Green-eyed post
So guess what?
One of my friends got accepted into one of her grad schools! Oh, and the one that she *really* wants to go to flew her out to visit/interview for the weekend, and *if they accept her* (which is ludicrous to say, because OF COURSE they're going to accept her) , they will be giving her enough money to buy a house while she's there. THAT much money.
I'm really super happy for her, don't get me wrong. And I really WANT to be excited and throw her a party and dance around and be glad, because this is a big thing and I understand how much work and anxiety have gone into it, and she deserves to have cake and be happy and have everyone be happy for her.
But I don't think I can talk to her about grad schools without wanting to punch a baby.
See, I didn't even start thinking about grad school until I got to school last semester, and in the soul-sucking application process, I no longer remember what my reasoning was. Something about wanting to do experiments? Maybe I just want people to call me Dr Starmist?* I don't even know anymore. I vaguely remember convincing myself that it was more than just a random whim, or a desire to be with my Cool Biology Major Friends who were doing it. Anyway, at the time I was convinced that what I was doing was Right For Me.
But it was too late. I didn't understand the process, I didn't know what I wanted in a school, I didn't even know how to judge schools without the handy guidebooks that I bought when looking for an undergraduate school. Deadlines were approaching, I was supposed to take the GREs, whatever those were, and God help me if I couldn't make contact with any professors I wanted to work with.
I panicked and decided on a few schools at what now seems like random to me. In the end I only applied to two. I haven't heard back from UC Davis... you may recall the entry from after my UC Davis application. It was not pretty. The Tufts application was this January, which at least meant I wasn't taking classes, and it was a little more palatable. Of course, three MHC students (myself included) are applying to Tufts... to the same program. TO THE SAME PROFESSOR. One of them is Beth. I'm not sure I can step over Beth just for another 5 years at school.
I don't mean that in a "I don't want to stab my friend in the back" way. I mean Beth has a fuckin' nice application and I sound like a deranged, fungi-obsessed Ms America. My leg does not reach high enough to step over her. (Beth, unlike the other student mentioned here, is among the people who read my LJ, but if I worried about every person who read my panicky, self-doubt laden LJs, I would not have signed up for LJ in the first place). As I re-read my essay for Tufts, I said aloud to myself "It doesn't matter, you're not getting into Tufts, you are submitting this to prove that you can finish what you start."
Anyway, possibly because my application and pleading email made me sound much more malleable than the other, self-assured MHC women who wrote in, or possibly because I sounded so crazy that he wanted to see if I would be fun to poke with a metaphorical stick, the Tufts guy actually asked for a phone interview with me. This was a little over a week ago.
The interview... it went. There were some questions I couldn't answer about my research interests, followed by the disconcerting explanation that "my lab doesn't really deal in what you're interested in. I thought that would be the case, but I wanted to call to make sure." followed by the even more disconcerting suggestion that I think harder about what I want to do and email him again. So right now I'm trying to find a way to make my research interests (which are vague enough that they can do anything they want) fit into his lab.
Various people (OK, really Beth and her roommate, whom I went to for succor after this unnerving conversation) say this sounds promising, like maybe he is desperately trying to think up an excuse to put me in his lab. For a while I was bolstered by this thought.
But nobody from Davis has contacted me AT ALL and I don't feel smart enough to email the Tufts Guy what he wants and meanwhile everyone around me is being invited out to visit their schools left and right and getting accepted already. Also everyone else (and the Bio Dept gossip ring makes that category fairly large) applied to 5 or 6 schools and I, the only one without any research experience or clue, had the hubris to apply to only two exceptionally good schools who are never ever going to offer me enough money to buy a house, or even rent one, and I am anxious.
I was planning on applying to Vermont, which isn't due until March 15th, by which point I'll know one way or the other about the other two, but I can't bring myself to start emailing people there. I feel like if I don't get into one of the two I've already applied to, and maybe even then, I just want to take a year off to work and think about what I did wrong and how I should fix it. Do over. (To my father, who until 6 months ago didn't even know grad school wouldn't cost me anything, I would be a damn fool not to apply to any old program, regardless of quality, because I will never, ever, ever get any job with my measly little bachelor's and committing half a decade of my life to a school I don't want is the only option- yes, this conversation ended with me in frustrated tears from trying to explain why that was a horrible idea. )
So to round this out, I am a jealous, insecure person who has about 100 pages worth of pdfs to read before class tomorrow on top of all her anxieties. FML, as per usual.
*yes, I will be changing my name to Kalliope Starmist upon the successful completion of my PhD to make this happen. Clearly.
**Also Tufts guy is speaking at a nearby school on the 14th. So technically a guy asked me to meet him on Valentines Day. I've heard a lot of jokes about how picking a grad school advisor is like blind dating but with more committment, but I think I've outdone all of them with this. So at least I won at something?
One of my friends got accepted into one of her grad schools! Oh, and the one that she *really* wants to go to flew her out to visit/interview for the weekend, and *if they accept her* (which is ludicrous to say, because OF COURSE they're going to accept her) , they will be giving her enough money to buy a house while she's there. THAT much money.
I'm really super happy for her, don't get me wrong. And I really WANT to be excited and throw her a party and dance around and be glad, because this is a big thing and I understand how much work and anxiety have gone into it, and she deserves to have cake and be happy and have everyone be happy for her.
But I don't think I can talk to her about grad schools without wanting to punch a baby.
See, I didn't even start thinking about grad school until I got to school last semester, and in the soul-sucking application process, I no longer remember what my reasoning was. Something about wanting to do experiments? Maybe I just want people to call me Dr Starmist?* I don't even know anymore. I vaguely remember convincing myself that it was more than just a random whim, or a desire to be with my Cool Biology Major Friends who were doing it. Anyway, at the time I was convinced that what I was doing was Right For Me.
But it was too late. I didn't understand the process, I didn't know what I wanted in a school, I didn't even know how to judge schools without the handy guidebooks that I bought when looking for an undergraduate school. Deadlines were approaching, I was supposed to take the GREs, whatever those were, and God help me if I couldn't make contact with any professors I wanted to work with.
I panicked and decided on a few schools at what now seems like random to me. In the end I only applied to two. I haven't heard back from UC Davis... you may recall the entry from after my UC Davis application. It was not pretty. The Tufts application was this January, which at least meant I wasn't taking classes, and it was a little more palatable. Of course, three MHC students (myself included) are applying to Tufts... to the same program. TO THE SAME PROFESSOR. One of them is Beth. I'm not sure I can step over Beth just for another 5 years at school.
I don't mean that in a "I don't want to stab my friend in the back" way. I mean Beth has a fuckin' nice application and I sound like a deranged, fungi-obsessed Ms America. My leg does not reach high enough to step over her. (Beth, unlike the other student mentioned here, is among the people who read my LJ, but if I worried about every person who read my panicky, self-doubt laden LJs, I would not have signed up for LJ in the first place). As I re-read my essay for Tufts, I said aloud to myself "It doesn't matter, you're not getting into Tufts, you are submitting this to prove that you can finish what you start."
Anyway, possibly because my application and pleading email made me sound much more malleable than the other, self-assured MHC women who wrote in, or possibly because I sounded so crazy that he wanted to see if I would be fun to poke with a metaphorical stick, the Tufts guy actually asked for a phone interview with me. This was a little over a week ago.
The interview... it went. There were some questions I couldn't answer about my research interests, followed by the disconcerting explanation that "my lab doesn't really deal in what you're interested in. I thought that would be the case, but I wanted to call to make sure." followed by the even more disconcerting suggestion that I think harder about what I want to do and email him again. So right now I'm trying to find a way to make my research interests (which are vague enough that they can do anything they want) fit into his lab.
Various people (OK, really Beth and her roommate, whom I went to for succor after this unnerving conversation) say this sounds promising, like maybe he is desperately trying to think up an excuse to put me in his lab. For a while I was bolstered by this thought.
But nobody from Davis has contacted me AT ALL and I don't feel smart enough to email the Tufts Guy what he wants and meanwhile everyone around me is being invited out to visit their schools left and right and getting accepted already. Also everyone else (and the Bio Dept gossip ring makes that category fairly large) applied to 5 or 6 schools and I, the only one without any research experience or clue, had the hubris to apply to only two exceptionally good schools who are never ever going to offer me enough money to buy a house, or even rent one, and I am anxious.
I was planning on applying to Vermont, which isn't due until March 15th, by which point I'll know one way or the other about the other two, but I can't bring myself to start emailing people there. I feel like if I don't get into one of the two I've already applied to, and maybe even then, I just want to take a year off to work and think about what I did wrong and how I should fix it. Do over. (To my father, who until 6 months ago didn't even know grad school wouldn't cost me anything, I would be a damn fool not to apply to any old program, regardless of quality, because I will never, ever, ever get any job with my measly little bachelor's and committing half a decade of my life to a school I don't want is the only option- yes, this conversation ended with me in frustrated tears from trying to explain why that was a horrible idea. )
So to round this out, I am a jealous, insecure person who has about 100 pages worth of pdfs to read before class tomorrow on top of all her anxieties. FML, as per usual.
*yes, I will be changing my name to Kalliope Starmist upon the successful completion of my PhD to make this happen. Clearly.
**Also Tufts guy is speaking at a nearby school on the 14th. So technically a guy asked me to meet him on Valentines Day. I've heard a lot of jokes about how picking a grad school advisor is like blind dating but with more committment, but I think I've outdone all of them with this. So at least I won at something?