I'm back....if only for a moment
Life....what is it? what is it about? what does it mean? where does it lead? is it worth it?
These are the questions that have been swirling in my head for months now. Some might say I'm having a quarter life crisis. I would say they are probably correct.
I'm searching for something, something to make everything come together, where all the puzzle pieces fit. This task would be much easier if I knew in fact, what it was I'm looking for. I haven't the slightest clue. I'm lost. For the first time in my life I have no clue what is going on. I'm drifting. This isn't good for me. I need a goal, something that is attainable. Something to work towards. Drifting...makes me crazy. Crazy makes me want to blow my brains out....but I don't own a gun so I guess I'm safe on that one.
In the past six months, I have let go of the man that was everything to me, yet tore down my entire universe. I still long for him...I still can't let go....and I still want him.
Yes, I know I'm an idiot.
I have also let go of my bestfriend for the past 14 years. Yes, that's right...14 fucking years. Who knew you could even know someone that long aside from your family. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, I can't change people. I can't make them be what I want them to be. I also refuse to let people make me feel bad anymore. So....I had to let go.
Things would be easier if I could blame this crisis of mine on these events. But I think the ball started rolling on this long before....it just picked up some momentum.
I want to leave this town....if for nothing else other than to start over and leave behind all the memories of things that have fallen apart. But, they say you can't run from your problems...they just follow you. I don't know how true this is.
I'm doing everything possible to figure out my life. I'm depressed, I know this. I hardly go out anymore and despite having a online personal that generates many hits everyday....I hardly respond to any of them. Maybe I don't want someone to hold me to this place....I don't know. But I feel alone and confused and lost. I know if I start to cry that I will probably jump off a cliff...so I fight it all back, stuff it down and go on with my day. I know this can't be healthy.
I've started going to the gym again....it's the only release I have these days. I clearly need it because normal I would go to the gym a few days and then slack off....go back....repeat. I've been going almost everyday now, sometimes twice. If this depression is good for anything, perhaps it will cause me to become healthier.
*sigh*
this post is pointless. I just need to type out my feelings. Having no one that understands you.....sucks. Everything sucks right now...and the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that this will pass.
I hope it just hurries the fuck up.
These are the questions that have been swirling in my head for months now. Some might say I'm having a quarter life crisis. I would say they are probably correct.
I'm searching for something, something to make everything come together, where all the puzzle pieces fit. This task would be much easier if I knew in fact, what it was I'm looking for. I haven't the slightest clue. I'm lost. For the first time in my life I have no clue what is going on. I'm drifting. This isn't good for me. I need a goal, something that is attainable. Something to work towards. Drifting...makes me crazy. Crazy makes me want to blow my brains out....but I don't own a gun so I guess I'm safe on that one.
In the past six months, I have let go of the man that was everything to me, yet tore down my entire universe. I still long for him...I still can't let go....and I still want him.
Yes, I know I'm an idiot.
I have also let go of my bestfriend for the past 14 years. Yes, that's right...14 fucking years. Who knew you could even know someone that long aside from your family. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, I can't change people. I can't make them be what I want them to be. I also refuse to let people make me feel bad anymore. So....I had to let go.
Things would be easier if I could blame this crisis of mine on these events. But I think the ball started rolling on this long before....it just picked up some momentum.
I want to leave this town....if for nothing else other than to start over and leave behind all the memories of things that have fallen apart. But, they say you can't run from your problems...they just follow you. I don't know how true this is.
I'm doing everything possible to figure out my life. I'm depressed, I know this. I hardly go out anymore and despite having a online personal that generates many hits everyday....I hardly respond to any of them. Maybe I don't want someone to hold me to this place....I don't know. But I feel alone and confused and lost. I know if I start to cry that I will probably jump off a cliff...so I fight it all back, stuff it down and go on with my day. I know this can't be healthy.
I've started going to the gym again....it's the only release I have these days. I clearly need it because normal I would go to the gym a few days and then slack off....go back....repeat. I've been going almost everyday now, sometimes twice. If this depression is good for anything, perhaps it will cause me to become healthier.
*sigh*
this post is pointless. I just need to type out my feelings. Having no one that understands you.....sucks. Everything sucks right now...and the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that this will pass.
I hope it just hurries the fuck up.