(no subject)
Title: A dead mammoth
Fandom: Bandom, Disney
Ships: Mike Carden/Kevin Jonas
Characters: Mike Carden, Kevin Jonas, Zac Efron
Word Count: 1925
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Mike and Kevin haven't gotten too far in the bedroom yet and Mike assumes Kevin is a virgin until Kevin's ex-boyfriend Zac (Efron) shows up and Mike finds out that Kevin is actually somewhat of a sex kitten. for anon_lovefest.
Notes: Title is from a quote by Mike Nichols. This is my first fic, I hope you'll enjoy it.
Beta: fueledbysquee. Thanks again!
Summary: Mike and Kevin haven't gotten too far in the bedroom yet and Mike assumes Kevin is a virgin until Kevin's ex-boyfriend Zac (Efron) shows up and Mike finds out that Kevin is actually somewhat of a sex kitten. Minus the sex kitten part. Sorry!
A dead mammoth
So it's been almost six months since Mike and Kevin officially got together. It would probably have been a year if not for Kevin's obliviousness. Anyways it's been almost six months, and surprisingly Mike has no problem whatsoever with the not-having-sex-till-marriage thing. Not at all. And okay maybe knowing that Kevin is a virgin pushes all of his buttons, but still he is a gentleman and wouldn't force his boyfriend into anything. And if at night he indulges in some quality time with his hand and Kevin on his mind, it's nobody's business but his.
Mike never presses Kevin for details about his previous boyfriend and how far they'd gone. It's obvious that Kevin is a virgin, and he's said that, but Mike's never asked the questions. He's not so much older that he's forgotten what teenagers get up to, but given how oblivious Kevin is now, he figures they couldn't have gone far. Hell, Kevin doesn't seem to understand that when Mike presses Kevin's hand to his crotch that he's asking for a handjob. That's not a cue that he needs some alone time to cool down or take care of business on his own. And then there's the fact that when he thinks of Zac Efron's hands on Kevin, he wants to hurt him. A lot. He once spent hours imagining an awesome plan to track Zac and deliver a beatdown for having stolen Kevin's first kiss. When he tried to recruit Bill and Gabe, they mocked him, for days, but he's not sure whether it was the plan or because the planning had included a simulation involving a Troy Bolton doll.
So yeah. Mike isn't a Zac Efron fan, but it seems that yesterday he agreed to meet Zac. Mike would like to say that Kevin used devious tactics to get him to approve. He's pretty sure he never would have accepted such a ridiculous proposition, but he does clearly remember Kevin talking to him while bending over the table. Of course, it's not like Kevin's in the habit of using his body to get Mike to do things. Still, Mike's got no clear memory of what was being said at that time and so he may or may have not said yes to something. Maybe. It's totally Kevin's fault.
Kevin, of course, doesn't seem to see anything wrong with Mike and Zac hanging out at Mike's place. Kevin's one of those guys that always manages to stay friends with their exes, like it doesn't even occur to him to not be friends with someone. Mike's attempts to stay friends with his exes always end up as the types of stories that Bill loves to tell at parties.
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When Zac arrives, Mike is surprised to discover that he is not actually as orange as he was in High School Musical. Not that Mike ever watched it or anything. He just happened to stumble upon it while channel surfing once, and he didn't even watch all the way to the end. Mike stares a bit at Zac after shaking his hand, because he can feel it deep in his bones: in a few minutes, Zac's going to burst into song. Except he doesn't and the atmosphere turns even more awkward because, well, Mike is staring.
Kevin isn't as oblivious as usual because he ends the awkward moment by starting to ramble about whatever, brings Zac into the living room, and in under ten minutes they're all sitting and catching up. Well Zac and Kevin are catching up. Mike is grunting when addressed. He's kind of busy trying to adapt his plan to a full scale model without Gabe and Bill's help. It's going to be tricky. There are so many variables, especially because he has to try to plan around Kevin. And if this was one of Mike's usual plans to do something that his boyfriend doesn't approve of, he'd just knock him out with awesome sex, except he can't really do that what with Kevin being a virgin. He doesn't really want Kevin to remember his first time as "the day Zac died in the living room as I was sleeping after having the best sex on Earth."
"... gonna be okay?" Kevin is suddenly asking him, and in what is probably now a Pavlovian conditioned response to anything Kevin asks, he says yes. And then Kevin leaves. Kevin up and leaves him alone with Zac Efron. Maybe Kevin isn't so averse to Mike killing Zac. He's just going to call Bill and Gabe, gloat a little about his awesome plan (there might be evil laughter!) and then he'll punch him in the nose and send him crying back to his little Disney buddies. And it's right at that moment that Zac hits him with the bombshell.
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"So Kevin tells me you guys are taking it slow?” Zac says with a chuckle. “Weird, man! I wouldn't have pegged you as a romantic! Not really rock 'n roll, you know?"
Mike groans. It figures that Kevin is the kind of guy who would not only be friends with his ex, but that that ex would become his best friend and confidant, too. Mike never got to be best friends with an ex. It's mostly because his best friend is Bill, and trying to hook up with Bill... he'd rather not even think about it.
And seriously, what the hell, Zac! Who asks their ex's boyfriend about their sex life? Are all those Disney kids completely fucked up? Is that some kind of cosmic retribution? Their burden for representing what every teenager's parents want them to bring back home? That one will be so oblivious that you'll have to make a presentation using flow charts so that he'll understand you've been hitting on him for six and a half months (and it's a good thing Mike got all that practice on debate team, or he might still be single), this one will be completely orange and inappropriate. And then there is Britney. That is proof enough in and of itself.
And Zac prattles on, as if he wasn't aware of the awkwardness of the situation. If he doesn't shut up about how great sex with Kevin was, Mike is really going to kill him and there really won't be a jury who would convict him and... wait a minute!
“You had sex with Kevin?” Mike blurts out. Or he may have shrieked but whatever. Zac is dead meat; he won't be telling anyone about that tiny little detail. Mike may have made his peace about Kevin's first kiss, but if there was any kind of sex, all bets are off.
Zac's eyes get even wider. Mike likes to think that it's the fear, that Zac just realized his mistake and how alone he is with a feral Mike. He refuses to acknowledge how sympathetic Zac seems, how he looks at him as if Mike was a bit slow. “Not full-on sex obviously, what with the ring, and everything. Well mostly , Nick is the reason I never got farther than second base!” And Nick may already be a millionaire but Mike is building him a manor, with his own two hands, starting tomorrow. Because obviously the world isn't aware of Nick's awesomeness! It is definitely manor-worthy.
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Four hours later Zac is still talking in great detail about what used to get Kevin hot back when he was a teen, like he thinks he's being helpful. Mike is still considering killing Zac, but the vast amount of alcohol he started consuming when he realized Zac would never shut up makes it difficult to remember the steps of The Plan. Now he is just sort of listening to Zac and trying not to pay attention. He's still learned a few things:
1)Kevin and Zac spend way too much time on the phone talking about sex. Especially since one is a virgin, and the other is not Mike..
2)Zac has had his fair share of jerking off after a make out session with Kevin. (Mike refuses to sympathize.)
3)Kevin may be oblivious but he'll accede to any proper request. And by proper request he means detailed.
4)Even when it comes to sex Kevin is a geek. He spent days doing research on kissing, and using Zac as a willing guinea pig.
5)Kevin is something of a slutty virgin.
6)Being trapped with an over-sharing Zac is one of the worst thing that has ever happened to him.
Mike is contemplating death by alcohol and it looks real good.
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The next morning, Mike is puking his guts out, but that's better than having crystal-clear memories of everything Zac said. His head feels like three times its size, his hair is hurting, and when he woke up there was something dead in his mouth. He might have swallowed it. Kevin brings him aspirin and a glass of water before going back to the kitchen to get the coffee started.
After showering and brushing his teeth, Mike feels a bit better. He checks his phone and there's a message from Nick telling him that Zac Efron is nothing but a brother-corrupting idiot, that Mike shouldn't mind him and that he'd like the kitchen floor in marble, please. There is one of Bill telling him that he rethought the plan logistics and that he is ready to help him take on Zac. He can hear Gabe laughing his ass off in the background all the while, but Bill has his serious voice on and that kind of makes up for everything.
When he gets to the kitchen, Kevin has set a cup of coffee on the counter for him and he's making bacon and eggs. Mike is going to marry him, and not just for the sex they could be having. While the eggs are cooking, Kevin comes and stands in front of him. “You know if you were that worried about us having sex you should have told me,” Kevin says, and Mike is really afraid of what he doesn't remember from yesterday, because there already seems to be a lot, and it's still early. Mike didn't even wonder why Nick and Bill had called him but now he wishes he knew. Kevin doesn't seem or sound upset, though, so Mike's pretty sure he didn't do or say anything horrible.
“I'm not worried! I just thought, I'd wait for you to be ready.” And God, when did he become such a girl? If anybody asks, he'll blame it on the hangover. Kevin had better take his girl responsibilities back when Mike proposes, and say “yes”.
Kevin smiles at him fondly.“You didn't need to. Just tell me, I'm not really good at taking subtle hints or anything. I'd prefer you telling me things how you feel or want them, ok?” Mike nods and Kevin gets back to cooking them breakfast. And it's possible Zac is sleeping in the guest room, or he could be dead in a ditch, but Mike is happy. He has Kevin, coffee, breakfast is on its way and very soon he'll get to second base with his boyfriend, and after that third and Zac Efron can choke on his firsts. Mike gets to have the prize.
“I bought this huge book on how to perform fellatio. I can't wait to start practicing. It's so interesting!” Kevin beams at him while setting his plate in front of him.
Mike chokes on his coffee.
The end