Finals Week Winter 2005 Part 2
I took my Intro to Journalism final, and went to the last session for Intro to Mass Media, in which we evaluated the professor, received grades for final assignments, had a brief discussion, and heard a story about a student making a difference.
“Bad News At the Door”
(People are banging on the door of an apartment complex in a city)
Man:I said give us the man who came to see you, so we can have sex with him!
(cut to a narrating person, a middle aged man inside, who is speaking with his guest, a man who has come back from his father-in-law's house with his formerly estranged wife)
City Dweller: They still want you, and won’t go away. Things may soon get desperate. To take our minds off of this for the moment, why don’t you tell us how you got into this situation?
Husband: (narrating, cut to a house in the suburbs with a car approaching) My wife, as you know, had become angry with me and left for her father’s house. After a while, I followed her, and managed to reconcile with her, staying with her and her father for four days.(cut to her father eating a meal with them) Her father seemed strangely intent on keeping us at his house, but I decided to leave one afternoon*1(cut to the car approaching the city). We decided to pass by a foreign city, finally got here, and waited until you showed up. By the way, thank you again for serving us dinner. However, as you can see, some men have formed up outside your apartment and now want to rape me(cut to the men inside the apartment complex).
City Dweller: What a coincidence! That story is exactly like what happened to one Levite in the Bible!*2
Husband: Really?
City Dweller: So far, yes, with some minor differences, such as the fact that “you” came to get “your concubine” with “your” servant, and, of course, it was in Israel.
Husband: Do “I” get out of this without being raped?
City Dweller: Yes, “you” do…
Husband(hopeful): Good!
City Dweller(irked): I’m not finished. As I was saying, “you” don’t get raped, as “I” offered up “your” “concubine,” and “my” “virgin”*3 daughter.
Husband: I’m not Christian, but I vaguely remember that happening in the story of Lot and Sodom.*4
City Dweller: It did, but that story had a better ending than this one. They reject the offer, but “you” send “your” “concubine” out, and…
Husband(wincing): I think I know what happens, but I don’t want to hear it.
City Dweller: “Your” “concubine,” after her ordeal, crawls to the doorstep and dies, and “you” take “her” corpse “home,” and send 12 parts of her to the 12 tribes of Israel, who discuss this shocking event.
Husband(disturbed): What happens after that?
City Dweller: The tribes of Israel assemble, “you” tell “your” story to them*5, and then Israel goes to war with the Benjaminites, and destroys the city of Gibeah and other towns, resulting in tens of thousands of deaths on both sides. Then they attack Jabesh-Gilead for not taking part in this genocide*6, killing everyone who is not a female virgin, and giving them and some girls from Shiloh*7 to the Benjaminite survivors as peace offerings.
Husband(indignant): Is there a point to all this?
City Dweller(caught off guard): Um…raping people…is bad?
Husband(frowning): …
City Dweller(changing the subject): You…aren’t religious, are you?
Husband(unsure of what he means): No, and neither is my wife.
City Dweller: It’s been said before in virtually every Protestant Bible tract*8, so I’ll say it simply here. Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died for your sins and who rose from the grave. Repent and ask him to come into your heart, and no matter what they do to you…maybe unless your wife doesn’t cry out loudly enough…you’ll both go to Heaven when you die.
Husband(indifferently): I will.
(A short time later)
Husband: My wife did so, too.
City Dweller; How are you?
Man outside(shouting): We’re still here, you know!
Husband: If you have to ask, my fear of being raped to death is more in my mind than my new relationship with Jesus Christ.*9 I hope the police are on their way.
City Dweller:There’s actually a problem with that.
Husband(flabbergasted): What?
City Dweller(guilty): I didn’t want to tell you until you converted, but I called after they first showed up. At first they laughed at me, but when I called after you converted, they said, “Hot Dog! We’re coming over to get a piece of the action!” I doubt that there will be(attempting an euphemism)…an easy way…out of this.
Husband: It’s a good thing that an incident of gang rape won’t trigger the Second American Civil War(to the City Dweller) So which one of us gets raped?
City Dweller: Ok, let’s do this the only fair way I can think of.(gets out a few pencils) If either of you, or my daughter draws the sharpened pencil, or if I get left with it …*10
*1: *2: The story says “almost sunset” when they set out, so I interpreted it as late afternoon.
*2: See “Gang Rape and Dismemberment” in The Brick Testament, which the people at www.skepticsannotatedbible.com describe as “one of the most disgusting stories in all literature.” This story is also pointed out in the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible FAQ. This also reflects a common Chick cliché; characters often act, or are acted upon, in ways similar to good and evil Biblical figures, and learn of the similarities in stories.
*3: Make of this what you will.
*4: This is true; Biblical stories often have considerable similarity with each other.
-Abraham and Isaac both claim that their wives are their sisters, fearing for the moral character of the regions in which they travel, the former doing so twice.
-Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad; Samson kills 1,000 with the jawbone of a donkey.
-Rahab hides Joshua’s spies and is spared during the attack on Jericho; a man opens the way to Bethel and is spared with his family.
*5: See “Israelites Massacre Each Other” (Judges)
*6: See “Remorse Then Another Massacre” (Judges)
*7: See “Girls of Shiloh Abducted.” (Judges)
*8: I wrote this to parody the common way of introducing Jesus, and also to shorten the tract.
*9: I wrote this as an alternative to the euphoria most of Chick’s new Christians feel upon conversion.
*10: I decided to settle on an ending that didn’t turn out well for the new Christian converts, but didn’t involve their deaths. If it seems unrealistic to you, it’s meant to portray the equally unrealistic coincidences following conversions that work out in the favor of those involved(In “The Scam” the man who got conned gets his money and his car back, “Framed” features Joe being cleared of his charges after the gun gets traced back to the true owner after his conversion)
“Bad News At the Door”
(People are banging on the door of an apartment complex in a city)
Man:I said give us the man who came to see you, so we can have sex with him!
(cut to a narrating person, a middle aged man inside, who is speaking with his guest, a man who has come back from his father-in-law's house with his formerly estranged wife)
City Dweller: They still want you, and won’t go away. Things may soon get desperate. To take our minds off of this for the moment, why don’t you tell us how you got into this situation?
Husband: (narrating, cut to a house in the suburbs with a car approaching) My wife, as you know, had become angry with me and left for her father’s house. After a while, I followed her, and managed to reconcile with her, staying with her and her father for four days.(cut to her father eating a meal with them) Her father seemed strangely intent on keeping us at his house, but I decided to leave one afternoon*1(cut to the car approaching the city). We decided to pass by a foreign city, finally got here, and waited until you showed up. By the way, thank you again for serving us dinner. However, as you can see, some men have formed up outside your apartment and now want to rape me(cut to the men inside the apartment complex).
City Dweller: What a coincidence! That story is exactly like what happened to one Levite in the Bible!*2
Husband: Really?
City Dweller: So far, yes, with some minor differences, such as the fact that “you” came to get “your concubine” with “your” servant, and, of course, it was in Israel.
Husband: Do “I” get out of this without being raped?
City Dweller: Yes, “you” do…
Husband(hopeful): Good!
City Dweller(irked): I’m not finished. As I was saying, “you” don’t get raped, as “I” offered up “your” “concubine,” and “my” “virgin”*3 daughter.
Husband: I’m not Christian, but I vaguely remember that happening in the story of Lot and Sodom.*4
City Dweller: It did, but that story had a better ending than this one. They reject the offer, but “you” send “your” “concubine” out, and…
Husband(wincing): I think I know what happens, but I don’t want to hear it.
City Dweller: “Your” “concubine,” after her ordeal, crawls to the doorstep and dies, and “you” take “her” corpse “home,” and send 12 parts of her to the 12 tribes of Israel, who discuss this shocking event.
Husband(disturbed): What happens after that?
City Dweller: The tribes of Israel assemble, “you” tell “your” story to them*5, and then Israel goes to war with the Benjaminites, and destroys the city of Gibeah and other towns, resulting in tens of thousands of deaths on both sides. Then they attack Jabesh-Gilead for not taking part in this genocide*6, killing everyone who is not a female virgin, and giving them and some girls from Shiloh*7 to the Benjaminite survivors as peace offerings.
Husband(indignant): Is there a point to all this?
City Dweller(caught off guard): Um…raping people…is bad?
Husband(frowning): …
City Dweller(changing the subject): You…aren’t religious, are you?
Husband(unsure of what he means): No, and neither is my wife.
City Dweller: It’s been said before in virtually every Protestant Bible tract*8, so I’ll say it simply here. Jesus Christ is the Son of God who died for your sins and who rose from the grave. Repent and ask him to come into your heart, and no matter what they do to you…maybe unless your wife doesn’t cry out loudly enough…you’ll both go to Heaven when you die.
Husband(indifferently): I will.
(A short time later)
Husband: My wife did so, too.
City Dweller; How are you?
Man outside(shouting): We’re still here, you know!
Husband: If you have to ask, my fear of being raped to death is more in my mind than my new relationship with Jesus Christ.*9 I hope the police are on their way.
City Dweller:There’s actually a problem with that.
Husband(flabbergasted): What?
City Dweller(guilty): I didn’t want to tell you until you converted, but I called after they first showed up. At first they laughed at me, but when I called after you converted, they said, “Hot Dog! We’re coming over to get a piece of the action!” I doubt that there will be(attempting an euphemism)…an easy way…out of this.
Husband: It’s a good thing that an incident of gang rape won’t trigger the Second American Civil War(to the City Dweller) So which one of us gets raped?
City Dweller: Ok, let’s do this the only fair way I can think of.(gets out a few pencils) If either of you, or my daughter draws the sharpened pencil, or if I get left with it …*10
*1: *2: The story says “almost sunset” when they set out, so I interpreted it as late afternoon.
*2: See “Gang Rape and Dismemberment” in The Brick Testament, which the people at www.skepticsannotatedbible.com describe as “one of the most disgusting stories in all literature.” This story is also pointed out in the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible FAQ. This also reflects a common Chick cliché; characters often act, or are acted upon, in ways similar to good and evil Biblical figures, and learn of the similarities in stories.
*3: Make of this what you will.
*4: This is true; Biblical stories often have considerable similarity with each other.
-Abraham and Isaac both claim that their wives are their sisters, fearing for the moral character of the regions in which they travel, the former doing so twice.
-Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad; Samson kills 1,000 with the jawbone of a donkey.
-Rahab hides Joshua’s spies and is spared during the attack on Jericho; a man opens the way to Bethel and is spared with his family.
*5: See “Israelites Massacre Each Other” (Judges)
*6: See “Remorse Then Another Massacre” (Judges)
*7: See “Girls of Shiloh Abducted.” (Judges)
*8: I wrote this to parody the common way of introducing Jesus, and also to shorten the tract.
*9: I wrote this as an alternative to the euphoria most of Chick’s new Christians feel upon conversion.
*10: I decided to settle on an ending that didn’t turn out well for the new Christian converts, but didn’t involve their deaths. If it seems unrealistic to you, it’s meant to portray the equally unrealistic coincidences following conversions that work out in the favor of those involved(In “The Scam” the man who got conned gets his money and his car back, “Framed” features Joe being cleared of his charges after the gun gets traced back to the true owner after his conversion)