unexpected.
so much as happened.
sean and i no longer go out. i have been dreading changing my relationship status to "single" on facebook because it will alert everyone and i know i'm going to get a million questions that i don't know if i can deal with right now. we haven't been together for the past month. the only reason i'm writing it here is so i can reflect on this stupid shit later on and because i know that not many people read this.
i went to pick him up from the airport december 19th and i was so happy. i thought things were great. then a few days later while he was home on leave, i found out from his battle buddies that he had been cheating on me since november with an unattrative and unintelligent girl he met in the army. they said they knew the whole time and saw what was happening but they didn't think it was their place to tell me... but they said they knew i how good i was to him and they couldn't take his lies anymore... that i had a right to know. she lives three hours away from here in the middle of no where, new york. they are "dating" now despite the fact that they know nothing about each other and they said "i love you" the day they met. extremely awkward and quite immature. i hear that from other people i talk to. i'm friends with his friends out on the military base and they tell me how stupid they both are, how their relationship reminds them of freshman in high school, and how he made the biggest mistake of his life. he doesnt hang out with his battle buddies anymore either. quite sad. they have to watch his back in combat and the girl he "loves" has failed so many tests that she got recycled to another unit and now has to stay an extra month... kind of like getting held back a grade. if i were him, i'd pick my battle buddies to save my ass instead of someone who stares blankly at a piece of paper all day.
when i confronted sean about it, he yelled at me, threw shit at the wall, threatened to call the cops on me just for being in front of him. i never raised my voice and i never raised my hand to him or anything else. i thought he was going to hit me at one point. his sister carrie, his two brothers matt and chris, and ed were all there at the house. all i could do was sit in the corner and cry. for the first time they all saw his temper and how bad he treated me. i couldn't control my shaking. i was terrified but i was happy i wasn't alone. they hugged me, apologized for everything, said how much they love me. my world crashed around me within a matter of seconds.
his family is really mad at him and so is mine. they had to know eventually so when it came out, they all wanted to smack him upside his empty head. its clear to me that sean doesn't respect me, himself, his friends, his family, or even his new girlfriend. i didn't know they were dating at the time, because he never told me, and we hooked up... so he's already cheated on her too. he talks to me almost on a daily basis still yet he keeps me a secret from her. he lies to his battle buddies, lies to her. i don't understand. he isnt the guy he used to be. i know when he comes home for good, which is in less than a month, he will be all over me again. i'm not going to be the second girl. i'm not going to be the first girl either. i made the decision to be done. he told me he still has feelings for me and that i'm still his best friend. it makes me sick to my stomach to think hes doing this to someone else and thinks he can get away with doing it to me again. i never thought he would ever be this type of person. i pinch myself sometimes. i have a hard time grasping the reality of it all. he later admitted that he cheated on me a total of six times in the almost three years we were dating. horrible. horrible. i know i made a mistake with heroin however i took the steps to be honest and get help. i can't compare the two but he uses my addiction as reason for his actions even though most of his bad behavior occured previous to the drug incident. he does this to blame me. i don't buy it.
i spent several hundred dollars on his christmas presents. not to mention i bought him the new 8G ipod nano back in october. he did not get me a 20th birthday present and actually forgot my birthday at that. nor did he get me anything for christmas. he didn't get his family anything either. then i discovered he got his new girl a nice present. all of these things are just showing his character and it hurts more and more to watch him slip backwards. he was so smart, so kind, so funny, so many things i loved about him... he just shit them all away. his battle buddies tell me that he doesnt even care about the military anymore either. he lets his uniform get fucked up, doesnt pay attention in class, shows no care for anything or anyone else. they say it makes them feel sick too. it comforts me to know i am not the only one.
at first i cried every day for two weeks. i did not eat for two weeks. i slept on the floor in my sisters room for two weeks because i didn't want to be alone. i did nothing for two weeks except stay in my house. i didn't smoke two weeks either. nothing. i couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere. i was so scared, so paranoid, so... i dont even know. i was just a complete mess. miserable. finally i took down all the pictures, got his clothes, stuffed animals, all his letters from basic.. bagged them all up and they are waiting for when he returns. speaking of which, his letters from basic-- i pulled them out and i read them overr to him as a reminder. i seriously thought maybe he just forgot what he said/felt? i was desperate for any explaination. i let ed and his family read them too. the letters say how much he loves me and wants to get an apartment with me as soon as he comes home; how he wants to marry me, have children, raise a good family, and be with me forever; how i'm the only one who understands him and i'm the only reason he made it through basic training; how thinking of me every day got him through their ruck marches, gas chamber drills, etc; how he cries at night sometimes and how he cries when he reads my letters; how he's sorry for all the things hes done, and he never wants us to be apart. his letters were beautiful. maybe i shouldn't have shared them with anyone else but i needed someone else to see with their own eyes what he said. when they read the letters, their mouths dropped. part of me wants to keep the letters for proof. i could scan them but for what? i know what he said to me and he knows what he said to me. all he did was sit there and say, "i know, liz. i know." obviously he doesnt... but if he actually does, again, only proves how cruel he is. that is why i'm going to give them back. perhaps he will read them over on his own time. i want nothing to do with this anymore.
i truely think part of him is afraid of growing up. hes regressing to old behaviors and patterns from the past. immature relationships, petty lies, poor attitude, not doing homework, not caring about class, pretending to be someone else. all the things he promised me were "when i come back." that was sneaking up on him. getting an apartment, living together, all to be happening really soon. it is so much easier for him to live at home in the same slump, put off going back to college, and continue working and getting minimal wage at the gas station. before the army was "to better both of our lives and prepare for our futures together" and now i only see that it was a waste of our time because not only did i wait six months to find out he was going to leave me, but he is not going to do anything with his military training. he has no plan for himself anymore. whoever brainwashed him did a decent job. congratulations. you can have him.
my heart and my head is somewhat still invested in him. hes been my friend for six years... best friend for four years... and boyfriend for three. he is not much of a friend, best friend, or boyfriend anymore. i'm trying my best to detach and let go. its hard but i'm doing alright. my situation sucks but i don't blame anyone. this girl knew about me the entire time yet she still persued sean. in fact, she had a boyfriend she cheated on too. once a cheater, always a cheater? could be said for both of them i suppose. the lies are never ending. like i said, i don't blame her, i don't blame myself, and honestly, i dont know if i can blame him either. sure, everyone makes mistakes, but ugh, i don't know. i would rather have this happen to me now than be engaged to him and find out things like this. i've come to find after being weak for so long, that i have turned out to be a decently strong willed girl. i have good people around me now. i'm getting by and thats what is most important.
our situation does get much more complicated as i have... well... i'm not sure i want to put that information out. as of right now, although he has feelings for me, this new situation, depending how it plays out, could make him attached to me whether he wants to be or not... for a very long time. things were still a little uncertain and i guess thats all i am willing to say at this point.
sean and i no longer go out. i have been dreading changing my relationship status to "single" on facebook because it will alert everyone and i know i'm going to get a million questions that i don't know if i can deal with right now. we haven't been together for the past month. the only reason i'm writing it here is so i can reflect on this stupid shit later on and because i know that not many people read this.
i went to pick him up from the airport december 19th and i was so happy. i thought things were great. then a few days later while he was home on leave, i found out from his battle buddies that he had been cheating on me since november with an unattrative and unintelligent girl he met in the army. they said they knew the whole time and saw what was happening but they didn't think it was their place to tell me... but they said they knew i how good i was to him and they couldn't take his lies anymore... that i had a right to know. she lives three hours away from here in the middle of no where, new york. they are "dating" now despite the fact that they know nothing about each other and they said "i love you" the day they met. extremely awkward and quite immature. i hear that from other people i talk to. i'm friends with his friends out on the military base and they tell me how stupid they both are, how their relationship reminds them of freshman in high school, and how he made the biggest mistake of his life. he doesnt hang out with his battle buddies anymore either. quite sad. they have to watch his back in combat and the girl he "loves" has failed so many tests that she got recycled to another unit and now has to stay an extra month... kind of like getting held back a grade. if i were him, i'd pick my battle buddies to save my ass instead of someone who stares blankly at a piece of paper all day.
when i confronted sean about it, he yelled at me, threw shit at the wall, threatened to call the cops on me just for being in front of him. i never raised my voice and i never raised my hand to him or anything else. i thought he was going to hit me at one point. his sister carrie, his two brothers matt and chris, and ed were all there at the house. all i could do was sit in the corner and cry. for the first time they all saw his temper and how bad he treated me. i couldn't control my shaking. i was terrified but i was happy i wasn't alone. they hugged me, apologized for everything, said how much they love me. my world crashed around me within a matter of seconds.
his family is really mad at him and so is mine. they had to know eventually so when it came out, they all wanted to smack him upside his empty head. its clear to me that sean doesn't respect me, himself, his friends, his family, or even his new girlfriend. i didn't know they were dating at the time, because he never told me, and we hooked up... so he's already cheated on her too. he talks to me almost on a daily basis still yet he keeps me a secret from her. he lies to his battle buddies, lies to her. i don't understand. he isnt the guy he used to be. i know when he comes home for good, which is in less than a month, he will be all over me again. i'm not going to be the second girl. i'm not going to be the first girl either. i made the decision to be done. he told me he still has feelings for me and that i'm still his best friend. it makes me sick to my stomach to think hes doing this to someone else and thinks he can get away with doing it to me again. i never thought he would ever be this type of person. i pinch myself sometimes. i have a hard time grasping the reality of it all. he later admitted that he cheated on me a total of six times in the almost three years we were dating. horrible. horrible. i know i made a mistake with heroin however i took the steps to be honest and get help. i can't compare the two but he uses my addiction as reason for his actions even though most of his bad behavior occured previous to the drug incident. he does this to blame me. i don't buy it.
i spent several hundred dollars on his christmas presents. not to mention i bought him the new 8G ipod nano back in october. he did not get me a 20th birthday present and actually forgot my birthday at that. nor did he get me anything for christmas. he didn't get his family anything either. then i discovered he got his new girl a nice present. all of these things are just showing his character and it hurts more and more to watch him slip backwards. he was so smart, so kind, so funny, so many things i loved about him... he just shit them all away. his battle buddies tell me that he doesnt even care about the military anymore either. he lets his uniform get fucked up, doesnt pay attention in class, shows no care for anything or anyone else. they say it makes them feel sick too. it comforts me to know i am not the only one.
at first i cried every day for two weeks. i did not eat for two weeks. i slept on the floor in my sisters room for two weeks because i didn't want to be alone. i did nothing for two weeks except stay in my house. i didn't smoke two weeks either. nothing. i couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere. i was so scared, so paranoid, so... i dont even know. i was just a complete mess. miserable. finally i took down all the pictures, got his clothes, stuffed animals, all his letters from basic.. bagged them all up and they are waiting for when he returns. speaking of which, his letters from basic-- i pulled them out and i read them overr to him as a reminder. i seriously thought maybe he just forgot what he said/felt? i was desperate for any explaination. i let ed and his family read them too. the letters say how much he loves me and wants to get an apartment with me as soon as he comes home; how he wants to marry me, have children, raise a good family, and be with me forever; how i'm the only one who understands him and i'm the only reason he made it through basic training; how thinking of me every day got him through their ruck marches, gas chamber drills, etc; how he cries at night sometimes and how he cries when he reads my letters; how he's sorry for all the things hes done, and he never wants us to be apart. his letters were beautiful. maybe i shouldn't have shared them with anyone else but i needed someone else to see with their own eyes what he said. when they read the letters, their mouths dropped. part of me wants to keep the letters for proof. i could scan them but for what? i know what he said to me and he knows what he said to me. all he did was sit there and say, "i know, liz. i know." obviously he doesnt... but if he actually does, again, only proves how cruel he is. that is why i'm going to give them back. perhaps he will read them over on his own time. i want nothing to do with this anymore.
i truely think part of him is afraid of growing up. hes regressing to old behaviors and patterns from the past. immature relationships, petty lies, poor attitude, not doing homework, not caring about class, pretending to be someone else. all the things he promised me were "when i come back." that was sneaking up on him. getting an apartment, living together, all to be happening really soon. it is so much easier for him to live at home in the same slump, put off going back to college, and continue working and getting minimal wage at the gas station. before the army was "to better both of our lives and prepare for our futures together" and now i only see that it was a waste of our time because not only did i wait six months to find out he was going to leave me, but he is not going to do anything with his military training. he has no plan for himself anymore. whoever brainwashed him did a decent job. congratulations. you can have him.
my heart and my head is somewhat still invested in him. hes been my friend for six years... best friend for four years... and boyfriend for three. he is not much of a friend, best friend, or boyfriend anymore. i'm trying my best to detach and let go. its hard but i'm doing alright. my situation sucks but i don't blame anyone. this girl knew about me the entire time yet she still persued sean. in fact, she had a boyfriend she cheated on too. once a cheater, always a cheater? could be said for both of them i suppose. the lies are never ending. like i said, i don't blame her, i don't blame myself, and honestly, i dont know if i can blame him either. sure, everyone makes mistakes, but ugh, i don't know. i would rather have this happen to me now than be engaged to him and find out things like this. i've come to find after being weak for so long, that i have turned out to be a decently strong willed girl. i have good people around me now. i'm getting by and thats what is most important.
our situation does get much more complicated as i have... well... i'm not sure i want to put that information out. as of right now, although he has feelings for me, this new situation, depending how it plays out, could make him attached to me whether he wants to be or not... for a very long time. things were still a little uncertain and i guess thats all i am willing to say at this point.