(no subject)
As you may or may not have noticed, I have cleansed my journal of everything. This was partly on a whim because I was scanning back and was constantly appalled at how whining and pretentious I was being, but it was also largely due to the new philosophies I am trying to adopt. But, first things first, the events leading up to this descicion need to be recorded.
Anyone reading probably already knows how depressed I am. And you probably all know how prone I am to doing things when driven by emotion. So I shall have to simply state that last Tuesday night (as in the Tuesday before the one this week) I attempted to commit suicide. Anyone who saw me for the rest of that week would have seen the rigid taping binding the dressing over my wrist. At the time I probably tried to make up some lame excuse if questioned on it. On a happier note the cuts have almost completely healed, except for one that was exceptionally deep.
So. Sticking true to my love for the philosophy of Fight Club, I have now brought into play the idea that "You have to lose everything before you are free to do anything." If I hadn't staunched my wrist I probably would have bled to death, albeit slowly, so I can reason I was so close to the loss of everything and that it is now time to turn it all around. I was being kinda art-wanky, but said was talking to Ry the other night and said something I've been mulling over a lot the last few days:
"A ship without an anchor can travel in many directions."
While I've been concentrating recently about how alone I've been and how distressing it feels to have nothing to cling to, I've come to the conclusion it's time to see where I will drift once I let go of the anchor (and maybe start paddling in one direction if I have to).
While I am still hurting, I am trying to move on with my existance and I want this journal to be a documentation of my journey. I was tempted to disallow commenting entirely, but I figure that in every other facet of life people cannot be restricted in what they will say, so it is only fair to allow it here to.
If something is going to happen, it needs to happen now ...
Anyone reading probably already knows how depressed I am. And you probably all know how prone I am to doing things when driven by emotion. So I shall have to simply state that last Tuesday night (as in the Tuesday before the one this week) I attempted to commit suicide. Anyone who saw me for the rest of that week would have seen the rigid taping binding the dressing over my wrist. At the time I probably tried to make up some lame excuse if questioned on it. On a happier note the cuts have almost completely healed, except for one that was exceptionally deep.
So. Sticking true to my love for the philosophy of Fight Club, I have now brought into play the idea that "You have to lose everything before you are free to do anything." If I hadn't staunched my wrist I probably would have bled to death, albeit slowly, so I can reason I was so close to the loss of everything and that it is now time to turn it all around. I was being kinda art-wanky, but said was talking to Ry the other night and said something I've been mulling over a lot the last few days:
"A ship without an anchor can travel in many directions."
While I've been concentrating recently about how alone I've been and how distressing it feels to have nothing to cling to, I've come to the conclusion it's time to see where I will drift once I let go of the anchor (and maybe start paddling in one direction if I have to).
While I am still hurting, I am trying to move on with my existance and I want this journal to be a documentation of my journey. I was tempted to disallow commenting entirely, but I figure that in every other facet of life people cannot be restricted in what they will say, so it is only fair to allow it here to.
If something is going to happen, it needs to happen now ...