its been so long...
theres so much to say but there really isnt.
i mean everyone knows the basics of my life right now;
married, mother of one. end of story.
life is a roller coaster. my mom just asked me today "is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel?"
if at 45 we're still asking the same questions we've been asking since we were 17, what is there to look forward to?
the little things i suppose.
i guess i always took things for granted. like the biggest thing to worry about was hiding my pot well enough to where i wouldnt forget where it was but my mom wouldnt find it.
and now? theres rent to be paid and children to be raised and school to be finishing and husbands to get along with.
if only i had really appreciated the freedom i had.
dont get me wrong...my son IS the best gift i have ever been given. and i do mean GIFT. he is amazing and i have purpose. but i always want things to be different. easier. more fun. free.
life is never free though.
i miss friends, and parties and movies and talking and singing and driving in the friggin middle of the night and austin and concerts and wild and crazy bitch fights. i loved not knowing what was going to happen next. i mean it was usually wondering whether we would eat again or smoke again or what movie we'd see. but i was kept guessing.
now every morning i know how the day will pan out. its always the same. some days i feel trapped but at least all days i feel loved.
my son IS my life and that is wonderful. i would crumble w/out him, but if only we could have it all.
i have learned two things: you cant always get what you want. and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
im really not thinking this as morbid as it sounds typed out into words. just thoughts.
i am happy. i just want it all. i am only 21 and i feel like im 45. i think its cuz anytime ANYONE i know comes to port a whether it be my 40 year old aunt or my 45 year old godmother i am thoroughly thrilled. i thrive on socialization and im not getting that.
thank GOD for my mom, and brother. but sometimes that gets old.
my brother lives with me now. its been about 2 or 3 weeks now and thats great. he stays with Bear while spencer and i have a date night on some sundays and he pays rent and he;s fun to be around. hes a built in friend. but hes 17. thats SO young and such a selfish age. hes great-hilarious, but i miss holly and travis and caroline and even natalie.
i just have to always tell myself, to focus on Bear-THE most important thing in my life. and he will ALWAYS be there. so i need to be focused on raising him to be an amazing gentleman and a strong man. and, family is first. they will always be there.
you just cant help but wanna get drunk with your highschool bests. just to escape for one night. get gone.
anyway, life is good. its rewarding and its fulfilling. just a bit too predictable. thats all.
peace, love and i miss you.
i mean everyone knows the basics of my life right now;
married, mother of one. end of story.
life is a roller coaster. my mom just asked me today "is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel?"
if at 45 we're still asking the same questions we've been asking since we were 17, what is there to look forward to?
the little things i suppose.
i guess i always took things for granted. like the biggest thing to worry about was hiding my pot well enough to where i wouldnt forget where it was but my mom wouldnt find it.
and now? theres rent to be paid and children to be raised and school to be finishing and husbands to get along with.
if only i had really appreciated the freedom i had.
dont get me wrong...my son IS the best gift i have ever been given. and i do mean GIFT. he is amazing and i have purpose. but i always want things to be different. easier. more fun. free.
life is never free though.
i miss friends, and parties and movies and talking and singing and driving in the friggin middle of the night and austin and concerts and wild and crazy bitch fights. i loved not knowing what was going to happen next. i mean it was usually wondering whether we would eat again or smoke again or what movie we'd see. but i was kept guessing.
now every morning i know how the day will pan out. its always the same. some days i feel trapped but at least all days i feel loved.
my son IS my life and that is wonderful. i would crumble w/out him, but if only we could have it all.
i have learned two things: you cant always get what you want. and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
im really not thinking this as morbid as it sounds typed out into words. just thoughts.
i am happy. i just want it all. i am only 21 and i feel like im 45. i think its cuz anytime ANYONE i know comes to port a whether it be my 40 year old aunt or my 45 year old godmother i am thoroughly thrilled. i thrive on socialization and im not getting that.
thank GOD for my mom, and brother. but sometimes that gets old.
my brother lives with me now. its been about 2 or 3 weeks now and thats great. he stays with Bear while spencer and i have a date night on some sundays and he pays rent and he;s fun to be around. hes a built in friend. but hes 17. thats SO young and such a selfish age. hes great-hilarious, but i miss holly and travis and caroline and even natalie.
i just have to always tell myself, to focus on Bear-THE most important thing in my life. and he will ALWAYS be there. so i need to be focused on raising him to be an amazing gentleman and a strong man. and, family is first. they will always be there.
you just cant help but wanna get drunk with your highschool bests. just to escape for one night. get gone.
anyway, life is good. its rewarding and its fulfilling. just a bit too predictable. thats all.
peace, love and i miss you.