(no subject)
I was just brainstorming what i'd write about when i got on here and i realized that i'm always talking about babysitting on here... weird. Well I'm... babysitting haha. it's 8:58 and the girls went to bed a while ago. I was just on autotrader looking for a car because God knows i need one, and the only good ones are manual. I do not know how to drive manual. The kid in first told me the other day he'd teach me how to drive it but i'm not too keen on the idea of buying a car with my own money that i dont really know how to drive. " oh that wall through the middle of my car is ok! it only cost me $5000 that i started saving when i fed little dogs when i was like 8.. no problem" ha. dang it. so i know cindy might read this so i'll explain to her first and foremost. Cindy - i worked my butt off to get to your mom's thing on Wed. You dont have to belive me but i did. I ended up staying up until like 3 working on homework and i would have MUCH rather been at AVC then at home doing homework. My cell's still broken so please dont try to call it. I cant get numbers off of it either but supposedly i'm getting a replacement phone in the mail by Thursday. I need to get a camera from Chelsea tonight when i get home so i can take ' special pictures' at church sunday. Everyone, wear somthing nice and get ready to pose.
Ok so life. Today I went to FCA for the first time in like.. hmm prob a year. It was my first time at the PRHS one. It was so refreshing. It's so strange how I didnt go to church last week because of the hell known as school, but my soul doesnt even feel it. I think Todd is genuinly concered about me but is afraid to approach me because he strongly belives in not ' forcing' people into God's power. I think I need a major shove. I also think that I need to see a certain recently blackheaded boy soon. Im working on what i want to wear for christmas. Is it sad that I have no where to dress up to go? I decided today when i was shopping with my mom that if i start dressing less American Eagle and more Charolette Rouse then maybe I'll be happier. I know that sounds really shallow but i always feel so dumpy. I think it's time to start being confedient with what I wear. I think It's time to stop eating cookie dough by the gallon and shape up.
Back to God. I mean this is seriosly bothering me. I'm not venting so people can view my whoas on a casual web surfing, but because.. well maybe I'll work it out in my head as i write. It is so... i cant even describe it. It makes me horribly sad because i'm so horribly apathetic abotu church. As I hear about Maria thriving in Norway and Billy just exploding for Christ, getting baptised and all, I'm like ' awesome... Im going nowhere except backward". Todd sorta nicely said ' your relationship with God is not a comparision with others, it's your choice allie". crap. I hate it when it's my responsibility to do things. Maybe it's because i feel like i have so much to do already. I WILL work on that... as soon as i stop being such a lard butt.
I feel like writing pretty: here's my attempt:
Gloss the stones of wonder pupil
let it rain from hardened eyes
veiw the world like years before
never let the darkness seep
maggots of fear and bloody thirsty whores
strip the meat from my bones
and these hands hold steady
hold steady
"and i'm not who i thought i was twenty four hours ago"
I'm not the light of brighter days
Eat the pain
swallow the thicks of my nails
dirt infested and putrid heart
just for one seed
one growth
one spirt of live
to peek out above the sewage
one green
one faith
one chance to rise above them all
because i can
because I will
because the darkness cannot hold me down!
I am the veins of all he was
and I can be all I am
because all i am is all there is to be
when I am me
hmm... ok that produced some anguish. emo.
end.
Ok so life. Today I went to FCA for the first time in like.. hmm prob a year. It was my first time at the PRHS one. It was so refreshing. It's so strange how I didnt go to church last week because of the hell known as school, but my soul doesnt even feel it. I think Todd is genuinly concered about me but is afraid to approach me because he strongly belives in not ' forcing' people into God's power. I think I need a major shove. I also think that I need to see a certain recently blackheaded boy soon. Im working on what i want to wear for christmas. Is it sad that I have no where to dress up to go? I decided today when i was shopping with my mom that if i start dressing less American Eagle and more Charolette Rouse then maybe I'll be happier. I know that sounds really shallow but i always feel so dumpy. I think it's time to start being confedient with what I wear. I think It's time to stop eating cookie dough by the gallon and shape up.
Back to God. I mean this is seriosly bothering me. I'm not venting so people can view my whoas on a casual web surfing, but because.. well maybe I'll work it out in my head as i write. It is so... i cant even describe it. It makes me horribly sad because i'm so horribly apathetic abotu church. As I hear about Maria thriving in Norway and Billy just exploding for Christ, getting baptised and all, I'm like ' awesome... Im going nowhere except backward". Todd sorta nicely said ' your relationship with God is not a comparision with others, it's your choice allie". crap. I hate it when it's my responsibility to do things. Maybe it's because i feel like i have so much to do already. I WILL work on that... as soon as i stop being such a lard butt.
I feel like writing pretty: here's my attempt:
Gloss the stones of wonder pupil
let it rain from hardened eyes
veiw the world like years before
never let the darkness seep
maggots of fear and bloody thirsty whores
strip the meat from my bones
and these hands hold steady
hold steady
"and i'm not who i thought i was twenty four hours ago"
I'm not the light of brighter days
Eat the pain
swallow the thicks of my nails
dirt infested and putrid heart
just for one seed
one growth
one spirt of live
to peek out above the sewage
one green
one faith
one chance to rise above them all
because i can
because I will
because the darkness cannot hold me down!
I am the veins of all he was
and I can be all I am
because all i am is all there is to be
when I am me
hmm... ok that produced some anguish. emo.
end.