he doesn’t get to do any of those things because Jinhwan pulls away so fast, that if he were anyone else, Junhwe wouldn’t even have registered it happening.
Jinhwan looks towards where the other five members were still walking ahead of them obliviously, and relaxes somehwat. Junhwe’s head is still reeling which is why he doesn’t notice how high strung Jinhwan was until then, and also why he doesn’t have an opportunity to say anything before Jinhwan is off running to where Hanbin was at the front of the group.
Bobby, the loveable beefcake, had bought the harried excuse Yunhyeong had provided of Junhwe accidentally peeing on Jinhwan’s bed. Junhwe would have strangled Yunhyeong on the spot if he couldn’t feel Jinhwan’s eyes burn into the back of his head like laserbeams.
Despite Junhwe’s greatest -- possibly melodramatic -- fear being that Jinhwan would never talk to him again, he finds that the real issue is the fact Jinhwan keeps trying to talk to him, but Junhwe doesn’t want to put himself through that pain. Jinhwan’s attempt to corner Junhwe are commendable, but all Junhwe has to do is make sure he always has a member near him. Jinhwan is then left to silently stew, looking at Junhwe like he really had, not only peed on his bed, but also his dog and entire family.
For the record, he had tried to talk to Jinhwan, but the first thing out of Jinhwan’s mouth was ”Listen, if you have a problem can you please talk to me first instead of acting like a kid and--”. Which was more than enough information to go off for Junhwe to know he never wanted to have that conversation, and he had called out “Donghyuk!” before Jinhwan could really get into his tirade. Since then he’s been going around clinging to all of the members like he was playing a game of musical chairs. Donghyuk thinks this is Junhwe finally making an attempt to become more social, so really, everyone wins.
Junhwe however, had failed to consider one fine detail. That detail being, Jinhwan was a 22 year old adult who’d been in and out of relationships before, while Junhwe was a dumb 19 year old who dropped out of high school and whose first real relationship was with aforementioned experienced 22 year adult. Jinhwan knew the game, Junhwe didn’t stand a chance.
Four days go past without Jinhwan trying to accost him whenever he left the bathroom, and Junhwe is afraid to say he’s let his guard down. So he doesn’t realise the terrible mistake he’s made when he leaves practice to take a bathroom break alone, until he comes back and almost runs into Jinhwan as soon as he’s through the door. Before he can react, Jinhwan runs behind him and locks the door, smirking triumphantly.
Hypothetically, Junhwe could probably take on Jinhwan. He has over ten centimetres on him, a lot more body mass. Fighting his way out of the situation wasn’t implausible. Then he remembers that he isn’t in a playground argument, and if he’s going down, he should go down with his head held high. He is an adult, he can have a civil conversation and come out the other side perfectly fine.
Jinhwan, from the way he’s constantly running his fingers through his hair, evidently isn’t taking the same approach to the situation. Junhwe should probably talk first, so he has the upper hand. He just needs to actually think of something to say. He didn’t exactly come into this with flash cards.
Jinhwan beats him to the punch and bites out: “This is precisely why I said no to you the first time.”
Junhwe doesn’t lose his patience at Jinhwan, ever. He also doesn’t like having his heart played like a yoyo either. “Technically Hyung, you never said yes the second time.”
“Let me finish,” Jinhwan grinds out. Junhwe wants to say something back, but Jinhwan didn’t rapidly become his favourite person without being afforded certain luxuries Junhwe doesn’t give others. “Why would you tell Yunhyeong? Right after I very specifically told you the members didn’t need to know.”
“I didn’t tell Yunhyeong Hyung. He caught us in an… incriminating act… two weeks ago in the hallway. A position, may I add, you initiated.”
Jinhwan still looks frustrated, but his gaze becomes less accusatory, and he lets out a long exhale. He looks smaller than usual. Junhwe isn’t going to lie, the first time he realised he was attracted to Jinhwan was when he came back from a family holiday having undergone his biggest growth spurt yet. He’d crashed into Jinhwan on his first day back to the company, and Jinhwan looked so fucking tiny clinging onto Junhwe’s arms, trying to stop himself from falling to the floor. So Junhwe has a size kink. Go figure.
“Okay, sorry,” Jinhwan’s shoulders slump, and he looks defeated. “It was my fault. Though at least all this unnecessary drama gave me time to reconsider things.”
It’s like someone just dumped a bucket of ice water over Junhwe’s head. “Reconsider what?”
Junhwe knows the look on Jinhwan’s face much too well. It’s guilt.
“The risks…” Jinhwan says slowly. As if somehow Junhwe was meant to go ”ah yes, the risks! Of course!” and understand everything. “At first, I thought the risks were too great, and I was putting way too much on the line to indulge a crush. Then I thought otherwise, that as long as I’m careful and don’t involve too many other people, it would be fine. Then I realised, that maybe I was right the first time?” He looks at Junhwe questioningly, like he was asking him to help solve this unfortunate predicament for him. Fuck that. Junhwe will tell it like it is.
“I don’t have a crush on you,” Junhwe says.
Junhwe’s brain is the worst.
That was definitely the wrong thing to say, because to Jinhwan it was clearly the right thing to say. “I never said you did. You’re still young though, and you’re under an immense amount of pressure. Your emotions end up getting warped--”
“Where is this coming from? I don’t understand. You’re making some really grand assumptions about my feelings for someone who doesn’t know them.”
“I’m not making any assumptions about your feelings,” Jinhwan retorts, “I was just giving you something to think about. I was mostly talking about mine.”
That hurts. More than Junhwe cares to admit or show. He could deal and understand Jinhwan’s hesitance in actually having a relationship because he prioritised the group over Junhwe. He could even take Jinhwan trivialising his feelings into some flimsy teenage crush if it helped him rationalise things for his own peace of mind. Needless to say, he could tolerate a whole fucking lot from Jinhwan, because most of the time it came from a good place. Jinhwan has so much responsibility on his shoulders, he never wants to let anyone down, so there’s bound to be cracks in his foundation.
This though. Ouch.
“Okay so the problem is you don’t like me, and the pressure messed with your feelings and made you indulge a crush you wouldn’t have even entertained in any other situation. Is that right?”
Jinhwan looks alarmed. Junhwe doesn’t know why, he’s just repeating what he said back to him.
“That’s… you can’t phrase it like that.”
“Why not? I just put it in a nice, succinct sentence. So tell me, is that the problem?” If they weren’t fighting before, and it was just a misunderstanding, then they’re definitely fighting now. Junhwe is standing tall and firm, but inside all he wants is for Jinhwan to take it all back and deny it. However, if life has taught him anything, it’s that he never gets what he wants unless he sweats blood and tears for it.
“It’s not a problem, it’s just something I’ve been--”
“You’re right, it doesn’t sound like a problem at all. Especially when the solution is so simple.” Junhwe pushes past Jinhwan to get to the door. Jinhwan doesn’t stop him when he unlocks it and storms out. He runs into Hanbin on the stairs, and murmurs some excuse about feeling dizzy and needing some rest. Junhwe never misses practice, even when he’s running on two hours of sleep with a flu. Right now though, he doesn’t think his body can do anything except take him as far away from Jinhwan as possible. He must look distressed, because Hanbin pats his cheek and tells him to rest up, and asks if Jinhwan should walk him back to the dorm. That is literally the last thing Junhwe wants, so he shakes his head and bolts before Hanbin can interrogate him further.
Junhwe didn’t cry when Jinhwan rejected him that first time, and he doesn’t cry now. He wishes he could though, just cry all his frustration out so he’s drained and empty and doesn’t have to carry everything inside of him.
next
junhwe/jinhwan
pg-13, 13,250 words
Junhwe has a rule where he doesn't deal with anything that makes his life harder than it has to be. Jinhwan is, to no surprise, the exception.
(the gdoc for this fic was titled this. which tbh, is the more accurate summary and the only warning you'll really need)
Junhwe mistakenly believed that over time the brutal practice sessions would become easier. They have in a way -- he’s definitely a lot more used to them now -- but as they get closer to the idea of debuting, the mental burden ends up usurping the already strenuous physical one. Resulting in an overall experience that he’s pretty sure would have crushed him had he been forced to undergo it when he first joined the company.
They’re going through their showcase routine for the twenty seventh time this afternoon, and the better they get, the more unsatisfied Hanbin becomes at their progress. It gets to the point where Jinhwan has to force Hanbin to call a break, under the guise of worrying about the group’s stamina, when really it’s for the sake of Hanbin’s sanity. Junhwe is thankful, even though the breakdown of Hanbin’s psyche has always fascinated him a little bit.
“Go get some food,” Jinhwan suggests, ruffling Hanbin’s hair before pushing him towards the door. No one else has to be told twice, dragging themselves up one by one.
Bobby pauses when he notices Jinhwan taking a seat on the bench, gulping down a bottle of water. “Aren’t you coming Hyung?”
Jinhwan shakes his head. “No, I’m not hungry. Just get me some strawberry ice cream when you come back.”
Junhwe on the other hand, is hungry. He’s always hungry. But, although he would have scoffed (still would scoff, actually) had someone told him this a few months ago: there are some things in life that are more valuable than food, if only by a small margin.
“I’m not hungry either,” Junhwe announces, settling himself down on the floor, back against the mirror. “Just bring me back a snack.”
“You’re not hungry? Really?” Donghyuk says, smacking him with a towel when he walks past. Jinhwan looks at him sceptically from the other side of the room too.
“Fine, I’m hungry. I just don’t want to move. Get me something filling.”
“Of course,” Donghyuk mutters, shaking his head at Junhwe before closing the door.
Once everyone leaves the practice room, it’s like a live wire is running through his veins, all the enervation from practice turning into electricity and he can feel the buzzing underneath his skin. Jinhwan isn’t looking at him, playing with the label of his water bottle, but Junhwe can see the amused smile quirking it’s way through. He doesn’t try to play it cool, knowing it’s a lost cause, and hastens to make his way over to where Jinhwan was sitting on the bench.
He leans forward, but Jinhwan puts up a hand between them because he's horrible. "Junhwe, that wasn't an invitation". He tries to sound stern but Junhwe can tell he's about a second from laughing.
Junhwe kisses his hand and feels embarrassed almost immediately afterwards. Jinhwan snorts. "Why would I need an invitation? I’m hosting this party."
"Then where’s my invitation?" Jinhwan teases. His hands which were pushing Junhwe away by the shoulders, are now curled into the collar of his jacket. Junhwe knows he's won.
"I'm giving you one." Junhwe mumbles, before he has Jinhwan pressed down on the bench. He can't believe it's come to this. His day is basically made by rushed make out sessions when no one else is around, and occasionally playing footsie underneath the table. It’s vile, but Jinhwan lips are soft and his mouth pliant, which doesn’t give Junhwe time to think of all the values he’s turned his back on.
"Jinhwan Hyung they don't have any Strawberry, do you want Vanilla instead!"
Jinhwan pushes Junhwe off himself with an unprecedented amount of strength for such a tiny person. Junhwe ends up hitting the back of his head against the hard wooden floors, and he's going to fucking kill Chanwoo the next chance he gets.
"It's fine, don't get me anything. I've lost my appetite." Jinhwan says, face pale and fingers crossed underneath the bench.
Chanwoo seems to have finally noticed their compromising position, eyes darting between Jinhwan and Junhwe before settling into a confused stare.
"What were you guys doing?"
"We were trying out some new acrobatics moves until you came in and ruined everything." Junhwe bites. Jinhwan kicks him.
"Sorry..." Chanwoo says hesitantly, walking backwards towards the door. "Hyung, are you sure you don't want anything anymore?"
Jinhwan nods. "Yeah. Incredibly sure. Actually don’t worry, I might head over there myself."
"Okay..." Chanwoo gives them one last look before leaving.
Once Junhwe hears the click of the door, he lifts himself off the ground and settles himself above Jinhwan again. His plan of action however, is thwarted when Jinhwan slides out from underneath him and grabs his practice bag, zipping it shut.
"What? Hyung, why?" Junhwe whines, falling back on the bench dramatically.
Jinhwan pulls the straps of his bag over his shoulder. "We shouldn't have been doing anything in the first place." He leans over Junhwe and uses the advantageous height to push Junhwe’s sweaty bangs away from his eyes.
Junhwe wants to grab Jinhwan's hand and pull him down on top of him. However, he's more or less learnt how to manoeuvre situations like this, and knows right now Jinhwan is akin to a startled deer. One wrong move and he'll flee.
"Hey," Jinhwan says quietly, halting his ministrations on Junhwe's hair. "Don't make this harder than it already is."
Junhwe opens one eye and looks at the soft smile on Jinhwan's face. "You are so manipulative. Fine. Go," he grumbles, turning over so he's facing the wall.
Jinhwan hums from behind him. "Come on, let's walk to the store together."
"No," Junhwe replies. "I need to recuperate, I have to get over the rejection."
Junhwe’s been rejected before. Plenty of times, actually.
The first time had been in front of a camera, unstated, but obvious in the dismissive handwave he received from the casting director. He's become pretty apt at handling that kind of rejection. It's devastating and unnerving every time, but he just keeps working harder and trying again and again until the cycle stops.
The first time he's rejected personally, he takes it like any spoilt and overly loved 13 year old boy does. That is, not very well. He spends an entire week sulking, stealing Misoo's lunch, and giving her the cold shoulder, until she finally has enough and punches him in the face for being a dickhead. His nose takes less time to heal than his pride, but there was a lesson learnt there somewhere.
When Jinhwan rejects him he doesn't know if he takes it better or worse than he would have at 13. He certainly feels a lot worse, but at least he isn't going around telling everyone Jinhwan had cooties.
The casting director didn't really care about Junhwe one way or another, Misoo laughed at his face, but Jinhwan looks like saying "Junhwe-yah, I can't. I'm sorry." is the hardest thing he'd had to utter in his 20 years of existence -- which, seriously? It can't be easy rejecting a friend, but Jinhwan could really use some perspective.
Junhwe hadn’t even articulately confessed or anything. He had blurted it out, spur of the moment, his judgement impaired by the long flight and impending jet lag. They’d both gone to buy some snacks before they had to be ushered into the van, Jinhwan had leant against Junhwe’s back to check out the brand of pocky he was going to buy, and Junhwe just vomited his feelings all over him. No warning. He turned his head, saw Jinhwan’s sleepy smile pressed against his shoulder blade, and went: “I really really like you.”
Jinhwan hadn’t even pretended to not know the weight of Junhwe’s words or what they meant. It’s not like Jinhwan could dismiss it with a ’Hey, I like you too bro!’ convincingly. Junhwe wasn’t Bobby, randomly blurting out declarations of love whenever he felt like it. Sometimes Junhwe had a hard time admitting he wasn’t displeased.
Anyway, Jinhwan rejected him, and they had both bought their respective snacks awkwardly while not talking to each other. Needless to say, the van ride home wasn’t fun for either of them.
At the core of it, there’s no real personal malice whenever Donghyuk and Junhwe butt heads. Arguments with Donghyuk are always the result of one of them being in a sour mood, and never vice versa. Most of the time they end up solving themselves since Donghyuk is too nice and Junhwe too lazy to hold an empty grudge. However, whenever Hanbin or Jinhwan manage to get a whiff of an argument within the band, they force the guilty parties into a mediation session as a pre-emptive measure in case it happens to be worse than it looks (it’s more Jinhwan’s idea than Hanbin’s, to be honest). Unfortunately, Hanbin happened to be outside the bathroom this morning when Junhwe was reaming into Donghyuk for clogging the shower drain, and so now they’re separated. Donghyuk going for a walk with Hanbin around the apartment complex, and Junhwe inside the van with Jinhwan.
It’s unfair mostly because Hanbin is only second to Junhwe in regards to his inability to tolerate honest communication, and so he almost always spends the entire time making casual conversation and laughing. Jinhwan on the other hand, makes you talk and reflect and all that other stuff Junhwe hates having to dwell on. Every bit of Junhwe is screaming at him to either run or roll his eyes. The whiny, high pitched”What?” he lets out instead is a product of much resilience, Junhwe will have you know.
"The battles over, you can stop being so tense all the time," Jinhwan says.
“Not that I’m not already super chill, but what does that have to do with anything? Will me being less,” Junhwe does a small shoulder shimmy “tense make Donghyuk stop shedding so much hair?”
"It'll definitely make you care a lot less." Jinhwan moves a little bit closer into Junhwe's space, leaning forward so his body is turned towards him. "Plus you're a lot more like yourself when you're less." He grins at Junhwe, and copies his shoulder shimmy. Except suddenly it's a lot less sardonic and at least fifty times cuter. "Tense."
Junhwe is a goner.
He clears his throat. "I have a few ideas that'll help me uh… lose some... tension."
Jinhwan cocks his head to the side. "Oh? Make a list, I'll pass it on to Hanbin and maybe we can do it as a group."
If Junhwe ever regrets dropping out of high school, it’s now. There was probably a wealth of valuable experience to be earned which would have made this situation a lot less humiliating. Or at the very least he’d have filled his embarrassment quota in a matter of years instead of having it rationed throughout his life during critical moments.
"Um," Junhwe tries, "I don't think my suggestions would be appropriate for..." He trails off when he notices Jinhwan's lips thinning and trembling. "Ha ha ha," Junhwe deadpans, dropping his head onto the seat in front of him. "Shut up!" he groans, ears burning at the sound of Jinhwan’s laughter.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I really appreciate the effort!” He doesn't move when Jinhwan nudges his shoulder. "Junhwe-yah!"
Once Junhwe's face returns to it's normal pigmentation and he’s relatively sure he can look at Jinhwan without wanting to jump out a window, he turns his head. Jinhwan is eye level with him, head resting on the adjacent seat, a fond smile decorating his face.
“Hi,” Junhwe says. His throat clicks when he swallows. “I’ll uh. I’ll apologise to Donghyuk later.”
Jinhwan raises an eyebrow. “Good,” he says, “that’s good.”
Neither of them speak for what seems like an eternity in Junhwe's head, like it's some kind of test. He's beginning to feel agitated, fingers twisting around each other in his lap, and he stares at the mole on Jinhwan's cheek to calm himself down. His tactic fails stupendously when Jinhwan's tongue peeks out to wet his lips.
He doesn't recall moving forward but he must have, because Jinhwan flinches away. He's also sure he must make a pathetic sight, because Jinhwan frowns apologetically at him and lifts a hand up to run his thumb over Junhwe's lips as some kind of consolation.
"Sorry," Jinhwan says. He let's his hand drop and Junhwe misses the texture and weight of it. "No."
It's pretty pointless to ask why because it never changes anything or gives Junhwe any new knowledge to prevent future incidents of sexual frustration from occurring. But he asks anyway.
Jinhwan holds up three fingers. "Because, three." He folds one finger. "Two." He folds another finger. "One." He folds the last finger and the van door is pulled open, startling Junhwe out of the strange Jinhwan induced daze he had fallen in -- which happens more often than he’s comfortable admitting.
Hanbin pokes his head in, followed by Donghyuk, Junhwe wants to slam the door on both their-- alright no, that's a bit extreme. But let it be known he isn't feeling particularly favourable towards either of them right now.
“Did you get it all out Junhwe?” Hanbin asks. Junhwe nods, and Hanbin pushes Donghyuk into the van.
Donghyuk mouths a sorry to Junhwe, who accepts it easily and shrugs. He’s never actually that angry at Donghyuk. But Donghyuk is the only other person in the band aside from Jinhwan who’s good natured enough to understand, more or less, that Junhwe doesn’t mean most of what he says or does. Which makes him a victim of misdirected anger more often than not. It’s like God made Junhwe, saw how emotionally stunted he was, and said ”let there be Donghyuk”, then decided to console Junhwe by saying ”let there be Jinhwan”, but then changed his mind at the last minute and decided Junhwe’s life wasn’t hard enough and went ”let there be Hanbin and Bobby and YG.”. Yeah, that sounds about right.
He’s lost in his thoughts, so when Jinhwan climbs over him, he instinctively grabs his waist to pull him down. He only realises what he’s done because Jinhwan pinches the skin of his neck, causing him to jolt in his seat and Jinhwan’s head to hit the top of the van. Donghyuk laughs, and Hanbin looks more entertained by Junhwe’s antics than suspicious -- probably because he empathises with the need to manhandle Jinhwan. But when Junhwe looks up at Jinhwan, his mouth is small and thin. Jinhwan hasn’t ever looked at Junhwe with anything like resentment before, and even though this is still far off, it’s the closest it’s been.
Junhwe let’s go of Jinhwan immediately, suddenly feeling like his insides were sagging. Jinhwan scrambles off him and jumps out of the van next to Hanbin, who absently wraps an arm around his shoulders.
“We’re just going to go get some food, the other three should be coming in a minute. Stay good, alright?” Hanbin says.
“Yes Hyung,” Donghyuk replies. He prods Junhwe, who for some reason feels too guilty to even talk, and adds, “Junhwe too.”
When the seven of them are all finally tucked into the van, Jinhwan reaches out to quickly press a hand against Junhwe’s neck, before doing exactly the same thing to Donghyuk. Donghyuk preens, but Junhwe knows it was intended to be some sort of comfort for him alone. The small gesture of affection does nothing to alleviate the pang in Junhwe’s chest, and he spends the rest of the ride mulling over it while Jinhwan talks to Hanbin less than half a metre away. Bobby notices Junhwe’s silence and tries to draw him into whatever fruitless conversation he was having with Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, and Donghyuk, but Junhwe can barely contribute one mean sentence before the need to mope becomes too overwhelming.
They practice for around three hours, before Bobby tells Hanbin to give them a break, and they’re given fifteen minutes to recuperate. Exhaustion is surprisingly effective at shaking Junhwe out of any bouts of negativity he’s currently in, so he forgets that he’s meant to be embarrassed, guilty, or something towards Jinhwan, and follows him unthinkingly when the latter suggests they get some air together.
Jinhwan leads him into a dark hallway near some empty practice rooms instead.
“Hey, Junhwe, I’m sorry,” Jinhwan says.
Not surprisingly, Junhwe doesn’t feel better. “Alright,” he says apathetically.
Jinhwan moves forward, pressing himself against Junhwe, and stands on his tip-toes to kiss him on the mouth. It shouldn’t, but Junhwe is still ultimately an extremely weak willed teenager, so it does a shamefully good job of lifting his spirits. Jinwan tugs on Junhwe's lower lip with his teeth when he finally moves back, and it’s so unfair, he could end wars with that technique.
“Better?” Jinhwan asks knowingly.
“No,” Junhwe lies. Jinhwan sees right through it and squeezes Junhwe’s hands where they’d gone to wrap around Jinhwan’s waist of their own accord.
“Just, don’t you remember what I said about being careful?” Jinhwan says when they’re slowly making their way back to the practice room, hands brushing against each other with every step. “I was being serious. Even if it isn’t technically anything, it’s not something anyone needs to find out about. It’s unfair to everyone else, they’re all working so hard and even though they don’t act like it, I know they’re even more wired up than they were during Mix and Match. Just try and be a little more attentive for the group? For me?”
It’s nothing Junhwe hasn’t heard before or already knows himself, but maybe because it’s a pretty shitty day to start with, this time it manages to get under his skin a little bit. He sucks it down though, and complies. “Yeah, sorry. I just slipped up.”
It’s a feeble answer to his own ears, but it pacifies Jinhwan somewhat, and the rest of the day goes by normally. There’s still something at the back of his mind though, a niggling weight he can’t get rid off or identify. But he figures he’d rather be fighting silent battles with himself than with Jinhwan.
Junhwe should have seen this coming, especially since he’s noticed Yunhyeong acting strange the entire week. Okay, he didn’t notice, but Jinhwan had told him ”Hey, do you notice Yunhyeong acting strange?” when they were making out in the bathroom while everyone else was asleep (Junhwe isn’t proud. He really isn’t), and since then he’d kept an eye out. It wasn’t anything obvious, except Junhwe catches Yunhyeong staring at him conflictingly a few times too many, and whenever they’re alone together it almost seems like he’s nervous. As far as Junhwe can tell, Yunhyeong is still acting normally towards everyone else, except for possibly Jinhwan.
In retrospect, yeah he definitely should have seen this coming.
Donghyuk and Chanwoo are in their rooms, Bobby, Hanbin and Jinhwan were out being repulsive or something -- Junhwe doesn’t really care -- when Yunhyeong sits next to him on the couch. Junhwe doesn’t look up from his iPad, murmuring a “Hey Hyung” while scrolling through the screen. Inwardly, he sort of hopes Yunhyeong hasn’t decided to finally tell Junhwe his problem, because he’s really not well equipped to deal with that sort of thing. Then again, Yunhyeong knows him well enough to know it’s easier to bypass Junhwe altogether and go straight for literally anyone else in regards to those types of topics.
“So…” Yunhyeong coughs, and Junhwe tenses. Was this another hidden camera? He puts his iPad down and sits up to reach for Yunhyeong’s shirt. He tugs at it and feels around for a microphone.
Yunhyeong pushes him back down, batting his hands away. “No, it’s not a hidden camera!” he assures. He coughs again and Junhwe narrows his eyes. “I promise. I just, well…”
Junhwe sits up straight, back against the armrest, arms folded against his chest. “What? What is it.”
“So last week during practice, I uh…”
“You…”
“I just needed some time alone to think, and so I wandered off for a walk...” Yunhyeong looks like someone was stabbing the words out of him. Junhwe is getting worried. It sounds like this could be potentially emotional.
“Hey uh, look maybe you should wait until one of the Hyungs come--”
“I saw you kissing Jinhwan Hyung!”
Junhwe almost falls off his seat. He quickly looks around to make sure they were still alone in the living room, and for extra measure calls out “Donghyuk! Chanwoo!”. He’s holding Yunhyeong tightly by the wrist when the two eventually shuffle out of their rooms.
“What? What happened?” Donghyuk asks, annoyed.
Confident that neither of them had heard anything, he dismisses them with “Nothing. Go away,” before pulling Yunhyeong off the couch and into his room. He slams the door shut, and knocks his head against it.
“Junhwe it really isn’t that big of a deal,” Yunhyeong says, patting his shoulder. “It’s just that well, I’m pretty confident it isn’t common knowledge. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay?”
Junhwe turns so that his back is pressed against the door. Even though technically he’s the one who’d dragged Yunhyeong in here against his own will, it feels like he’s been cornered. He convinces himself the situation was salvageable. After all, Yunhyeong had only seen them kissing right? Kissing is nothing. He’s pretty sure if Jinhwan allowed it, Bobby and Hanbin would be showering him with platonic kisses any chance they got. He wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t doing it privately anyway -- Junhwe ends the train of thought there, since that way lies too many sullen musings to sift through. He has more pressing issues at hand. All he has to do is play it off like nothing. A feat which would have probably been easier had he not panicked earlier, but whatever, this is hardly the most difficult task Junhwe’s faced in his life.
“Why wouldn’t everything be okay?” he asks. That was definitely not the easy dismissal he had planned in his head.
Yunhyeong takes a seat on the swivel chair, stomach against the backrest, and rests his chin on his arms. “I don’t know, it’s just a complicated situation to be in. Especially since I’m presuming I’m correct in saying you haven’t told anyone?” Junhwe doesn’t reply, Yunhyeong takes it as an affirmative. “A relationship is tough work, especially when you don’t have anyone to lean on.”
Junhwe cringes, it feels like caterpillars are crawling up his skin. Yunhyeong notices and grins, similar to how Jinhwan purposefully says things like ”it was not my lips you kissed, but my soul” when they’re fooling around just to see Junhwe squirm. It’s always the nicest people who are the most evil.
“You have your Jinhwan face on,” Yunhyeong sings, kicking his legs.
“What? No I don’t.”
“So you acknowledge that you do, in fact, have a Jinhwan face?”
This definitely isn’t going the way Junhwe hoped it would. He tries to steer the conversation back to the right direction. “We’re not in a relationship,” he says bluntly. It takes a few seconds to realise he’s being completely honest which, heh, isn’t that convenient.
It looks like Yunhyeong actually deflates. “Why not?” he says.
Junhwe stalls before saying: “Dating ban”. Even the words taste bitter and artificial on his tongue. He doesn’t add in Jinhwan’s worries about them betraying their bandmates trust, losing their faith, and disappointing them, because honestly?
“I don’t know,” Junhwe sighs, flopping down onto the bed and feeling his muscles sink into the mattress. He closes his eyes. He’s tired, exhausted. Didn’t even realise how taxed he was until now.
Yunhyeong scoots closer to him, stopping when the chair hits the edge of the bed. “This is exactly why I was worried,” he says. Junhwe takes note of how decidedly not betrayed and disappointed he sounds. “Come on, tell me everything.”
Junhwe doesn’t tell him everything. Doesn’t even tell him half of it. But he tells him more than he means to, and definitely a lot more than Jinhwan would want him to. He can acknowledge now that he royally screwed over any chance of denial when he almost ripped Yunhyeong’s arm off, but he still feels kind of guilty, like he’d broken a promise to Jinhwan. Even if the guilt is muted by the sheer amount of everything he didn’t know he was feeling until now.
Honestly, Junhwe doesn’t even think Jinhwan buys the dating ban excuse as much as he thinks he does -- otherwise he wouldn’t have started the vague ‘nothing’ they were currently doing. However, Jinhwan is pretty convinced that if any of the other members found out they’d kick them both out of the band, and that’s what Junhwe can’t understand. He doesn’t underestimate the fact not all of them will be as easily accepting of it as Yunhyeong, but ultimately he can’t really see it being a big deal. Heck, if it was left up to Junhwe he’d have just told all of them on the first day and then tell them to get the fuck over it. Ironically, when Jinhwan first told him “no” he had been heartbroken -- Junhwe didn’t think he was even capable of so much wallowing -- but he’s beginning to wonder if he’d prefer a straight up rebuff, over this wishy washy not-relationship they were currently in.
“Have you told Jinhwan this?” Yunhyeong asks. He’d listened to Junhwe patiently, not interrupting once even when it was obvious he really wanted to.
“No,” Junhwe says, pushing the pillow into his face. “And before you ask, I don’t plan to.”
Yunhyeong looks like he’s about to provide insight that Junhwe doesn’t want to hear, so he cuts him off. “And no matter what you say, I won’t change my mind.”
Junhwe can hear the front door opening, Bobby and Hanbin’s voices announcing their return like they’d just come back from conquering some foreign land instead of just literally down the street to eat convenience store ramen. Yunhyeong sighs and lifts himself off the chair before patting Junhwe on the back.
“If you need to talk, I’m here.”
Junhwe hums before abruptly lifting his head off the bed and waving Yunhyeong back with a flourish of his arm. “Wait! This should be obvious, but don’t tell Jinhwan Hyung.”
Yunhyeong nods, “Yeah, of course.”
“Tell Jinhwan Hyung what?” The voice is playful and easy, but it’s like ice shoots up Junhwe’s spine and he does a silent prayer when he slowly turns his head towards the door.
Bobby stands at the doorway, leaning against it casually and quirking an eyebrow at Yunhyeong and Junhwe. Probably expecting them to say they spilt chocolate on Jinhwan’s pyjamas or something. Under his left arm is Jinhwan, whose eyes switch between focusing on Junhwe lying on the bed, and Yunhyeong frozen in front of him, and Junhwe braces himself. When the penny finally drops Jinhwan widens his eyes at Yunhyeong and Junhwe can see the blood drain from his face.
Junhwe is fucked.
Junhwe, all things considered, is actually doing pretty okay. He has -- what Donghyuk calls a character flaw but Junhwe recognises as a survival mechanism -- a tendency to internalise his feelings. So nobody ever knows what's going on in Junhwe's head at any particular moment, which is a damn shame because no one else can appreciate how well Junhwe is holding himself up. Donghyuk griped at him when Junhwe cut in front of him in the line at the Café they were currently at, when he really should have been holding Junhwe in esteem for managing to compartmentalise his feelings so well. Because even though no one knows, it's been about a week and a half since Jinhwan had turned Junhwe away and crushed him and wounded his feelings and ripped his heart right out of his chest and--
He's fine, really. At the very least, he doesn't blame Jinhwan for not liking him back. Even though his flight or fight instincts blair everytime Jinhwan comes in close vicinity of him, he hasn’t ignored him since the first day. Jinhwan initially looked surprised when Junhwe had ran ahead of the group to stroll next to him on their way to the YG building, but his expression of alarm had quickly morphed into one of quiet relief and he'd begun chatting about their new routine while Junhwe nodded along, nails digging into his palm. Jinhwan had even given Junhwe a gift card as some kind of peace offering, which Junhwe then used on the terrible coffee he was currently drinking. Junhwe purses his mouth and swirls the drink around in his cup -- it was way too sweet. Why did Junhwe order this? It's fucking terrible.
"Is that Hazelnut?" Jinhwan asks, plopping himself down on the seat next to Junhwe. He inhales, closing his eyes and sighing. "It is. My favourite. Can I have some?"
Junhwe looks down at his cup, disgusted at himself first and foremost, and the coffee a close second. He slides the cup towards Jinhwan. "Have all of it. Not a fan of the taste."
Jinhwan flashes Junhwe a bemused look, but accepts the coffee without question. He takes a sip and makes a pleased sound. Junhwe looks away, picking up a packet of sugar from the table and ripping it to shreds.
“She left her number,” Jinhwan says.
“What?” Junhwe spares a glance at the cardboard coffee cup in Jinhwan’s hand, and he sees the messy numbers scrawled near the bottom. He looks over at the girl at the counter, who was currently serving Bobby and trying her best to look patient -- Junhwe knows that feeling all too well. She’s pretty too, probably Junhwe’s type if he had one.
“We have a dating ban,” Jinhwan reminds him. More sternly than necessary. Junhwe knows they have a dating ban. He’s been nothing but obedient when it comes to following company orders. Even when they decided to put him through two survival shows, add in three new trainees, and make Junhwe jump through hoops to score a place in a group he felt like he was already a part of.
“I know that,” Junhwe says, sounding as annoyed as he feels. Jinhwan probably picks up on the shift of mood, because his next words are designed to be placating.
“I know you do. It’s just that she’s really pretty, and it’s easy to do things spur of the moment.” Jinhwan takes a long sip from his coffee.
It’s only once they’re all outside, walking back towards the YG building, that it clicks in Junhwe’s head, and he grabs Jinhwan by his jacket to make him slow down while the rest stride ahead.
“That was different,” Junhwe blurts out. Jinhwan is confused.
“Huh?”
“When I told you last week…” Junhwe has trouble getting the words out, it’s like someone filled his mouth with chalk. Realisation seems to have also dawned on Jinhwan, who now looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Junhwe should really do both of them a favour and stop talking. “That was. It was different,” he finishes lamely.
He’s hopeful that Jinhwan too will just drop it. Of course, Junhwe hoping very rarely turns out well.
“How was it different?” Jinhwan demands. He’s incredibly good at masking how he’s feeling, and his stance is relaxed and easy, which means he’s prepared to patiently engage in this conversation no matter how long it takes. It also means there’s no way Junhwe can rely on Jinwhan’s mercy and awkward himself out of it like he usually does.
“Well for one, you aren’t some random barista I’ve never talked to before.”
“And if I was?”
“If you were… I would give you a really good tip?” Jinhwan is beginning to look annoyed, so Junhwe amends and says: “Do you mean would I still…”
“Yes Junhwe, that’s what I mean.”
“Then no, I guess. Since I wouldn’t really know you. Unless, is this an alternate universe? Would I still be a trainee? Are any of us still trainees? I’d probably be in school. Would you even be in Seoul in that case? Why would you move all the way to Seoul just to be a barista when your mum owns a Café--”
Jinhwan sighs loudly, cutting Junhwe off for the good of humanity. “Forget it,” he says.
“These are legitimate questions! You can’t--”
Junhwe’s been dreaming about kissing Jinhwan for years. In real life it’s both a lot better and a lot worse. A lot better because Jinhwan as a real, tangible being, is always better than dream Jinhwan. Junhwe can actually hold him in his arms, has to bend Jinhwan’s neck backwards to deepen the kiss, can bury his head in Jinhwan’s shoulder when it becomes overwhelming. A lot worse because he doesn’t get to do any of those things because Jinhwan pulls away so fast, that if he were anyone else, Junhwe wouldn’t even have registered it happening.
Jinhwan looks towards where the other five members were still walking ahead of them obliviously, and relaxes somehwat. Junhwe’s head is still reeling which is why he doesn’t notice how high strung Jinhwan was until then, and also why he doesn’t have an opportunity to say anything before Jinhwan is off running to where Hanbin was at the front of the group.
Bobby, the loveable beefcake, had bought the harried excuse Yunhyeong had provided of Junhwe accidentally peeing on Jinhwan’s bed. Junhwe would have strangled Yunhyeong on the spot if he couldn’t feel Jinhwan’s eyes burn into the back of his head like laserbeams.
Despite Junhwe’s greatest -- possibly melodramatic -- fear being that Jinhwan would never talk to him again, he finds that the real issue is the fact Jinhwan keeps trying to talk to him, but Junhwe doesn’t want to put himself through that pain. Jinhwan’s attempt to corner Junhwe are commendable, but all Junhwe has to do is make sure he always has a member near him. Jinhwan is then left to silently stew, looking at Junhwe like he really had, not only peed on his bed, but also his dog and entire family.
For the record, he had tried to talk to Jinhwan, but the first thing out of Jinhwan’s mouth was ”Listen, if you have a problem can you please talk to me first instead of acting like a kid and--”. Which was more than enough information to go off for Junhwe to know he never wanted to have that conversation, and he had called out “Donghyuk!” before Jinhwan could really get into his tirade. Since then he’s been going around clinging to all of the members like he was playing a game of musical chairs. Donghyuk thinks this is Junhwe finally making an attempt to become more social, so really, everyone wins.
Junhwe however, had failed to consider one fine detail. That detail being, Jinhwan was a 22 year old adult who’d been in and out of relationships before, while Junhwe was a dumb 19 year old who dropped out of high school and whose first real relationship was with aforementioned experienced 22 year adult. Jinhwan knew the game, Junhwe didn’t stand a chance.
Four days go past without Jinhwan trying to accost him whenever he left the bathroom, and Junhwe is afraid to say he’s let his guard down. So he doesn’t realise the terrible mistake he’s made when he leaves practice to take a bathroom break alone, until he comes back and almost runs into Jinhwan as soon as he’s through the door. Before he can react, Jinhwan runs behind him and locks the door, smirking triumphantly.
Hypothetically, Junhwe could probably take on Jinhwan. He has over ten centimetres on him, a lot more body mass. Fighting his way out of the situation wasn’t implausible. Then he remembers that he isn’t in a playground argument, and if he’s going down, he should go down with his head held high. He is an adult, he can have a civil conversation and come out the other side perfectly fine.
Jinhwan, from the way he’s constantly running his fingers through his hair, evidently isn’t taking the same approach to the situation. Junhwe should probably talk first, so he has the upper hand. He just needs to actually think of something to say. He didn’t exactly come into this with flash cards.
Jinhwan beats him to the punch and bites out: “This is precisely why I said no to you the first time.”
Junhwe doesn’t lose his patience at Jinhwan, ever. He also doesn’t like having his heart played like a yoyo either. “Technically Hyung, you never said yes the second time.”
“Let me finish,” Jinhwan grinds out. Junhwe wants to say something back, but Jinhwan didn’t rapidly become his favourite person without being afforded certain luxuries Junhwe doesn’t give others. “Why would you tell Yunhyeong? Right after I very specifically told you the members didn’t need to know.”
“I didn’t tell Yunhyeong Hyung. He caught us in an… incriminating act… two weeks ago in the hallway. A position, may I add, you initiated.”
Jinhwan still looks frustrated, but his gaze becomes less accusatory, and he lets out a long exhale. He looks smaller than usual. Junhwe isn’t going to lie, the first time he realised he was attracted to Jinhwan was when he came back from a family holiday having undergone his biggest growth spurt yet. He’d crashed into Jinhwan on his first day back to the company, and Jinhwan looked so fucking tiny clinging onto Junhwe’s arms, trying to stop himself from falling to the floor. So Junhwe has a size kink. Go figure.
“Okay, sorry,” Jinhwan’s shoulders slump, and he looks defeated. “It was my fault. Though at least all this unnecessary drama gave me time to reconsider things.”
It’s like someone just dumped a bucket of ice water over Junhwe’s head. “Reconsider what?”
Junhwe knows the look on Jinhwan’s face much too well. It’s guilt.
“The risks…” Jinhwan says slowly. As if somehow Junhwe was meant to go ”ah yes, the risks! Of course!” and understand everything. “At first, I thought the risks were too great, and I was putting way too much on the line to indulge a crush. Then I thought otherwise, that as long as I’m careful and don’t involve too many other people, it would be fine. Then I realised, that maybe I was right the first time?” He looks at Junhwe questioningly, like he was asking him to help solve this unfortunate predicament for him. Fuck that. Junhwe will tell it like it is.
“I don’t have a crush on you,” Junhwe says.
Junhwe’s brain is the worst.
That was definitely the wrong thing to say, because to Jinhwan it was clearly the right thing to say. “I never said you did. You’re still young though, and you’re under an immense amount of pressure. Your emotions end up getting warped--”
“Where is this coming from? I don’t understand. You’re making some really grand assumptions about my feelings for someone who doesn’t know them.”
“I’m not making any assumptions about your feelings,” Jinhwan retorts, “I was just giving you something to think about. I was mostly talking about mine.”
That hurts. More than Junhwe cares to admit or show. He could deal and understand Jinhwan’s hesitance in actually having a relationship because he prioritised the group over Junhwe. He could even take Jinhwan trivialising his feelings into some flimsy teenage crush if it helped him rationalise things for his own peace of mind. Needless to say, he could tolerate a whole fucking lot from Jinhwan, because most of the time it came from a good place. Jinhwan has so much responsibility on his shoulders, he never wants to let anyone down, so there’s bound to be cracks in his foundation.
This though. Ouch.
“Okay so the problem is you don’t like me, and the pressure messed with your feelings and made you indulge a crush you wouldn’t have even entertained in any other situation. Is that right?”
Jinhwan looks alarmed. Junhwe doesn’t know why, he’s just repeating what he said back to him.
“That’s… you can’t phrase it like that.”
“Why not? I just put it in a nice, succinct sentence. So tell me, is that the problem?” If they weren’t fighting before, and it was just a misunderstanding, then they’re definitely fighting now. Junhwe is standing tall and firm, but inside all he wants is for Jinhwan to take it all back and deny it. However, if life has taught him anything, it’s that he never gets what he wants unless he sweats blood and tears for it.
“It’s not a problem, it’s just something I’ve been--”
“You’re right, it doesn’t sound like a problem at all. Especially when the solution is so simple.” Junhwe pushes past Jinhwan to get to the door. Jinhwan doesn’t stop him when he unlocks it and storms out. He runs into Hanbin on the stairs, and murmurs some excuse about feeling dizzy and needing some rest. Junhwe never misses practice, even when he’s running on two hours of sleep with a flu. Right now though, he doesn’t think his body can do anything except take him as far away from Jinhwan as possible. He must look distressed, because Hanbin pats his cheek and tells him to rest up, and asks if Jinhwan should walk him back to the dorm. That is literally the last thing Junhwe wants, so he shakes his head and bolts before Hanbin can interrogate him further.
Junhwe didn’t cry when Jinhwan rejected him that first time, and he doesn’t cry now. He wishes he could though, just cry all his frustration out so he’s drained and empty and doesn’t have to carry everything inside of him.
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