(no subject)
i like school until i remember that i still have to write papers and do homework and stuff. but painting is still fun. yah. i dont know. its still better than high school i guess.
either way. im stuck here. not in the way that i have to go here. but im literally stuck here. i have no phone. and no ride for another half an hour.
so. what else is on my mind. not much to speak the truth. i miss people. a lot.i just miss hanging out with people.not doing anything in particular. im slowely making friends here. i guess. im not really putting in any effort. i dont really care. but it couldnt hurt i suppose.
i lost my phone. its slowely eating away at me. its a rediculous thing but i honestly dont feel right without it. it sickens me that i depend on it at all. but i do. id like to think that i could completely cut off all contact with everyone and id be fine, but i dont think thats true. im not as much of a loner as i wish i was. thats an oddly depressing thought for me. i think im one of the few who is so consoled by the thought that i dont need friends, and acctually prefer to go without human contact. but its not true. and i think thats not a healthy way to live anyway.
anyway. ive been thinking lately of where i should go after this. what will acctually make me happy. and im coming to the conclusion that just painting will make me happy. but god knows i cant pull that off. i dont have the drive and responsibility to do something with so little direction. i can hardly do things that are loaded with instructions. so that leaves me wondering what job i could have that is satisfactory enough money-wise but doesnt take up all my time so i can still paint. and thats where im at a standstill. i could work in a gallery, or museum, or go into restoring art, i guess. or i could own something of my own which i would really enjoy, but im absolutely terrified of the thought of failure that would be completely and totally on my shoulders. thats another thing i need to work on. i need to not be so deathly afraid of failing at anything. some failure im sure is a good thing. but it absolutely kills me to think about.
lifes a silly thing. and im a silly person. with my woes that are all too real to me yet dont acctually matter. things that are completely in my head but seem to affect everything i do. im not even sure i know what im talking about now. well i do. but i think its not coming out quite right on paper. or on computer or whatever.
so this has taken up a good amount of time. thats good. i have to do math tonight. lame.
either way. im stuck here. not in the way that i have to go here. but im literally stuck here. i have no phone. and no ride for another half an hour.
so. what else is on my mind. not much to speak the truth. i miss people. a lot.i just miss hanging out with people.not doing anything in particular. im slowely making friends here. i guess. im not really putting in any effort. i dont really care. but it couldnt hurt i suppose.
i lost my phone. its slowely eating away at me. its a rediculous thing but i honestly dont feel right without it. it sickens me that i depend on it at all. but i do. id like to think that i could completely cut off all contact with everyone and id be fine, but i dont think thats true. im not as much of a loner as i wish i was. thats an oddly depressing thought for me. i think im one of the few who is so consoled by the thought that i dont need friends, and acctually prefer to go without human contact. but its not true. and i think thats not a healthy way to live anyway.
anyway. ive been thinking lately of where i should go after this. what will acctually make me happy. and im coming to the conclusion that just painting will make me happy. but god knows i cant pull that off. i dont have the drive and responsibility to do something with so little direction. i can hardly do things that are loaded with instructions. so that leaves me wondering what job i could have that is satisfactory enough money-wise but doesnt take up all my time so i can still paint. and thats where im at a standstill. i could work in a gallery, or museum, or go into restoring art, i guess. or i could own something of my own which i would really enjoy, but im absolutely terrified of the thought of failure that would be completely and totally on my shoulders. thats another thing i need to work on. i need to not be so deathly afraid of failing at anything. some failure im sure is a good thing. but it absolutely kills me to think about.
lifes a silly thing. and im a silly person. with my woes that are all too real to me yet dont acctually matter. things that are completely in my head but seem to affect everything i do. im not even sure i know what im talking about now. well i do. but i think its not coming out quite right on paper. or on computer or whatever.
so this has taken up a good amount of time. thats good. i have to do math tonight. lame.