What a heart...

[kalomari]

You know this is probably not going to surprise any of you at all, those of you who know me, know me as Richard, close friend, brother, some even knew me once as a lover. Some say I'm a good person others don't, and as for me I wouldn't have a clue I think I'm a good person but then there's times when I know I'm not. You know there have been times when I have been crushed to a point of no return with nothing and knowone to lift me up, but what did I do I hid it, why because I have always felt that I need to be strong for everyone else. There was only one time in my life when I cracked and it was at my grandpas Funeral, I was there and I truied to hold it in but I couldn't my cousin Jeremy was strong though he gave me a hug and said it's okay. I couldn't hold it in I just couldn't and I have never been able to find out why either, just on that one day. Well now I just don't know what to do anymore I get up at 7AM and go to work every morning then I don't get home until like 8PM but what for? I want to make movies but I seem to even be failing at that and I know you guys are my friends and are like "yeah lets do this it's great" but them I also know you laugh at me. Maybe not all of you maybe only a few but still some, you laugh because you don't believe I can do it, you laugh because I have failed before. And that's okay I still love you all reguardless but knwo that all it does is hurt me and make me less determined to do it so does it help, no. You all know that I recently had a huge heartache in my life and I know I went on about it a lot and you all got annoyed, and the whole thing messed me up but helped me too. I loved her so very much I put my trust in God and in her I screwed up, I fell to deep into love when we all know it can be our friend or foe. I put all of my focus into her and it changed my life for better and for worse, can a man change only to screw up and have to change all over again, yes and I have. Though that's life I guess and I bet you're asking what was the point odf this and my opening the surprise is I can't change it, I can't make the feelings go away as hard as I try. And to top it off for some reason everyday I feel like blaming the only person that helped me through it all, God and I know I can't because, he saved me from what I was becoming. Not her she did nothing but keep me company YOU HEAR THAT, it was all God because he does love me, and yet somehow despite all the pain, the anger, the hurt I still love you and I don't know why, I don't know why...I fear there is nothing left of this heart, it has melted away so what am I to do, I can only pray that you hear me lord. You have been my first and last resort for the past 2 years almost so please God hear me. Give me the help I need to get through this, I don't want to love her anymore please God, my savior heal my heart, heal it. I share this with all of you, brothers, sisters friends who are my family because I love each and everyone of you. Please Jesus I know I haven't been paying attention to anything, to you but I ask you now for forgiveness of everything to heal me please lord I need it. More now I think then I ever have in my entire life, help me get through this, help me be who I'm destined to be, you are Jesus Christ my Lord, you pick me up when I have fallen, you heal me when I am hurt and you hold me when I am in need. I call to you I am in need now, I don't want to love her anymore please God help me. You set my parth and I will follow, because I am Richard a desiple of you the creator our God.

Love to you all,

Richard