And Call Off Christmas!
So, it's been kind of a crap week thus far. Well, actually, it's been kind of a crap month. Now, some of the things going on are my fault, and hey, mea culpa for those bits. But not all of it.
Now, to understand what's been going on, you need to understand a bit of my perspective on life, and you need some background. First off, let's be clear: I am a horrible human being. As a creature of compassion and empathy, I am an utter failure. I'm not saying this in some sort of passive-aggressive woe-is-me stance. I'm saying it because I'm a bloody misanthropic bitch, and I'm okay with that. I'm not nice, no matter that I pretend to be for a large number of the idiots I encounter regularly. Am I a good person? I'd like to think so. But I am by no means nice. And unless I actually know you, I probably don't like you. I know the people reading this know me well enough to have figured this out, but I thought I'd make sure we were all clear on that, so you're not too shocked by what comes after.
Second, I am of the personal belief that Judaism, Catholicism, and any other guilt-based religion actually teaches followers to be incredibly self-centered. What do I mean? Well, if you put a gun to somebody's head and pull the trigger, yeah, you should probably feel guilty about that. But you shouldn't feel guilty about things you have no control over. So, if your friend is having a bad day, and there's nothing you can really do to make it better, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Because feeling guilty implies that you think the world revolves around you to the point that you can (or should be able to) change things that don't in any way concern you.
So, we're clear on all of that. On to the background.
My niece Aurora passed away at the end of January of this year at the age of 12, after having been in the hospital for a month, most of it in a coma due to illness. I recognize this is sad, in a general sort of way, because you don't usually expect people that young to die. However, this actually had no direct emotional impact on me (see the misanthropic bit above). It had an indirect impact, because my sister, her mom, was wrecked. And my mom, her grandma, wasn't much better. But here's my perspective: picture finding out some third cousin twice removed died young. Someone you never saw but once or maybe twice a year (if you were lucky). Because that's exactly what it was from where I stood. See, Aurora lived with her dad, my sister's first husband, who was a class-A asshat. I mean, really. A complete wanker. A tosser. A real jerk; a kneebiter. Comparing him to pond scum insults Eukaryotes everywhere. This guy was probably culpable to some extent in her passing. She had medical issues and needed corrective surgery which he refused to believe she needed, and was using methods like crystal healing to try to fix a congenital problem with her spine. Oh, and when she went into the hospital the first time, he checked her out AMA. So, no love lost.
Not surprisingly, this stellar specimen of humanity made every effort to see to it that Aurora got to spend as little time as possible with my sister, and even less time with anyone else in my family. This was not for lack of trying on my mother's part, he just made excuse after excuse about why my mother couldn't take her out for the day or whatever.
So, now you've got a pretty clear picture of the past. Moving on to the recent stuff.
See, Aurora's birthday would have been the 18th of this month. And by this time last year, she was already starting to get sick. So she's been on my sister's mind; no surprise there. She's been on my mother's mind; again, no surprise. But my mother has been going on about how she feels so guilty about how she didn't spend enough time with Aurora. On and on and on. Remember when I said that this sort of guilt is, to me, really self-centered? Because that's what's going on here. My mother didn't see Aurora because Aurora's father made it impossible for my mother. Not because my mother didn't put forth effort. So I'm already a bit inclined to find this attitude annoying as fuck. Don't get me wrong: my mother has the right to mourn as long as she wants to. So does my sister. Nobody gets to dictate how long you feel unhappy because you miss someone. You're unhappy for as long as you're unhappy, that's all there is to it. But the guilt thing? Yeah, not really justified, IMO.
Well, justified or not, mom's been upset. The fact that she loathes her job and that her boss is a real jerkface doesn't help. So she's not been in that much of the holiday mood. But, nonetheless, she put up the tree, and asked me to put on the lights and garland (this was the weekend of the 3rd).
I have been stupidly busy at work, and when I haven't been at work, I've been ridiculously busy with school and finals. So I didn't get to it that weekend, nor did I get to it the following week. Now, Mom was out of town for part of last week into this week (off visiting relatives). And when she left, she took my apartment keys with her, rather than take the effort to pull her own apartment keys off her keyring. So, in order to be able to get into the apartment, I was taking both her keys and my keys with me to work every day. Also, I had been completely swamped with my final project for my Computer Forensics class. So the apartment got to be a complete mess, and I'm not going to say it was anyone's fault but mine. Plus half of the tree lights didn't work, so I needed to buy more lights before I decorated the tree.
Now, as of Monday night, I had finished all but one part of my Computer Forensics assignments, and that part was due Wednesday. So, my plan was to stop at the store Tuesday night, get some lights, decorate the tree, clean the apartment, and have it all looking nice for Mom's arrival on Wednesday afternoon. And that day I was just going to leave her keys there, and I'd set the door to lock when I left (since she'd be there when I got home Wednesday night). One little problem with this plan. She came home Tuesday. That's right, I totally screwed up and didn't double-check the calendar, so she came home to a horrid mess of an apartment and no car keys. And that part? Yeah, that's entirely my fault. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
So, she gets home, and she calls me. For whatever reason, she calls my office number, rather than the cell phone I have been really good about remembering to charge and keep with me everywhere. And she called while I was in a meeting, so she had to leave a message. I get back to my desk to a really irate voicemail wanting to know where her car keys are. I explained that I totally screwed up, misremembered the date she was coming home, so I have her keys. But I can leave work and bring them to her. It's fine, I'll just work extra Wednesday and Thursday. No, she says, don't bother, it will take you too long to get home. I'm just going to take the tree down. (so now you start see where the calling off Christmas comes in). Oh, and I forgot to mention - when I mentioned to her that I had picked up her Christmas present (one that she actually asked for I might add), she tells me, "I told you I don't want anything! Fine, I know you don't listen to me." Fuuuuuck. Yeah, she did tell me that. After she told me what she wanted and I bleeding well ordered it and paid for it. At this point, I'm seriously debating whether I should just take her gift back. Not as a gesture of aggression, but because I frankly don't want her getting all aggro about the whole thing.
So, yeah, she's been home the last two days, and I've been spending as much time as I can reasonably get away with out of the apartment. Because it's either that or stay here and have her get all upset and annoyed with me (oh, yeah, that's another thing. She's been so oversensitive that if I don't deliberately make nice and be extra polite in my tone, she'll lay into me about my attitude). So, yeah, don't really want to be home with that shite going on. I am not that kind of a masochist.
So, I suppose that, given everything, I can't wait for the next 6 weeks or so to be gone. So if I seem grouchy, now you know why. Hope the rest of you are having a more restful holiday season.
Now, to understand what's been going on, you need to understand a bit of my perspective on life, and you need some background. First off, let's be clear: I am a horrible human being. As a creature of compassion and empathy, I am an utter failure. I'm not saying this in some sort of passive-aggressive woe-is-me stance. I'm saying it because I'm a bloody misanthropic bitch, and I'm okay with that. I'm not nice, no matter that I pretend to be for a large number of the idiots I encounter regularly. Am I a good person? I'd like to think so. But I am by no means nice. And unless I actually know you, I probably don't like you. I know the people reading this know me well enough to have figured this out, but I thought I'd make sure we were all clear on that, so you're not too shocked by what comes after.
Second, I am of the personal belief that Judaism, Catholicism, and any other guilt-based religion actually teaches followers to be incredibly self-centered. What do I mean? Well, if you put a gun to somebody's head and pull the trigger, yeah, you should probably feel guilty about that. But you shouldn't feel guilty about things you have no control over. So, if your friend is having a bad day, and there's nothing you can really do to make it better, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Because feeling guilty implies that you think the world revolves around you to the point that you can (or should be able to) change things that don't in any way concern you.
So, we're clear on all of that. On to the background.
My niece Aurora passed away at the end of January of this year at the age of 12, after having been in the hospital for a month, most of it in a coma due to illness. I recognize this is sad, in a general sort of way, because you don't usually expect people that young to die. However, this actually had no direct emotional impact on me (see the misanthropic bit above). It had an indirect impact, because my sister, her mom, was wrecked. And my mom, her grandma, wasn't much better. But here's my perspective: picture finding out some third cousin twice removed died young. Someone you never saw but once or maybe twice a year (if you were lucky). Because that's exactly what it was from where I stood. See, Aurora lived with her dad, my sister's first husband, who was a class-A asshat. I mean, really. A complete wanker. A tosser. A real jerk; a kneebiter. Comparing him to pond scum insults Eukaryotes everywhere. This guy was probably culpable to some extent in her passing. She had medical issues and needed corrective surgery which he refused to believe she needed, and was using methods like crystal healing to try to fix a congenital problem with her spine. Oh, and when she went into the hospital the first time, he checked her out AMA. So, no love lost.
Not surprisingly, this stellar specimen of humanity made every effort to see to it that Aurora got to spend as little time as possible with my sister, and even less time with anyone else in my family. This was not for lack of trying on my mother's part, he just made excuse after excuse about why my mother couldn't take her out for the day or whatever.
So, now you've got a pretty clear picture of the past. Moving on to the recent stuff.
See, Aurora's birthday would have been the 18th of this month. And by this time last year, she was already starting to get sick. So she's been on my sister's mind; no surprise there. She's been on my mother's mind; again, no surprise. But my mother has been going on about how she feels so guilty about how she didn't spend enough time with Aurora. On and on and on. Remember when I said that this sort of guilt is, to me, really self-centered? Because that's what's going on here. My mother didn't see Aurora because Aurora's father made it impossible for my mother. Not because my mother didn't put forth effort. So I'm already a bit inclined to find this attitude annoying as fuck. Don't get me wrong: my mother has the right to mourn as long as she wants to. So does my sister. Nobody gets to dictate how long you feel unhappy because you miss someone. You're unhappy for as long as you're unhappy, that's all there is to it. But the guilt thing? Yeah, not really justified, IMO.
Well, justified or not, mom's been upset. The fact that she loathes her job and that her boss is a real jerkface doesn't help. So she's not been in that much of the holiday mood. But, nonetheless, she put up the tree, and asked me to put on the lights and garland (this was the weekend of the 3rd).
I have been stupidly busy at work, and when I haven't been at work, I've been ridiculously busy with school and finals. So I didn't get to it that weekend, nor did I get to it the following week. Now, Mom was out of town for part of last week into this week (off visiting relatives). And when she left, she took my apartment keys with her, rather than take the effort to pull her own apartment keys off her keyring. So, in order to be able to get into the apartment, I was taking both her keys and my keys with me to work every day. Also, I had been completely swamped with my final project for my Computer Forensics class. So the apartment got to be a complete mess, and I'm not going to say it was anyone's fault but mine. Plus half of the tree lights didn't work, so I needed to buy more lights before I decorated the tree.
Now, as of Monday night, I had finished all but one part of my Computer Forensics assignments, and that part was due Wednesday. So, my plan was to stop at the store Tuesday night, get some lights, decorate the tree, clean the apartment, and have it all looking nice for Mom's arrival on Wednesday afternoon. And that day I was just going to leave her keys there, and I'd set the door to lock when I left (since she'd be there when I got home Wednesday night). One little problem with this plan. She came home Tuesday. That's right, I totally screwed up and didn't double-check the calendar, so she came home to a horrid mess of an apartment and no car keys. And that part? Yeah, that's entirely my fault. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
So, she gets home, and she calls me. For whatever reason, she calls my office number, rather than the cell phone I have been really good about remembering to charge and keep with me everywhere. And she called while I was in a meeting, so she had to leave a message. I get back to my desk to a really irate voicemail wanting to know where her car keys are. I explained that I totally screwed up, misremembered the date she was coming home, so I have her keys. But I can leave work and bring them to her. It's fine, I'll just work extra Wednesday and Thursday. No, she says, don't bother, it will take you too long to get home. I'm just going to take the tree down. (so now you start see where the calling off Christmas comes in). Oh, and I forgot to mention - when I mentioned to her that I had picked up her Christmas present (one that she actually asked for I might add), she tells me, "I told you I don't want anything! Fine, I know you don't listen to me." Fuuuuuck. Yeah, she did tell me that. After she told me what she wanted and I bleeding well ordered it and paid for it. At this point, I'm seriously debating whether I should just take her gift back. Not as a gesture of aggression, but because I frankly don't want her getting all aggro about the whole thing.
So, yeah, she's been home the last two days, and I've been spending as much time as I can reasonably get away with out of the apartment. Because it's either that or stay here and have her get all upset and annoyed with me (oh, yeah, that's another thing. She's been so oversensitive that if I don't deliberately make nice and be extra polite in my tone, she'll lay into me about my attitude). So, yeah, don't really want to be home with that shite going on. I am not that kind of a masochist.
So, I suppose that, given everything, I can't wait for the next 6 weeks or so to be gone. So if I seem grouchy, now you know why. Hope the rest of you are having a more restful holiday season.