*...never was and never will be...*

[kaleinabkrazy14]

so i was thinking about a lot of things today. maybe thinking about myself more than anything but all the same thinking. i was thinking about how much i miss the way things used to be. i miss valley west more than i'd like to admit sometimes. to be honest...i miss it so much that i'd probably do just about anything to be back there with my friends...of course things were hard but i know i would have gotten through it. and i really hate to think this way because life is good here...i have some people that i really do love and school...god, college will be looking really good for me. but i miss the faces i used to see every day. i feel like i'm so alone sometimes that i can't take it. i talk to my best friends maybe once a week if i'm lucky. that really tears me apart inside. i look around at dallas and realize...i don't know these people...i probably never will. everyone is so fake. it's hard to know who i should be friends with and who i can trust. i hate that more than anything. people can say what they want about wvw people and yeah that school is very full of drama. but everywhere is...and at least i knew that the group of people that i was with 24/7 were real. there was no pretending...everybody said what they thought and that was the end of it. this also led me to think about the situations i'm in right now with guys. and maybe it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it did that i'm alone. i've had so much heartbreak in my life that maybe being alone is what i need. after all of the shit with mr. wonderful...who needs it again? i dunno maybe i'm just in one of those moods again and i'm really just starving for something to hold onto. but the way i look at it right now, i have nothing to hold onto. i'm still depending on no one but myself. and that's sad. people i want so much to be with even though we're just a couple miles apart...they are so far away. so far away from me. i can't stand it. the only time i'm really happy anymore is when i'm at work or at grams when i don't have to think about anything. unfortunately, i can't be at either of those places every day so i guess i'm just not that happy of a person. i hide it well though...i always do don't i? i hate it...i'm so hostile at home...when i really shouldn't be. i love my mom so much and mark is so far beyond amazing...but i can't bring myself to be happy at home. it's when the real me comes out and it's horrible. i guess i should just suck it up. there's nothing i could do about it.
update of the week so far well i went to VA to see jay...it was like a breath of fresh air. although, i was going through my ups and downs there. the worst part was that i knew i had to leave eventually. and sunday afternoon i knew i had to say goodbye and for once, i did it without crying...well at least without letting anyone see me cry. yesterday my mom fell and hurt her back again. i'm worried about her...she's in a lotta pain and the doctor said that if she doesn't get surgery soon, there's a good chance that she could rupture the plates in her back...could be parylized (or however you spell it) it's all just so scary.
i guess that's all i got for now...happy 420 guys!
Happy birthday to Jillian in an hour and a half!

how did i let it get this far...how did i let us go?