Mmmm, creamy chocolate center...
In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!
What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done
------Linkin Park - What I've Done
That song's been rattling around my head these past few days. Mainly these lines:
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
I struggle with forgiveness, letting go, and moving on. I can forgive someone else before I can forgive myself. Getting kinda tired of that. Getting kinda tired of repeating the same mistakes over, and over too. Rationally, I know that if I keep doing the same things, I'll get the same results. Duh. No brainer, right? So why do I still expect things from people who I KNOW cannot fulfill the expectations? There is a life-lesson in here somewhere, I just wish I knew what it was.
***
I'm feeling fairly nostalgic today, not sure why. Maybe just a general nostalgia for a time in my life when things weren't so complicated, when I wished that I was older or "grown up" so I could do the things that "grown ups" do. Well, having done them for more than half my life now, I have to say - it ain't all that.
***
Writing is coming along well, things in the church have slowed so that I can actually write (or surf the web) and not feel too bad about it. Of course there are things that I could be doing, such as the dreaded filing, or data entry - but blah, nobody gives a big hooha about it but me, so - meh.
I've written about 5 chapters so far, but they were really rough, mainly sketching out what happens in each. Then there was some reorganizing, and rearranging to do, so I really felt the need to stop and go back and really clean up and flesh out what I had so far. That being said, chapter 1 is done. I keep forgetting to add a prologue - at this rate it may be the very last thing I write! LOL
I posted it on my myspace blog, nobody read it (to my knowledge), so I won't bother posting it here. I'd be lying if I said that I'm totally ok with the obscure, non-existent genre that I write in. But, I write what I know, and what I'm interested in. If that means that I'll have to publish it myself, and I only sell 5 copies, so be it. Besides, who knows - maybe after I put this one to rest, I'll come up with a more mainstream idea/plot line. I'd love to have a real publisher, and a more popular career as a writer. But I'm thinking that pigs will be a-flyin if that happens. I'm a weirdo, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
***
I'm not going to be moving anytime soon. There's way too much confusion in my head at the moment, and way, way too much to do involving actually moving - I'm having a hard time getting my shit together. Plus, I really don't want to deal with the uncertainty involving not having a job, or income. I am, however, working on a compromise with work. A rotating schedule that would allow me to go down on a much more frequent and regular basis - because I do need to have naked-time in my life. My ideal is a 6-week on, 2-week off schedule. The pastor, however, would prefer a 5-on, 1-off schedule. We're still negotiating, so who knows how it will shake itself out.
***
I think one of the major reasons I'm not moving right now is a real need to pull my life together. I don't want to start a life somewhere else with the same old patterns, and habits that keep fucking me up. I feel a real need to regularly include, meditation, yoga, exercise, journaling, and healthy eating habits in my life. As well as creating a really comfortable living space. Basically getting my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual values in alignment. Balance. I really need some balance right now.
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!
What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done
------Linkin Park - What I've Done
That song's been rattling around my head these past few days. Mainly these lines:
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
I struggle with forgiveness, letting go, and moving on. I can forgive someone else before I can forgive myself. Getting kinda tired of that. Getting kinda tired of repeating the same mistakes over, and over too. Rationally, I know that if I keep doing the same things, I'll get the same results. Duh. No brainer, right? So why do I still expect things from people who I KNOW cannot fulfill the expectations? There is a life-lesson in here somewhere, I just wish I knew what it was.
***
I'm feeling fairly nostalgic today, not sure why. Maybe just a general nostalgia for a time in my life when things weren't so complicated, when I wished that I was older or "grown up" so I could do the things that "grown ups" do. Well, having done them for more than half my life now, I have to say - it ain't all that.
***
Writing is coming along well, things in the church have slowed so that I can actually write (or surf the web) and not feel too bad about it. Of course there are things that I could be doing, such as the dreaded filing, or data entry - but blah, nobody gives a big hooha about it but me, so - meh.
I've written about 5 chapters so far, but they were really rough, mainly sketching out what happens in each. Then there was some reorganizing, and rearranging to do, so I really felt the need to stop and go back and really clean up and flesh out what I had so far. That being said, chapter 1 is done. I keep forgetting to add a prologue - at this rate it may be the very last thing I write! LOL
I posted it on my myspace blog, nobody read it (to my knowledge), so I won't bother posting it here. I'd be lying if I said that I'm totally ok with the obscure, non-existent genre that I write in. But, I write what I know, and what I'm interested in. If that means that I'll have to publish it myself, and I only sell 5 copies, so be it. Besides, who knows - maybe after I put this one to rest, I'll come up with a more mainstream idea/plot line. I'd love to have a real publisher, and a more popular career as a writer. But I'm thinking that pigs will be a-flyin if that happens. I'm a weirdo, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
***
I'm not going to be moving anytime soon. There's way too much confusion in my head at the moment, and way, way too much to do involving actually moving - I'm having a hard time getting my shit together. Plus, I really don't want to deal with the uncertainty involving not having a job, or income. I am, however, working on a compromise with work. A rotating schedule that would allow me to go down on a much more frequent and regular basis - because I do need to have naked-time in my life. My ideal is a 6-week on, 2-week off schedule. The pastor, however, would prefer a 5-on, 1-off schedule. We're still negotiating, so who knows how it will shake itself out.
***
I think one of the major reasons I'm not moving right now is a real need to pull my life together. I don't want to start a life somewhere else with the same old patterns, and habits that keep fucking me up. I feel a real need to regularly include, meditation, yoga, exercise, journaling, and healthy eating habits in my life. As well as creating a really comfortable living space. Basically getting my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual values in alignment. Balance. I really need some balance right now.