(no subject)
Christmas went better than I had origianlly thought. I felt numb for most of it, and slightly guilty. As if we shouldn't be celebrating without Cat and Eathan. We spent Christmas morning with the Ault family, who are like a 2nd family to us both. It was lovely. They made us breakfast and we all opened presents and stockings together. It was really nice. Then it was off to dad and Lynns' place to pretend we're one big happy family when I really feel more like a marionette doll. Someone works the jaw to plaster a fake smile across my face and has my arms reach out to hug someone. One of those hugs where it's a "I don't mean it, but I'm doing it because I'm expected to" kind of hugs. If I were Pinochio, my nose would wrap itself around the world twice and then some...I hate it and I can't stand the person that my father has become. I can't stand shallow, materialistic people who cut others down. Sure he looks like my father, but that's all that is left of the man that I grew up knowing to be a good-hearted person, who would give the shirt off his back if you asked. I miss that man, and had Kitty not died, I likely wouldn't be talking to my father. I don't like the person that he's become and it hurts. I won't lie. I've explained how I feel and he just tells me that this is who he is, and who he always has been. He cuts down my mother and is just an overall asshole most days. I'm rather relieved in a way, that I'm headed up north. I'm tired from all the fakeness and the out-right lies he feeds me. He's all I have left so it's hard for me to just let go and move on with my life. I feel like an orphan some days, or divorced from my family. I've got my Tica and she keeps me strong, pushing ahead with life.
I saw a few good friends the last few days and it's helped a lot. Just their hugs, has given me a source of strength that I haven't felt since, well, my wedding. My closest friends are scattered across Canada and it's hard to get to see them, and it's hard for them to see me. They are my source of outer strength, and it's been fabulous to be able to lean on them mildly. It's hard to put into words, but those hugs, those coffees', they have helped me to feel more grounded again. I can't explain why. But it's been wonderful. It's as if just seeing them, was a reminder that everything will be ok, eventually.
On top of it all, a close friend of mine is going through a rather difficult time. Her father is extremely ill, and will likely die in the next few days. He wasn't suppossed to last through Christmas (though for her familys' sake I'm glad that he did). His liver has fully shut down and he's in the Palative care unit now. I hope that it's quick for him, and for them. Just knowing that theres' another death around the corner, makes me uneasy. I know it will be better for him, and he won't be suffering anymore, but its the diea of watching my friend suffer from the loss of a parent. I've been through it, and it hurts like hell. With my going away, I feel guilty that I won't be able to be there for her afterwards. I had a close friend, who also has lost her parents, that was my main source of strength. She helped me through it, and walked me, baby step by babystep, through the grieving process. I want to be there to help this friend as well. But it won't happen. It's been a rather crappy year, and I can't wait for it to end.
I saw a few good friends the last few days and it's helped a lot. Just their hugs, has given me a source of strength that I haven't felt since, well, my wedding. My closest friends are scattered across Canada and it's hard to get to see them, and it's hard for them to see me. They are my source of outer strength, and it's been fabulous to be able to lean on them mildly. It's hard to put into words, but those hugs, those coffees', they have helped me to feel more grounded again. I can't explain why. But it's been wonderful. It's as if just seeing them, was a reminder that everything will be ok, eventually.
On top of it all, a close friend of mine is going through a rather difficult time. Her father is extremely ill, and will likely die in the next few days. He wasn't suppossed to last through Christmas (though for her familys' sake I'm glad that he did). His liver has fully shut down and he's in the Palative care unit now. I hope that it's quick for him, and for them. Just knowing that theres' another death around the corner, makes me uneasy. I know it will be better for him, and he won't be suffering anymore, but its the diea of watching my friend suffer from the loss of a parent. I've been through it, and it hurts like hell. With my going away, I feel guilty that I won't be able to be there for her afterwards. I had a close friend, who also has lost her parents, that was my main source of strength. She helped me through it, and walked me, baby step by babystep, through the grieving process. I want to be there to help this friend as well. But it won't happen. It's been a rather crappy year, and I can't wait for it to end.