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[kalixto99]

So normally I would post this into Parenting 101 or some other community that it applies to, but I think posting it here is better. Mostly because it's more of rant and to be honest, I could just be a really crappy, overly anal step-mom

Comments

[babygoose85]

First of all if his visitation is court ordered she can't do a damn thing about what goes on at your house. If it isn't court ordered it really ought to be, something set in legal document as to how much time he should be spending with his father and his father's family. No I do not think you are overstepping your boundaries if your fiance agrees with you. You're pretty close to a step parent and I don't think the marriage certificate should suddenly make you need to care more all of a sudden, you're doing the right thing by starting now and not waiting until the baby is born. I think maybe you should set the rewards and disciplinary actions smaller to start with. If he lies about (anything) then he say loses a privilege temporarily. If that doesn't work then you move on to actual punishments like having to do something because he failed to tell the truth. Do you think it's possible he does just honestly forgets to do it? If so have you though about putting notes (like on post-its) in the bathroom or other places reminding him what he needs to do? Overly anything is generally a personality issue, whether it's overly sad or overly happy, he's overcompensating for something. I really think you need to sit your fiance down and explain to him your worries (especially about when the baby comes) and let him know that even if it IS his mother's fault, if he is going to be staying at your house for any periods of time then he's still his responsibility. That goes towards trying to help the child as well, love is one thing but kids need discipline and understanding as well and that may just be something he is missing. No I don't think you are going to notice a complete change overnight but I do think if you AND his father work with him then you will see improvement and so will his mother (whether she cares or not isn't your concern though if you feel he is being neglected at home then it should be and that's something that should be addressed by the father as he is the only one with legal rights pertaining to him). You need to tell your fiance that he needs to be an active parent, not a passive one. If his son does something wrong it's just as much his fault as it is the kids at this point. If he doesn't put any real effort into correcting him and helping him behave or have manners then he should be punished just as much as the kid.

[kalixto99]

I have to tell you, that's some very inspiring advice. It definitely makes me feel like I can actually do something about this and not just sit around watching things get worse. I'm going to chat with his dad tonight and set some ground rules. For example, being nice to the pets and no more jumping into the walls. As far as the bathroom issues go, I bet part of it is that he really does forget. If he's using the bathroom 30 times a week at his mom's house and 5 times a day when he visits us, the toilet paper flushing issue is probably going to continue. I think putting a note in there would be good idea. And now that I think about it, I haven't exactly disciplined him for lying. I think revoking a privilege is a good start. Maybe then he'll realize he's lying and how often. Thank you so much for the advice. Do you by any chance know of any parenting books or sites that address a reward or disciplinary system? I was raised that you get two chances to listen and the third time you were in trouble, (grounded, couldn't play outside, or had to do a chore.) and there definitely wasn't a reward system. If we were good, my parent's might bring home ice cream or something but just being polite and good didn't mean we would always get something. I don't know how well that would work for Johnny. Again, thank you so much!

[babygoose85]

I do think you should reward him for being polite, maybe make a big deal out of him saying "thank you" or "please", maybe going a little over the top and tell him how much you appreciate how polite he is being. I'll have to look for some sites for you, but I figure make the punishment fit the crime, don't give him a big punishment for a little crime and the same goes for a little punishment for big crime. Maybe get a marker board (you can get a magnetic one to go on the fridge) and make a list of his responsibilities (making the bed, picking up his room/area) and then have some set rewards like 30 extra minutes of tv. Or that he can pick a treat out while at the store (candy or such), maybe that he gets to pick what dinner is next week if he behaves all weekend. Giving him the ability to make a decision as part of his reward will help make it seem more real and adult to him. Maybe keep a tally of how many times he uses his manners without being asked or reminded and tell him how proud you are. Is he too old for sticker charts for manners? If not make a chart on a piece of paper that says Meal Time, Play time, Outdoor time, etc. and when he's been polite during that time he gets a sticker and when he manages to get a sticker for every section he gets a reward like being able to pick the movie you watch that night. The fact that you are willing to work with him is going to make a difference. He needs boundaries but as a child who is being switched between two homes he also needs special help remembering that when he is at your house he is expected to behave (hopefully some of that will carry on to his mothers house as well). Also, there needs to be more communications between you and his mom or his father and his mom. If he gets in trouble at your house for something specific say he kicks the dog (big crime, big punishment) and you choose to punish him by no tv for a day but it happens right before he leaves for home, unless that punishment carries over you are going to have trouble making the rules stick.

[babygoose85]

Also as far as the toilet paper issue, maybe put a larger open mouth trash can in there so he has a better shot of getting it in the trash. Making him pick up after himself would be a good incentive because that's gross and having to wash your hands a second time every time you go to the bathroom because you have to pick the tp up off the ground will hopefully help him remember to at least put it in the trash instead of on the floor.