Reversal of roles -or Hormone Hears a WOOOHOOO
Tonight I went for coffee and a drive into the countryside with a gentleman I'd met online. Had a pleasant chat, and enjoyed the cooler weather on the drive (he has a convertible- it's a Flint Boat/ Lincoln Continental 1970 something) and got a new look at a few things. (Nothing else happened- no worries)
First, there is 18 years difference between he and I, I being the younger, rasher, more impulsive one. (yes, ME) He's looking at retirement, I'm still in school for my career. I want children adopted or otherwise, not so much on his end because of age. I am nowhere near as settled in as this gent...and while I may get there eventually, I hope its not for a looooooooong time.
Because of this, I started getting some odd inkling ( and do tell me if I'm off base) of what a certain young buck may have thought about me, the old and moldy one. First thought is that he's nice as a friend, but no, not that kind of friend. We are too different, too far apart, too little in common. ( The way he looked at me tore me up..2 parts weirded out, 2parts RETURN THAT LOOK (IG) and 2 parts.?????)
Second is that to my shock and amazement, I actually, for the first time EVER, started thinking about the fact that if I do choose this one it WILL be a life commitment. (due to some erm, complicated circumstances.) and I DON'T WANT THAT COMMITMENT. I want to *GASP* go play awhile and sow the wild oats {I should have sown 10 years ago}.. NOW. The bag is full and heavy, and it weighs me down, and I don't want it anymore. I just want to play awhile.....[everything that is contrary to my fundamental beliefs are what I am becoming.](at least for now). He and I are going in two different directions, and it shows. We are still speaking,(as I type this) and certain subjects have come up, but, I am feeling at a loss here as to what to do. The only way to proceed is with the open honest way. I don't want to hurt him... and I don't want to maim myself yet again either.The other trouble is that when I am with others, I know my head has to be on 100% straight.. there cannot be any impulsiveness. Not on the level I fought with tonight. I do not think I can handle this. Not Now. Never mind the whole drug thing... I mean in general. I don't know why or how... but Pandora's box has been opened in a way.. for good or ill. I still can't believe that I'm thinking in terms of the short term for relationships, but I am. In no small part because (nearly every person-no not just male-and with a few exceptions) who all but look at me cross eyed, I have to fight not to make goo-goo " I love you eyes" in return... and actually feel Love for them.. not just Lust... it's screwing with my head(and god help the sap who mentions the word "flogger" or "punishment"- gach.. makes my back all itchy and warm thinking about it). It's worse than going through puberty all over..... although I have no doubt hormones have got to have SOMETHING to do with this. Just no clue what. lol.. If this keeps up I may be tempted to go streaking through Old Town... now there's a hell of an image.....
To the three dear, darling people who are trying to protect me.. I apologize now if I drive y'all up every wall in sight....as I now also see i need protection from myself as well. I will endeavor to keep a lid on it, so to speak, but I do not know that I can promise to. I hope this doesn't last long...
Great mother keep me well ...
I also now realize that it is this and the other things I have been feeling that have caused me to not know how I will feel about alot of things...instead of the old steady predictability, there is ambivalence, and fear. I don't really know. I just hope this is for the better.
Otherwise I have been feeling a bit better... I found enough for 4 half doses of my meds... I have doled them out sparingly and if I am careful will make it to the 31st. ... Work is work... no news here. Connie says "hi". The rest just sets.
should go now and crash out...Valerian root is loverly stuff to induce that state, nightmare free. :)
First, there is 18 years difference between he and I, I being the younger, rasher, more impulsive one. (yes, ME) He's looking at retirement, I'm still in school for my career. I want children adopted or otherwise, not so much on his end because of age. I am nowhere near as settled in as this gent...and while I may get there eventually, I hope its not for a looooooooong time.
Because of this, I started getting some odd inkling ( and do tell me if I'm off base) of what a certain young buck may have thought about me, the old and moldy one. First thought is that he's nice as a friend, but no, not that kind of friend. We are too different, too far apart, too little in common. ( The way he looked at me tore me up..2 parts weirded out, 2parts RETURN THAT LOOK (IG) and 2 parts.?????)
Second is that to my shock and amazement, I actually, for the first time EVER, started thinking about the fact that if I do choose this one it WILL be a life commitment. (due to some erm, complicated circumstances.) and I DON'T WANT THAT COMMITMENT. I want to *GASP* go play awhile and sow the wild oats {I should have sown 10 years ago}.. NOW. The bag is full and heavy, and it weighs me down, and I don't want it anymore. I just want to play awhile.....[everything that is contrary to my fundamental beliefs are what I am becoming.](at least for now). He and I are going in two different directions, and it shows. We are still speaking,(as I type this) and certain subjects have come up, but, I am feeling at a loss here as to what to do. The only way to proceed is with the open honest way. I don't want to hurt him... and I don't want to maim myself yet again either.The other trouble is that when I am with others, I know my head has to be on 100% straight.. there cannot be any impulsiveness. Not on the level I fought with tonight. I do not think I can handle this. Not Now. Never mind the whole drug thing... I mean in general. I don't know why or how... but Pandora's box has been opened in a way.. for good or ill. I still can't believe that I'm thinking in terms of the short term for relationships, but I am. In no small part because (nearly every person-no not just male-and with a few exceptions) who all but look at me cross eyed, I have to fight not to make goo-goo " I love you eyes" in return... and actually feel Love for them.. not just Lust... it's screwing with my head(and god help the sap who mentions the word "flogger" or "punishment"- gach.. makes my back all itchy and warm thinking about it). It's worse than going through puberty all over..... although I have no doubt hormones have got to have SOMETHING to do with this. Just no clue what. lol.. If this keeps up I may be tempted to go streaking through Old Town... now there's a hell of an image.....
To the three dear, darling people who are trying to protect me.. I apologize now if I drive y'all up every wall in sight....as I now also see i need protection from myself as well. I will endeavor to keep a lid on it, so to speak, but I do not know that I can promise to. I hope this doesn't last long...
Great mother keep me well ...
I also now realize that it is this and the other things I have been feeling that have caused me to not know how I will feel about alot of things...instead of the old steady predictability, there is ambivalence, and fear. I don't really know. I just hope this is for the better.
Otherwise I have been feeling a bit better... I found enough for 4 half doses of my meds... I have doled them out sparingly and if I am careful will make it to the 31st. ... Work is work... no news here. Connie says "hi". The rest just sets.
should go now and crash out...Valerian root is loverly stuff to induce that state, nightmare free. :)