I gave blood, then spilt it
The blood drive people always set up where you can't avoid them. And I can't walk by and not donate because I'm type O minus which I can just hear them needing.
End up being winded for a couple of days, whatever.
So whose blood did I spill? The little cocaine mice, poor things. And what's bugging me a little bit is, well, how its not really bothering me at all.
See, I cried when I did the first one. I almost threw up boy I felt like it.
Because I couldn't kill it right, I mean, it wouldn't hold still. (I don't know why the hell I expected them to). So mainly I just separated some of its vertebrae and then cut off its head while its still alive and concious.
I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I kept saying, but its still alive, its still alive, and started crying. And my PI said- "just cut off its head and put it out of its misery!" And somehow that really helped. So I did. Chunk.
The idea is to pull the tail while holding the head a certain way, and the death is very fast, painless, and not traumatic. If, that is, you can figure out that certain way and do it fast.
Again, the unexperienced hand was cruel. And not just on one mouse today, but on 20 or so. They squirm when you put their head down and try to kill them. Boy you bet...
So I pick it up, try to separate the vertebrae, break SOMEthing, so its feet are going nuts while the top half is paralyzed, oh god. Then cut the head off quick before it really starts squirming.
Throw the body in the bag, try not to notice that you can see the heart still beating in the headless body.
Try not to freak out when the mouth opens and closes a few times... and its just the head. I mean, the head moves for a while after sometimes.
Then to business, getting the brain out. I really did greatly enjoy this, and got good at it really fast. Start at the base, quickly, push up, cut the skull, fingernails to pry it apart...
....and there it is. little veins and everything. Freaking cool. Then take it out, keep it cold, and look in there for what's killing all the junkies.
The first time I killed mice, etc, I couldn't sleep for a week. I had nightmares. I lost my appetite. I cried every night. I seriously considered changing fields.
Today I tortured the mice I killed- I didn't want to. There's just no other way to get good at it, than to just do it. And you fuck up. So today, the mice died really psychologically painful deaths. I mean, I was picking them up and repositioning them so as better to pull on their tail and fuck up their spinal column.
Until they're at least traumatized/sedate/paralyzed enough for me to cut off their heads. A couple of them opened their mouths right as I was about to do it, almost as if to say- "NOOOOOOO!!!"
But you cut that part of you off, until they are not living animals anymore, they are just numbers. And after that, the curiosity in you can come out.
I'll sleep well tonight.
There is blood on my hands today.
Always I will acknowledge this.
The mice deserve our respect.
End up being winded for a couple of days, whatever.
So whose blood did I spill? The little cocaine mice, poor things. And what's bugging me a little bit is, well, how its not really bothering me at all.
See, I cried when I did the first one. I almost threw up boy I felt like it.
Because I couldn't kill it right, I mean, it wouldn't hold still. (I don't know why the hell I expected them to). So mainly I just separated some of its vertebrae and then cut off its head while its still alive and concious.
I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I kept saying, but its still alive, its still alive, and started crying. And my PI said- "just cut off its head and put it out of its misery!" And somehow that really helped. So I did. Chunk.
The idea is to pull the tail while holding the head a certain way, and the death is very fast, painless, and not traumatic. If, that is, you can figure out that certain way and do it fast.
Again, the unexperienced hand was cruel. And not just on one mouse today, but on 20 or so. They squirm when you put their head down and try to kill them. Boy you bet...
So I pick it up, try to separate the vertebrae, break SOMEthing, so its feet are going nuts while the top half is paralyzed, oh god. Then cut the head off quick before it really starts squirming.
Throw the body in the bag, try not to notice that you can see the heart still beating in the headless body.
Try not to freak out when the mouth opens and closes a few times... and its just the head. I mean, the head moves for a while after sometimes.
Then to business, getting the brain out. I really did greatly enjoy this, and got good at it really fast. Start at the base, quickly, push up, cut the skull, fingernails to pry it apart...
....and there it is. little veins and everything. Freaking cool. Then take it out, keep it cold, and look in there for what's killing all the junkies.
The first time I killed mice, etc, I couldn't sleep for a week. I had nightmares. I lost my appetite. I cried every night. I seriously considered changing fields.
Today I tortured the mice I killed- I didn't want to. There's just no other way to get good at it, than to just do it. And you fuck up. So today, the mice died really psychologically painful deaths. I mean, I was picking them up and repositioning them so as better to pull on their tail and fuck up their spinal column.
Until they're at least traumatized/sedate/paralyzed enough for me to cut off their heads. A couple of them opened their mouths right as I was about to do it, almost as if to say- "NOOOOOOO!!!"
But you cut that part of you off, until they are not living animals anymore, they are just numbers. And after that, the curiosity in you can come out.
I'll sleep well tonight.
There is blood on my hands today.
Always I will acknowledge this.
The mice deserve our respect.