This is the last draw, the final message, the conclusion of her...
You see I faught for you from day one and you didn'even know it, if you read all of that then you know how everything was that was all of my personal journals from before and after I met you. I know meaningless to you now, or are they? You even faught for me Clairissa, we faught for each other together and for it to just end like it did was wrong. I'm not saying it was your fault or my fault and no it's not Gods fault either it was just circumstances I guess. Love is not something I can just make go away, and I'm not saying you did if you read all of those which I hope you did because I would do it for you then you see, you may understand. I don't know what you think but this shit isn't easy for me and you knwo I would never want to hurt you ever and never intentionally have. Pain is a strong feeling and it burns within me everyday, I know you had troubles and problems but let me ask you this who stood next to you thoughout them all? Let me explain something all the mistakes I made to you before and while I was in PA with you I will put them numbered right now.
#1. I backed down afraid of your father from day one, that was no man, but can you blame me after all you made me fear him.
#2. Not telling your father how I felt about you from day one, not standing up to him not for me and my pride, but for you because I loved you.
#3. Not listening to you and giving you space.
#4. Not listening to you and leaving San Diego to go to you, not listening to God listening to my foolish self.
#5. Sometimes honestly loving you to much, smothering you when you wanted some space.
#6. Yes I waited for you for 7 months and any man wouldn't have, but then again a real man would have spoken and reasoned with your father instead of cowaring away for 7 months awaiting an answer.
#7. Sometimes I feel that letting you leave in the first place was a mistake, although it's debatable.
#8. Not being there for you when you needed me the most in PA and durring the 7 months.
#9. All of the fighting we did in PA together a real man would have avoided it all period and told you they love you for whatever decision you make.
#10. Not holding you in my arms as much as I could have, as much as I should have, being afraid to do so thinking it was wrong just because your father said so.
#11. I had you right there, you remember you know what I'm talking about, and i froze I didn't know what to do I didn't even know what to say, I wasn't afraid I just wanted everything between us to be good, and that whole situation was not one I was ready to be in with you, even though I did love you. So it's not that i wasn't agressive enough it's that I loved you so much more than that and I wanted everything to be good.
#12. You're right I did always let you win not because I wanted to and half the time because I didn't think about it, but mostly because of the situation everything in full from day one.
#13. WARNING (This last one is not meant to be mean but just to say so.) Making you my life, my world, putting everything into you with the possibility of loosing everything.
You see those are not even all of them, those are just the major ones that cost me your love. The point is I made mistakes and so did you, we all do and maybe I can't make up for them although you never rally gave me the chance to try. And I'm sorry for the night I was drunk and I'm also sorry for the other night we fought it was childish and pointless. I guess the conclusion is you're right I wasn't man enough for you and I wasn't agressive enough for you and yeah I let you win a lot, but I would like you to look up love in the dictionary and see what it says and know that love is what we had for sure I'ed bet every penny right now on it. Anyways sorry for everything and well I guess you can say this is it right here the turning point, the final chapter just please let me know how you feel after you read evrything, open up to me and don't feel afraid to you can call me again if you would like or message it to me if you don't want to that's fine you can even pretend you never got this and move on but that choice is yours I made my choice by sending it.
Richard
#1. I backed down afraid of your father from day one, that was no man, but can you blame me after all you made me fear him.
#2. Not telling your father how I felt about you from day one, not standing up to him not for me and my pride, but for you because I loved you.
#3. Not listening to you and giving you space.
#4. Not listening to you and leaving San Diego to go to you, not listening to God listening to my foolish self.
#5. Sometimes honestly loving you to much, smothering you when you wanted some space.
#6. Yes I waited for you for 7 months and any man wouldn't have, but then again a real man would have spoken and reasoned with your father instead of cowaring away for 7 months awaiting an answer.
#7. Sometimes I feel that letting you leave in the first place was a mistake, although it's debatable.
#8. Not being there for you when you needed me the most in PA and durring the 7 months.
#9. All of the fighting we did in PA together a real man would have avoided it all period and told you they love you for whatever decision you make.
#10. Not holding you in my arms as much as I could have, as much as I should have, being afraid to do so thinking it was wrong just because your father said so.
#11. I had you right there, you remember you know what I'm talking about, and i froze I didn't know what to do I didn't even know what to say, I wasn't afraid I just wanted everything between us to be good, and that whole situation was not one I was ready to be in with you, even though I did love you. So it's not that i wasn't agressive enough it's that I loved you so much more than that and I wanted everything to be good.
#12. You're right I did always let you win not because I wanted to and half the time because I didn't think about it, but mostly because of the situation everything in full from day one.
#13. WARNING (This last one is not meant to be mean but just to say so.) Making you my life, my world, putting everything into you with the possibility of loosing everything.
You see those are not even all of them, those are just the major ones that cost me your love. The point is I made mistakes and so did you, we all do and maybe I can't make up for them although you never rally gave me the chance to try. And I'm sorry for the night I was drunk and I'm also sorry for the other night we fought it was childish and pointless. I guess the conclusion is you're right I wasn't man enough for you and I wasn't agressive enough for you and yeah I let you win a lot, but I would like you to look up love in the dictionary and see what it says and know that love is what we had for sure I'ed bet every penny right now on it. Anyways sorry for everything and well I guess you can say this is it right here the turning point, the final chapter just please let me know how you feel after you read evrything, open up to me and don't feel afraid to you can call me again if you would like or message it to me if you don't want to that's fine you can even pretend you never got this and move on but that choice is yours I made my choice by sending it.
Richard