Out of my comfort zone
I've been pushing against my boundaries lately. I've been stretching my wings and while it makes me nervous it also makes me happy. I don't think that if I were left to my own devices I wouldn't have been as brave as I have been.
Playing as the top in a public setting is slightly scary for me. It combines multiple elements that really just bug me. I hate not knowing how to do something and I honestly don't know how to use a lot of the basic toys out there. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of looking foolish, I'm really not comfortable being looked at during these kind of situations.
I worried at the beginning about not being able to be "enough", I wasn't comfortable at all. If I could have turned and run out of the dungeon, I probably would have. I didn't, because I needed to see this through, I had to see if this was something that I wanted. Fantasy is all well and good but until it gets done then I'm just living inside my head.
Tying you down to the chair proved slightly difficult and there was a point where I almost wanted to say that I couldn't do it and we just would have to stop. Then I just realized, this was something you needed and it was something that I had to do. I just had to stop thinking and just start doing. I had the tools, if I didn't know exactly how to use them, I had a basic idea. I started looking at you as a tool to help me feel more comfortable. I knew you wanted pain and I was pretty sure I could give you some.
I think my first few attempts weren't as strong as I had hoped and for a moment I had that feeling again, I should just give up because I can't do it. I had covered your eyes so I couldn't look into them and draw strength from you, but I could hear you in the back of my head. I heard you telling me how strong I was, something that I still can't really see, just hearing that made me braver. Knowing that you trusted me enough to put yourself into this position. You were naked, strapped down to a chair, with all of your most tender parts on display, and I had a big bag of toys that could most definitely hurt you. I kept going.
I think my turning point was that first time you cried out. I was running a pinwheel up and down your cock and balls and you were just howling, part of my mind wanted to stop, but that darker side wanted to see how loudly you'd cry out. I went into a place mentally where I enjoyed the sound of your cries. I wanted to make it happen more. I found the things that worked and I just kept playing with them. Somewhere in the middle of this, I started to laugh, I was having FUN and I didn't want to stop. I looked up, giggling, and I realized that I had drawn a few observers. They had been watching for a while and I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous. I felt powerful, I was in control.
At the beginning of this, I was sure it was going to be a one time only thing. I was never going to want to do this again. At the end, I knew this was part of me. I could be this strong because you allowed me to be. I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you exactly what I was feeling. I was fully myself because you were in my life. I could be strong and brave because you loved me. I needed your love to be able to give you the things that you needed. Without that love I couldn't have done the little that I did nor could I imagine doing more than that. There will be a next time. There will be many more scenes like this and ones that are slightly different. I will learn and I will practice on you. I will take pleasure in showing you what I've learned and letting people see what I've become. My actions are another way that I show the world I love you. The world may not fully understand, but you'll know and that's all I need.
Playing as the top in a public setting is slightly scary for me. It combines multiple elements that really just bug me. I hate not knowing how to do something and I honestly don't know how to use a lot of the basic toys out there. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of looking foolish, I'm really not comfortable being looked at during these kind of situations.
I worried at the beginning about not being able to be "enough", I wasn't comfortable at all. If I could have turned and run out of the dungeon, I probably would have. I didn't, because I needed to see this through, I had to see if this was something that I wanted. Fantasy is all well and good but until it gets done then I'm just living inside my head.
Tying you down to the chair proved slightly difficult and there was a point where I almost wanted to say that I couldn't do it and we just would have to stop. Then I just realized, this was something you needed and it was something that I had to do. I just had to stop thinking and just start doing. I had the tools, if I didn't know exactly how to use them, I had a basic idea. I started looking at you as a tool to help me feel more comfortable. I knew you wanted pain and I was pretty sure I could give you some.
I think my first few attempts weren't as strong as I had hoped and for a moment I had that feeling again, I should just give up because I can't do it. I had covered your eyes so I couldn't look into them and draw strength from you, but I could hear you in the back of my head. I heard you telling me how strong I was, something that I still can't really see, just hearing that made me braver. Knowing that you trusted me enough to put yourself into this position. You were naked, strapped down to a chair, with all of your most tender parts on display, and I had a big bag of toys that could most definitely hurt you. I kept going.
I think my turning point was that first time you cried out. I was running a pinwheel up and down your cock and balls and you were just howling, part of my mind wanted to stop, but that darker side wanted to see how loudly you'd cry out. I went into a place mentally where I enjoyed the sound of your cries. I wanted to make it happen more. I found the things that worked and I just kept playing with them. Somewhere in the middle of this, I started to laugh, I was having FUN and I didn't want to stop. I looked up, giggling, and I realized that I had drawn a few observers. They had been watching for a while and I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous. I felt powerful, I was in control.
At the beginning of this, I was sure it was going to be a one time only thing. I was never going to want to do this again. At the end, I knew this was part of me. I could be this strong because you allowed me to be. I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you exactly what I was feeling. I was fully myself because you were in my life. I could be strong and brave because you loved me. I needed your love to be able to give you the things that you needed. Without that love I couldn't have done the little that I did nor could I imagine doing more than that. There will be a next time. There will be many more scenes like this and ones that are slightly different. I will learn and I will practice on you. I will take pleasure in showing you what I've learned and letting people see what I've become. My actions are another way that I show the world I love you. The world may not fully understand, but you'll know and that's all I need.